I am probably the only legit holder of a German driver's license who has never taken a road test

I happened to come of driving age in the time frame that the Texas Dept. of Transportation went temporarily insane and automatically granted every 16 year old who passed driver's ed a full license, swapped that for Maryland after college, then took a TESA job over here.
When another company won the contract I was on, we got Reduction In Force letters. Very important.
I called up the USAREUR RMV to ask what exactly I needed to send them in addition to my RIF letter to get a translation for a German driver's license (at that point, not totally sure I was going to get hired on with the new contract holder).
The helpful fellow listed the stuff, then said, "or you can just give me a credit card number and I'll do it right now."
Rock!
Yep, $25 and two days later, a translation that gave me not only the B1 and other small vehicle licenses good for life, but a BE and a C1, valid till I'm 50 (if I don't feel like retesting). Don't remember ever asking to be permitted to drive 7.5 ton trucks, but if I ever get the hankering...
You will need to register with the town you live in, because they have to endorse your application from the Landkreis. Several of my coworkers told me that was a stupid thing to do (along with having a German bank account), but I've passed TESA since getting the license, so whatever. Then again, I also do not own a house here and am merely dating a German.
With your DL translation in hand, go to your Landkreis/city driver's license office (mine was located with many of the other county offices, but my old landkreis has maybe 50,000 residents). They will want to see your USAREUR driver's license and probably stateside one as well, but remind them that you must have them back in order to legally operate your vehicle while it's registered with USAREUR, and that the Army is going to want their DL back when you leave. I had no trouble getting mine back after copying. You'll get an application form to take to your particular town's Rathaus.
There, if you hadn't earlier, you'll register as a resident. Bring your passport and SOFA card (to explain why you hadn't done this earlier), along with the DL application. Make sure that you state your lack of Catholic/official Lutheran affiliation (remember, there are independent Protestant churches in Germany). I got a little "tut-tutting" (not rude, though) for not registering earlier, but after paying the 5.10 EUR registration fee, got the clerk to vouch for my residency in that particular town and county.
Back to the DL office. Turned in the form, driver's license translation, and passport photo (slightly different from US ones, so get them made at a German store) and paid about 64 EUR.
Three weeks later, got a letter at my German address notifying me that my license was ready.
All in all, not too bad. More running around, but a less irritating experience than exchanging my Texas DL for a Maryland one.
And I'll never have to do it again!
(Unless I do something crazy like marry one of these guys and change my name...)
I would have suggested you get a German DL even if you were going to get picked up on another TESA contract, because it has come in handy when renting cars outside of Germany - I got better rates in Croatia than I would have with an American license.