Bullshit Bingo

I think we need to pre-plan bringing to the table an injection of bleeding-edge holistic techology to leverage a pro-active incentivised workforce into a value-added paradigm shift. Otherwise we'll fall out of the loop, the wheels will come off, and it will all go pear-shaped. Frankly, it's a no-brainer, but just in case it all goes tits-up we should syndicate our decision processes and nominate an empowered executive project champion to take the rap if the doo-dah hits the rotary air displacement unit. Feedback guys?

Here's a great CV that landed on my desk this morning - thought I should share some highlights:-

"I demand a lot from myself and my team, but I also live up to these expectations. My major goal is to meet and exceed customer needs continuously by using every tool available to me.I recognise people's social styles and drivers, and then use this knowledge to create motivation and success. I place emphasis on getting the complete commitment of my team by empowerment and motivation. My can-do attitude means I can rapidly instigate change to ensure targets are hit in an ever changing industry"

love the last sentence there! ultimate bullshit speak

question - how can you "exceed customer needs"???

under her skills, she lists "attending strategic global strategy meetings"...I had never realised that attending meetings was a skill?

why do people write CVs like this - are there bosses out there who are actually impressed with this bollocks???

I wonder if there's any other form of global strategy that she's come across and would like to share. In our wonderful corporate environment there is guidance on what to do when a new employee 'physically receives a new computer', but no such guidance is available on what to do when we 'spiritually' receive one, or did they just mean 'when your new computer is delivered you do XYZ'?

Staying attentive in them certainly can be...

'Fraid you gotta write all that kind of stuff to get past HR. I got a bit creative with the marketing speak on my CV recently and it worked a treat. Once you get you're foot throught the door and as far as a interview then you need to be able to back it up.

The following company is a top-notch specialist in leaveraging leading-edge value-added bullshit bingo to maximum client advantage in a win-win situation for all partners in the business model:

Click through their pages, the jargon is so cliched its almost painful. I thought it was a send-up at first, but it appears to be totally genuine...

http://www.satyam.com/services/application...es/overview.asp

Now that is some major bullshit.

For anyone that actually has to deal with this bollocks, you may want to read this New ideas that your boss may have dreamt up on his holidays.