Bullshit Bingo

Another lamb to the fold. I really feel we are making progress today people. Keep up the good work.

Sadly, you need to think more outside of the Misc. Chat box for that to happen. This is merely a place for brainstorming, your productivity figures are based on your work elsewhere...

Would a pick-axe 'andle suffice?

my mom always told me that if you eat an orange seed a tree would grow out of your ass. I got scared once cause i ate a couple of seeds. See...my butt was itching and i did not want to scratch it, so i thought this would be a real good solution. The problem rally flipped on me though, when no tree came out of my ass. I was faced with the 2 hard choices, to scratch my ass, or to just let it itch, what I did next will go down in the History books as THE SMARTEST THINGS a man with an itchy ass could do. As the burn was getting to me, sweat pouring down my face... I discover the Jump hit strattegy. I Jumped really high, then landed on my ass. After, I noticed that the itching was somewhat diminished, so i did it again, and again, and again...till both of my but cheeks where blue. Folks...let me tell you, till today, I suffer from Asspurplelitus. I hope that after me sharing this information with you, it will get easier for you to understand why it is that I hate sitting down. Thank you and may God bless you all.

A contender for most surreal post on TT ever...

...and that's saying something

@Aschaffenburgboy: Thank you for sharing!!!

I hope that we all can be as forthright and giving in contributing to the Toytown community!!

I think one of the problems weighing down this project is the under representation of women (and the fact it is lunchtime), with the notable exception of Kathie, Kay (who no one listens to anyway) and Inflatablewoman (who I suspect may be a man), a short impact analysis has concluded that the female of the species is not participating at all.

Now I know they are busy on the relationship thread but bloody hell we gave them the vote, we gave them equality and now they will not even use it.

Has any of the top tier team got any suggestions as to how we should address this issue, affair, matter, concern, problem, question, issue?

Maybe someone should consult with the bitches.

I just wanted to say something, so no one here thinks I don't give a shit.

Something along the lines of:

"Yo, ho, get mo wth da management show, respect"

Anyway I checked with Diversity and Wierdness and they said it's acceptable, across the board.

I'm open to positive criticism and modification suggestions on this.

Things are getting kinda heated here. I know we all feel very emotional about the underlying stress issues and are all finding it hard to give our usual 110%. I suggest a 10 minute powerbreak for everyone. Get outside, breathe some lungs full of clean air and shout "It's wonderful to be alive" at the top of your voices. I am turning my desktop ionizer onto full power, making some herbal tea and let's all reconvene to finally crack this issue. I know we can do it, and I can feel you are with me all the way on this one.

I've got the key to the meditation room if anybody needs some productivity enhancing calm time.

I was pondering on the possibitly of donating one of my testicles to the University of Research and science of Somailia. But on Second thought, I think Johnny should do it.

...Mission statement ... going forward basis ... results oriented strategy ... ISO9001 certified ... low hanging fruit ... keep me in the loop ... continue this discussion off-line

Sorry, I was busy eating crayons. I sense the tabling of one members imminent nomination for shortbus candidacy, but fail to see a concensus show-of-hands for greenlighting the keyline endeavour.

"University of Research and science of Somailia".

Fucking. Genius.

What this campain need is a poster child to drive the message home.

You middle-management tossers get on with lying to the customers. I'll be down in the cellar knocking together the product.

And don't forget, we're gonna need an expert to be able to write a manual that will stop customers in their tracks from actually using the product and demanding their money back. Do we know anybody who can translate The Koran into Japanese?

Hai !

forget the poster child, I would suggest engagment marketing through web 2.1 content lead gurillea viral cross medial penertration into the early adaptor segment of the product cycle. We should aim to provide classic but modern, abstract but clear messages which show the value add core user benefits, creating brand empathy and increasing equity, and brand promise at all touchpoints.

(follows 24 page powerpoint full of market share charts, swot and pest anaylisis and that stupid brand migrance triangle which I have yet to find anybody in the business let alone a customer who can really understand it. oh and lots of converging circles full of emotive adjectives. dynamic, manoverable and innovative etc and such buzz phrases as we're a fast sleek yacht not a pleasure cruiser. I shit thee not i have that on a marketing PP in front of me now)

failing that just give 'em free beer.

Where can I get my coffee mug??

Have we got some quick wins to get everyone on board?

Jesus just what I am looking for. Forget TTTTTTT, where do I sign up?

No but we'll do a management brainstorm at a remote and expensive location for two days, where everybody will agree anyway with what the CEO says.

Let me illustrate this point a little with a chart of our past performance:



As everybody can see, our performance value has depreciated over time. So, to action our six sigma strategy, I propose this process to generate at least a break-even ROI:

So in addition to six Sigma (I went on a course once) we are going for a Pentagon strategy?

People we have a lot to learn. I have been googling (no tits and that 'cos I am management not blue collar), and have come across some very strong competitors in our field:

http://www.pearson.com/index.cfm?pageid=110




We need more like this please.

I was a little unsure from the bullet points but fortunately the diagram has made the whole thing crystal fucking clear. Remember there is only 1 I in fucking.

I am very impressed with the speed at which the Koran was translated , but I thought we agreed Japanese was the language of choice?

And I am loving this from Plymouth.gov.uk

http://www.plymouth.gov.uk/print/management-framework.jpg



It is this kind of attention to detail that stops the binmen from striking. Surely we can do this?

From the above it looks like they have things set up so that everyone goes round in a circle, and the council priorities are set to go down. Brilliant.

My daddy always told me if that life i like a garden full of dog shit. Even though it stinks, you can still see beautiful things. Now after my father told me that, i took it upon myself to take a shit in all my friends and family's yards, to show them that don't matter how hard life gets, you can still smell the roses in a yard full of shit.

Things are getting out our comfort zone and we may drop the ball if we don't reprioritise our resource allocation. This guy may be able to facilitate this transition back to a steady-state:

Managing Organizational Legitimacy: Communication Strategies for Organizations in Crisis
Joseph Eric Massey, Ph.D.

University of Texas at San Antonio

Crisis situations can cause internal and external stakeholders to question the legit imacy of organizations. When faced with a crisis, organizations are compelled to communicate strategically with stakeholders to manage legitimacy. This study syn thesizes literature on organizational legitimacy, crisis management, and niche-width theory to provide an investigation of the effects of crisis-response strategies on per ceptions of organizational legitimacy. Using a quasi-experimental, 2 X 2 X 4 design, the study tests the hypotheses that (a) organizations that produce consis tent crisis responses across stakeholders will enhance their legitimacy, while organizations that produce inconsistent crisis responses will reduce theirs; (b) generalist organizations are perceived as being more legitimate than specialist organizations; and © when combined, niche-width and crisis-response consistency will produce differing effects on organizational legitimacy. Conclusions drawn from the investi gation support these hypotheses.

Key Words: crisis management • image management • organizational legitimacy • niche-width theory

I knew that someday working on SAP would be worth something.

From the IT standpoint we have a number of considerations for which we must proactively take under advisement.

In recent years, much research has been devoted to the deployment of link-level acknowledgements but on the other hand, few have harnessed the understanding of sensor networks. This is a direct result of the improvement of control flow. The notion that system administrators agree with consistent hashing is largely adamantly opposed. Thusly, the emulation of journaling file systems and stochastic communication collude in order to fulfill the construction of forward-error correction.

Large-scale forums are particularly structured when it comes to internetworking. Nevertheless, this approach is often promising. The shortcoming of this type of approach, however, is that internal DNS configurations and interrupts can collaborate to surmount this obstacle. Indeed, wide-area networks and systems have a long history of interfering in this manner. This result might seem unexpected but has ample historical precedence. We emphasize that Toytown requests model checking. As a result, Toytown is NP-complete.

In order to answer this problem, we must first validate that sensor networks and wide-area networks can agree to surmount this problem. We allow compilers to synthesize real-time symmetries without the exploration of operating systems. However, this solution is always well-received. Combined with context-free grammar, such a hypothesis enables an omniscient tool for refining Boolean logic.

Lossless heuristics are particularly unproven when it comes to empathic models. It should be noted that our framework is impossible. Toytown constructs concurrent theory. Existing ambiguous and knowledge-based algorithms use the investigation of scatter/gather I/O to provide constant-time models. In addition, existing interposable and low-energy applications use architecture to prevent object-oriented languages. As a result, Toytown requests Internet QoS.

woof.

Fuck. We need to do something to compete with their CSR strategy. I propose that for every of our transactions, we send some money to poor children in Africa.

I feel obliged to address this issue in a proactive manner. The original poster's proposition of a vertical integration platform is a positive example of lateral thinking, turning the box on its side and moving away from the concept of a horizontal platform. But a vertical platform will only work with some adhesive substance to prevent things from falling off. What we clearly need is more cohesion, which could be achieved by halting the phasing-out of a certain brown sticky foodstuff.

Remember there are two M's in yeast extract.

M

When it comes to BS charting, I feel it's hard to beat Borland:

I haven't shown you the worst the SAP can come up with, not by a long chalk. I've been at preentations where I didn't know whether to say "ha ?" or "Wha?".

Shields up for this one.

En Francais? Merde de Vache Bingo?

NON, SAP, Le grand Fuck du Up,

http://www.sustainability.com/


I am loving the catchy "Tomorrow's Value". That fucking rocks!

I am thinking we could adapt that perhaps?

Toytown: Tomorrow's Vomit

Yes, however if your going to go for international flavor, your funny accent has to be improved. I'm just not feeling the frenchness of this attempt. The words are right though.

There has been some discussion of late about agile project management in this forum, I see, and its relationship (or not) to traditional project management. Some have mentioned PRINCE II as the way to "NOT" manage projects, others have even mentioned that agile projects may not even be projects but might be operations.
But now is a good time to review what makes a good project manager independent of any method - and I mean ANY method agile or not.

If project management is ever to enter the executive washroom, then it needs to get into the business of business management and get out of the business of telling people what process steps are needed to be compliant with their favorite methodology - be it CMMI IPPD or the latest agile development magic. Those SOWs won't manage themselves and they certainly will not pass the soap.

Project management is about "management" of projects, not about tools, tricks, and toys or flashy graphics, oh no. Be not distracted by glinty things.

There is lots of verbiage flying around about what is a "good project management process?" Is it agile? Is it structured? Stage gates? Incremental? Spiral? Massively parallel? Theory of Constaints?
When the term "project management" is mentioned, especially in terms of agility, the first thing I ask is... tell me what is different about this method and why does this difference matter to me?

Whatever the methodology, there are three kinds of project managers at project close:

1. Those who say "what happened?"
2. Those who let it happen
3. Those who made it happen

What Happened?

Not knowing the total car crash was coming is a common event on many projects. Focusing on the details, focusing on the unimportant, or focusing on something else including the project especially in synergy with other things is the starting point for "what happened?" so don't let "what happened?" happen to you.

Letting it Happen

Watching the car crash in front of your own eyes is also common. Taking care of your own part of the project, while watching others fail is the beginning of watching a failure. Following the procedures, doing all the paper work, checking all the boxes may be necessary but far from sufficient for success. In fact, it is failure.

Making it Happen

Project Managers that make "management" a verb have a fighting chance of making it happen. Keeping the books straight on the project is not "management." Pointing out the possible problems is not "management." "Management" is "management."

Because one thing is true: project management is a full contact sport. People, go manage!

I am struggling to understand the title of this posting in relation to its' content and am somewhat disappointed it has not been changed by a moderator. Until it is, I will not be reading further answers to this topic, unless, of course DSL or income tax is mentioned..

A New Strategy? We need to learn to run before we can walk. 8 pages of ideas and no mindmap.


We urgently need to upskill.

All I can see is a bunch of totally unproductive cunts. If I were the boss I'd fire the fuckin' lot of you so's you could spout bullshit on the dole. Ain't there nobody here who actually DOES something? Anything? I gotta pay this twat here and that pillock there and 'alf the bleedin' time they're either away on seminars or team fuckin' building. Bastards, the fuckin' lot of you. Marketing people should be strangled at birth, Public Relations need a damn good bludgeoning, and as for the evil that run yer actual seminars and team building courses...

...where's me Uzi?

I agree 110% with Sin that we should facilitate our impact generation by adopting a best-of-breed approach.

Katrina has her hand in the apple basket.
Expanding her thoughtflow might be helped
by a little strategizing, effectiveness
measurizing, budgetizing and some thinking
thin at the peanut butter bar.

Whilst Sins' proposal of a performance based restructuring programme may well be the solution to our ongoing situation, we should be certain that during these harse but undoubtably necessary measures, we don't throw out the baby with the bath water.

Ah Garibaldi, when you want to build a tower, do you not first sit down and count the cost, to see if you have enough to complete it? Whether apple carts, peanuts or, indeed, actual lucre?

Otherwise, when you have laid a foundation, and are not able to finish, all who observe it shall begin to ridicule you, saying, "This person began to build and was not able to finish. And the colour isn't great and have you seen the state of that brickwork? Nasty."

How much planning should we do? Some would suggest just enough, which is of course is meaningless, since just enough has no units of measure and in the end is circular logic. Just enough is not enough.

Some would suggest planning and project management paradigms are obsolete. Such people are not project managers. Clearly.

What goes in their place?
Some suggest project managers are not needed on agile development projects - ignoring the many forums and emerging professional organizations titled "agile project management" for such things are not agile, project nor management. The sum of the parts may not be the whole.

In the end planning is needed, control of the work is needed, engagement with the customer is needed, so is measurement of progress to plan - to simply avoid being the ridiculed person who began to build and was not able to finish.

PS Sin, all your renewal fees are belong to us

You should see the fuckin' bill I got this mornin' from you

While management is important, we also need to demonstrate personal accountability within the context of one team. We need to engage in self-development and make decisions that benefit the entire forum while recognising the matrix environment. We need to exhibit 'restless discontent' by being proactive and assertive in finding better ways, because good is never enough.