Dates vs. meeting someone for a platonic drink

Okay, how about this one?

My German boyfriend (I'm American, still living in America) has a lot of female friends. I'm pretty okay with that, and they go out sometimes, but he also tells me that if he were to meet a new woman and have a beer with her, it wouldn't be considered a date in Germany (Bavaria) - it would be just meeting a new friend and having a beer.

Sounds like a date to me?

Related topic: American women dating German men

I didn't comment on the last thread, but I will here. Yes, sounds like he is keeping his options open.

Sounds like a duck, walks like a duck...is it a duck?
I agree with DDBug. If he is keeping his options open, you should keep your options open too.

Time for you to start making new "friends" as well. Friends, male or female, are people you go out with, people you know. Men don't go into bars to meet new female "friends". Don't buy it, it's bull.

maybe he's just a convivial person who likes a beer and growing his circle of friends.

but it is probably a date.

@ MB - she didn't say he was picking up in bars, just meeting a girl for a drink. he could have met her at a party, through a friend or whatever.

i've met girls in bars for a drink before, and me not considering it an attempt to get laid. once, I think in 1998.

I'm not sure I understand this - are you both in the States? If so, if your boyfriend were to go for a beer with someone new, the woman would most likely be American or at least be used to "American ways", no? So even if he didn't consider it a date (and I have my doubts), wouldn't she consider it as one?

BTW -- this isn't something that has happened. (as far as I know) We were just talking about a friend of mine who found a woman's number in her husband's pocket and was very angry. My boyfriend was shocked that that could be a problem, because in his mind, it wouldn't be -- it could have been the number of a new "friend"

My German ex used to go out for drinks and meals with female colleagues and meet up with established female friends on his own. Didn't bother me but that's because we trusted each other completely (and we were long distance for ages, so he'd never have seen these people otherwise!). He did used to ask if it was ok rather than just informing me though. Might have felt a bit different if he was just randomly meeting new female friends but many of the colleagues turned into friends anyway, so not sure. The important thing to me was that he was always upfront about it and I knew I could trust him. I also had male friends and he was fine with that.

I'd say it just depends on the individual relationship and feelings involved. If you are not happy with it or sense he's actually looking to date other people, you need to talk to him about how you feel - doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or does really.

Kay (sorry I don't know how to use the quote function yet) He is living in Bavaria and I am in America. He was talking about how it would be for him in Bavaria. And, I agree with you -- if he were to do that here in America -- it would be a date!

Nowt wrong with it. It's good having a few female mates to tell you you look good in your new jeans

@zan
I see. I was a bit confused because on the other thread you wrote about always splitting bills, etc. and it sounded like something that happened regularly and frequently, so I assumed you were both in the same place.

I think actually this is another cultural difference and that, yes, it is totally normal behaviour for Germans. My former German lecturer complained of this to us in NZ about 20 years ago, as one of the things she found hard in NZ, that it would not really be acceptable for he, as married German woman, to have male friends as she would have done in Germany.

I don't think it' a case of him keeping his options open.
EDIT: I think it's a case of him wanting to be able to have friends of either sex - and that's one of the things I really like about Germany.

Think of it from a different point of view: I have been single for quite a while. I am in my early 40s. Given that there aren't so mny single men around at that age, does this mean I should only be able to have a circle of women, gay guys and divorced men? Just because I'd like to be friends with some men, who may be married or living with someone, doesn't mean I want to shag them (or that they want to shag me).

I would have to disagree.

Its her own fault for going through his pockets!

Except that he'd probably tossed his suit on the floor and told her to take it to be drycleaned...

Yeah, and the biatch, should have just took it to the cleaners. He didn't say take this to the cleaners...oh, and rifle through my pockets!!

Just let him go out and have fun! The more you don't want him to go, the more he will want to go.

I find these divisions very blurred in German
A Mann is a man and a husband. A big difference in English.
Likewise a Freund is a male friend but also a boyfriend also a big difference in Eng-lish. Same for Freundin. – sounds like fun to me - but how are you supposed to know the difference when discussing these sort of things in German with a German.

@johnnyd, a German friend explained this to me once: eine (a) Freund/in means a friend, while meine (my) Freund/in means gf/bf.

Thanks for explanation - wonder if that is same for Mann. Can always ask more questions in a German conversation but then it might come across as being nosey.
One benefit in German is say when the girl says she went out with her Freundin at least you know it’s a female friend (hopefully not a girlfriend) without asking more questions like you might have to in English.

Wow, I must go on a lot of dates without realising it then.

When is date a date and not a night out. Maybe it is different in German but in English sprechenland men can never have platonic female friends. They may say that but really the men are only interested because they want to date (trying my best to keep this topic clean) the girl.

Bullshit.
Shockingly enough, I'm not arrogant enough to think all my male friends want to have sex with me.
Some of them might actually have taste, just not in friends, perhaps? Shocking, eh? Frankly, I will have to talk to them all in the name of market research to find out precisely why they do not want to, having a wife or girlfriend is obviously no excuse, because hey, I am female and they are men therefore they must want to, right?

How conceited can you get?
It would be like some insecure guy refusing to drink in a gay bar because all of the blokes might want to have sex with him because he is a guy.

It is just plain old daft.
Maybe I should get all of my male friends to do a polygraph test and then only drink with the ones that pass?
What's next? Banning your boyfriend from sitting next to women on the bus in case he might talk to one?
Being that insecure is an insult to him and to yourself.

Why are you so scared of other women?
Why do they threaten you?
Do you believe that someone else could right now be the bigger, better deal and that your boyfriend might vote with his feet? Being that insecure is one way to find out quickly.

Those are things for you to consider and they are more important than the beers your boyfriend shares with other people.
Have an open and honest conversation together, if your expectations are that different, this might not be the relationship for you.

Disagree.

Yes, another pearl of wisdom from Johnny D...

I find this an interesting discussion. But I think the underlying issue here is really trust and security in this relationship borne out of the fact that you are so far away from each other. If it was me personally, I wouldn't spend one iota of a moment wondering, worrying, or even caring about what your german "boyfriend" is doing here in Germany while you are in the States. It's a waste of energy and something you have little control over. Nor would I be even engaged in a discussion with him regarding how he spends his free time with "friends". Nor would I allow him to discuss with me his frolics with his women friends, as this could be detrimental to your trust and could be motivated out of trying to make you jealous to see how much you really care.

So I think it's irrelevant if it's a "date" or not. I think men can have women friends and it's platonic and women can have men friends and they are just friends. Adults can meet some one of the opposite sex and have lunch or cake and coffee who is just your friend. I do this all the time. However, the word "date" seems to connote a romantic interest, but really it's all semantics.

But at the end of day, trust your intuition.

Have to disagree with you Katrina - I spent a lot of time in North America listening to all the phone in radio shows - very interesting and popular over there - and that was the final conclusion - that's what I based my comments on.

Now you have validated my argument that you are wrong.

My comments are based on the reality of my own life, not that of radio shows.
Maybe the mirrors are better in North America? I mean, if everyone believes they are so hot that everyone else wants to have sex with them, they must be, right?
Somehow, I suspect that they are the same as here though.

I can have platonic relationships with women - naturally at work and at mutal interest clubs etc.. but to go (one on one) to bars and invite to restaurant or cinema etc. then definitely a date.

Don't you have opinions of your own or are you just looking for slagging matches all the time.

Maybe I should start a thread apologising to all those men who I must have been on dates on with and did not actually notice that we were on a date?
Kind of


Or maybe I should always take a chaperone with me at all times so that I can never be a victim of a date by stealth ever again?
Perhaps I should just shoot all men? That could actually be quite effective and would also be pretty simple.
Oh decisions, decisions...

Of course I do, but right now I am enjoying laughing at your lame opinions...OKAY!

I have plenty of female friends who I can go out for a drink for, confide in, whatever. Does not mean I want to shag them all...

That is the talk of someone who gets none!

Do you presume that a date with a man who you just shot would be still of interest?

Perhaps you should call it a "date" and maybe you would get some

Those are the kind of truths that TT just wouldn't be able to handle.

Maybe you have very low libido – not something broadcast is it.

Wee Mun is my neighbour. My windows are shut a lot.

But I'm never having a drink with him ever again, the filthy dirty stealth dater that he is.

Just ask him to take a look at your home page - he'll run a mile - or maybe not.

Kudos to you Katrina! Very good responses to the other's posts. Excellent even! Get own down wit yo bad sefl!
take care,
space

Katrina, I took a look at your home page

I just reread your first post and I don't know why you are so worried, it's not like you guys are engaged or married. You are casually dating him so I don't understand why you are so concerned about this?

What a load of shit!! My best friend in Munich is a woman and we go out together to lots of places, equally i go out with other female friends (Katrina even) and no it's not considered a date.

I think this has more to do with level of maturity, then location. So high school.

i agree with katrina. meeting up with (boy)friend is not a date.
yes it is about trust but i would be more depressed if i couldn't make new friends just because i am in a relationship.

Ok it seems that I misunderstood your initial statement. In Germany friendships between the opposite sex is completely normal and going out, even just one man and one woman, is normal too. But I think I did write this. I thought you meant that your guy goes out to bars to meet women and then tell you "they are just friends". If you feel you can trust him, let him go out with as many women as he wants to. You sitting in America and him sitting in Bavaria does not make thing easy though in the long run trust-wise.

I encourage my boyfriend to have a diverse group of friends both male and female.

Thanks for all the advice/input -- this is a great group -- full of opinions. I guess for me the long distance has had an effect on my trust-meter! It's tough, but I know that I have no control over what he does/does not do. I just wanted to see if what he was telling me was "normal" is or isn't the case in Germany. Thanks again!

hello, hello...what decade are we in. Of course one can have opposite sex friends and not have sex on the brain. Katrina is absolutely right.

You are young and have therefore ignored the wisdom of your elders:


woof