Swiss in Liechtenstein 'invasion'? Probably not.
171 Swiss infantry soldiers blundered 2 kilometres into Liechtenstein on Wednesday night during an exercise, realised where they were, and hastily retreated. Had they been wise enough to keep their mouths shut, nobody would have noticed, but I bet the formal apology came as a bit of a surprise to Liechtenstein, who until that point appeared none the wiser.
Rumours coming out of Vaduz suggest that the principalities 11th Fleet has been put on standby and 4 of their most modern nuclear submarines have left their ports, just in case the Swiss try anything funny in the coming days. History suggests that this could be the first attempt at Swiss humour.
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Switzerland invades Liechtenstein
The beginning of the push for Austria?
This story is not true. It is a complete fabrication released to the press in order to provide cover as elite Lederhosen clad Oberallgäu commandos strike at selected targets in Oberbayern. It is believed that the use of Weisswurst missiles and Pressack bunkerbusters has been considered for a counterattack.
The elite Lederhosen clad Oberallgäu commandos are doomed to fail, for they have ignored the teachings of Master Tzu, who said:
When attacking with Wiesswurst,
Adapt to
These Five Changes of Weisswurst:
If Weisswurst is fired
Upon the enemy
Ensure supply
From München.
If Weisswurst is fired
But the enemy remains calm,
Wait,
Do not attack.
Let them use their own Händlmaier's
If Weisswurst is fired
Without süßer hausmachersenf
The enemy will counterattack
With power
For your supplies
Weisswurst that is overcooked
May delay advance
Weisswurst strategy
Can never succeed without
Two brez'n
For every pair
Know these words and Oberbayern shall be taken
Known them not and you will be saying, "G'ai?" for a thousand years.
When attacking with Wiesswurst,
Adapt to
These Five Changes of Weisswurst:
If Weisswurst is fired
Upon the enemy
Ensure supply
From München.
If Weisswurst is fired
But the enemy remains calm,
Wait,
Do not attack.
Let them use their own Händlmaier's
If Weisswurst is fired
Without süßer hausmachersenf
The enemy will counterattack
With power
For your supplies
Weisswurst that is overcooked
May delay advance
Weisswurst strategy
Can never succeed without
Two brez'n
For every pair
Know these words and Oberbayern shall be taken
Known them not and you will be saying, "G'ai?" for a thousand years.
did they steal any decent power drills?
You win battles by knowing the enemy's mustard, and using a mustard which the enemy does not expect.�
Schwarzwald Samurai Günther "Miyamoto Musashii" Weber.
Schwarzwald Samurai Günther "Miyamoto Musashii" Weber.
QUOTE (Sin @ Mar 3 2007, 8:07 pm) 
Know these words and Oberbayern shall be taken
We would stop them at the Donau.
This would explain why Ludwigs 101st Hairborne Zipfeklatschern have just marched down the Türkenstrasse armed with chocolate-seeking Wolpatsdinger. Although why they'll be going into battle armed with stuffed and sprung Ewoks remains a mystery.
The Imperial Semmel Raiders have just launched their boats on the Ammersee. A rocket attack on Andechs appears to be imminent.
What have you lot been smoking?
Extinguish those cigarettes, the first 1000 Dirndl raid could be passing over Laim right now.
Smoking? Semmeln with Logik. I thought it was obvious. Now get thee to the nearest Schmarnbunker, things could get pretty tight from here on in, rumour has it they've reanimated Sissys dirndl and have it stuffed with Dulce de Leckerschmeckerhosendrecker and it's leading the charge at Miesbach.
Oberbürgermeister Üde has just embarked on a nuclearpowered swan boat on the Isar. His last words to the hardpressed defenders of the Museumsbrücke "Ich komme wieder, bürschen". Resplendent in a trachten Janker and check shirt Ude chewed defiantly on Landjäger, possibly in emulation of his favourite historical figure, General Douglas "Zwei Weissbier or I'll corregidor" McArthur.
Edit: the bridge has been taken and a handfull of defenders have retreated to the Museum Lichtspiele where patrons have not yet noticed tracer rounds and muzzle blasts as anything out of the ordinary.
Edit: the bridge has been taken and a handfull of defenders have retreated to the Museum Lichtspiele where patrons have not yet noticed tracer rounds and muzzle blasts as anything out of the ordinary.
Update: Prinzessin Britney von Stoiber has been overrun at Tölz by Frütigers Baskets armed only with Rapidographs and a bellyfull of Toblerone. He's acquiesced and seceded the pantry of Wolfratshausen to a handful of Genfer lead by Admiral Legohosen von Hugendubel. Bloggers report a complete news blackout and the repainting of the S-Bahn as a giant Debreziner. BR Alpha has just predicted a pincer movement and urges all Bavarians to stay indoors and let Die Saupreissn fight.
Do you think it's possible thet the Preusen could unleash their Skat missiles ?
Maybe if they're offered a punchbowl full of Limes the size of Dresden and an editorial in Titanic - otherwise they'll stick to macing the civilian populace with Sinalco and turning Pez dispensers into blamethrowers. The same tactic they used in 1870.
Oh my God! This is serious. Stoiber has just left München Flughafen. His Press Secretary said it was, and I quote, A matter of International Importance. He's due to land in Stuttgart in 25 minutes.
Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Stoiber has officially expressed disappointment that he may miss Space Night as he refuses to watch it in Schwäbisch.
The runway has been blocked by a barricade of upsidedown Mercedes.
The Maultaschen Muntineers want to rescind the amalgamation of Baden-Württemburg and return the Länder to their original status.
Badburg and Enwürttem.
The Maultaschen Muntineers want to rescind the amalgamation of Baden-Württemburg and return the Länder to their original status.
Badburg and Enwürttem.
STOP PRESS: In a show of unity in defence of The Sovereign Principality of Liechtenstein, the Dutch Government has emerged from a 4 hour Emergency Session behind closed doors in The Hague. The Dutch Defence Minister Dirk van der Kok has just announced to waiting TV cameras that The 17th Royal Netherlands Alpine Marines has been put on full stand-by...
...more news later.
...more news later.
LATEST... FLASH! France surrenders!?!
Is full stand-by the DEFCON status between Stoned As A Mushroom and Licking THe Mold Off The Back Of the Fridge Munchies ?
Only for the specialist Amsterdam 'Stay Behind and Well Out of It' Brigade.
More like somewhere between QVC torpor and Thomas Gottschalks Emergency Broadcast Wetten Das Arsch der Welt call-to-arms. What if the Swiss use Zombies? Would that make the Chocolate Clockmunchers cooler?
QUOTE (Punchbear @ Mar 3 2007, 10:18 pm)
What if the Swiss use Zombies?
Bern is a semi-autonomous zone. They would never send their zombies on offensive manouevres.
Answer No.2
Bern is a semi-autonomous zone. Besides, she's big enough to slap me.
Answer #2. hope for Zombies. You can outrun them.
Maybe I don't wanna run.
Point taken. DefCon Z it is.
Swiss soldiers gettting lost and wandering into Liechtenstein? What's this world coming to I wonder? Shocking.
Meanwhile, in Poland...
Polish Fringe Magazine Pictures Merkel As Hitler
Meanwhile, in Poland...
Polish Fringe Magazine Pictures Merkel As Hitler
QUOTE
04:42 PM, March 2nd 2007 - German Chancellor Angela Merkel is pictured as Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler with the caption "EU Fascism on the Offensive" on the cover of the latest edition of the Polish political fringe magazine Czas.
And in the cold light of day, after a concerted push on München Süd by the hordes of San Marino, now in league with the massed armies of Liechtenstein, it would seem that the men of the Glockenbachviertel have been holding their own. Some may have been holding others.
Presidente Mario Hernando Schmuchtlfanger von Güberbayern has declared a temporary cessation of hostilities pending a military review of his invasion force being accidentally equipped with rubber strap-on bums and peg guns instead of the standard Toblerone rifle and Entenhodenwerfern. The Swiss defence minister, Marvon sin Cessna, deep in his Duplo bunker, denies a Liechtenstenian internet plot whereby Swiss military inventory databases were hacked by a crack team of hackers from Daniel Küblbock Gymnasium in Oberunterdanebenpffafafluffawoowoofalüfahofenhausen, replacing, among other things, a synchotron with the entire cast of Verliebt in Miesbach and a nativity Subbuteo set.
QUOTE (Sin @ Mar 3 2007, 10:20 pm)
Bern is a semi-autonomous zone. Besides, she's big enough to slap me.
Sin. Mate. There is barely a person alive who is not big enough to slap you
Well that's fair enough Crawlie, mate. But, unless it's a woman doing the slappin', you just know I'm goin' to make the attempt at permanent damage on the slapper. I may do it in the heat of the moment. I may bide my time and catch you down a dark alley with a lump of four by two round the back of the neck. But, you know I'm gonna do it.
*Sin is only 5'10"
*Sin is only 5'10"
Four by two? Man, I need a few of them for the fence...
You can keep the one I'll clock you with.
Interesting article in the Vaduz Chronicle today:
Me, I wonder if the story has anything to do with this.
QUOTE
Who really invaded Liechtenstein ... and why?
The incident of last Wednesday, in which Swiss troops allegedly crossed into Liechtenstein, may have been a cover for something altogether more sinister. Doubt was cast on the official version when witnesses claimed to have seen the army unit in question staggering out of a village pub 50 km inside Swiss territory, at precisely the time when they were supposed to be engaged in the cross-border raid. Moreover, a couple of mountain hikers on the Liechtenstein side claimed to have been close enough to the invading troops to overhear their conversation, in which the words "black gold" came up repeatedly. One of the soldiers, speaking English with a "strange accent", was heard to say: "Well, the trial run went off without a hitch. Not a spot of resistance. Should be a doddle when our troops invade for real ... but of course we won't be masquerading as Swiss Army toy soldiers then ... har, har! We'll soon be mining that black gold..."
Strange words indeed. Investigations by this newspaper have brought to light a curious tale from 1979. Inhabitants of a village near the Swiss border remember a night in September 1979 when a convoy of container trucks rumbled through the village and on up into the mountains where, according to one eye-witness, their cargo was unloaded into a disused mine shaft. Here too, the words "black gold" were overheard.
So who is storing what in a mountainside in our little country? At the centre of this bizarre tale seems to be a mysterious character identified only as Mr. Innuendo, who was granted permission by the Liechtenstein authorities to use the former mine as a storage facility. Very little is known about Mr. Innuendo, except that he is believed to reside somewhere in deepest Bavaria. As to the nature of the "black gold", there is speculation that it could be conventional mineral oil, a pharmaceutical product, illegal drugs, or even an experimental foodstuff with remarkable properties.
More worryingly, which country is planning an invasion of Liechtenstein in order to take control of the "black gold"? The US perhaps, since the efforts to gain access to the black gold of the Arab countries are not going quite as planned? Is it true that the CIA is investigating rumours of vast oil reserves beneath the Liechtenstein mountains? Or is it the Chinese, looking to European oil to fuel their burgeoning economy? To add a final twist to this extraordinary tale, certain sources claim that a well-known purveyor of adult recreational products, Beate Schmuse, is involved in an agreement with Mr. Innuendo to market the "black gold" as an aphrodisiac, though whether for internal or external use is not clear. However, a spokesman for Beate Schmuse dismissed the rumours as a "smear campaign".
The incident of last Wednesday, in which Swiss troops allegedly crossed into Liechtenstein, may have been a cover for something altogether more sinister. Doubt was cast on the official version when witnesses claimed to have seen the army unit in question staggering out of a village pub 50 km inside Swiss territory, at precisely the time when they were supposed to be engaged in the cross-border raid. Moreover, a couple of mountain hikers on the Liechtenstein side claimed to have been close enough to the invading troops to overhear their conversation, in which the words "black gold" came up repeatedly. One of the soldiers, speaking English with a "strange accent", was heard to say: "Well, the trial run went off without a hitch. Not a spot of resistance. Should be a doddle when our troops invade for real ... but of course we won't be masquerading as Swiss Army toy soldiers then ... har, har! We'll soon be mining that black gold..."
Strange words indeed. Investigations by this newspaper have brought to light a curious tale from 1979. Inhabitants of a village near the Swiss border remember a night in September 1979 when a convoy of container trucks rumbled through the village and on up into the mountains where, according to one eye-witness, their cargo was unloaded into a disused mine shaft. Here too, the words "black gold" were overheard.
So who is storing what in a mountainside in our little country? At the centre of this bizarre tale seems to be a mysterious character identified only as Mr. Innuendo, who was granted permission by the Liechtenstein authorities to use the former mine as a storage facility. Very little is known about Mr. Innuendo, except that he is believed to reside somewhere in deepest Bavaria. As to the nature of the "black gold", there is speculation that it could be conventional mineral oil, a pharmaceutical product, illegal drugs, or even an experimental foodstuff with remarkable properties.
More worryingly, which country is planning an invasion of Liechtenstein in order to take control of the "black gold"? The US perhaps, since the efforts to gain access to the black gold of the Arab countries are not going quite as planned? Is it true that the CIA is investigating rumours of vast oil reserves beneath the Liechtenstein mountains? Or is it the Chinese, looking to European oil to fuel their burgeoning economy? To add a final twist to this extraordinary tale, certain sources claim that a well-known purveyor of adult recreational products, Beate Schmuse, is involved in an agreement with Mr. Innuendo to market the "black gold" as an aphrodisiac, though whether for internal or external use is not clear. However, a spokesman for Beate Schmuse dismissed the rumours as a "smear campaign".
Me, I wonder if the story has anything to do with this.
Oooshit!
Looks like it may indeed have been the Chinese. According to an article in today's "Die Welt", Chinese soldiers were training in the Austrian alps from February 17th to March 3rd, learning combat techniques in mountainous terrain.
Article in German: Bundesheer bildet chinesische Militärs aus
Are they planning a pincer attack together with their colleagues on the Swiss side? Will they take possession of the Liechtenstein oilfields? Will it be Swiss fondue with chopsticks? Or an all-out Muesli stir-fry attack with Soy Sauce?
Article in German: Bundesheer bildet chinesische Militärs aus
Are they planning a pincer attack together with their colleagues on the Swiss side? Will they take possession of the Liechtenstein oilfields? Will it be Swiss fondue with chopsticks? Or an all-out Muesli stir-fry attack with Soy Sauce?
This is my favorite thread of the year so far.
Duck and cover!
We should all be living in fear. This is terrible. What about the Geneva Convention? I can't even use the bloody Geneva Convention because it's the naffin' Swiss attacking on one side and The Chinese on the other, and the Swiss have already got Geneva, so they won't let you see what's written in The Convention... damn it!
There's going to have to be a new convention, drawn up in... er... um... what about Fairport (it's in Connecticut, right?).
That's it. I DEMAND that both The Swiss and The Chinese adhere to the Rules of The Fairport Convention, which clearly states under Article 7, Para 14:
Ye gentlemen of high renown, come listen unto me
That takes delight in fox hunting by every degree
A story I will tell to you, concerning of a fox
Near royston woods and mountains high and over stony rocks
Bold Reynard, being in his hole and hearing of these hounds
Which made him for to prick up his ears and tread upon the ground
"Methinks me hears some jubal hounds a-pressing upon the life
Before that they should come to me, I'll tread upon the ground"
We hunted for four hours or more through parishes sixteen
We hunted for four hours or more and came by Parkworth Green
"Oh, if you'll only spare my life, I promise and fulfil
To touch no more your feathered fowl or lambs on yonder hill"
Bold Reynard, spent and out of breath and treading on this ground
Thinking he must give up his life before these jubal hounds
"So here's adieu to ducks and geese, likewise to lambs also"
They've got poor Reynard by the slabs and will not let them go
And If memory serves me well, the correct etiquette is to place the left index finger in the left ear and recite in a form of Anglo-yodel.
What do The Chinese want withmy Marmite stash Liechtenstein anyway?
We should all be living in fear. This is terrible. What about the Geneva Convention? I can't even use the bloody Geneva Convention because it's the naffin' Swiss attacking on one side and The Chinese on the other, and the Swiss have already got Geneva, so they won't let you see what's written in The Convention... damn it!
There's going to have to be a new convention, drawn up in... er... um... what about Fairport (it's in Connecticut, right?).
That's it. I DEMAND that both The Swiss and The Chinese adhere to the Rules of The Fairport Convention, which clearly states under Article 7, Para 14:
Ye gentlemen of high renown, come listen unto me
That takes delight in fox hunting by every degree
A story I will tell to you, concerning of a fox
Near royston woods and mountains high and over stony rocks
Bold Reynard, being in his hole and hearing of these hounds
Which made him for to prick up his ears and tread upon the ground
"Methinks me hears some jubal hounds a-pressing upon the life
Before that they should come to me, I'll tread upon the ground"
We hunted for four hours or more through parishes sixteen
We hunted for four hours or more and came by Parkworth Green
"Oh, if you'll only spare my life, I promise and fulfil
To touch no more your feathered fowl or lambs on yonder hill"
Bold Reynard, spent and out of breath and treading on this ground
Thinking he must give up his life before these jubal hounds
"So here's adieu to ducks and geese, likewise to lambs also"
They've got poor Reynard by the slabs and will not let them go
And If memory serves me well, the correct etiquette is to place the left index finger in the left ear and recite in a form of Anglo-yodel.
What do The Chinese want with
Just read this in the Vaduz Chronicle:
QUOTE
Two weeks after the Chinese invasion, the atmosphere in Vaduz yesterday was calm but subdued, as life in the principality slowly returns to normal under the occupying forces. The town has acquired a certain oriental flair, with the opening of a Chinese fast-food outlet:
Wok-Man
Local residents were not favourably impressed by the food there, and at first the Chinese troops also shunned the establishment. However, they are now flocking to it in ever-increasing numbers, lured by reports of a strong, thick, soy-like sauce, advertised as "Dragon Sauce" and rumoured to promote extraordinary body hair growth. Indeed, bemused Chinese soldiers are now sprouting a density of beard uncommon among the sons of the Middle Kingdom, and Vaduz barbers are making a killing (at least metaphorically) as the soldiers experiment with styling techniques for their newly-acquired facial fuzz. A hairy chest may be not the only side effect of the magic sauce. The ladies who ply their trade in the lobby of the Vaduz Grand Hotel where many Chinese army officers are housed, note that their newly hirsuite clients have become quite demanding.
The manager of Wok-Man, Mr. Fang, declined to reveal the recipe for his "Dragon Sauce". Mr. Fang said: "Dragon sauce recipe secret, but special ingredient come from Liechtenstein mountains. Why local people not eat at Wok-Man? I make special offer: Wok-Man rabbit-and-pork stir-fry with Dragon Sauce, half-price all next week. Also very special offer to English man in Munich who give Wok-Man bad reviews, say even his dog not eat Wok-Man food, ruin my business. I make offer: English man come to Vaduz next week, bring big dog. Big dog eat special food with Dragon Sauce. Then we make special Wok-Man dog-meat stew - very powerful - English man eat, go back to Munich, tell people Wok-Man food very good. If English man not want eat dog-meat stew, we make special Wok-Man man-meat-stew, feed to dog. Very good, taste like rabbit-and-pork."
Wok-Man
Local residents were not favourably impressed by the food there, and at first the Chinese troops also shunned the establishment. However, they are now flocking to it in ever-increasing numbers, lured by reports of a strong, thick, soy-like sauce, advertised as "Dragon Sauce" and rumoured to promote extraordinary body hair growth. Indeed, bemused Chinese soldiers are now sprouting a density of beard uncommon among the sons of the Middle Kingdom, and Vaduz barbers are making a killing (at least metaphorically) as the soldiers experiment with styling techniques for their newly-acquired facial fuzz. A hairy chest may be not the only side effect of the magic sauce. The ladies who ply their trade in the lobby of the Vaduz Grand Hotel where many Chinese army officers are housed, note that their newly hirsuite clients have become quite demanding.
The manager of Wok-Man, Mr. Fang, declined to reveal the recipe for his "Dragon Sauce". Mr. Fang said: "Dragon sauce recipe secret, but special ingredient come from Liechtenstein mountains. Why local people not eat at Wok-Man? I make special offer: Wok-Man rabbit-and-pork stir-fry with Dragon Sauce, half-price all next week. Also very special offer to English man in Munich who give Wok-Man bad reviews, say even his dog not eat Wok-Man food, ruin my business. I make offer: English man come to Vaduz next week, bring big dog. Big dog eat special food with Dragon Sauce. Then we make special Wok-Man dog-meat stew - very powerful - English man eat, go back to Munich, tell people Wok-Man food very good. If English man not want eat dog-meat stew, we make special Wok-Man man-meat-stew, feed to dog. Very good, taste like rabbit-and-pork."
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