What's wrong with my son's mother? What to do?

I love my son, and I love spending time with him, as a matter of fact it hurts me when I have to drive him back to his mother. But it worries me that when I have him, she never calls to see how he is doing, even if three weeks go by. When I pick him up, he has these rashes and smells like a wet chicken. One time I decided to see what would happened if I did not bring him back, I stayed with him for a week longer without talking it over with his mom. She didn’t even write an SMS to ask how he was doing.

I wish that she was a pencil drawing in our lives and I could just erase her, but that is not the case. I have tried talking to her, but she is one of those girls that doesn’t want to hear it, and flat out doesn’t really care. She is 25 years old, when will she realize that SHE HAS A SON, who is only 10 months old. I really think I am going to go crazy next time I pick him up and he doesn’t look the same way I gave him to her.

ANY HIT-MEN OUT THERE? What should I do? SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

Talk to a social worker and legal counsel about your concern. In the meantime, document, document, document with photos, video and writing. For the latter, do NOT put anything subjective in your notes, i.e. I feel or I think, stick to the facts about the child's physical condition, weight, smells etc. Also becareful stepping outside the parameters of your custody arrangement, could bite you later down the road.

Good luck to you and the wee one.

Go for sole custody if you believe she isn't fit to be a mother

Try asking her to give you full custody. Maybe she doesn't want the child and would be happy to give him up.

What jml said - get help, document everything neutrally, consider full custody afer seeking legal advice via the Jugendamt, Verbraucherzentrale or specialist lawyer. I take it you aren't married, right? Are you named on the birth certificate?

Yes you are upset, but don't do or say anything in haste - stuff like that can go against you, even if meant in humour.
Hope you find a solution that works for the wee one because that situation sounds horrible from what you say.

I completely agree with jml, document as much as you can.

I don't know if I would ask her for full custody, she might fight you tooth and nail only b/c she knows you want it. Document your concerns, and present them to the court.

Good luck

It is quite difficult to raise an infant without the mother. I hope there is a happy ending for the three of you
Though the question that begs to be asked is (and you will be asked if you take any kind of action)- Why did the two of you decide to have a child?
I presume you both are unmarried rather than divorced ..

unmarried, and she forgot the pill, she thought about an abortion, but then i told her that she would regret it later in life. And i am so happy she didn't do it, I love my son!

Is she upset that you are not marrying her? Or sounds like she is not interested in taking care of the kid.

It is really hard to bring up a kid without the love of both parents, but then again I hope it works peacfully than fighting, since that hurt the kid more.

I have to add: you're both very young and communicating over a child custody is difficult at any age, for anyone but especially when the actual welfare of the child is in question. Talking to a social worker or psychologist is important as they may be able to coach you on the right approach and/or have useful information for you in how to recognise symptoms of a real problem, i.e. the signs of post partum depression for example.

Equally important: determine your actual legal options before doing anything else. Come to TT for support and to find people who have been through similiar situations but understand each case is different and further complicated for auslanders. Any advice you get here, mine included, might not be right for you and your son and anytime you spend on here is wasted in terms of understanding your *actual*, specific LEGAL options.

If you dont have it already, get legal insurance. Use the search feature to learn more information. Edit: I assume legal insurance covers family/custody issues. There you go further proof that you need actual counsel rather than random internet advice.

@Aschaffenburgboy
Hm, unmarried, forgot the pill, thought about an abortion, doesn´t keep in touch when you have custody and is 25, doesn´t sound too good to me...

I agree with jml about your taking legal action against the mother...

In case you are interested, some info about women having unwanted children and the possible consequences for the children

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/news-arti...ortion-6137.htm

u.a.
"Negative Effects of Unwanted Childbearing
A recent study documents the negative effects of unwanted childbearing on both the mother and her family (Barber et al., 1999). Women who have had unwanted births sustain lower quality relationships with all of their children, not only the child resulting from an unwanted birth. These lower quality relationships translate into socialization problems for the children, affecting their development, self-esteem, personality, educational and occupational attainment, mental health and marital relationships (Barber et al., 1999; Myhrman et al.,1996).
Mothers with unwanted births are substantially more depressed and less happy than mothers without unwanted births. Possible mental health consequences of unwanted childbearing also include less shared leisure time with children and more physical punishment, such as spanking.
The negative effects of unwanted childbearing persist across the life course — mothers with unwanted births have lower quality relationships with their children from late adolescence throughout early adulthood (Barber et al., 1999).

I suggest giving the boykins a general check-up as well. I am NOT insinuating that he is being abused but if he is not receiving the necessary care/nutrition/attention a doctor can give you tips as well on whom to contact.

First off, I hope you get this sorted for both your child and you.
Second, I'm aware 25yr old is not old at all is young, inexperienced, and perhaps, depending on the person, not mature and responsible, but anyone of any age could have problems having a kid (especially if the child came about because of missing the bill and deciding against abortion- ie, not well thought out. Someone who didn't plan on getting preggers can definately still want the kid and be an amazing parent, but that, with what little info we have, does not seem the case. Perhaps not really planned for or wanted.).
Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I don't think it's fair saying to blame age as one of things against this mother. Everything else could be valid, i have not clue, but just because she's young does NOT mean she cannot be a mother.

not really surprising, is it. She really didn't want a child, you did and talked her into having it. It's a bit unfair to blame it all on her and suspect her to be not up to the job. It's great how much you care, but there may be a bit of overreacting from your side, too. From her side, you pushed her into being a mum, so maybe she is not unhappy when you have him and just doesn't want to contact you for personal reasons (You want to erase her, maybe she wants the same the other way round).

Sorry to hear that.

On the strength of the infos presented...can't be reiterated enough here: Document, document, document, document everything. Keep a diary for yourself in tandem with the documentation.
It's a sad fact but not everyone's cut out to be a parent and sometimes intervention really is necessary for the childs wellbeing. It could be she's suffering from post-natal depression, you could ask her friends in a roundabout way how she's been behaving in general. In that case you'd be doing 3 human beings a favour.

No one has yet mentioned the possibility that your partner has post-natal depression... This might be the case if your partner's behaviour is 'out-of-character'. I cannot offer any advice, but maybe someone else can.
EDIT: same as Pb

if you believe she isn't fit to be a mother then that should have been a consideration before deciding on the kid - pushing her into keeping the child then splitting up and starting legal proceedings to get sole custody sounds pretty selfish. It all sounds pretty immature on both sides unfortunately - poor kid

what to do? well, carry on as you are doing - thats the situation you wanted to create so what's the problem?

Have you talked to her - are the lines of communication between the two of you open? What's going on in her life - is she employed, with a new partner, does she have emotional/financial support...

she's only 25! She might also regret keeping it later (or sooner) in life

Exactly. The thing that "screams" out at me here is the comment about her considering an abortion but that the father encouraged her not to. The points made about unwanted pregnancy and the possible psychological affect on the mother and the child are very valid here. Don't demonize the mother. Just document everything as JML suggested and speak to a lawyer as soon as possible about taking the necessary steps to gain custody. Perhaps you will not even have to fight her for it, it sounds like she knows she is not ready for the responsibility. Or maybe she needs more emotional support from you and her family.

I was a mother at 20 and I wanted my child even though he was unplanned. I never regretted it. Even at 20 I was prepared to give up parties and dating in order to raise my child..and that is exactly what I did. The age of the mother is not as relevent as her mental health and emotional readiness for motherhood. Although her age will naturally dictate to some extent how ready she is for motherhood. I was lucky to be raised in a huge family with a strong mother and positive influences and maternal role models.

I understand how you feel about your little boy. Listen to your instincts and seek legal advice immediately. Good luck!

Have you actually tried talking or just shouting in anger. Rashes can be from anything, doesn't necessarily mean neglect. I don't really know what you mean by smelling like a wet chicken. Are you saying he's unwashed?

Clearly, if you are so concerned, you need to sit down and talk. And talk, not throw accusations that won't get you anywhere. Like someone mentioned, maybe she is suffering from postnatel depression and the last thing she will need is you shouting and accusing her of neglect, won't help your child in the long run either. Ask her if she would like you to have full custody? Ask her if she needs more support? With regards to her not contacting you when he's with you, I wouldn't read too much into that, maybe she just thinks that if something is wrong you will contact her. Might not seem the most caring approach, but if she's feeling down then it might be her way of dealing with how she feels, a temporary block out, so to speak.

can't agree more. now instead of having some what-ifs in her head she has +18yr of having to deal with a kid that she perhaps didn't want or didn't feel ready for.

(i still say this can happen to anyone of any age and doesn't matter that this girl is 25)

if i had split from my partner and was in a period where I had the kid then I think I might get a bit annoyed if the ex-partner (i.e. other parent) kept calling to ask how the child was to be honest, so I wouldn't read too much into that to be honest

actually I might have misunderstood and thought you had separated. On re-reading though maybe you are a couple but don't live together despite having a child together.

I acted on my believes, and I really don't think that asking a woman who's pregnant with my child not to have an abortion is in anyway immature. I came here for advice, and I’m really thankful with most of the replies. Except those comments that seem like a judgement. I love my son, I would do anything for him, and I am so glad I asked his mother not to have an abortion. I ASKED, I didn’t forced her not have one.

But have you talked to her about your concerns, and if so, what has she to say for herself?

Yes I have tried, but she doesn't listen to me. She brushes me off, and tells me that i am wrong. She has a new boyfriend, she has a good job, she's a Beamte, makes good money.

Can you talk to any of her friends/family about your concerns? Just so that you can have a real idea of what is going on as opposed to the superficial (i.e. her not calling, your son's rash etc).

All they tell me is that she loves him a lot, and I should stop worrying, and that kids get rashes...blablablabla bla I am my friend's keeper crap. Her friends are a mute point.

Well you have to do what you think is in the best interests of your little boy. Good luck and best wishes to you and the little fella.

Lends weight somewhat to the adage that it takes 2 to tango. I think you need a sit-down with yer ex-wan, clarify both perspectives, I mean it's a forum on the internet there's no way a balanced solution can be achieved that works out for your son his parents and presents all involved with a solution that catches all and ends all. But a problem shared and all that...a sit-down is best. You love your son and thats's commendable (I hate the way that sentence truncates into a truism on the innahyedh, but you have to get active before it gets too late). And you really don`t want to miss any more of your sons progression, it's nuts but from now until about forever, they're amazing. So have a chinwag with her, write stuff down point-by-point if you have to, that way you've a solid base from which to argue verbally, but make sure you're sure of every point, you know how finnicky some Germans can get. And may it all work out en serio for your wee patchwork family.

Is this mic on? Stop me wafflin?...

Many children are prone to rashes.. It could be as simple as eczema, sensitive skin, maybe he's having some crazy bowel movements and she's wiping his bottom all day (assuming the rash is in his genital area). Also considering the genital area, boys have more area to clean, maybe your ex is not sure how to clean her son's genitalia, so she's either not doing it enough, or doing it too much. Either way, it's nothing to be embarrassed about, she just need a little more information in that regard. My daughter is potty training - and the simple act of sitting on the furniture bare bottomed has given her a bit of a rash on her bum, she's always had sensitive skin so I'm not surprised. I would be devastated if someone assumed I wasn't taking care of her properly. And I guarantee all my friends and family would say "she loves that baby to death and blah blah blah." Perhaps you and your ex use different brands of toiletries and diapers - and all the switching back and forth between visits is the culprit. It could be the laundry soap...

But, whatever it is, you are rightfully concerned about your son's well being. Next time you pick him up, and the rash is present, take him directly to a pedi, md, or dermatologist for a clear diagnosis.

I would second the recommendation that you take him to a doctor and get him checked out. A good pedaetrician should be able to tell if the boy is suffering from neglect, and that could give you something to stand on if it comes to legal blows.

A question: Do you want full custody of him? Or do you just want to feel like your ex is taking better care of him?

Of course, I don't know all the circumstances in your particular case, but it is easy to judge the parent who does most of the caretaking. My ex occasionally bitches at me about certain things about our son's care, but he only has him 12 hours a week, I have him the other 156 hours, and even though my ex loves our son more than anything, I know he wouldn't want to deal with full custody. So I am just wondering what you after here, exactly.

Sorry the situation is so difficult, I know it is a tough one!

sorry maybe I was judgemental. I don't really see the problem though which is why I said just to carry on as you are now, as all I could see was someone complaining about an entirely predictable situation (i.e. my way of parenting is better than yours). If the kid has a rash that doesn't go away then go to the doctor. I should think the family circumstances he has been forced into will be more detrimental to him than a rash to be honest.

Sorry if I don't express it in a nice fluffy way - maybe I'm tired.

Here's what I think is odd


Your child is only 10 months old and she's already left him with you for stretches of up to 3 weeks? That's weird. And I would think a new mother would be on the phone daily to see how the child is doing. She may trust you completely, but her apparent lack of interest in the child does set off some alarm bells. Maybe she would be happy to have you take custody.

an ex ringing up daily (ie implying that you aren't handling it very well) would be pretty annoying though tbh. Different people act in different ways.

PND. Thundering Mad Clinically Imbalanced New Moms Are Go. First thing I thought, all the infos you've provided thusfar point clinically towards Post-Natal-Depression of some form or other. Yet again, sorry for the generalization, but it may be a deciding factor more than well worth looking into. And if you have me on ignore for bantering over mad Americans I will personally come up to Asshatburg and de-hat your ass

boomtown_rat, I agree with you, but three weeks? Plus the baby is only 10 months old. Maybe, just maybe three days, but not three weeks.

Yeah, it could be PND, but she could also be pulling a Britney (as in Spears).

I agree it's worth taking the baby to the doctor to get the rash checked out as you can use it as an opportunity to ask about his general health too.
Find out if the baby is up to date on his check ups, by now he should have had 4 or 5 of them and these will identify if there are any problems with growth and development. Best of all, go along to the next one together and raise your concerns there.

If the rash is in the nappy area then put some Panthenol on it and, when possible, fresh air.

I'm sure when you encouraged your son's mother to go ahead with the pregnancy you said you would help her take care of him so why are you surprised she is letting you do this? Her lack of contact when he is with you could be lack of interest or it could be that she trusts you with him. Perhaps as he gets older he would appreciate a phone call, so why not suggest a convenient time to phone, and you can do the same and phone him when he is with her.

I haven't got time to read all the replies but I'm sorry but I'm in the welcome to the realities of raising a child when not being full-time with the Mother - group. It is hard to get two parents who are together or married on the same page when it comes to raising children so expecting that it will be easy when you are not together is expecting a lot (imho).

I think those that have jumped on the document everything and look at getting custody should remember that the "Unfit" to be a mother may be more an opinion than a legal statement. I could show you 1,000s of people who are "unfit" to be a mother/father in my eyes but that would not be sufficient for a court to take the children away. And as soon as you go down the legal intervention route you may find the relationship between you and her deteriorate even more. So be careful that this route is really in the best interest of your child before taking it lightly.

I'm not trying to belittle your feelings since I have a brother who found himself fighting with his babies mother ethics for raising his son. But you will always play this role unless you decide you want to be the primary carer. If you truly believe that she is "unfit" then that is the only viable option - primary carer...

PS. Just wanted to add - should your x be just "unfit" in your eyes rather than legally and you wish not to taken on the primary carer role then your other sensible options is to provide as much input and support as you possible can. I respect my brother since he is a hands on absent father trying to teach his son the morals and manners that his Mothers forgets. He takes him to school everyday (well did) before he went to big skool where dads/mothers don't do such unkool stuff as taking their kids to school!!! (not in my neck of the woods anyhow).

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do...

I don't think anyone else has mentioned that it reflects badly on you that you would keep your son an extra week without letting his mother know. Not really thinking much about whether a 10-month-old or younger needs to see his mother, were you? He couldn't very well tell you if he was missing her.

I don't know about anyone else on this thread, but I, for one, don't remember anything from before I was 2.5 years old - not the big frying pan that fell on my leg and arm and scarred me - nothing. So, I don't think that at 10 months, BabyBoy is really aware that he is or isn't missing his mum.

even though you can't remember events as such it doesn't mean you are somehow affected by what happens in your life during the first 4 years (I guess)

Exactly...

EDIT: It does strike me as odd that the mother does not try to stay informed about how her 10-month-old son is doing when he is away from her for 3 weeks... I understand that depending on the present relationship between the parents, calling every day or every two days might be seen as intrusive and controlling. However, I do believe that a call per week is definitely appropriate and she is not doing that. In my book, not trying to have any contact in 3 weeks shows that the bond between mother and child is weak, and this cannot be good for the child. Bonding with the mother in the first year(s) of life is decisive in the building of a child´s personality and emotional/social competence...

Neglected children/babies and children/babies without adequate human interaction are effected for many years to come...slow learning...slow speech development etc. These factors willnot be remembered as memories but they will and can still effect a child early development.

Not linking it to this case just responding to the above posts...

it may sound harsh but, basically, so what? Going through with having the child when he knew the circumstances weren't optimal is a decision that A-boy has consciously taken (and one would hope given thought to) so I don't see the grounds for complaint really. If there is blame to be apportioned it is just as much on him as her


my post should read 'doesn't mean you aren't somehow affected' of course

Where did you see I was complaining or blaming? I was merely stating that a weak bond between mother and infant is not good for the child.

sorry I didn't mean you I meant the original poster

Well guys...I have to say that things are going great, my little boy's mom has changed so much, I am really proud of her. We have turned out to be really good friends. I took the advice that a lot of you TTners gave me. She came over a few months back and asked me if I really thought she was a bad mom, and I told her that I just wish she would do better, and that if she did not feel ready for the baby, that I could keep him till she was. After that day, she was on a mission to be a better mom. We do a lot of things 2gether with the baby, well he is 1 year and 2 months old, (is he still a baby?) and we always talk to eachother about every decision that affects him. Just wanted to say thanks, and let you know how things have turned out.

thats wonderful to hear, well done for sticking it out and thanks for updating us all!