Advice on how to deal with an alleged stalker

Hi,

I am a young woman who is being stalked by someone I know. I met this guy thee months ago and we have been hanging out together. We have not had any physical thing between us, I mean nothing sexual. Things started going weird as he invited himself to a party I have been invited to for New Years Eve. He had no invitation to that place and knew no one there. I felt sort of weird that he sort of tagged himself along. My gut feeling told me to tell him that it was not possible to come along, hence I found him inviting himself out of the blue to be utterly strange. So during January, we did not hang out like we used to cause I thought he might try to invite himself to places I am going. Plus he had this attitude after New Years, he questioned me on what happened on New Years and he wanted to hear details. Wtf? So I met him again on a Sunday for early dinner and that day my xboyfriend flew out to see me. I told him that I my xboyfriend is here and I am going to meet with my xboyfriend. He got pissy. I mean I split up with boyfriend cause the distance was killing and not because of any major issues. So the guy he offered to take me home, and then when we were in front of my building, he looked up to see if there were any lights in my apartment. He was checking to see if anyone (my xboyfriend) was in my apartment. Obsessive. Wtf? So they guy invited me to some party last night in Berlin and I told him I can't come. Last night and this morning I had someone calling my home phone, he/she would not say anything, just was listening without saying anything and this morning on mobile but I saw his freaking number. He called me two times and said nothing, I could hear everything else in the background. I told him I was heading to work early thing morning and I gave this as one of the reasons why I did not head out to that party last night. He was checking to see if I was lying to him. Wtf?

oh man, been there, its not fun. Is the 'stalker' german? That can explain somethings, I do find german men alot more possessive (not that other men cannot be, and not all german men are).

Its obvious that the man has deeper feelings for you, and the thought of you seeing someone else or having a life upsets him. I would try to talk to this man, and you have to cut ties with him, as it will only get worse.

Now, I don't think there is any stalking laws in Germany, but I would maybe contact the police and ask them what is your best options.

Be clear about whether or not you want to keep seeing him. If you do not want to see him, say so directly and quit meeting him for any reason. If you would like to keep seeing him, though you will probably have to accept this part of his personality, be clear and honest about how he is acting.

Tell him to fcuk off and stop bothering you.

If he is German, please feel free to use my effective SMS as described in this thread. You have my sympathies, it isn't great and I've had it happen more than once, ick. Make a note of all contact and consider getting caller ID. You do have to draw the line in the sand though, be clear that the contact is not wanted, not reciprocated and too much.
Good luck.

OK, time to be brutally honest with him. If he's freaking you out, tell him to stop calling you and cut off contact. It sounds like you may be in the same social circles (if you were both invited to the same party). He is obviously interested in you so you need to just tell him that you are not interested in him in that way. At this point, I wouldn't even want to be friends with him. But, if you don't say anything, you are just telling him that it is OK to be treated this way.

Why do you feel that you need to justify your actions to him? If you don't want to have anything to do with him just break all contact. I'm not saying he'll stop calling right away, but at least as a first step refuse to be drawn into explanations and justifications. Good luck!

I've had similar recently and it is not nice. I didn't tell the bloke directly to f*** off though some people said I should.
I just became very non-committal about where I was going to be, told all myfriends not to tell him if they knew I was going to bar X or party Y.
If I was at a place where he was likely to be I had a chaperone and although I made polite brief conversation I didn't get into a one to one discussion or discuss "us" or let him separate me from my friends.

Things now are fairly back to normal.

But I don't think it is possible to stay friends.

I have experience with this but unfortunately no advice, it sounds like you are in the beginning stages of something that could become more serious if you don't nip it in the bud.

I was stalked in a similar manner for two years, I changed all my telephone numbers (home, cell and work) and even moved once within the city, he always found me. He never became violent but would call and listen between 2 and 10 times everyday without exception. Occasionally I or my friends would see him lurking near the entrance of my apartment or office building. The police couldn't do anything, the only thing I could do was leave pictures of him with security at my apartment and office building so that they wouldn't let him in and also told anyone who would listen about him and showed them pictures in case anything happened to me they'd know where to look.

The only reason it stopped was because I moved to Germany and I wouldn't be entirely surprised if he found me here. In fact he threatened me once with "no matter where in the world you are, I will find you". Stalking is not about feelings, he may profess his love to you but it's nothing more than posession. He will use this method to terrorize you and to make sure he has a prominent place in your life. The actions may sound fairly harmless but you will live in constant fear of when he decides to take it to the next step.

a few years ago I had a really, really bad mobile phone (motorola timeport... i will never, never, never buy another motorola phone in my life but anyway). this frick'n phone had a really bad key lock, and it would un-lock itself, then start dialing people without me knowing. sadly, it seemed to really like the people I had on speed dial, and generally the same people got to hear me: sitting on the train, walking down the street, sitting in a bar, etc. It was like a reverse stalking, now that I think of it... Anyway, there is a (very vary small) chance that the case with this guy and the phone calls might be similar.

but yea, anyone who invites themself to a NYE party is not deserving of your attention.

Kick him in the nuts and tell him to leave you alone.

So some guy likes you a lot , some guy you don't like very much and he's a stalker ? Let's see your evidence here:

1. He invited himself to a party you were at - uh ok - I gatecrashed tons of parties when I was a student.
2. He asked you about your New Years.
3. You say you went to dinner with the guy on Sunday but you don't "hang out" ? Uh hello.
4. He walks you home one night and takes a look up. You're the one doing all the implying by imagining his thoughts.
5. He calls you on your phone. Couple times.

Conclusion - get over yourself - stalking is following you around , tailing you , serious shit , not deluded puppy love for a fortnight. I'll bet dollars to donuts one day you'll wish some more dudes would stalk you like homeboy here.

I have to leave for an exam in 10 mins so i will join in this when i return.

I don’t know the exact situation but calling someone a stalker on a public forum after 12 days WTF?


EDIT: what Parnell said

My last one would have liked that, Lassie. After the calls asking me out, he then took to calling me up as asking if I would like a house slave as he would do any domestic chores I would like and if he wasn't up to stratch, I could sort him out.
Thankfully he called once and my then boyfriend was there, doing the dishes in fact, so the vacancy was filled. He wasn't pleased but hey, that's life.
Now he still rings but less often. I don't miss the calls.

its 3 months! Not 12 days.

no accounting for taste i suppose.

she can still give it ago. if it doesn't work then ignore him, he'll get bored and move onto someone else.

But it only got "weird" in the last 12 days...

no Carm 12 days. If i read this correct then shes known him for 3 months and looks like shes been pissing him about for 12 days since NYE.

You guys are right, there's a big difference between a guy who just doesn't take the hint and a stalker. A couple phone calls here and there doesn't make a guy a stalker but you also have to be aware that this is only the beginning and the behaviour can get much worse.

People who have never experienced actual stalking have the GROSS misconception that this kind of behaviour is somehow flattering. It's not. It's absolutely terrifying. You live in constant fear of every man walking behind you, of every strange noise in your apartment and in my case of every man who is of the same ethnic origin as your stalker.

Hope you mean as in him wanting to be a domestic slave rather than my domestic slave.
Anyway, kicking people generally involves meeting them in person, she's better off calling or texting to say leave me alone and leaving physical contact for later.
Maybe he isn't a stalker, but it is a level of contact with which she isn't comfortable. Save the guy some time and effort and make it clear you are not interested.

why is it her pissing him about?

Sorry, but, yes, they know each other 3 months, since HE invited himself to her private party NYE, she was tried to cut contact, and he is not being honest with the contact- heck, he calls but doesn't speak! That is stalking.

Since 30.Nov.2006 stalking is a crime by law in Germany: http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking

You may want to contact the police.

I don't think the guy has quite reached the stalker stakes yet. You've knew him for 3 months before you decided this so he must have been ok then. I think you should tell the guy you know longer want to be his friend and then if he doesn't leave you alone that is the time to worry about him becoming a stalker. At the moment he just comes across a guy that likes you and maybe wants to see where he stands.

Don't want to split hairs but it appears - if I'm reading her first post correctly - that he tagged along to the NYE party in question and that she wasn't the one giving the party.

What a bunch of shit , even I , an ugly POS if there ever was one had a few girls calling me at inopportune times , one who flew from Italy to hang out with me , poor , sight impaired creature that she was. Big fucking deal. Stalking isnt a couple of calls here and there , it's a couple hundred calls over an extended period .

Jesus ... Why not put a contract out on the Fükker Just a little OTT.

Tell him you're seeing someone now and don't want him hanging around.

I had one for a while, she was German, she would trawl round the ex pat pubs until she found me. I was delighted to find the Arc, as it seemed she did not know it. She turned up there out of the blue about 2 months after I thought I had seen the last of her

I found that just treating her like absolute shit, sort of did the trick, and even if she still would not take the hint, me and the lads used to get a right laugh out of it...

Last I heard she was moving to Dublin, I pity the poor Irish lad she ends up with!

Sounds like this bloke is a bit obsessive, hardly a stalker. Still, you should have a word with him, or get a big bloke to have a word with him if that doesn't work.

My thoughts exactly.

He is just pining that you are rejecting him. Happens a lot here.

Send him to an opthamologist. Tell him it's an emergency.

I have a good friend here in Munich , she's tall slim , attractive and intelligent , fucking rarity I know. Anyway she gets her fair share of unwanted male attention , she just tells me it's "a bit shit" occassionally and that's it - water under the bridge - no fucking drama. If only others were like her maybe they wouldnt be so far up their own arses and could breathe more easily.

I agree that it is not (yet?) stalking, just seems he is quite infatuated with you and thinks he may be in with a chance of being your boyfriend. the sensible thing to do is clearly tell him you are not interested in him romatically, have you directly told him this yet? then see if he backs off.

had a case of some unwanted attention from a not very well known acquaintance recently, he even cornered my boyfriend at a party to shit-stir a bit (basically he fabricated a story that 'he could have had me if he wanted type thing) sorted it out with a very rude direct email, that he subsequently replied to twice, which I have never responded to. he now seems to have backed off.

I always find the best way to deal with 'silent phone calls' is to leave the phone off the hook when they call, maybe next to the radio, it's their phone bill and they'll get bored eventually & hang up.

Tell him right off your not interested. He sounds stalker to me and I usually give the benefit off the doubt. I had a samilar situation a few years back. I thought it was cool at first but then weird things started to happen, but I thought its just me. Random phone calls, asking for detailed info on what my plans for weekend, then I noticed she was at bars that I hung out and she did not even drink. What really set me off was that she was accusing me of dating friends that I hung out with and they were friends I had for years like my best friend for 10 years. Then a few days later I logged into my email account from an internet cafe and my inbox said "Hello C***y", She had broken into my email account! After that told never to call me or even be in the same area that I am.

So in a short version tell em to fuck off.

Tell him exactly what you think.do not make the mistake of saying you still want to be friends because that could possibly lead him in to a false hope situation.Failing that get yourself somethin like peper spray just in case it ever does get nasty

Or keep a whistle next to the phone and blow it really loud into the phone next time he calls (make sure you know it's him first). If he's persistent he'll catch on quick but you'll get a little satisfaction out of it.

Your name is "Cunty" ? seriously I just feel sorry for every girl who ever fancied me. Maybe I just haven't been stalked intensively enough. yet.

TBH if this is classed as stalking I've got 3 at the moment. One guy who I'd gone out with a drink ONCE has been texting and calling for the last 3 months, even turned up on my door (don't know how he knew where I lived) with a bunch of flowers (cheapskate never used interflora), just told him if he did it again they'd be growing out his backside. He still texts "speak to me please" etc. Rings at least once every other day, withholding his number so I answer. I just see him as a deluded fruitloop but not a stalker. If he starts turning up places where I am or hanging about outside my house then I'll start worrying, but for the moment he's just a pest.

That's the Welsh in general for ya eh!

It sounds to me as if she hasn't even tried to be honest with him so far. She can hardly call it stalking until she's made it clear to him that his attention is unwelcome.

Jebus, talk about going ape shit about ape shit!

So whatever most said about him not being a stalker, I agree. Plus you happily suppose what is in his mind and Then offer an explanation for your actions WTF?

Of the ladies who said here it is stalking, I mean you may have had experience with stalkers and it may have been bad for you, it may have started out like this and then turned to stalking, But at this stage in This case it is IMHO not stalking.

The guy is infatuated and the girl keeps offering explanations for her actions, he could suppose he has a chance?!

Sounds like a fair summary to me. Until she very, very, very clearly tells him what actions she is uncomfortable with and does not find acceptable it's a bit extreme to label him a stalker! If he persists long after she has done that, that's another matter.

@Carm, he is Spanish-British.
I have not led this guy on. From the start, when the topic started dating and sex etc, I have told him that I don't jump into things and I am now going out and meeting people and nothing else. I have told him the reason why I cannot attend the party cause I do that with other friends. Don't you tell your drinking buddies, hey I can't make it tonight because of this and that? And that's not because you are interested in your drinking buddies in another way. I have known him for three months. Btw I did not let him tag along to the private NYEs party and he started acting strange after that. He also told me of a guy whom he knew who gets agressive with himself and to the girls with the girls do not end up dating him. I think the guy he is talking about is not someone whom he knows but himself!

Esti, switch to player mode. Screen your phone calls, and don't answer if you can't see who is calling. Don't take his calls. Don't respond to his emails or text messages. When he asks you if you got his message etc, tell him you are busy. Try avoiding his circle for a while and don't give him info on what you are doing especially on the weekends. He will eventually give up and leave you alone.

Esti - have you actually said to him "I have no interest in seeing you. Please leave me alone"?

Make it clear. If you're still meeting up with him that is not clear, it says there is some form of interest...and he is interpreting it as a chance...

I'm not suggesting you should be harsh, just don't leave anything open to interpretation...

Sorry Esti, but how in the world do you expect anyone - let alone a smitten kitten - to think 'I don't want to jump into things' and 'I am not interested in any romantic involvement with you and find your behaviour inappropriate' mean the same thing...

Or try harder until he gets a reaction. He wants your attention, make sure its the wrong kind and involves police and a restraining order if things get that bad.

No, I didn't DMcinDE, we were hanging out like regular friends until late December. He started acting weird after I didn't take him to NYEs. I mean I liked him as a friend but his attitude at this moment in time makes me feel uncomfortable, and he is being too nosy and is trying get into my business.

I am sorry, but some women here seem to be applying their own scary stories or scary stories they have heard to this situation, sorry if you girls have had a bad time but in my book, even mentioning police etc etc is totally out of proportion with the situation.

"I have told him I do not want to jump into anything now" and other sentences you have said doesnt convince me that you have made it clear to the guy.

On his part it is i think right now two things
A huge crush
Hope

if it gets worse disregard all i said and if he comes too close shoot him, you can borrow me 9mm for that!

ok but that is very far from a stalker as you have labelled him , which is an offence and one he does not yet fit. You have slandered this person , not here to represent himself. Shame on you.

He is here on TT, but he is not saying anything cause he knows it's wrong.

Arshoo, all I was trying to do by sharing my story was to show how far things can progress. My story started the exact same way as this posters and I think a warning to be careful is in order.

I do agree that contacting police is out of line at this stage and that this may well be nothing to be concerned about but still a bit of caution isn't misplaced.