British football gossip

Just when I was enjoying dissecting your national side's problems you have to get me involved with something I actually care about.

I just got back. Saw the Andorra match in The English Football Pub in Milan. Dodged a barking mad transexual demo in the middle of the street on the way back to a hotel room you could touch all four walls with at the same time, and couldn't get to sleep because of the couple shagging themselves into a screaming stupor in the next room. Eventually drifted off to sleep counting strangled McLarens under the boom of the new Wembley, resplendent with the executive of The FA hanging from the girders by piano wire.

What can I say? Eleven great players. No fuckin' team.

Erm.. didn't England win?

A 3:0 win against a team like Andorra is the least one would expect. However, it is the way we won that is worrying. Sin summed it up perfectly in his last sentence

McClaren is not a Football manager, he is a Geometry teacher, he now has some of England's finest talent doing nothing more than launching long crosses from just inside the opponents half at a PERFECT 45 degree angle towards the penalty spot!
Now correct me if I am wrong, and anyone who knows me, knows that is not very often, even average Centre Halves eat those for breakfast all day long.
Most of the ones I played with did and the Israelli and Andorans certainly did.
The last England manager who used those tactics, was officially a Swede, the one before that got labelled a Turnip and failed to qualify.
So I guess it's time for Mr Beetroot (Face colour is getting a better match by the day) to book his 2008 summer holidays, because the only way he will be in Austria or Switzerland is if he goes Glacier Skiing or Mountain biking!

Agreed Yorkie. McLaren is not The One, is he?

So who? My preference is Coppell. Mainly because he has built a TEAM with little money and zero stars. If we have to drop Fat Frankie is favour of Jimmy Bullard (as an example... and when he's fit), let's do it. Let's bring in players who can perform as a single unit, rather than as a bunch of overpaid celebrities. Look at Greece 2004. Who the fuck were they? I can't remember a single player. I can only remember a TEAM. You're right about the tactics. We were playing fuckin' Andorra for fuck's sake. The number of goals is irrelevant. It is the way those goals come that is important, because if you don't score goals, you ain't gonna win nothing. If we don't create chances against mighty Andorra, what's it going to be like against Argentina, Italy, Brazil or Germany? Andorra are ranked 163, we are 6, Israel are 38. In English league terms England sit at the position that Everton currently hold. Israel are Burnley. Andorra... wait for it... are outside the 160 clubs in The FA. They are lower than Lancaster City and Bedford Town (equal ranked 159th). That is how bad the situation is. Andorra were bloody awful. OK, the referee was probably ranked 163 in the world as well to fail to pick up on the shit going on on the field, but let's face it, if Cristiano Ronaldo had picked up the ball on the halfway line and run at Andorra's ten-man defence, Portugal would be looking at a free-kick set piece at a rate of 2 per minute. The other thing that baffles me is Wayne Rooney. The boy wears a red shirt and rips Ben Haim apart. The boy wears a white shirt and Ben Haim can eat him for breakfast. What's the deal there then?

This is one thing which I wont agree at all. The criticism of Wayne Rooney is way over the top. The main reason for Rooney not performing is the way England play. Have you EVER seen Man U launch long balls at Rooney minute after minute, which he has to collect with his back to the goal. Rooneys main assets are speed and strength which England never use. There were hardly any through balls, hardly any good build up play. Whenever the England players dont know who to pass they just lob the ball towards the goal hoping that someone would score. And then blame Rooney for not getting the goals.

I'm not blaming Rooney. I'm blaming the way McLaren uses him and the way the tactics don't support him.

It's not just Rooney that you have that problem with, but also Gerrard. When he is stuck wide right it cuts his effectiveness down so much.

I honestly believe that there is not a team out there who betters England, on paper, and that's coming from a Scot. McLaren is not, and was never 'the' man for the job, just the only guy who said yes! He is a piss poor manager who is so tactically naive it's unreal.

It's something that the F.A. need to sort out ASAP or they are going to let a selection of players with the potential to do a lot of damage on the international scene slip away.

Quite shit really because players of that quality deserve some success.

why not blame rooney? gotta be accountable he's been arguably p1sh for england 90%of time..
2 good games in his career v the kathy burkes and the croats in euro 2006.
p1sh.
does his toys at every given opportunity and couldnt hit a barn door with a banjo under pressure.

p1sh. as most of 'em are apart from john terry and steve g. only two good team players we have.

Get the net out!!

And lennon, don't forget little Aaron.

lennon, oh yes.

miss from 7 yds in last minute of extra time v portugal in wc qf.
pointless.

shot about as hard as john lennons cock after 2 bags of grass and some h with yoko.

Maybe we should be looking towards a Welsh manager... Vinnie Jones.

"Oi! Slag! You lose and I'll break your 'ead!"

Works for me.

Seriously, I agree with JOB. It is so fuckin' frustrating watchin' yer national side with so much passion when they are so wasted. They looked beaten when they walked out of the tunnel against Andorra before the fuckin' kick-off. Fat Frankie sat all glum in the stands nursing a nasty masturbation injury, and McLaren looked like a rabbit caught in the beam of a car's headlights paying more attention to PR strategy than to footie strategy. I swear that every time you could see El Tel he was mouthin', Oh! Fuckin' 'ell!. It's not good enough. Yesterday morning in Milan I talked to my AC Milano potty distributor about Italy winning the world cup. He said it was because Lippi chose players that could play as a team, and not as individuals. OK, Stevie G had to go practically individual to win the match against Andorra for us, but it should have been a bloody stroll, not a hard fought slog. We can all blame Rooney. But, let's face it, the boy has popped in a goal for England every third game. Given support he can bang them in all day. Given none he gets frustrated and collects cards. It ain't necessarily the players, it's the way they are played. Sure, it would be nice to have Micky Owen, Bridge and Joe Cole available, but if the manager of England ain't got the nounce to get them to play as a team, he might as well be picking Bullard, Lescott, Sidwell and Kitson for all it's worth. You see Fat Frankie playing for Chelsea week in, week out. You see Lennon belting up the wing for Spurs and causing left backs all kinds of problems. You see Downing servicing Yakubu and Viduka at Migglesbrough every week picking up assist after assist. You see Andy Johnson scoring 12 times in 30 games for Everton. Why does McLaren seem to tie their fuckin' bootlaces together as soon as they don an England shirt? Go watch Germany play. Who have they got really? Nobody. The best Name they can come up with is a muppet called Ballack. Yet they create chance after chance, they convert, and they defend. The German system means that one component is easily replaced. I'm sure if they had a Saturday game and you broke all eleven players legs on the 90 minute mark, they'd still be able to field an equivalent team on the following Wednesday night. Why? Because they are a TEAM. England ain't.

agreed. but forgive me i feel you are in danger of over inflating the p1sh standard of certain english players in our gloriously overrated premiership.

obviously it is clear that you are a man u fan from your comments.

oh and another thing isnt it quaint how ronaldo got toys rooney sent off in the most important match thicko scouse will ever play..and how ''more bells'' ferguson got them to kiss and make up.

ronaldo really takin the p1ss out of everyone here. anyway he will be in spain next year.

Easy. Because Ferguson is a REAL manager. No matter how much you hate United, look at his record: Prevents Giggs going the way of Best. Turns Cantona into gold. Gets two players who hate each other to produce a Premiership winning partnership. Not fuckin' bad. That's what REAL managers do. McLaren will never be one. Fergie is such a good footballer himself, he can even take a kick at an old boot and aim it perfectly to dip behind the defence and slice Beckham's eyebrow open. You have to give the man credit for that alone.

cantona was already gold at leeds under howard wilkinson and won leeds the title when the mancs bottled it again in 92.

ginger sven has to go b4 he bores everyone to death.

he reached his limit as no2 (and drinks pourer) to the purple nosed REAL mgr at old trafford.

more bells alex?
just a double steve,now feck off and do some laps with the youth team.

We need a foreign manager. Shouldn't have fucked it up with Scolari acting as though the England job is the most prized in the world and you should be grateful we are offering it to you big Phil. English players are generally speaking shite and made to look good by all the foreigners they play with every week. Put the thick cunts altogether in one team and you get what is to be expected really.

I'm sorry, but that is just absurd.

On his rizla paper perhaps.

I think you will find he did not the press did that for him.

anyway at least england will win the cricket today v ireland.

He may well have been gold at Leeds but, while we're on precious metal analogies, Ferguson made him platinum. There is no way you can not agree that Sir Awex got the best out of Cantona.

Yes the EPL is over hyped to within in an inch of its mere existence, but there is no chance that the majority of the players in the England squad are not among the best in the world.

Another tripple Bells Sir?

Yes please and add a large dash of brandy to that aswell, that`s a good lad.

Fcuk off Fergie.

Deceptive stat, that, because Fathead hasn't scored in a competitive international since Euro 2004.

But, The guy just is a class act though!!

That was a convenient excuse for the FA after their insistence that he commit to accepting the job before the World Cup - at a time when he still had serious responsibilities with Portugal - led to him saying "f#ck off."

So the press keep telling me. All I see is a spoilt chav trying his best to get sent off.

But when you've got his talent you're going to get frustrated!!

Guy's a star!

I really think Sir Alex would be the man for the England job!!!

You're doing a grand job as a WUM mate, keep it up.

Ah well, it was fun while it lasted...Mon the Scotland

fact remains rooney's allegedly nailed more toxteth whores than he's scored england goals in last 3 years.

more bells alex.
dash of water with it pls ginge.

True, and this is what I'm saying by there being no TEAM. Rooney scores 11 goals in his first 18 England games, 0.61 goals per game, then scores only 1 in the last 9, 0.11 goals per game. It's going backwards. At this rate he won't score any in the next 18. That ain't what a striker is all about. At Everton and then United his scoring rate has been 0.47, 0.32, 0.50, 0.44, 0.37. How come he's only at 0.11 for the last 9 England games??? Every stat tells a story, and these are shouting the bleedin' obvious. He ain't getting any service, and it is frustrating the fuck out of him. Let's get a good benchmark: Michael Owen. His professional career has produced a strike rate of 0.9, 0.55, 0.51, 0.59 (at Real Madrid), 0.92 (in 13 games for The Toon) and then suddenly he drops to 0.31 (all England games). This proves that it isn't just Rooney, and it wasn't just McLaren. Something went wrong with the tactics. When he's fit, Owen should be a regular goal scorer every other game for England. If he was fit for Israel, or Andorra, could you really see him getting a goal? I couldn't. Any England manager has to lay down a tactic and the positions required. Then he has to pick the best players available for those tactical positions. You can't go playing a pacey right winger on the left, and you can't play a central defender at left back... unless you're a pub side. This is England, for fuck's sake. Best player for the position. I watch the games carefully. I can see players getting frozen out of the game. I can see the unintelligent balls lobbed in, hoping for a connection. I can see players making no space for themselves and getting in each other's way. I can see the frustration. I can see the despondency. Why can't McLaren?

Right! Me an' me old man have come up with a 3-point plan to save England.

1. Do what the top club managers do. They play A TEAM. When a player feels that he is bigger than The TEAM, unload him sharpish (eg. van Nistlerooy, Beckham and Keano at United). Plenty more willing fish in The English Sea.

2. Play a formation and pick the best players for each position, irrespective of who gets to sit on the bench. If you had the world's best three goalkeepers in the squad, you wouldn't field all three of them in a starting line-up. So why field three right wingers (as an example). There may well be the odd player who is, eg. the best central defender and the best right back in the world, so you'll be lucky. But these kind of players don't come up often.

3. Radical change of The Football League. Premiership is 32 clubs playing 31 Premiership games each per season the same way the 6-Nations is run; play home one year and away the next. 4 teams get relegated and replaced from the new Championship. Advantages? More Premiership teams (20-32), more Premiership games (760-992), less pressure on the players with less games for them to play (38-31), more fans involved at the top flight and more pick of the crop for England players.

Wrong, wrong and wrong again!
Cantona did not win the title for Leeds in 92!
Cantona did not score a winning goal for Leeds that year, FACT!
Leeds lost more games when Cantona played then when he didn't, FACT!

Work it for yourself now!

Cantona was quality, that cannot be denied, but stop continuing this popular misconception please.

Article in The Times this morning arguing that Crouch is the man for the current job - since so many balls come into the area in the stratosphere we need somebody who can head the ball - and Rooney can't.

Sorry Jimbo I can't agree,
as much as Crouch sometimes does a good job, just ask the Arse, the problem is exactly as you describe, too many long balls in the stratosphere, the tactic needs to change, not the target!
Plus, foreign referees do not understand that Crouch does not need to push and shove to win headers, they don't get it, so they penalise him because they think he has an unfair advantage.

I agree with you Yorkie - just saying what the Times has said. If we really are going to stick with Football a la Arsenal of the early 90's, I think it's a fair point though. And I don't like Rooney - cocky little fuckwit that he is.

Hi Jimbo,
nice finish to the last post, as talented as he is, I think you sum him up nicely!

Actually, I would add "brainless thug" into that description of Rooney somewhere

yorkie your words not mine.

i said he was already gold at leeds and won them title in 92 when the mancs bottled it again.
(although it should maybe read... helped them win the title..as his role was more of a cameo sub role)

fact.
more bells alex. cheers.

Comment of the night has, once again, got to go to Sir Alex Ferguson. On the sending off of Paul "The Thug" Scholes - "Paul likes to tackle. Unfortunately in Europe, it's not acceptable."

No no Alex... Paul likes to TRY to tackle but he can't... He just fouls. Badly. He deserves every card he gets because he just is unable to work out that one footballing basic.

Spot on. There's no way he can have any complaints about that red card, and he knew it when he was sent off.

seems the cockney reds took a battering off the rome busies.

was there with england in 97 in that stadium.
same rules apply.

the locals seem to think throwing bottles of piss and hiding behind glass barricades is fun.
3rd world.

After what happened to the Migglesbrough fans in Rome, and now the United fans, maybe the Manchester Police should bludgeon a few hundred travelling Roma fans as a warning to the Rome Police that we can play the same game.

yes they should imagine they are poll tax protestors and treat them accordingly.

that from JOB, who immediately goes on to proclaim - "and this coming from a Scot.."

when are people going to realize that being from a place where your opinion is in the minority doesn't mean you are correct?

Not that I don't agree with him.


ummm...Sin, hasn't McClaren been decididing on the tactics long before he was the 'manager'?

Also, it would behoove you to know how to spell McClown's name correctly. Steve McLaren is a hockey player, Steve McClaren is your idiot manager.

I wasn't paying that much attention to the spelling of McCdoom's name, I admit it. I was concentrating far too hard on what the problem is... and I thunk I've got it. It's radical, it involves putting a few 'stars' on the bench and picking the best team (for the next international in June, hence the inclusions of Owen and Joe Cole). 3-2-3-2 formation (defenders-defending midfield-attacking midfield-attack): 1. Robinson - 2. Richards, 3. A Cole, 4. Terry - 5. Hargreaves, 6. Bridge - 7. Gerrard, 8. Lennon, 11. J Cole - 9. Crouch, 10. Owen. Bench: Foster, Ferdinand, Lampard, Rooney, Beckham, Carragher. I'm starting to believe that Beckham's inclusion in the squad might be a good idea. He's not going to be captain again, he's very unlikely to start a game, but he's going to be somewhat humbled, he's going to try harder if he gets an opportunity, and just him being on the bench, along with Rooney and Lampard, should put an extra psychological edge over an opposition. The formation allows for a lot of width, Crouch to knock 'em down, Owen and Gerrard to bang 'em in.

Oh Sin. Great back pass from Ferdinand yesterday by the way...