Funny things that children say

My 2 year old is going through this phase where she constantly says "Alle beide." It doesn't matter what the context really, anything that comes in pairs she'll point out that it's "Alle beide."

So we were walking back from the babysitter's today and on the way we saw this woman (rather homely, might I add) walking towards us with her dog. When they were directly in front of us, I turned to Olivia and said, "Oh, look, Olivia! There's a dog." And Olivia turned around and smiled and said, "JA. Alle beide." It was the cleverest thing I've heard all day. Something tells me she's going to grow up and be just like her mother. or rather .

Edit: Sorry, I know the title's stupid, but I couldn't think of what else to call it.

My son was about 2; he saw this huge black and white Great Dane and said in utter conviction, "Cow!".

when oscar was three. in the zoo. sees polar bear and says... look maus!

nice. When my brother was 3 he saw a bull mounting a cow and was like, "LOOK!! Those cows are fighting!!"

He obviously wasn't part of the 4H cow tipping crew eh ?

When my eldest was three she would often say to me, 'if you say so mummy' in that voice that says just because you're my mum does not mean you know better.

Must have been a couple of months ago when me and me boy were travellin' into town on the U6. This old lady was tryin' to befriend me boy with the 'coochie-coos'. He first said, "Du bis alt" to her, and when she answered, "Ja, ja" he then said, "Und du bis blöd". Gotta love the boy.

My 6 year old daughter recently asked her mother if you needed a man to have a baby. When informed that a man might be essential, her next question was whether you had to hang on to him afterwards. Reasssured by her mother's response that it wasn't necessary to retain the man she said she would get rid of him straight away afterwards.

So I can now compress all my prepared "concerned father in the living room talking to daughter's new boyfriend" speeches into one sentence.

"Son, don't bother getting used to it"

It's not only what they say . . . .

My son grew up bi-lingual, but he began learning his numbers in German. On a train ride between Boston and Baltimore he kept wanting to know "What comes after...?" Such an innocent four year old he was asking in in a very loud voice,"Mama, what comes after sechs?"

When he was five and I asked if he would like some dessert he answered," Yes, please...but could I have something that isn't bio-degradable?" I assume he was trying to avoid the impending applesauce!

I was taking the kids out the other day and we were on the s bahn and a rather big build policeman got on the train and sat by us...the five year old was messing about and i kept telling him that he better sit down and behave or the policeman would tell him off...so he turned round and said "thats not a policeman ive seen loads of policemen but ive never seen a fat one before so he cant be a policemen cos policemen have to run far and fat people cant run" well i almost died luckily the policeman saw the funny side but i didnt know where to look.

@northernstar
Where do you think he learned that fat people can't run and that fat people can't be policemen?

From life?

Either their parents say stuff like that in front of them or they pick it up from other little kids whose parents have said stuff like that in front of them.

My middle son (then, about three) came into the kitchen one morning when we had my very conservative parents visiting, looked at them and said "fuck, fuck". Eyebrows were severley raised and the question was asked "what did he say?" Fuck was repeated and then the penny dropped, he was saying in German "Wach, wach"!

I was in a queue to use the toilet on a plane once. The woman infront of me had a small toddler with her. Eventually some guy comes out of the toilet and the kid says "mummy, that man must have done a really big poo"... you could hear the sniggers.

Whilst going to a football match in gorgi to watch hearts play with my friend and his 4 year old son,two police men on horses rode by whilst getting a torrent of abuse by fans.Suddenly without warning as they came up to us my friends young son looked straight up pointed and at the top of his voice shouted look dad black bastards on horses he was mortified i fell about laughing

On the topic of fat people...I never used the word 'fat' with my son. I have a struggle with my weight and did not want him to call other people fat.
Being bilingual he picked up the German word, and I did not know that until...
One afternoon a really big man walked into the Ikea restuarant...my son shouts out loud: ' Look Mommy that man is 'dick'
For once I wished I taught him the English word...then maybe the German man would not have understood.

Mrs Tom34

His mother is a large lady and im not super slim either so i doubt very much thats hes been bought up to be disrespectful of larger people...hes a kid kids pick things up from everywhere..tv, friends, books...but certainly not from us

To get our 4 year old son to sleep is a big struggle. He is in bed...but does not fall asleep, sometimes for hours.
So tonight I got into bed with him and told him to close his eyes and think of sheep...lots of fuzzy woolie sheep on green grass.
Then imagine then jumping over a fence ...one by one. Then they all gather and jump one by one again and again
This worked and I left him in his room alone.

About 15 min later he calls me...Mommy I cannot sleep they are now all shouting 'Ma-a-a--a-ah' at the same time.

My response:'Just SLEEP!!!'

Mrs Tom34

That's brilliant, thanks for the laugh!

My son, aged 4, in a restaurant having watched me and the wife walking naked around the bedroom with a little bit too much attention to detail...
"Mummy, why do men have willies and ladies have string?"

Our son is called Jacob...the Germans call him Jakob.
Yesterday he came to ask me why I told everybody about the song we always sing for him at home.
That is the 'Bruder Jakob' song.
Told me that wherever he goes people always know the song and sings it to him...'Mommy why did you tell them about our song?'
I had to explain the whole world knows the song...I did not tell anybody.
Poor boy

Mrs Tom34

Once my 3 year-old daughter and I had avery boring visitor who talked on for hours wouldn`t leave. In the end she told him, " you smell and you talk too much". He looked really upset, but I couldn`t hide my laughter. How embarassing.

My son, now 5, asked a couple years ago: What happens after we die? We answered, that we are like angels (to comfort him). He cried and said,' I don't want to be an angel and fly in circles endlessly.'

First Graders thoughts/writing about the ocean:

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

(Kelly,
age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.

(Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island.

If you don't have
ocean all round you, you are incontinent.

(Wayne, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more.

(Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.

(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs.

( Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean.

Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come.

My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans.

(William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids.

They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean.

My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write.

(Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.

Electric eels can
give you a shock.

They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.

(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small.

(Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water.

Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

(Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing.

She fell off when she was
going very fast.

She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass.

(Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish.

Why the fish don't drown I
don't know.

(Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.

What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.

(James, age 7)

quite amusing! Plus it shows what kids pick up on (words, sayings, etc.).

Love it!

Probably going to get merged with this topic: Kids say the darndest things

Mine's like a dictaphone. You really have to watch what you say, lest it be repeated at a less than inopportune moment.
"Daddy shoots Russians in the grass. But he's really good at it" is a tough one to get out of at Christmas dinner.

Wait until your kid(s) start surfing the net and find all your posts on tt.

The wee man came up with a couple of good ones recently

Volcan Suppe, volcano soup - for lava

I said to my dad "ok, I'll see you in march"

Alan pipes up "Dass ist die mummy von die Simpsons"

Bless him

We got into a hotel lift with two of the hotel cleaners recently on our holiday. One/or both of the cleaners didn't smell the best. My daughter, just turned two, shouted out "pooey nappy". My mother and I had a hard time trying not to laugh.

My six year old boy has grown up since birth with my best friend's six year old girl. They've been raised together, had every major milestone together - just inseparable. Like twins, really. Or so I thought... (*Name has been changed to protect the innocent.)

My boy Gabriel asked me a few days ago why Jessica*'s parents had different last names. So I explained to him, "Sometimes when people get married, the woman keeps her own name. When I got married to your daddy, I decided to take take his name, that's why we all have the same name."

Gabriel cames back with, "Well, when Jessica and I get married, she is FOR SURE taking my name!"

And as I was dying laughing, but trying desperately not to, I said, "So you and Jessica are getting married?" And he said, "Yeah, why not? Girls are all the same anyway."

I asked my six year old if she knew what daddy did for a living, she didn't know, so I asked her what his job was, she still didn't know so I asked once again so she would get the meaning of my question...where does daddy go to get money, her reply was 'the bank'. I suppose that is a good observation she's got the money out of the ATM herself at the bank. ( I was waiting for the correct answer of lawyer) It was funny at the time

I was hugging my 3 yr old son the other morning and, as mom's do, I grabbed his po-po and squeezed it (jokingly) when he turned around and said "Mama why are you feeling my ass?" The boy didn't speak English three months ago!

After watching Blue Peter on tv, i told my niece that we had to send our used stamps to blue peter who collected them for the

starving children in Africa ( of course to sell )

Her reply was why do they like eating stamps!

One kid in my class (German family) said over lunch in class the other day, "The man who made the atom bomb did it so they could blow Hitler up!" He's just turned 6 years old too. I, red-faced and almost choking on my lunch, quickly changed the subject.

What DO they talk about at home???

I had a shower at work after taking a bike ride there and I didn't use a hairdryer to dry my hair. My boss' 6-year-old girl asked me why my hair is wet and I told her I had a shower. She looked at me puzzled and asked, "Why is it raining?!" because the word "shower" means "rain" to her! She's German but speaks English with me. I know I shouldn't laugh but she always says "mif" to mean "with". Ah, she's a sweetie!

My son recently discovered the joys of listening to music by himself rather than enduring the choices of his parents. He and I were putting together a list of songs that he would like on a CD and after noting various preferences he said "Oh yeah, I want some songs by Bob Melon as well.".

The artist previously known as Robert Zimmerman.

My 8-year and 2-day old son has his first penpal via e-mail. In response to the first message I reminded him that he should thank the little boy for his mail first before asking his questions. He started typing before I had gotten over to help him.

The message went

hi R*

Thankq for your mail.

When I looked at it before I could say anything he yelled out "got it mom? thank "Q" sounds like thank you!" and changed it. I didn't even know he knew how to write in English much less make bad jokes.

R* has a really weird name, but I didn't think that was relevant.

They are astounding little beings. Emphasizes the fact that they are ours, but yet their own... 'My baby is growing up?'

Oh dear god...

Oh Jebus. Ditto that.

Can I change my log in name? PLEASE??

aww that is cute! very clever little one! He's only 8? When I saw him last time (late May/Early June) he didn't seem that young (and then he was 7!)

my mom told me that when i was little she was making me a hamburger and asked me if i wanted onions and mustard and pickels on it... I replied with "no mommy i'm a vegitarian!' (think i spelled that wrong but you know what i mean!)

My mum told me that when I was little we were walking down the street when someone in front of us threw some rubbish on the ground. I said to my mum, "look mum, that man is a little bugger"...

My 4 year old just asked me how caterpillar eggs get fertilized, so I am currently reading up on butterfly sex. fascinating!

This is what I get for buying tons of science books for kids... more questions.

On the U-Bahn this morning I overheard a kid (3 or 4yrs old) saying to his mother "du alte Hose"!! Definitely cheeky but alas this was followed by a slap around said kid's face