Extramarital affairs

Not trying to be controversial, it just seems so rife these days for people to be going out with married women/men and having affairs and other bad behaviour.

Are there ever any happy stories coming out of this?

I used to think Eastenders/Coronation Street were so far from reality they were difficult to watch, but sometimes I wonder in this day and age where only 1 out of 3 of marriages are successful (this might be a wrong statistic, but i don't believe it is far off the truth).

Just curious, and bored.

Bored too but the answer is the one you already know ! BTW well done for getting Graveson

Thanks, I can't wait to see him getting sent off against Rangers late in September

seriously though, i don't actually know the answer... it seems affairs are all about short term fun, don't know if i have heard of them going on long term, though obviously this isn't something people are keen to let others know?

edit: when i say going on long term, i mean into marriage etc.

One Wife or GF is expensive enough, why add to it with another on the side. Be faithful to one at a time, its much more rewarding. Than a quick 1 night thing..

Divorse = Expensive too... (At least it can be)

excuse me... girls are not expensive! what makes you think you need to spend money on them? they can spend their own money on themselves!

as for affairs... i know some guys who can't wait a short moment for their normal girl to return and will try to convince anything to jump into bed with them since they can't hack it a few weeks/months waiting...

I have had friends (of both sexes) that have had affairs... in most cases it cost them their marriages for what ever reasons. I believe that if someone is looking than 'they are not into the relationship they are in' (just finished reading a great book).
I have been hurt being the cheated on and the cheatee (word I just made up, but sounds cool). Both Sucked, and took a long time to trust people again.

ahh Carm... He's just not that into you... now is he?

no he wasn't.
but he did leave his wife too!

Not as "the other woman" they ain't according to mates

I'm groping in the dark here as a man that has never cheated but i do know that the eventual cost in terms of mental health and familial damage is considerable !

yes bluedave. the mental health and other costs yes. i meant that girls, as themselves, don't cost anything. the other expenses yeah, those are huge!

trust me, i'm not all for cheating. at all.

Sorry mere love it wasn't aimed at you

It was a general punch at anyone who does this and you gave me a chance to whine, sorry.

I know a woman who's been having a relationship with a married man for 10 years (I was so disappointed when she told me that). She was telling me all about it and sounded happy with the situation...that is, until she got to the end of it and said the words: "...I just wish he'd leave his wife, but I know he never will."

A friend of mine from school has been having an affair with a married man since she was 18 (now 39). The wife knew about the affair and accepted my friend as part of the family as she and her husband were 'staying together for the kids'. The thing that is very odd about it is that she is extremely successful in her career, very wealthy and independent. While he is a down-at-heal musician. After 21 years together they still live in different towns from each other and have no plans to 'settle down'

I guess you could call that a 'successful' affair though I alkways get a feeling they don't settle down because it is the 'affairness' they both like and the relationship would wither if she made an honest man of him.

I have a friend who married quite young and then had numerous affairs, let's call him John. His wife, Barbara, knew about some of them, and they were in counselling for years until John realized he just couldn't stop or didn't want to try very hard to. Barbara didn't want to accept that, so they divorced, which set off kind of a weird chain reaction.

A male friend, Shane, of John and Barbara's had always been an admirer of Barbara's, it turned out, but hadn't said anything because he was married, too. But once Barbara was divorced, he spoke up to see if she had any interest. I guess she did, because Shane divorced his wife, and now is married to Barbara.

John is re-married, too, which just goes to show that, well, I don't know what it goes to show, other than that John's new wife must be a very confident woman.

And I hope they all live happily ever after ...

Richard and Judy, now there's a success story

Well, if the bell the cats friend's story is a success... then I'll be steering well clear of affairs! It can happen that youre with the wrong person and only realise it when you meet someone else, but that's not what I see going on most of the time... it's serial cheaters, people going through the motions in a marriage they know they still just can't ever bring themselves to leave or people looking for the fresh-lust thrill that no long-term relationship can sustain always, people who use affairs to address problems in their relationship, or address their own emotional/psychological fucked-upness. All in all, I don't think success comes into play in what is invariably a sorry saga.

I'm familiar with quite a few people who are/were part of long-term affairs (10+ years) where all parties involved seem to be getting what they want. I've also seen people devastated by affairs. I guess much like all relationships some are successful, some are not.

So divorce rates in the UK are falling... wonder if that's due to more or less affairs then...? (or the price of divorce lawyers) http://news.sky.com/skynews/home

Isn't an extramarital affair a failure in itself?

yes, an extra marital affair is a sign that the marriage is not right, so a failure. But what becomes of the affair is not neccessarily a failure. Many good things have started such.

seems a lot of people aren't marrying these days, just co-habitating, or co-habitating then marrying if they get on well living together.

True, things can turn out for the best, so to speak, but there is that element of deceit in the "transitional phase" which is kind of hmm...

good point JW, I had an acquaintance who was the mistress, wife found out and they divorced, now she's married to the dude and they absolutely cannot trust one another, it's destroying their marriage in fact.

I reckon that's why I'm in the co-habiting camp... 10 years into it now and I still feel no inclination to marry.. I won't broadcast my success or failure either way, I'll just live it - - people will do what for works for them and the chips will fall where they will... I can't say what's right for anyone else.. not even always sure what is right for me!!

I don't think it makes any sense that apprehension about infidelity would be a reason not to marry.

I'm not against people living together and not marrying, but when it's so easy to just cut ties and leave without any lawyers involved, I'd think infidelity would be a greater risk than for married people. It's not as if people who are living together don't generally expect their partner to be faithful. In my experience, they do.

So don't get married because of the high failure rate of marriages or whatever, but not because you're afraid that if you marry, your spouse will cheat on you.

but not all affairs have that element of deceit. Most do but not all.

For example, is it still an affair if all parties involved are aware and consent?
is it still an affair if all parties don't officially consent but don't care?
is it still an affair if some of the parties aren't capable (say, psychologically) of consenting?
is it still an affair if there isn't a physical component?
is it still an affair if there is only a physical component (eg. prostitute)?

now that's an interesting aspect to bring up and question.

maybe those people who think they are so brave when they have an affair would like to comment on this thread? was it "succesful"?

i can only comment from the other side of the fence - he probably thought he was successful intitially by getting away with his affair, but ultimately it was a failure for both of us as we divorced.

No, then it is an open relationship.


no then it is an unofficial, open relationship


you mean like someone being in a comma or in prison or something?


yes, emotional intimacy can be much more powerful than sexual intimacy.


Well an affair means more than once, an on-going relationship. A prostitue is a one-night thing or if he's a regular to the same prostitute I suppose it constitutes an affair.

I would personally be understanding after a few years of marriage if my husband had sex on occasion with other women as long as:

1. I never heard about it. I wouldn't want to know

2. He protected himself by always using a condom and being very, very selective

3. there was no emotional ties or friendship

I once had a relation with a married woman. It was a very painful experience. She made it an obsession and even started to risk her marriage. She had 2 kids both around 5-6. I had to back off and there is no way i do it again.

In nature true monogamy is exceedingly rare. Only 3% of mammels are monogamous. When a species is monogamous, it mates for life the very first time. If humans were naturally monogamous then you would still be with the very first person you had sex with. Imagine that.

There would be no human history of polygamy, brothels, harems and there would be no such thing as divorce.

Sexual moral code in the West is a development of society predominately based today on Judeo-Christian laws. Outside of the West it is still the same, the moral sexual code was developed as a way of ensuring males (to the best of their ability) that the offspring they feed and water really "belongs" to them. Of course, men as a whole suffer under this system just like females do but it was not the females that invented harems, polygamous marriages (allowed for males only) or brothels. It's a method that males (as a collective) cheat the system they created.

The entire system is so complex and has so many repercussions that it's impossible to write a post that could cover the scope of it.

Suffice it to say that the very code that people now believe is there to ensure their happiness may be what is causing their unhappiness (dissatisfaction) to start with.

When you fall in love you become possessive, you don't want the person that loves you to love someone else and leave you so both demand and appreciate monogamy. But after a few years, maybe 10 years who knows..what happens?

Love is so multi-faceted and so different depending on the individual couple, who can say what is "right" or "wrong"?

This is why I say, I would "be understanding" but also "don't want to know" if my partner had sex with another women. Deep down I know it's nature but I am also, as a human being, more complex than that. Love opens up so many insecurities and fears and you have to deal with them, understanding that they come from you, not your partner.

I believe that all divorce should be "Fault Free". It's normal to make mistakes, to marry the wrong person. But marriage is still such a strangle-hold. Is this really necessary?

Again, there is no social equality in nature.

What do you mean by "social equality"? Are you refering to male/female, black/red/white equality? As in basic human rights?
Or are you referring to social monogamy vs. genetic monogamy?

I mean things like freedom of speech, voting rights, universal human rights, etc...

Well Sharpe, monkeys don't give speeches or march in protest. They don't have the brains and intelligence that we do. Except on the Planet of the Apes.

An unnamed scientist said, "We must remember, Humans have a big brain; we can decide all sorts of things. Just because there's biology does not mean we are destined to follow any particular biological route ."

Also, are you suggesting because animals don't establish ideals or civilization that humans shouldn't?

edit: this would get off topic anyway as we are talking specifically about sexual code.

They can protest or decline an order but they will be killed or banished.

This is exactly what i was trying to say, we dont need to follow species further down in the evolutionary route, however we as well did not complete our evolution with our small prefrontal lobs, big adrenal glands, belief in religions etc.. Human beings are biologically only partly rational.

totally agreed. Alles klar.

Sounds like a book I read years ago called "The evolution of Desire". Quite an interesting read, I wish I could remember more of it.

I don't know the book Amber but you can read The Decent of Woman for an evolutionary perspective of the subject.

Ooook, will I jump in here or not? Extramarital affairs, Any success stories? Hmmmmm. When it comes down to affairs then I have to say that at least short term you'll always often have a success story, always have someone that's soooo in love but also someone thats devestated. But that's short term!

From my own experience I can only say: The first time I was felt like the loser, it f***ed me up big time. This time it f***ed me up too... In the beginning. But now I'm starting to feel like the winner, I'm almost grateful to my wife for giving me the opportunity to experience life the way I am these days.

I'm having fun again, enjoying myself. Why? Because I had the right friends at the right time and one particular person (I hope the person I'm talking about knows who I mean) who helped me realise how great life can be, I just had one hell of a great weekend (I danced for the first time in years, admittedly like a plank, but I loved it).

So what am I trying to say: Extramarital affairs. Sometimes there are success stories, but the success is not always on the side of the cheaters. This time I'm the winner no matter what tommorow brings. I'm going to profit from this experience, long and short term!

Thanks! You know who I mean (well you don't, but I do and I hope she does too).

Jack I love your story!! Becasue its mine too..Although I wasn't married I was completely in YOUR shoes..and now after quite a long time, I have put my dancing shoes on...yes good friends are key..and amazingly enough I didn't lose any in the battle of the affair...Life goes on...if you allow it to..and yes it does open up all those doors of experiencing things on your own again as you would like...without any compromise...although I am not dating really and havent been since the big affair I can finally breathe in the air around me and enjoy life again...put all my energy into work and yes dancing...why not...salsa is a pretty good way to forget the past and just jive with the moment...dating will come later...but for now..tranquility, life...and enjoying it all again...I am so happy you reached that point too!! and you can guess I'm smiling as I write cause I'm rightthere with you!

Look back upon history, just feel it’s not really female/male things, but it’s more related to power--who have it and how much they have it--(the society is always more ‘man’ society, I mean ‘patriarchy’). There was a empress in old time of China, and she had lots of harem(male). And the same thing also happened to Russia empress too.


Quote: ‘An unnamed scientist said, "We must remember, Humans have a big brain; we can decide all sorts of things. Just because there's biology does not mean we are destined to follow any particular biological route ."’

I don’t mean I can not understand things/feeling could change after a long time. Becuase people keep changing and developing, if a couple change and develope in different direction or not at similar ’rate’ in their life, things might go wrong and ‘flaw’ occurs(and also, plus ‘biology’ factor), and the good things they appeciated each other at the first place fade. I understand some relationship would break up, like: divorce.

But since marriage exists(not inculde open marriage), to some extent, as a sexual moral code, it’s still, to me, not right to run into ‘affairs’. And if one party breaks the code(before finish the relationship), of coz, it's not wrong to put the party into the 'fault' one.

Many a marriage has been saved by an affair and a fling. Fact.

Just a fact for you girls. A very high proportion of males who visit a prostitute often just want to talk, or spend alot of time doing so about their problems. Kind of like you lot when you go to the hairdressers but with condoms and lingerie.

It's an interesting theory Gids. Technically therefore TT should be a great place to "get it off your chest" as a bloke, but I cannot help getting the feeling that it is also a place for people to "unload on your chest" instead.

But then what do I know out here in bumfucksville.

I don't buy it gideon. I don't condone prosititution as a means of getting "head support" for a spouse. I think that is a bunch of BS. Men have many outlets to choose from "to just talk," to someone other than their wife or girlfriend. They don't need to find the nearest hole and launch in...screw that...

Agreed.Me neither. But then again maybe Gideon needs some extra "head support" at times.

Well thats good cos I ain't selling it. It's a fact. A sad one but never, the less a fact.

Exactly. Gideon is a slag, so it's always free.

Oi. I expect at least a couple of beers first, I anit that loose.

Nice one Lisa...

Gideon: glad its not anything you believe in and just one of those sad little facts that dont realy make any sense to me...sometimes people cheat and realize what a mistake it was, reinforcing there REAL feelings for someone else...sometimes people do it becasue they are jsut plain selfish and use it as an excuse later that it has reiforced their love and it is somehow this great thing...either way it sucks to be cheated on...and I bet its not so easy for the cheater afterwards if they give a F*ck

Why is making sex with another one is bad when you are married? Is it because sex should come with love and that means your husband does not love you anymore. Lol, most women never loved their husband anyway. If you are saying because thousands of years of tradition altered our brains so we can not think otherwise i would understand.