Great two-liners

Life's a bitch
and then you die

That's where I always went wrong ! I thought it was
Lifes a bitch
then you marry one !

the future's bright,
the future's green and white.

*champions league summed up nicely *

I'm off to bed
Because i am bloody tired

Men - can't live with them
can't shoot 'em

"Men - can't live with them
can't shoot 'em"

Buy a gun fer christ sake woman .

On the door of "The Wee Room"

We aim to please.
You aim, too, please.

Thats brilliant DD

Same shit.
Different day.

Life is a like a shit-sandwich.
The more bread you have the less shit you have to eat.

Where I'm from we say:

Life's a beach,
then you surf!

Good judgement comes from experience
and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

Wil Rogers

Where ever you go,
there you are.

life is shit
we are full of life

Piccadilly Line

Is this Cockfosters?
No, it's mine.

More of a great comeback than a two-liner, but someone else can start a new thread.

Nancy Astor (to Winston Churchill): If I were your wife I would put poison in your coffee!

Churchill: And if I were your husband I would drink it.

give me the strength to try to change the things i can change, and the strength to not try to change the things i cant change.

and the wisdom to tell them both apart.

Women - Know one
You know them all.

same as the best lyrics...
no man is my enemy-
my own hands imprison me

There are quite a few such witticisms from Winnie. My favourite is this one:

Bessie Braddock: Sir, you are drunk.
Churchill: And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning I shall be sober.

Kids in the front seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Situation Normal - All Fucked Up.

Only works in German:

Sagt der Walfisch zum Thunfisch, "Was sollen wir tun, Fisch?"
Sagt der Thunfisch zum Walfisch, "Du hast die Wahl, Fisch!"

(F**k the Neue Deutsche Rechtschreibung, oops).

Guy to girl in a bar : "Do you fancy a fuck ? "

Girl's reply : " Not usually, but i will for you ya smooth talking bastard "

At the end of the day
It's tomorrow

Never trust a plant.
It could be a Bush.

Life could be much better
if we had it's source code.

Great minds think alike,
Fools seldom differ.

You sir,
are a wanker.

I aim to please
Although sometimes I am just pleased to aim

Frankly my dear...
...I don't give a damn!

Is that a gun in your pocket,
or are you just happy to see me?

(Mae West / Cary Grant / She Done Him Wrong)

I usually get:

Is it cold out,
or are you just pleased to see me?

Anyone who hates cats and little children,
CAN'T be all bad.

W. C. Fields.

My old man to a hairy geezer who had just knocked on the Lock House door while we were having dinner (me dad was a lockkeeper on The Thames in later life):

You rang
U-tang

I'd rather a free bottle in front of me
Than a pre-frontal lobotomy

Tell all the huns you know,
it's going to be * in a row

(* insert number )

Life is like a pubic hair on a toilet seat
One day or another you'll get pissed off

A version I prefer is:

Woman - You can't live with'em.
You can't live with'em!

My prefered version is...

Women, you cant live with 'em
And you cant bury them in your back garden!