Future father-in-law picking me up tomorrow

ok I need some advice on this. about to fly off to amiland to have a nice relaxing time with the fiancee. however I am flying into bettendorf and not chicago. because of this Mandy's dad will be picking me up from the airport and I am going to be staying overnight there before heading up to chicago. The dad (dwayne) has in the two times I have breifly met him seemed to be a nice character, however not a talker really. He is also american, not that that is bad, but it is different. I also have the added complication that he's a non drinker and I am learning brewing. What the hell is proper etiquette in america for meeting the future father in law for the first time without the daughter being there? I don't even know if I call him as mr. soandso or by the first name?

what did you call him the few times you did meet? Or, you can ask him what he prefers to be called.

Start out with the Mr. Soandso and take it from there based on his reaction. He'll either tell you to call him Jim (unless that's not his name) or not, but one way or another will appreciate the deference.

I also suggest not mentioning anything related to you actually having carnal knowledge of his daughter

Any questions he asks you will probably have been carefully considered in advance. Do the same with your answers...but don't look like you are being careful with your answers. Maintain eye contact but don't stare. Strong handshake but don't break his bones. Be casual but not sloppy. Careful but not sneaky. Be afraid, be very fucking afraid, the rest of your life could depend on the first five minutes.

Good luck, let us know how you get on.

He's a person, just like everyone else. Just be polite and yourself. If you know anything about him, i.e. hobbies et al, ask him about them. Just try to get to know him like you would anyone else that you just met. Keep the attention off of yourself, if you're nervous, by asking lots of questions but don't be fake. Be interested. You'll do fine.

I have actually never called him by name yet. It was one of those situations where you just don't have to use names so you don't, but leaves you wondering afterwards what you should have used had the need arisn.

just remember his probably just as nervous- you are after all going to marry his little princess.

not mention my carnal knowledg of his daughter? what? whyever not?

Sir works, too (if you don't want to use his last name) until he tells you otherwise. It's just a term of respect and older generation Americans are used to it. He'll tell you how to address him if he wants to be less formal.

Nervous, hah, this is the guy who is taking his little princess away from him. That's commonly referred to as "the primary target".


Ok, your call but I'd stay away from mentioning specific positions that she likes.

I actually don't think I could use sir. That would be too weird.

I would use sir rather than Mr. soandso

best of luck

I just had the most helarious thing run through my head. Thanks for the inspiration keydeck, now tomorrow when I meet the guy and can't stop laughing I will blame you!

You're right Iain, unless you are used to calling people sir it's gonna feel weird and probably sound forced. Stick with the Mr.

Case #1
Iain: Hello Mr. Soandso, nice to finally meet you.
FFIL: Hello Iain, did you have a good trip?

Result: You stick with the Mr. since he seems to like it.

Case #2
Iain: Hello Mr. Soandso, nice to finally meet you.
FFIL: Hello Iain, call me Jim. How was your trip?

Result: You call him Jim and he likes the respect you showed initially.

Case #3
Iain: Hello Mr. Soandso, nice to finally meet you.
FFIL: You disrespectful little shit, the surname is Smith and don't you forget it.

Result: You're a dead man.

Case #4

Iain: Hello sir, nice to meet you.
FFIL: Hello, call me Jim, How was your trip?/

Iain: Not to bad alot better after I have a few beers get a few pokes at your daughter. Did your wife teach her that thing she does when Im taking from the back??

FFIL: BANG BANG BANG

Cause you know we all have guns.

Are there big do's and do not's attached to this kind of thing in america. Besides the general respect and friendliness?

As a topic of conversation, I would suggest asking about the area where he lives and showing interest in his house. Likely to keep the conversation going for a while.

Americans believe in strength so don't show weakness. Treat him with respect, but don't act like you are a kid.
He is about to be family so act like family. When you see him at the airport, tell him how great it is for him to pick you up. Say, "Dwayne, thank you so much for picking me up. After such a long flight, it is nice to know that someone real is on the ground to meet me." From there, treat him like you would a long lost uncle. Most of all, just be yourself and not what you think he would like and have fun and just relax.

huh? do explain.

Oh for Christ's sake iain, I just looked: you are Canadian; being American isn't that much different. Honestly. It's not like he's a Patagonian tribal leader or something. Act normal.

I'm guessing it's probably not a good idea to use too much bad language.

Like:
FFIL: So, did you you have a good flight?
Iain: No it was shit. Those fuckers on Delta wouldn't even let me bring any fucking water on board. Fuck those fucking cunts. I not a fucking camel. My mouth's as dry as an 80 year old cunt. You got any water?

Is probably not a good way to start...

actually my entire family is scottish I grew up in newfoundland, which is very different from mainland canada, spent the last three years of my young life in germany. I was shocked at how different people act in america. People do and say the oddest things. It's not a bad thing but its something myself and mandy talk about all the time. The difference b/w how I act in my family as compared to hers is huge.

hazza that was fucking cool mate

Ohhhhhhhhh you are Newfie...

Nah. Same thing. Act normal, treat him normal. Be extra polite, show interest in what he has to say, ask follow-up questions.

Yes, I can understand there are differences. But you are spending at most 24 hours with him alone, not marrying him. I'm sure you'll cope.

Talk football. Ask him about Da Bears.

Dont sweat it too much. Just be polite and grateful, you'll be fine.

You think that you have a problem?

The night before I flew over to meet my then girlfriend (now wifes) father, I asked her what she had told him. She told me (complete with the German accent she had then), the following:

"Well, I told him everything, I told him that you were living with someone else but that was over and that I am not going to University or taking over your company anymore. I am going back to England to marry him and I am not a virgin anymore"

She is an honest woman!

fuck canaryman and I thought it was bad that my fiancee told him that I didn't smoke. He does and now I am going to have to spend 24 hours with him smoking and me dieing. ah well hoping this won't be too bad tomorrow. I actually really like the guy for all of the five sentences we have spoken together. two or three of which were about taxes mind.

@eurovol, I take it da bears are an american football team?

funny, you are going to the mid-west, and most of the advice is coming from a bunch of "damn forieners"...

ok, as a 2 minute intro, keep the following in mind:
- by definition, this is an awkward situation (for both sides). many movies have used this scenario as their sit-com basis.
- humor is a good way to break the tension - but make jokes about the situation, not the person.
- one key element of mid-west culture is "getting along well with others". you don't need to fit-in / come from there, but if you are comfortable to be around (and you are), no worries.
- try to avoid using "foreign words" and phrases (like "no worries, mate!") unless making a joke about its foreignness by use of an exaggerated accent.
- topics to avoid: terrorism, bush, politics, religon, word history, world geography (unless it was on the Discovery Channel).
- good topics: cars and trucks, american sports, farming, traffic, shopping, food, what you watched on TV.

and note: "da Bears" is the common name, which became popularized by Saturday Night Live in the '90s, of The Chicago Bears professional football team.

finally, there are quite a few people who don't drink in the MW - some for religeous reasons, some because they are alchoholics, some because they just don't like it, some because they are morally opposed to drinking and driving, etc. Few will lecture you about how you should stop (again, stress on "getting along well with others"). Unless the person brings up own their personal reason, it's best not to ask.

oh, and don't interupt people when they are talking. eat with your mouth closed. if you smoke, be very considerate of others (don't smoke when someone around you, even if they are at another table and you don't know them, is eating!!!). Don't litter. and don't stare at people - it's not nice. Hold the door open for people, especially older women. respect your elders. and quit flashing your money around! but be sure to tip the waitresses at least 15% so long as the service was not really bad. offer to pay, but if the eldest person insists, then but up a small "no, no, let me get that" and if they insist agian, let them pay and be done with it. never ask a waitress for separate bills. and it is very common at bars to "pay as you go", tip well on the first round (1$ per drink is a very good tip outside of The City, but average in The City).

but honestly, you will have no problem Iain.

And a lot of times (esp. in the Midwest) hunting is a good topic of conversation. My dad is a scary, overprotective Midwest guy and the best way to get on his good side is to talk to him without being a patronizing smartass. Be genuine and be nice, take real interest in them. Easy enough.

This reminds me of when my cousin's fiancee came back to meet the family for the first time. Everyone was a little suspicous of him because he and my cousin got engaged after only knowing each other six weeks. Plus he was kind of an obnoxious smartass which didn't sit well with my family.

So after Sunday dinner (lunch- but farm people call it dinner- remember that), my uncle and my dad "invited" him to go hunting (Well, it was more of a "Come on, Dave, we're going hunting" type command).

They got out in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere, everyone with firearm in hand except my cousin's fiancee, and had a nice, heart-to-heart chat about the future well-being of my cousin. It went something along the lines of "Do anything to hurt her or make her life difficult, and we'll kill you and make it look like an accident."

Sorry, I love that story though. You'll be fine- just remember though if they ask you to go hunting, it's not really a thing you should say no to- just make sure you don't end up standing there empty handed. Also- if they do give you a gun to use, never point it at someone (accidentally or otherwise) and keep your finger off the trigger. Do otherwise and they'll think you're a complete idiot.

Edit: One more thing- eat red meat. Many, many Midwesterners love steak, hamburgers, anything made of beef. You can't go wrong if you eat a steak. Also, if the guy smokes, smuggle him back a couple of Cuban cigars. I know that would score huge points with my dad.

oh, almost forgot. Bars card / check IDs of EVERYONE. always go out with a photo ID (passport, drivers license - must be a government issued ID with a photo!). and of course, you must be 21 or older to drink / purchase alchohol. Illinois also has an "open container" law - it is against the law for a motor vehicle to be operated if any person in the vehicle has an open container of alchohol (open can of beer).

and wear your seatbelt.

and in Illinois all guns transported in a motor vehicle must be securely stored in the trunk (boot), under lock and key. and if you get pulled-over / stoped by the police, you MUST inform them that you have a firearm (in the trunk).

and driving 5 mph over the posted speed limit is commonly accepted on the highway.

local laws might be a good conversation topic, now that I think of it...

This is what I do with dogs. Show your dominance, dogs respect strength. I also like to carry around small pieces of dried ham in my pocket.

Refer to the US as "Our Western colony" , insist on tea and cakes and when speaking of his daughter , finish every sentence with "the wanton hussy"... oh and wink at him ... they're big on that out there.

I thought that all that was required of any englishman when visiting the states, and wishing to create a good impression was to behave like that twat Hugh Grant, and say shit like "righty oh", "chipper", "pip pip" etc

This would probably NOT be the icebreaker question.

You don't know who the Bears are? What the fak kind of commie bastard are you anyway?

No, but really, you have no NFL knowledge whatsoever? You're marrying an American. She might not be as much a curling fan as you thought.

btw, don't mention to dad-in-law about your curling fetish, you complete wuss (added for effect).

The serious part of this post: Say "sir", it's not that hard.

watch the film meeting the parents
should give you a good idea of what to expect
as my x farther in law was a retired NYPD narcotics dective turned divore lawyer
that was and still is a nightmare
as i made the mother in law watch the film wile visting me and she hated it as she could not look me in the eye afterwards

Unless the FFIL is even remotely intellectually minded, in which case discussing the above topics will make you look like a complete dimwit and ruin your chances with his daughter forever.

agreed, but do you know her father's first name? i'm guessing if you're over 25, have a job, money, a life, then address him by his first name unless he's going on 70 otherwise use Mr. Soandso, also Mr. Soandso if you are still a nose-pickin-400-euro-job twenty something.

EDIT: you're only 23, definitely use Mr. Soandso & sir (unless he says otherwise), otherwise you'll come across as a better-than-thou foreigner.