The vent

F*ckin' Freenet! Phone is ringing and I can't answer because it's not working through the WRONG router you sent me! My main number doesn't work AT ALL!!!

I have no idea who is calling. Could be work even, argh.

Oh - if anyone is trying to call me, PM me.

and wear Deo Because Damn!!! I was around someone yesterday and OMG what is with this, no deo thing. In America if you smelled like that at work or at school ,someone would get pulled aside and spoken to! In Fact we all had the smelly kid in our class who finally the teacher after sent home hygiene pamplets actually called in his parents aside and said something.. it is weird that no one seems to notice how bad it really does smell!

euhw euhw euhw, I was in the supermarket the otehr day and all I could smell was BO! was the quickest shop I ever did.
horrid!!

gawddammittohellandback! Don't get all upset at me because my dogs bark at you as you waddle by while waving around your Nordic walking sticks. In case you didn't notice, we put up a brand new fence last year so there's no way that my dogs can get at your fat ass. If you are so scared of dogs, then stop using the short-cut path between my place and my neighbour's property, and use the small street that's on the other side of his house. At least with the whole house blocking the view, my dogs won't spot the mountain of wobbling blubber slowly going by. Or maybe I should open my gate and speed up your excercise regime a bit. At least that's guarranteed to raise your heartbeat and get your sluggish cardiovascular system moving a bit. You're supposed to be Nordic walking... not strolling along at the rate of a tortoise with a gimpy leg. Sheesh!

addendum: Anyone who is that scared of two small terriers behind an obviously new security fence should take those firecrackers and set them off where the sun don't shine! And anyone who actually sets off any at my dogs while they are in my yard behind my fence will receive an anzeige delivered to their hospital bed. Just walk away, goddamit!

I allways save some firecrackers from New Year's Eve for dogs that are frightening me and the children.

This happened a day or two ago, but seems relevant at the moment. I was walking in the park with my dog on his leash when this boy (maybe 8 years old?) started barking, growling, and howling at Tobi. Also shouting at him to sit. Tobi was totally confused and just lay down on the ground and froze. I asked the kid not to do that, "da es den Hund irritiert". The boy didn't stop, nor did his parents seem to even register that anything was happening!!! When Tobi finally thawed enough to get up and walk with me, the kid ran around screaming that my dog would eat everyone up. If the kid weren't so young, I'd think he was doofy. His parents definitely were.

Dear Asshole on Bike,

Yes, I know I am riding on the "wrong side" of the bike path, as I was merely trying to access a store a few feet down from where I had initially stopped. I absolutely refuse to hop on my bike, head to the "correct" side of the bike path, ride for two minutes and then re-cross the street in order to access my fucking point-of-destination. You do not need to stop your bike in the middle of the bike path, essentially blocking me from moving, and tell me that I am on the wrong side and need to move to the other side before you will continue riding. I'm sure that made you feel like Master of the German Universe, "righter of terrible wrongs", avenger of bike-path evils. I hope my sarcastic answer and middle finger made you feel even more valiant- fucking twat!

Motherfnckers...how long will you fnckin continue to look at skin color ...b@satrds...My shit has more IQ than you and your whole fnckin family tree...a55sh0les...wipe that snigger off your fnckin faces when you tell me that I cannot fnckin get into your fnckin club becos I"m fnckin wearing a sweatshirt over my shirt...besides insulting me, you are a shame to my civilized friends from Germany...a55eh0les...how long is this country going to discriminate people based on fnckin skin color...u stupid doorman following the blind orders of your boss, my taxes pay for your incompetence, your parents' social security and your kid"s education...screw you...if you guys continue to act like this, I guess you will die a pathetic pauper's death because my kids aint paying for you...I fnckin brown and fnckin proud of it...

No, dear unknown neighbour, your guitar-playing and singing is not a relaxing way to spend Sunday evening in the garden. It's the same as if somebody is playing their radio too loud. Applause from your friends should not be taken as a reason to sing even louder. You want to sing, get a gig, preferably far away from us. You should probably work on your intonation of English lyrics, too, but most of all shut the fuck up, I can still hear you inside with all the windows shut.

WHY did you have to call me now??? i've been doing sooooooo good!

It's OK to admit you didn't do something. Making a mistake is OK. There's no need to find a way of blaming me for any mistake you make.

But hey, that's why I left you in the first place and you'll never learn.

Seems they never do.

And all the threatening text messages in the world won't scare me.

Lady, please, put some clothes on or take it indoors. I do not want to see your wrinkled, granny-panted rear every time I look out of my window! And I most definitely don't want to have neighbourly chats with you while frantically trying to avert my terrified gaze from your ragged, greying underwear. I swear, one more time and I'm going to start doing the same in my own lingerie of choice and see how you react. Oh, you want to talk about renovations? In front of your grandchildren? Let me just shed a few layers.

bleating about ex-spouses despite the western World not generally having forced/arranged marriages these days - YOU messed up so don't blame someone else

I work with the mentally ill.
My staff team has more problems than them.

Self vent time! Seems being awake for over 40 hours, working 18 hours non stop, drinking massive amounts of beer at a street fest, going home drinking a bottle of wine then expecting myself be an intelligent coherent human being, is to put it bluntly far fechted and stupid! And dangerous to say the least.
No excuse though should keep away from PC and telephone at these times.

On the other hand had a chat with a nice person today and we seem to understand each other, or at least he me, I'll never understand me I think!

Negotiating child access.

Does it really have to be so hard every time.?

If you said yes and I payed for a hotel why can't you just accept it. Yes in English means I agree.

What kind of person who dials a wrong number and upon learning that he has indeed dialed a wrong number asks the person on the other end to provide them with the right number?

No sir, I don't happen to know the number for Fr. Isolde Maier. Try directory assistance.

Arrrgghghghghghg! German DJs are usually okay with pronouncing things in English, but over and over and over I hear that "Almost Lover" is sung by "A Fine Francy"...the word is FrEnZZZZZZy!

Do not hold the door for me if I am a mile away from it! I dont want to run to get to the door.

right ok fine so i cant go on an language course coz im a temp, fine fair enuff, but keep yer pants on, theres no reason to get all pissed off at me just coz i sit blank faced in some meeting, coz you guys frequently swap over to french, i dont speak frenchand you know that! working language is english! dont get pissed off just coz i point out that i have no idea what you guys are saying! if you want everyone to understand speak english. this is an international environment and not everyone speaks french but everyone speaks english!!! if ye wanna speak french dont ask me to come along to take the minutes!!!

I'm the parent. I chose what my children eat not you , f**king kindergarten.

why the f**k do you need my passport to hand over to me, my driving licence with my picture on it? Now I have to wake up again at 6 tommorow to avoid the queues.

BMW Bank, when I revoke your permission to direct debit my account a full week before the next payment is due I expect you to act accordingly and NOT debit the account because I have been trying to give the car back for a week and the dealer at Frankfurter Ring says, oh try again in 14 days, we might have an appointment then.
BMW dealership at Frankfurter Ring, when you promise to call back with an appointment within two hours I do not expect five days to lapse. You are next on the calling list, and you'd better have a date on Monday or I'll just dump it there.

Doctors assistant type person,

There is no point in telling me you are a 'profi' in either language because when I hear that word my mind simply drifts off somewhere else. Repeating yourself in English is not going to help. You are nothing to me.

You are either a qualified individual whose services I seek or your are not. Your years of 'experience' in the field mean nothing to me. Blah blah blah. I care not one jot for your opinion and resent the time it takes to tell you so. I am paying for the organ grinder not the monkey.

In the land where endless pointless certification is king, then the fact that you have not taken the time, and more pertinently the effort, to gain appropriate qualification is even sadder.

Desk jockey know it alls. Is there a more pathetic creature out there?

One look at the passport and I had my licence. Did you really need my passport for that? Cant you use the picture on it to ID me? Or use the other cards I had? Rules, rules, rules!! Why not use ur commonsense?

Assistant, when I say my boss and your boss want dinner together, do not give me a lunch date.
And when I say my boss is available every evening of the week in question except Thursday, do not give me a Thursday date.
Thank you.
*If I were as blond as you I'd shoot myself with a rope!*

I HATE being broke

If you answered your phone we would not keep calling. Ex-landlady - we want our kaution back, its 6,000 and we have waited 5 weeks when we were told it would only be 2. And as for your stupid table cloth that we have picked up by mistake it is not worth 6,000 so give us our money back.

As for Mr bloody Lodge - you were out of the office till 12.30 and we were told you would call 1pm, at 2.30 we call to find you have gone back out the office and would be back at 4pm. Apparently you know what is going on and have talked to ex-landlady and have sorted the situation out - what situation we don't know cause you won't bloody tell us.

A big F!You! to the bastards who came into our garden in the middle of the night and took our 6 year olds pet rabbit and guinea pig out of their hutch. You are the lowest. If I ever find out who you are you'll walk with a limp forever!! I have had to spend this evening trying to explain why his pets have gone.

AAAAAAAAAAARGH! F**k off neighbor i wake up early to have some privacy, why the f**k do you wake up 7.30 in a Saturday morning.

How did I manage to pick up the second cold in 4 weeks when no one near me has one? Just now, when I can't afford to be ill nor have the time for it. Why why why???

What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I picking up this crazy new habit of waking up before 8 am on a Saturday morning? Aaargh!!

Matti, Andreas was first dressed and however many times you say you want to be first nothing is going to change that. You need to learn to be quicker.

Put your clothes on now or no party this afternoon

I am a health care professional, not a fucking babysitter! I do not enjoy having to work saturdays, even more so when you expect me to do my job and entertain your brat at the same time! Get your spose/oma/ neighbour to look after your brat! Its not my fucking job! Having them jumping on and off the chair, while I work with sharp instraments in your mouth doesnt help me, when they shake the chair and you end up moving I am going to hurt you! Don't get all pissy with me, when I tell your brat to sit and read on of the books I gave them.

Ghhhhhaaaaggghhhhhh!! Have just phoned my insurer to ask for their fax number.

Me: Hello, could you give me your fax number please?
Her: Why do you want our fax number?
Me: [Deep breath] Because I would like to send you a fax about my insurance policy.
Her: Aha, but of course you would, wouldn't you?
Me: [Trying to keep patient] Can you just give me your fax number please?
Her: What's your insurance number?
Me: [Looks at 40-digit insurance number on prepared fax message, and considers how long this conversation is likely to take...] You will see my insurance number on the fax. Will you please give me your fax number?
Her: Why do you want our fax number?
Me: [EXPLODE!!!] Just give me your @##$$%% fax number! I need to contact you about my insurance in writing!
Her: Hmmm, well, you understand that we get a lot of advertising, so we always have to ask first. Here's the fax number:

People who can't corner. It's not that fucking hard, you idiot! These people:

- approach corners on the inside, drift out wide in the apex, then brake hard and try to get back on their side of the road.

- take autobahn exits about as inefficiently as possible, following the inside of each curve, but then at the top when they want to turn right, they finally approach from the left-hand side of the lane, but then stop and block anyone who wants to turn left.

- approach blind corners, already straddling the centre-line, and remain on the wrong side of the road most the way round.

Speaking of the centre-line - this isn't Australia, it's not dusk, and you don't have to worry about roos. Get on the right fucking side of the fucking road. Idjit.

Why oh why am I sat next to you now, after our office move? I've only been back a week, and now I find you are in the desk next to mine? Seriously? You smell like wet dog and piss. I do not like you and I'm pretty sure you do not like me. I know I've been off for a few months, but I think I still now how to do my job thanks., so stop being such a patronisng bitch. It's not rocket science. A complete twat could do this job, as evidenced by the fact that you've been working here for four years and keep getting passed over for promotion. I also start work at 8:00 am. So the time I spend checking my emails and reading the paper online, between 7:15 and 7:59 is my own to do what I damned well please. Who the hell do you think you are? You ain't my manager! It is also pretty disgusting when you scratch that nasty rash on your back, then pick your fingernails with your teeth. Maybe if you had a wash after you dog licked you, you wouldn't have that rash and you wouldn't be stinking out the office. Also, your dog is a FUCKING DOG!! No one cares what she did last night or that she has a scab on her tail or needs some ointment for her nipples. No one gives a shit. Have a wash and shut the fuck up!

God, why do you hate me so today? Not only am I sat next to the office bitch, who turns around to whisper something nasty about someone every five minutes to the secondary bitch sitting behind us, but the heel on one of my favourite pairs of stilettos broke right off this morning. Did you have to let it snap on MY WAY TO WORK...before I even got to the office? Could you not have snapped it on the way back to my car this evening? So I had to limp into my building. Then I had to limp into town, and be laughed at by a load of builders, and drop fifty quid on a new pair of shoes that just killed me for the rest of the day. Are you happy God? I've officially had a shit day, so you owe me for tomorrow!

Dear future father-in-law:

You have no life. You wake up at 4:30 in the morning, leave by 5:00 and don't return until 18:00, sometimes much later. Throughout the day, you are at a construction site, telling all of your hardworking Russian immigrant employees what to do and yet you hardly ever lift a finger except for working a crane or laying down tiles. You shouldn't even work at a construction site -- you don't have the balance for it. You've already fallen off of a building once, dumbfuck.

We are not your employees. We may live with you under your roof, but that doesn't give you any fucking right to get pissed when I haven't had time to iron your fucking shirt. And sir, I am not your slave. I've been forced to clean the bathrooms, sweep and mop upstairs, dust, scrub toilets and do the ironing for six people. SIX FUCKING PEOPLE! And what do I get for it? 80 Euros a month and a fucking couch bed to sleep on with my fiance. What do you get for doing almost nothing except for telling others what to do? A huge house (that I have to clean almost entirely by myself), more money each month than I would make in a year's time and a comfy bed. You didn't even give me a damned thing for my birthday except for a handshake, so fuck you.

You have no right to get pissed, get up from the table and walk off in the middle of a conversation with your wife and leave all of us baffled, just because my fiance mentioned that he and I were possibly going to get an apartment soon. We're big kids, we can handle ourselves. You're just pissed because you won't be able to use the fact that we live under your roof against us anymore whenever something doesn't go your way. Fuck off.

I'll be glad when we move away from you. No wonder your wife is probably cheating on you -- she can't visit her fucking pony at the stables THAT much. How fucking stupid are you!?

Oh my god, dog: Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Note to self:

I am nervous for essentially no reason!

I do not yet know how to ship my stuff back home but it has to be done by Friday. BUT I do have a solution (that is a bit expensive but it's there). My stuff will get shipped home, in the end.

The world will not end, Mariposa! So stop freaking out!

oh btw thanks for showing up! a txt would have been nice. i dont care if you went to your bf's house. i dont give a fuck! you tell me all that shit and then dont even bother to show up or cancel on me! whats that oh i shouldnt be pissed off??? well hope you think the same if the situation would have been the other way around and you would have been the one waiting for fuck noone.

im just glad it was starbucks at least you dont look stupid there if you sit all on your own!

Mr hotel owner,
I book a room in your hotel every week because I like it there and it's in a good area with shops and restaurants and only a 6 minute bus ride from my work.

So when you accidentally double book the room I'm in, then the solution is not to book me into a hotel which is stuck in the middle of nowhere so it takes 5 times as long to get there on busses that run once or twice an hour. Then I discover that due to a complete lack of restaurants (or even Kebab places) that I need to take a 20 minute bus ride again to find somewhere to eat. My room stinks of stale cigarette smoke and the free WLAN only appears to work properly in the bathroom - which is quite fitting because that's the only place that has a power socket.

You know I don't have a car because I've told you every week that I don't need a parking spot, so why get someone reliant on busses to move? I am a regular customer, and stay (or at least attempt to stay) at the your hotel every week so while I'll stay there next week so that I can complain loudly and angrily to you personally, unless you grovel and make this up to me somehow, I'll be looking for somewhere else after that...

Dear Jerk who stole the flags off my car. My 11 year old kid spent his pocket money on that because he is so excited about the cup. And he bought the one that was stolen Saturday. Happy with yourself?

Buggerrit millenium hand and shrimp as foul ol' ron would say.

Bugger the bloody marder that chewed my battery cables this morning, making me late for work, mrs b late for a job interview and lightening our pocket somewhat.

Bugger the bloody sun for making my mole swell up and start bleeding meaning a trip to the skin doctor.

Bugger the fact that I didnt want to tell Mrs B about Mr mole as she was stressed enough with the interview.

Bugger the new tattoo on my arm caused when my son coloured in the open scratches on my arm directly after I had been pruning the roses with a red marker pen. I now have permanent pink line on my arm. Ok, thats quite funny, but buggerit anyway.

Bugger the childminder who has decided that she cant do it anymore as of next week and we have to find someone to pick wee man up from the KG for an hour every night next week.

Bugger the kindergartens for not opening until six instead of five.

Bugger the price of bloody petrol which now accounts for 10% of my total wage every bleedin month.

bugger it.

Generally

Speaking of those flags .. I hate them. Everyone and their dog have them on their cars. I think they look stupid as shit. And not only one, but two ? What the fuck for ? Why not 10 ?

Being a condescending twat doesn't disguise the fact that you're incompetent. It just makes you an incompetent condescending twat.

After being here for more than 2 years, this thing keep on pissing me off.
Today it happened again, and it was a reinforcing event that this will keep on bothering me for a longer time.

Now for the situation:

You are busy at work with another colleague, talking about some tasks and so on.
Then comes Herr or Frau ... (could be anyone, and it is almost everyone) and just barges in interrupts and start their own line of questioning which does not even pertain to the same subject!!!
They just felt that they are more important and that they should just cut of the discussion and present their case (I love how it is always the KURZE FRAGE!!!) Blooooody ehhhh, it's never Kurz and it is a whole line of items turning into a 30 min discussion.

I just thought there are basic rules for discourse, you see someone busy talking to another, you peacefully back up and come back later to try again. Apparently, it is not written here in the manual... I am thinking to ask HR (the central one of course, the location HR might not have power to execute such a dramatic change) to include it in the Arbeitsordnung little booklet, perhaps then people can start paying attention to it.

Hmmmmmmm, Achso I should not interrupt my colleagues just to get my thing done!!!

Tell me about it, but I didn't buy them, and I didn't steal them.

Fly. Prepare to die.