The vent

ok soooo I made the dinner wrong and the gravy spilt all over he stove then I put kitchen towel on it to soak it up and it stuck on the rings, then the stupid apple sauce was off( why cant the apple sauce be just normal apple sauce ) then the cranberry ( please be normal cranberry) arrrrggggg, ok so dinner was ok but then I have to do the recycling puttting all the off things into a newspaper, then on the way to the bin it goes all over the floor!!!!and I have to tidy that up. Alrighhhhtt recycling and recycling but ohhhhhhhhh yeh good for the world not for me!!!

Co-worker in Houston: When we have been discussing A's time entries in case LMN and I send you an overview of time entries with entries from four timekeepers on various matters I do not expect a snarky e-mail asking me to point out the relevant time entries asap.
Read the fnücking time sheet and pick them out yourself, idiot.

Co-worker here: Stop treating your boyfriend like a child and scolding him for not calling yesterday. Be glad that he was only sleeping.

Bastards!

Just got a nice parcel from my bank and thought, how nice of them, wonder what it is?

Bastards!

A DVD, ' Deutschland, Ein Sommermaerchen '

Bastards!

To the obnoxious American pr*ck driving the Mercedes in the Ikea parking lot this afternoon:

I'm horribly, horribly sorry that you had to wait more than 2.7 seconds for me to load up my shopping and back out of my parking space because you were too lazy to drive down the next row to all of the open spots. You can take your twatish comments and poke them straight back up your ass where they belong. I'm especially sorry that when my boyfriend turned around and said "Fuck off, you c*nt" that you were not within earshot.

And next time you feel like throwing a tantrum at someone in a parking lot in this country, at least have the decency to attempt it in German. Twat.

Stupid neihghbor kids. Don't get in my garden hopping over the fence or running through the hedge to hunt down your stupid rabbit. At your age you should be able to ring a doorbell and ask to get in the garden. And build a better hutch so your rabbits won't come to my garden anymore. Next time I see your rabbit in my garden there will be roast rabbit on my table.

Friggin' 'ell! If I give you my telephone number and mention I am going home to sleep as I have to get up early the next day to work, do not call me repeatedly (ten times) over the next few hours, not stopping until two in the morning! What are you doing?! Your "impatience" has just guaranteed that I will never ever ever go out with you.

Run, Ruthie, Run!

Oh, and - It's been over 6 months - almost a year considering when I first said so - so get the f*ck over it already.

And quit sending me sms's.

Co-worker, I asked you last week to make a list of your PC complaints for the IT guy as you won't be here today. I reminded you about it on Thursday. Why isn't it on your desk today?
Janitor, when you ask me who is on the parking pallet in the garage that needs fixing and I tell you that I'll give them a call from upstairs I expect you to wait until I call you back (3 minutes) instead of buggering off. Next time, you run around and ring all the doorbells trying to find the jerk.
Jerk, if the parking pallet has jumped the tracks, don't fnücking park on it, rendering it impossible for me to access my rented space and causing worse damage than you've already wreaked.
What is wrong with you all? Or am I asking too much?

Ohh for f**k sake does this really have to be such a constant battle!! Life should not be this F**king hard!!

I did not go to University of Minnesota!!! I have no idea what your talking about! I can not believe you skimmed my resume and set up an appointment with me and can not at least get right the University that I went to.. I am not sure even if you offered me the Job.. I would want it..

Great work, co-worker in Houston. You have now involved two different kinds of help desk, both giving answers to totally irrelevant questions. Why can't you just read my mails and procede accordingly? Get her on the list for time entries (sorry to use a two-syllable word, I tried to keep it simple).

Please do not try to imitate my accent, you just sound like a twat and it isn't amusing.

Now that is funny!!!

And for the last time, co-worker, when I send you a matter number xxxx4659, do NOT change it to xxxx4586 and then go running to help desks 1 and 2 because I am still bugging you about the time transfers. That brain cell must be mighty lonely up there ...

Seeing a doctor in this country. I've timed how long I sit in the waiting-room at my GP's - it's always over an hour, and last time it was 1 and 3/4 hours. What sort of country is this where you need a half-day off any time you need to see a doctor?

My shoulder's been playing up. I've been on diclofenac for two weeks now, and the only change so far is that my stomach's getting really tired of the stuff. So off to my GP this morning to beg for a cortisone injection. But he's on holiday.

So back home to get my proof of having paid the praxis gebuehren and off to another local GP, where I find no fewer than 30 people in the waiting-room. Fuck that.

So off to the orthopedic clinic in Ebersberg where they've looked after me previously. Without a transfer and without an appointment. Turns out that 3 of their 5 doctors are on holiday, and that no-one can see me. But they will give me a prescription for more diclo. Oh joy. Of course, they took another 10,- off me for the privilege.

I said I'd be available from 2pm onwards, so why then do you call me at 1:10 and again 1:30. I am not going to be there. It's not difficult is it!

This behavior is a glaring red flag and sounds likes he (I'm assuming it's a he) could have stalking potential.

Sleep why won't you come!!!

hm, i see so you think i should feel guilty??

THINK AGAIN!!!

I had to wait for 1 and 3/4 hours last time, and to think people complain about the NHS

Dear Mr Newspaper delivery man, maybe you cannot read, that is why there sign with a symbol in the elevator that one is not allowed to smoke in there! Now, I know you open the door on all 16 floors, but for christsake, you are still smoking in the elevator and every wed and fri morning I get a lung full of smoke as I get into the elevator. Thank you very much, nice wake up. Asswipe!

Australian Rules Football is not like American Football, nor is it like Rugby.

I can understand having to explain that once, but if you're so fucking interested, then fucking look it up for yourself (you have internet access) and stop asking me the same stupid ignorant questions. I DON'T wear a helmet...no really, it's a different fucking game and there's no such sport as "Australian Rugby".

Twat...

Over 150 for a litre of Diesel. For f**k sake.

It's not my fault, dammit, stop trying to guilt trip me! It is not all about youyouyou, it's all four of us.

3 and a f*ckin half hours at the Augenarzt for a check up !! and then after you put those stingy drops in my eyes you send me out into the SUN without telling me SUN f*ckin GLASSES would be a GOOD idea !!!

What the f did I say about sms's? Like I want to read another insult when I feel like this. I think I know someone at t-mobile who should be able to block your number.

You've got SUN?

Oh yes, co-worker in Houston: If you want the time entries moved to a different number than the one we had been corresponding about then fnücking TELL me so! I swear, any cockroach in a skirt would have made a better paralegal than you.

It's a holiday in the US on Monday.

Been like that for years.

Why the f**k couldn't you plan for it?

You didn't call me back because you had "...no idea how to call your German number from here". This from a lawyer in London who has numerous voice mails and emails from me helpfully telling her the number to please call me back on... including all them dastardly little codes. Maybe if you'd tried that for a start we wouldn't be in this mess eh! Fucking go on a little course in funky international telephony, making sure your passport and telephone-entry visa are up to date first of course.
Have you no shame!?

Dear employer!
I had plans for tonight! i wanted to go to the gym try out this kinesis wall course they got and then have a nice relaxing time in the sauna and steam bath, BUT course i had to stay in the office til late today, so that i will have to fake my time sheets AGAIN, coz i went of course over the 10hr limit you put on us! not enuff i only had to stay on late coz one of the team leaders needed the new procedures in place by friday morning. FRIDAY!!! considering that tomorrow would be a normal working day for my assigned company I could have done it tomorrow, BUT you ensured that NONE of us temps (or should i say slaves, ah doesnt matter its the same anyway) may come to work on a public holiday, coz you might actually would have to pay us anything that would resemble some sort of money! Thats rubbish, so you would have to pay me double 1 day a year, now if you'd consider (what you of course wouldnt do) that i am wasting fucking 9 Thats NINE days holidays of my total of 20 days a year for random days that i have to take off because my assigned company is closed for specific european public holidays, which of course never happen to be an german public holiday.

yes you read right im fucking wasting 9 days holidays there, considering i only have 20 days that leaves me with 11 days to take time off so i actually could go somewhere. OH no i cant go anywhere, coz for that i would have to earn more money so that i could afford to pay for more but rent , gym, some food and a coffee a week.

you bastards,
an dissatisfied employee

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Dear REWE customer service, (scratch the customer service you dont know what that is anyway)
in winter time you sell lemon and mango sorbet, WHY THE FUCK dont you sell it in spring and summer??? no it wasnt sold out! that would be fine! i would come back, NO you dont have it in your range anymore and wont get it back before winter time. now 5 rewe stores told me the same!

THAT DOESNT MAKE FUCKING SENSE you fucking idiots!

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dear fucking kaufhof,

at the entrance you state that your openings hrs are until 10pm, now how come you are closing up just when i get there at 8pm??? what the fuck???
YOU ARE THE ONLY PLACE IN THIS ENTIRE CITY THAT SEEMS TO SELL SORBET! so why are you closing at fucking 8 and not at 10 as you say in your opening hours displayed at the entrance??

a pissed off customer

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dear fucking shoe producers

how many women in this country could possibly wear a size 3, considering that most seem to be about 5'5 or taller??? make shoes in fucking 6-9 and not half a million 3's!!!
and no they have not been sold out as several shoe shop assistants have said the same (they seemed to have size 6-9 kinda feet and couldnt find anything either) ship the 3's to chile they will sell there way easier than here!
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dear stupid subway employee,

thank you for the free cookie. BUT if you really dont know the difference between TURKEY and CHICKEN breast, then go and get a fucking different job. I've ordered TURKEY breast! NOT CHICKEN breast, i dont care if it was way to crowded in there, so i got distracted easily and didnt watch you the entire time, i never had to watch a subway sandwich maker to make sure they put the right stuff on my sandwich! why do i have to come home to find out that you put chicken and not turkey onto my sandwich.

you fucking IDIOT
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dear asshole in that italian icecream cafe at rudolfplatz,
if a potential customer comes in and askes you, with a smile on their face even though they are fucking pissed off, if you do have sorbet, DONT tell them to fuck off and eat ice cream instead. you could have just said: nope sorry just icecream or something in that direction.
choke on your fucking ice cream i'll never come back!!
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and all that on ONE fucking day!!!

OH FOR FUCK SAKE!!!

you are really what i needed...GEEZ!!!

NO i will not come to frankfurt to visit you. what you mean you dont get it? so you really think there is passion in this kind of conversation:

you: hey how are you?
I: fine, and tell you all about it.
you: good
i: (thinking erm thats it, hm ok)
---------
few days later:
you: hows work today
i: tell you all about it
you: good
i: (thinking erm thats it, hm ok)

and so on and so on.

why on earth would i come to visit you in frankfurt??? why should i bother to go all the way for such kind of conversation? i doubt that you'd be saying anything else. not that you would have anything else good to offer !!!

HOW OFTEN WILL I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU??? I AM NOT INTERESTED!!! PLEASE STOP CALLING ME, for goodness sake!!!

only 50 min to go til a new day starts dont think today could possibly get any worse!

Dear Shopping Cart Lady with Anger Issues and an Overdeveloped Sense of Vengeance,

If you drank a little less Weinstephan at every spare waking moment, you dour potato-faced little sadsack, you may have noticed that, yes, in fact, your reflexes have gotten a little slow at the draw and other people DID in fact make it to the line well before you, with time to spare, while you were busy tucking in your darling little liquor bottles nice and safe and adjusting your Hanes, before deigning to step within 20 feet of the cashier.

Perhaps the glare from your own greasy hair blinded you, and you really did not see. Perhaps you were overly concerned with your precious cargo clinking away seductively in your rolling basket and failed to hear the world around you once again. Perhaps it was simply the stench from your rotting maw, that dark pit of stale cigarettes and irresponsibly crafted sloppy insults, rendering your spacial reasoning momentarily dumb. I don't know. But don't fucking roll your stupid brown plaid cart into me you silly goddamn worm and try to burn a hole into my head with your guilt trip because I will stare right back at you and I will LAUGH at you. And if you try to make a SCENE by complaining to the cashier who is at the end of her rope, with a huge line of 20 people, then you only make yourself look like the inflexible doofus who can't just let a poor German get her way, and what's more you chose the totally wrong flavor cheese spread, that one's always moldy. So nyah. Stupid twat.

Now that put heart into me. Class rant.

Bugger you!

Yeah! And whats with German banks (Stadtsparkasse) having the nerve to charge you for a bank account, then when you ask why there is a charge, they claim to have such great service. Service my arse!!! They charged me 15 EUROS to put a french cheque (euros) in my account!!!
I changed over to a new bank which doesn't charge, and the Sparkasse took 2 WEEKS to transfer my balance!! So I was basically skint for 2 weeks. Wankers.

Why is it so complicated just to get my stupid tax number? Form after form after form and still I have no number. I've been working for 6 weeks now and haven't seen a cent. I can't be bothered to go back to the Finanzamt, its a 90minute round trip and why doesn't my 'freelance' employer help me out?

Pig in a wig. Pig in a wig. Pig in a wig. Pig in a wig.

Have you no idea how tedious you are? You really should stop embarressing yourself like this.

Every time you try to impress those around you with yet another example of how erudite or accomplished you are, you are actually just making yourself look a little more foolish than before.

It's just like that picture of Miss Piggy in a black wig that kind of looks like the Mona Lisa (but doesn't) that is used for teaching image filtering and rectification. It doesn't matter how you manipulate the scene (or in this case the situation) it's still just a pig in a wig. Yep - every time you regale me with another facet of your multi-talented personality all I can hear is the theme tune to the Muppets.

No one is ever going to describe you as remarkable - some people are simply just destined to be plain and uninteresting - I suggest you get over it sooner rather than later. The only person you are kidding is yourself.

God, please send down a mighty storm with lots of thunders and lightings straight into my neighbors' apartment - she is killing me with the smell of fried onions every friggin' day! I just can't take it anymore! How can someone eat only fried onions based food? I like my apartment, it's in a nice area, but the darn onion smell drives me up the walls!

And speaking of walls, as a bonus aside the downstairs onion frying neighbor, I have this new bimbo next to me who moved in three weeks ago. Ever since she moved in she's been using all sorts of electric devices that make a weird noise - and she seems too dumb to make some immoral or pleasure-inducing activity! No, my guess is that she really tries to drill some holes in the wall with an inadequate tool! Like trying to pierce a concrete wall with a needle or sth!!
And that is not all - she had this brilliant idea of flooring her balcony with square wood pieces. They look exactly like the one you put big flower pots on, minus the tiny wheels. They look exotic and it's a great place for leaves and dirt to pile under and in between. She arranged them into a pattern two weeks ago and she has been arranging them ever since! She but some of them into halves so that she can fill in the gaps in the corners and on the sides, and she polishes the friggin' pile of wood for ages! And she put two chaises-longues on the balcony, so whenever she takes a break, she can smooch there with her boyfriend - what is the point of having your own place when you still have people yelling at you "get a bleedin' room"?!?!?

GOOOOOOD!!

God fucking damnit to hell, I hate you! I fucking hate you! Go crawl in a hole and fucking die, woman! Agh!

Why are people so caught up on stupid, contrived formalities? I don't say good morning one day because I'm engrossed in something else and you pout about it for 2 weeks. I don't call you until two days after your birthday because I forgot, big deal, I couldn't care less if you call me on mine, it doesn't mean I don't care about you.

Dear Garage Owner!

Once again, you have woken me up last night, not once, nay, but twice! At 1.15AM I am not a particularly sociable person, which is why I yelled at you from my balcony like a fecking fishwife. Please note that your Garage is not, I repeat NOT a fucking Mens Club where all your little friends can come and play cards (slapped on the table so loudly I can actually hear it and Im at least 20 yards away and on the 2nd floor as opposed to your being on the ground floor) once your working day is done.

This is driving me up the wall, depriving me of sleep, thus turning me into psych from hell, which you are about to find out at your cost. If there is so much as a chirp from your fucking friends at your fucking Garage I will not be responsible for my actions. Get a fucking life! Why not go home for a change and amuse the wife??? A Garage is not a Social Club!
I will soon employ rent a mob to sort you out if you are unable to do it yourself.

@ Deutsche Post AG - Why can't you give me a fax number for your so-called customer service when I call your so ineptly staffed service hotline and only provide me with an address? Because when I google that address, dear Deutsche Post AG, I get telephone, telefax and e-mail contact details. Oberknuts®

Deutsche Telekom:

I have never made a homepage for myself using your services. You have charged me 260 euros for this service, which I would like back.

I am still waiting for 120 euros back for the two months you charged me despite not managing to give me a working telephone.

You also have been charging me 20 euros a month too much because your different departments can't communicate with each other.

All in all you friggin owe me about 500 euros and I am totally pissed off because I know I won't get it back no matter what I do. Jackasses.

Attention people on the escalator: FACE FORWARD! Don't ride backwards so that you can peer down my shirt and breathe noisily all over me; me and my iPod are in the middle of a very sweet Jay Sean groove and you are *ruining* it.

Top tip. Oh, whoops, sorry wrong thread.

Goddammit fuck it to hell in a hand basket the fucker is such a shit and god I want to just strangle the shit of him and kick him in the balls to hear him squeal the fucked up sociopathic mother fucker gonna be a dad and screw up a kid for life till he shoots his dad and goes to jail for saving the planet from the biggest asshole alive till he is dead son of a bitch!

ARGH! It's NOT about YOU!
Stop trying to twist every event in the world to be about you!
You don't wish you could trade places - so stop the fake martyr bit. There's nothing more to understand!
Learn a lesson and get some professional help, but STOP texting me, stop calling me. It's not my job to help you!

Dear, dear, dear scientists of the western, english speaking world and beyond.

You are a load of BASTARDS!

You piss around looking for a little pin prick of light in the sky as it may shed some light on some potential particle that may exist.

Why have you not yet managed to find a cure/treatment for the horrible stink of body odor we have to put up with in mainland europe? WHY NOT? You can invent something to make someones farts smell better then why not the BO problem? Are you just taking the PISS and all the grant money?

Its 26c in here and everyone seems to think its ok to wear the same t-shirt/shirt for more than 2 days running.

Dear german Government...

Are you all deviod of a sence of smell or what? It must stink where you are so why have you not ran an add campaign saying 'hey, poeple, in summer, in fact in any season, only wear that shirt etc once before washing it'.

'We stink, even though we are not alone in europe for this, we still stink'.

Having a shower and wearing a non clean shirt is actualy wasting water as you still stink. Its like eating a big Mac when you are hungry, you will still be hungry in 1 hour and after that shower, you will still stink.

Basic advice, have a shower every morning, wear clean clothes!