German jokes about the English

Are there any? I have found German jokes about the French, the Russians, the Americans etc, but can't find any about the English...And that can't be right!

Best wishes,

Richard

Well - they call us the "Island Monkeys" for a start! :-)

That's more of an observation, really.

how dare they

No I think there aren't any.There are jokes about Scots. But are there German jokes in England? There must be lots!

someone told me about this one: have a look at www.wischmeyer.de
click on "hoeren" and there's a listening sample about "der Englaender" (and also "der Franzose").

I have listened to it! Great absolutely! This is quality political Cabaret. There is a big difference between a morbid retroperspective view fired by tabloids and the real understanding between educated European peoples. German Cabaret can be funny and cynical but it can target Germans and Germany too.

I can't, ahem, speak German. is there any way someone could please translate it for me? If it's not too long?

Thankyou!

Deutschland steht vor dem Spiel gegen England bei der WM 2006.
Klinsi sagt zu seinen Spielern in der Umkleidekabine:
- "Hört zu Leute, ich weiß die Inselaffen sind scheiße. Aber wir müssen gegen sie spielen, um die FIFA glücklich zu machen."

Darauf Ballack:
- "Ich mach euch einen Vorschlag. Ihr geht alle in eine Bar und ich spiele alleine gegen sie. Was meint ihr dazu?"

Trainer und Spieler sind einverstanden und gehen in die nächste Kneipe, trinken Bier und spielen Billard. Nach gut einer Stunde erinnert sie Kahn, dass ja das Spiel läuft und schaltet den Fernseher an:

Deutschland 1 (Ballack 10. Min.) England 0
zeigt die Anzeigetafel.

Zufrieden widmen sie sich wieder Billard und Bier.
Nach einer weiteren Stunde betrachten sie das Endresultat. Die Anzeigetafel zeigt:

Deutschland 1 (Ballack 10. Min.)
England 1 (Beckham 90. Min.)

"Scheiße!" schreien alle Spieler und rennen entsetzt ins Stadion zurück, wo sie Ballack in der Garderobe sitzen sehen, das Gesicht in den Händen vergraben.

- "Was zum Teufel ist passiert, Michael?"
schreit Kahn.
- "Sorry Freunde",
antwortet Ballack
- "aber dieser verdammte Schiedsrichter hat mich in der 11. Minute vom Platz gestellt!"

That is sooooo not funny...

How about...

Why do German men wear moustaches?
So they can look like their mothers.

And feel free to change the word "German" for any moustache-wearing nationality you care to insult.

kinda spoils the title of the thread though

Me really thinks you should really consider moving into that empty apartment in our building Hannah!

There's lots about Scots being mean - but normally the Germans just moan about the Inselaffen and our misplaced sense of humour...maybe they don't like or dislike us enough to joke about...although most of the Polish or Dutch jokes I hear regularly have been nasty rather than funny, so maybe we're better off being ignored.

Translation for the non German Speakers:

The English team are set to play Germany in the 2006 World Cup.

As the English are preparing, Beckham says to them, "Don't worry, Germany are so crap that I will take them on by myself. You go and find a bar to sit in and relax."

The rest of the team does this, and the bar they go into flashes scores up on TV teletext.

After three minutes, a score comes through:

England 1 Germany 0
Beckham

They naturally go ballistic. Then, with 89 minutes played, the score comes through:

England 1 Germany1
Lehman

This obviously disappoints them, but they all rush off to congratulate Becks on his achievement of taking on the Germans all by himself.

They are amazed to find him distraught, repeatedly saying "I let you down, I let you down!"

One of them said "You didn’t let us down, you took on a whole team by yourself and got a draw!"

He replied, "No, no you don’t understand, I really let you down. I got sent off after 11 minutes!"

Jeeeeeeeez Slackers, my German must be really crap! I could have sworn "10. Min" was the 10th minute, and 90. Min was the 90th minute. Are you sure 10.Min really translates to "three minutes", and "90. Min" to 89 mins??

You really need the 10. Min thing to make the 11. Min punchline that wee bit funnier.

And they say that Germans don't understand humour... I thought they were the ones who try to change stories in their Translations.

Ohh Släckmäck... did Hannah possibly touch a nerve there??!!??

It's an old joke I had on file... just quickly changed the names... it was originally about England whippin Irelands arse

I'm sorry but I simply didn't find it THAT funny anyway!

It's not, but it does go to show that even some jokes translate, and if Germany wish to enjoy our sense of humour and jokes against us, who am I too complain.

ohh, begorrah, well top of de mornin to ye den.

yawn...

Die britische Königin Elisabeth gibt Papst Benedikt einen Empfang.

Die beiden zeigen sich dem Volk von der Terrasse des Buckingham Palace aus.

Die Königin will beim Papst Eindruck schinden und flüstert ihm zu:
"Ich wette mit Ihnen, dass mir das ganze Volk zujubelt, wenn ich nur einmal winke."

Der Papst hält das für unmöglich, ist er doch seiner Meinung nach der grosse Star des Volkes.

Die Königin winkt mir ihrem weißen Handschuh. Das gesamte britische Volk jubelt und englische Plastikfahnen werden geschwenkt.

Der Papst ist nur verärgert und schlägt seinerseits eine Wette vor:
"Wenn ich mit dem Kopf nicke, werden alle Schotten unter dem Publikum ausrasten und mich noch monatelang feiern."

Elisabeth glaubt natürlich kein Wort.

Der Papst holt aus und gibt ihr eine Kopfnuss...

That's actually bordering on humour there.