A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.
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Jokes
No chat, just jokes
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ok, here is one for ya.
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. "The moral of this story is:" "Always keep your condoms in your car."
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. "The moral of this story is:" "Always keep your condoms in your car."
What are the simularities between a blonde and a screen door???
The harder you slam'em the looser they get...
The harder you slam'em the looser they get...
What do you get when you turn 10 blondes upside down?
At least 7 brunettes.
At least 7 brunettes.
This one is just cute funny...
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago"
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago"
This came from my aunt, just one of many I get every day.
little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble
at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he
deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy
Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy
this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God:
This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year
and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Leroy
Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter
and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God:
I have been an "OK"! boy this year. I still would really like a red
bike for my birthday.
Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy
wrote another letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get
him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him.
Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little
Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.
Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He
slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble
at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he
deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Leroy
Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy
this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God:
This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year
and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Leroy
Leroy knew that this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the letter
and started again.
Letter 3
Dear God:
I have been an "OK"! boy this year. I still would really like a red
bike for my birthday.
Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy
wrote another letter.
Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get
him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," Leroy's mother told him.
Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little
Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.
Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He
slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
@nicole33: funny!
What barks all day and floats at night?
Your mother-in-law's dentures
funny!What barks all day and floats at night?
Your mother-in-law's dentures
This one is just kinda gross...
A man and his wife are sitting on the couch, watching TV, and he is throwing peanuts into the air and trying to catch them in his mouth. Somehow it happens the man gets one of the peanuts stuck in his ear. He does everything he can to get it out but it wont come out. His wife tries to get it out but it wont come out.
His daughter gets home with her new boyfriend and they ask what is going on. The man explains and the new boyfriend says that he knows how to get the peanut out. He sticks his fingers up the mans nose and tells him to blow hard. The peanut comes out! The daughter and wife are impressed and the daughter walks into the kitchen with the boyfriend giving him all sorts of praise. As they walk away the wife says how wonderful the boyfriend and she wonders aloud what he will be when he gets older.
The husband says, " From the smell of his fingers our son in law".
Yeah I told you it was bad...my grandpa sent that to me...
A man and his wife are sitting on the couch, watching TV, and he is throwing peanuts into the air and trying to catch them in his mouth. Somehow it happens the man gets one of the peanuts stuck in his ear. He does everything he can to get it out but it wont come out. His wife tries to get it out but it wont come out.
His daughter gets home with her new boyfriend and they ask what is going on. The man explains and the new boyfriend says that he knows how to get the peanut out. He sticks his fingers up the mans nose and tells him to blow hard. The peanut comes out! The daughter and wife are impressed and the daughter walks into the kitchen with the boyfriend giving him all sorts of praise. As they walk away the wife says how wonderful the boyfriend and she wonders aloud what he will be when he gets older.
The husband says, " From the smell of his fingers our son in law".
Yeah I told you it was bad...my grandpa sent that to me...
A husband and wife have their 50th wedding anniversary approaching, and the husband wants to get his wife something special. He decides to bring some life back into the bedroom. He goes to the store and picks out some high-priced erotic lingerie. He brings it home, wraps it, and gives it to his wife on the night of their anniversary. His wife takes the not-so-subtle hint and heads into the bathroom to change into it. While in there she thinks, "He's so old and his eyes are so bad, he's not going to notice if I put them on or not." She decides just to go back into the bedroom naked. The husband is happy to see his wife emerge from the bathroom, takes one look at her, and goes "huh... you'd think for all that money, they would have at least ironed it."
Allright, here is one ...
A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.
One Christmas she turns up on the doorstep, upon her return, her father
cussed her ;
" Where have you been all this time, you ingrate!
Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?
Why didn't you call? You little tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give out a few Christmas
presents, for Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed
mansion, plus a savings account, certificate for £5 million.
For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime
membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you
all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it you said you had become?" interrupts the Dad
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! . Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a
Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
One Christmas she turns up on the doorstep, upon her return, her father
cussed her ;
" Where have you been all this time, you ingrate!
Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?
Why didn't you call? You little tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give out a few Christmas
presents, for Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed
mansion, plus a savings account, certificate for £5 million.
For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime
membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you
all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it you said you had become?" interrupts the Dad
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! . Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a
Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,
will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks, in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever
heard!"
"I know," Melissa says. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of him."
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,
will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks, in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever
heard!"
"I know," Melissa says. "And once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of him."
A group of professional people posted this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds.
"What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
Rebecca- age 8
************
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.
Billy- age 4
************
Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving Cologne and they go out and smell each other
Kari- age 5
************
Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French Fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy- age 6
************
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Terri- age 4
************
Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
Danny- age 7
************
Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
Emily- age 8
************
Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
Bobby- age 7 (wow!)
************
If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
Nikka- age 6
************
Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
Noelle- age 7
************
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
Tommy- age 6
************
During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.
Cindy- age 8
************
My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Clare- age 6
************
Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
Elaine- age 5
************
Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
Chris- age 7
************
Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
Mary Ann- age 4
************
When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
Karen- age 7
************
Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and doesn't think it's gross.
Mark- age 6
************
You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica- age 8
************
And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother
asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
"What does love mean?" The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
Rebecca- age 8
************
When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouths.
Billy- age 4
************
Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving Cologne and they go out and smell each other
Kari- age 5
************
Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French Fries without making them give you any of theirs.
Chrissy- age 6
************
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired.
Terri- age 4
************
Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.
Danny- age 7
************
Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
Emily- age 8
************
Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
Bobby- age 7 (wow!)
************
If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.
Nikka- age 6
************
Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.
Noelle- age 7
************
Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
Tommy- age 6
************
During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore.
Cindy- age 8
************
My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
Clare- age 6
************
Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
Elaine- age 5
************
Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
Chris- age 7
************
Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
Mary Ann- age 4
************
When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
Karen- age 7
************
Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and doesn't think it's gross.
Mark- age 6
************
You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
Jessica- age 8
************
And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother
asked him what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."
This is a great example of "did I say that out loud?"
This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question.
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."
This happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey.
A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"
"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.
Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question.
"It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."
LITTLE BILLY ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one Candy Bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that Candy isn't good for you. It will give you Acne, rot your teeth, and make you Fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My Grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your Grandfather eat 6 Candy Bars at a time?"
"No," replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
****************************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A Teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having Ice Cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of Ice Cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the Cone.
The third is biting off the top of the Ice Cream.
Which one is married?"
The Teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the Cone."
To which Little BILLY replied,
"The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding Ring on', but I like your thinking."
********************************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
Little BILLY returns Home from School and says he got an F in Arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the Father."
The Teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
But that's right!" says his Dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
What the fuck is the difference? " asks the father.
That's what I said!"
********************************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to School, and the Teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a Blowjob."
********************************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the Teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "Beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My Father bought my Mother a Beautiful dress and she looked Beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the Teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My Mommy planned a Beautiful Banquet and it turned out Beautifully."
The Teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my Sister told my Father that she was pregnant and he said "Beautiful, just fucking Beautiful!"
Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one Candy Bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that Candy isn't good for you. It will give you Acne, rot your teeth, and make you Fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My Grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your Grandfather eat 6 Candy Bars at a time?"
"No," replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
****************************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...PHILOSOPHY
A Teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having Ice Cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of Ice Cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the Cone.
The third is biting off the top of the Ice Cream.
Which one is married?"
The Teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the Cone."
To which Little BILLY replied,
"The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding Ring on', but I like your thinking."
********************************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON... MATH:
Little BILLY returns Home from School and says he got an F in Arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the Father."
The Teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
But that's right!" says his Dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
What the fuck is the difference? " asks the father.
That's what I said!"
********************************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:
Little BILLY goes to School, and the Teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a Blowjob."
********************************************************************
LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the Teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "Beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My Father bought my Mother a Beautiful dress and she looked Beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the Teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My Mommy planned a Beautiful Banquet and it turned out Beautifully."
The Teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my Sister told my Father that she was pregnant and he said "Beautiful, just fucking Beautiful!"
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(This is getting more interesting...)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (''el computer''),because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!
A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?''
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ''computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(This is getting more interesting...)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (''el computer''),because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won!
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
Dear Audrey,
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her sluttish, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used tt as a sex aid.
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey. She really is. So we're drinking in hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the
whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please, please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Foxtel remote control is.
John
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore.
The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.
But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Audrey." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close.
Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingoes and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her sluttish, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you.
Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used tt as a sex aid.
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey. She really is. So we're drinking in hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the
whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please, please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Foxtel remote control is.
John
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering
from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your
problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your
husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering
from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your
problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your
husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Subject: Loopy Chickenbuns
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.
Here is your dose of humour...Follow the instructions to find your new name. Once you have your new name, put it in the Subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers. Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated.
The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new
first name:
a = poopsie b = lumpy
c = buttercup d = gadget
e = crusty f = greasy
g = fluffy h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim j = stinky
k = flunky l = boobie
m = pinky n = zippy
o = goober p = doofus
q = slimy r = loopy
s = snotty t = tootie
u = dorkey v = squeezit
w = oprah x = skipper
y = dinky z = zsa-zsa
Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first
half of your new last name:
a = apple b = toilet
c = giggle d = burger
e = girdle f = barf
g = lizard h = waffle
i = cootie j = monkey
k = potty l = liver
m = banana n = rhino
o = bubble p = hamster
q = toad r = gizzard
s = pizza t = gerbil
u = chicken v = pickle
w = chuckle x = tofu
y = gorilla z = stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second
half of your new last name:
a = head b = mouth
c = face d = nose
e = tush f = breath
g = pants h = shorts
i = lips j = honker
k = butt l = brain
m = tushie n = chunks
o = hiney p = biscuits
q = toes r = buns
s = fanny t = sniffer
u = sprinkles v = kisser
w = squirt x = humperdinck
y = brains z = juice
Thus, for example,Tony Blair's new name is Zippy liverlips!
Remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day;
adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.
Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.
Here is your dose of humour...Follow the instructions to find your new name. Once you have your new name, put it in the Subject box and forward it to friends and family and co-workers. Don't forget to forward it back to the person who sent it to you, so they know you participated.
The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new
first name:
a = poopsie b = lumpy
c = buttercup d = gadget
e = crusty f = greasy
g = fluffy h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim j = stinky
k = flunky l = boobie
m = pinky n = zippy
o = goober p = doofus
q = slimy r = loopy
s = snotty t = tootie
u = dorkey v = squeezit
w = oprah x = skipper
y = dinky z = zsa-zsa
Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first
half of your new last name:
a = apple b = toilet
c = giggle d = burger
e = girdle f = barf
g = lizard h = waffle
i = cootie j = monkey
k = potty l = liver
m = banana n = rhino
o = bubble p = hamster
q = toad r = gizzard
s = pizza t = gerbil
u = chicken v = pickle
w = chuckle x = tofu
y = gorilla z = stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second
half of your new last name:
a = head b = mouth
c = face d = nose
e = tush f = breath
g = pants h = shorts
i = lips j = honker
k = butt l = brain
m = tushie n = chunks
o = hiney p = biscuits
q = toes r = buns
s = fanny t = sniffer
u = sprinkles v = kisser
w = squirt x = humperdinck
y = brains z = juice
Thus, for example,Tony Blair's new name is Zippy liverlips!
Remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day;
adults laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.
A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth, a young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black"? embarrassed, the young student replies "I don't know I'm only here to wash your hands and feet", he struggles again to ask "nurse are my testicles black?" finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says "there is
nothing wrong with them", finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies "that was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?
nothing wrong with them", finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies "that was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, and what are you seeing the
doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, and what are you seeing the
doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in
this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong
with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the
doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her
advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
A man goes into the doctor's to pick up his wife's test results.
Dr: Uh, I'm awfully sorry sir, but we've mislaid your wife's results. We've narrowed it down to two patients - she either has HIV or dementia.
Man: Oh, right - then what should I do?
Dr: Drive her out of town, and then put her on a bus. If she comes home, don't fuck her...
Dr: Uh, I'm awfully sorry sir, but we've mislaid your wife's results. We've narrowed it down to two patients - she either has HIV or dementia.
Man: Oh, right - then what should I do?
Dr: Drive her out of town, and then put her on a bus. If she comes home, don't fuck her...
And now a joke break
An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty.
"What's the problem?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."
An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty.
"What's the problem?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."
Exhibit A in the case against Jacko...
An old woman walks goes to her doctor and says, "Doc, I really need help. For the past few weeks I've been farting like crazy, every couple of seconds I have to fart. Fortunately, the farts don't smell and they're silent, in fact I've been here only a few minutes and I've farted at least a dozen times and you haven't noticed."
The doctor considers this and then gives her a bottle of pills and instructs her to take two every morning for a week and then come back.
The woman does this and the following week goes back to the doctor.
"Doc, I don't know what it is that's in those pills, but I haven't stopped farting but now my farts smell terrible."
The doctor replies,
"Good, now that we've taken care of your sense of smell, lets see what we can do about your hearing."
The doctor considers this and then gives her a bottle of pills and instructs her to take two every morning for a week and then come back.
The woman does this and the following week goes back to the doctor.
"Doc, I don't know what it is that's in those pills, but I haven't stopped farting but now my farts smell terrible."
The doctor replies,
"Good, now that we've taken care of your sense of smell, lets see what we can do about your hearing."
Here is one to end the day
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."
Here's my fav, preggers ladies and new mums, don't take offence.
So. There's this lady in the operating theatre in the process of giving birth.
The doc's standing between her legs giving her encouragement "Come on Beth, one more push...that's it!"
Out pops the new baby, the doctor lifts it up, smiles at the mother then swings it round by it's feet smashing it into all the surgical equipment then drop kicks into the trash can in the corner, perfect shot.
Understandably the new mother is somewhat upset and is screaming at the doctor, "Doctor!! What are you doing to my beautifuy baby?!!"
The doc replies " Can't you take a joke? It was already dead"
Mwa!!
So. There's this lady in the operating theatre in the process of giving birth.
The doc's standing between her legs giving her encouragement "Come on Beth, one more push...that's it!"
Out pops the new baby, the doctor lifts it up, smiles at the mother then swings it round by it's feet smashing it into all the surgical equipment then drop kicks into the trash can in the corner, perfect shot.
Understandably the new mother is somewhat upset and is screaming at the doctor, "Doctor!! What are you doing to my beautifuy baby?!!"
The doc replies " Can't you take a joke? It was already dead"
Mwa!!
Blair and Bush at a press conference about which country to take over next.
Bush: "We're going to kill 4 million muslims and a dentist."
Journalist: "A dentist, why a dentist?"
Blair smirks contentedly, claps his fellow leader on the shoulder and says: "Told you no one would ask about the muslims."
Bush: "We're going to kill 4 million muslims and a dentist."
Journalist: "A dentist, why a dentist?"
Blair smirks contentedly, claps his fellow leader on the shoulder and says: "Told you no one would ask about the muslims."
Here is one to counter that straight from Doctor's office.
A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.
And now for something completely different. Supposedly from actual court transcripts of lawyers questioning a witness:
_______________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_____________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
____________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST!!!
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
_______________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
_____________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
____________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST!!!
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.
A joke a day is good for you so here is one.
An old man is having his medical checkup Then the doctor asked the old man, "Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his wife, an elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, yes," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."
An old man is having his medical checkup Then the doctor asked the old man, "Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his wife, an elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, yes," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."
you gotta have a joke everyday peeps
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five times.
At the sixth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them..."
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five times.
At the sixth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them..."
one for friday
A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful blonde woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! I've GOT to do you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"
The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"
The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?"
The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his tool out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!"
The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"
The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in pennies!"
A guy is walking down the street, sees a beautiful blonde woman with a very short skirt, approaches her and says, "My god, you're hot!!! I've GOT to do you! I can't help myself, and no matter what, I've GOT to have you!"
The woman is very shocked and asks him, "What!? HERE? In the middle of the street!?"
The guy answers, "I've got to have you now! So I'll make you an offer. I'll drop $500 on the sidewalk and, while you're picking it up, I will do everything I want. OK?"
The lady seems to be in intense thought. Then she calls her friend. She tells her friend the story, looking for some advice. The friend says, "It's no big problem. When he drops the money, you pick up the $500 fast, and he won't even have time to get his tool out of his pants before you finish picking it up. Just take the money and run!"
The next day, the friend sees the woman walking like an old woman. The friend asks, "What happened to you!?"
The woman answers nervously, "That son-of-a-bitch dropped $500 in pennies!"
Little boy asks his mum "Why has daddy got his willy in the bisuit barrel?"
Mum replies "He's f*ckin' crackers!"
Mum replies "He's f*ckin' crackers!"
I apologise in advance for this...
What did the L.A gang member say when the houses fell on him during the big earthquake?
"Get off me, homes."
What did the L.A gang member say when the houses fell on him during the big earthquake?
"Get off me, homes."
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''
So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''
The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''
The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''
She says, ''That's not creative.''
Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone...cheese mine.''
So the Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''
The Collie says, ''That's not good enough.''
The Bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''
She says, ''That's not creative.''
Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone...cheese mine.''
An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing.
So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
''So, you've been out drinking again!!''
''What makes you say that?'' he asks, as he puts on an innocent face.
''The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again.''
So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
''So, you've been out drinking again!!''
''What makes you say that?'' he asks, as he puts on an innocent face.
''The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again.''
THE LONELY LITTLE BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice."HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here..."
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice."HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here..."
After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory,
because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things
with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit
confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such
a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home.
Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Jane.
"And the third?" "That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted
to say thanks for his new ears."
because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things
with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit
confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such
a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home.
Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Jane.
"And the third?" "That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted
to say thanks for his new ears."
> >A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy cold Monday
> >morning. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
> >amazingly neither of them are hurt.
> >After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
> >That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
> >nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
> >should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our
> >days".
> >Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must
> >be a sign from God!"
> >The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
> >completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
> >wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
> >Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
> >opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
> >The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
> >it back to the man.
> >The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
> >The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."
> >MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.
> >morning. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
> >amazingly neither of them are hurt.
> >After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
> >That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
> >nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
> >should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our
> >days".
> >Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must
> >be a sign from God!"
> >The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
> >completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
> >wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
> >Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement,
> >opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
> >The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands
> >it back to the man.
> >The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
> >The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."
> >MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.
Tired of living in the big city Joe moves out to the sticks into a quaint little log cabin and begins his new rural life. After a few days a big bear of a guy comes knocking on the door dressed in blue overalls, wearing a straw hat and smelling of moonshine. Joe is a bit wary at first but then decides to open the door.
The big guy says "I saw that you are new in the area and thought I'd invite you over to a little party I'm having this Friday night."
Taken aback by the surprising friendliness of the big guy Joe smiles and relaxes a bit,
"I have to warn you though," says the neighbor "there's apt to be some pretty heavy drinking at this party."
Joe contemplates this for a moment before the neighbor chimes in again,
"And, I wouldn't be at all surprised if there are a few brawls throughout the night."
Joe thought about this and figured that it was probably natural that with so many people drinking that a brawl or two might break out,
"And 9 times out of 10 there ends up being some pretty rough sex during the night."
Well, Joe agrees that it sounds like a bit of a crazy party, but being bored he decides what the hell. So he says; "Okay, great, I'm in. What should I wear?"
To which the neighbor replies
"Don't make no difference to me. Just gonna be the two of us anyhow."
The big guy says "I saw that you are new in the area and thought I'd invite you over to a little party I'm having this Friday night."
Taken aback by the surprising friendliness of the big guy Joe smiles and relaxes a bit,
"I have to warn you though," says the neighbor "there's apt to be some pretty heavy drinking at this party."
Joe contemplates this for a moment before the neighbor chimes in again,
"And, I wouldn't be at all surprised if there are a few brawls throughout the night."
Joe thought about this and figured that it was probably natural that with so many people drinking that a brawl or two might break out,
"And 9 times out of 10 there ends up being some pretty rough sex during the night."
Well, Joe agrees that it sounds like a bit of a crazy party, but being bored he decides what the hell. So he says; "Okay, great, I'm in. What should I wear?"
To which the neighbor replies
"Don't make no difference to me. Just gonna be the two of us anyhow."
One for monday.
An elderly couple, Sam and Betsie, are from Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Betsie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Betsie takes a good look at his penis and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BETSIE? IT'S LOOKING DOWN AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
To which Betsie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.
Ya shoulda bought a hat."
An elderly couple, Sam and Betsie, are from Texas.
Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and is walking proudly all the way home. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Betsie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Betsie takes a good look at his penis and says, "Sam, what's so different? It's hanging down today it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BETSIE? IT'S LOOKING DOWN AND ADMIRING MY NEW COWBOY BOOTS!"
To which Betsie replies, ever so slowly, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.
Ya shoulda bought a hat."
A professional orchestra began playing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony during a concert. As it happens, there isn't a lot for the tubas to play for a while. The lead tuba player suggests they sneak out the back door, to the bar across the street for a quick beer. Just so they would know where they were when they returned, the tuba players tied string around their music parts.
When they returned, it was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.
Submitted by Joseph Walsh of Lansing, Michigan to the Prairie Home Companion Show
When they returned, it was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.
Submitted by Joseph Walsh of Lansing, Michigan to the Prairie Home Companion Show
A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve rope here." So the rope walks outside, ties himself in a knot, and frays his ends a bit. He then walks back into the bar and asked for a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you that rope that was just in here?" The rope goes "Nope, I'm afraid not."
TT addicted or is it me???
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical
studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and
fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports
bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde
at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news
was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on
a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The
blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll
jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the
guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to
his death. The blonde was very upset and
handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's
your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this
earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think
he'd do it again." Homer took the money...
bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to this blonde
at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news
was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on
a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The
blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll
jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the
guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to
his death. The blonde was very upset and
handed her $20 to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's
your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this
earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think
he'd do it again." Homer took the money...
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