Jokes

Amusing Insults

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

One for the boys, and any so-inclined girls...the Virtiual Bartenders!!

www.beer.com

Sorry, I have a technical question and I don't know, if this is the right place to post it.

I have a problem with the reception of my handsfree set and I can't find the answer to the problem.

Perhaps one of you can help me with this model. I've attached a picture.

Try using an external antenna

I don't look good naked anymore

http://www.goodolddogs.com/older.html

Beer is good for you

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

How true it is

Cardiff Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the Zoo vet determined the problem - the gorilla was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Gareth, a big Welsh lad from Swansea, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.

Gareth, like most Swansea boys, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo Administrators thought they might have a solution.

Gareth was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have a shag with the gorilla for 500 pounds?

Gareth showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Gareth announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."

"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The Zoo management quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition?

"Well," said Gareth... "could you give me another week to come up with the 500 quid."

A cracking selection of readers' letters from Viz

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colin Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P, Leeds

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les, Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Thomas J

very good

A wealthy hospital benefactor was visiting the hospital when,
during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating.

"oh my god!" screamed the woman. "that's disgraceful!"

The doctor that was leading the tour explained, "this man has
a serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with
semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day , he'll be in
extreme pain and his testicles could rupture."

In the very next room they could see that a nurse was
performing oral sex on a different male patient.

Again the woman screamed "oh my god! How can that be justified?"

The doctor replied.. "same illness, better health plan."

Where do all the tw*ts in California live?

In silly c**t valley

Well that's my one for the weekend ta ta

Jake was dying. His wife and relative sat solemnly by his bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " His wife replied reassuringly

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace, come closer"

He whispers in her ear "I slept with your sister and your Mother, I'm so sorry, ashamed, but you must know the truth, my soul must rest, please forgive me"

"I already know" she whispered back, " now just rest and let the poison work you f...ing b...stard."

Daddy balloon and Mummy balloon and little boy balloon were in bed. Boy balloon couldn't sleep so he thought he'd get in with mum amd dad. He tried to squeeze in but couldn't fit so he thought, "I'll let some air out of my mum" still couldn't fit in. "I'll let a bit of air out of my dad", Still couldn't fit in. He thought I darn't let any more air out of Mum and Dad so he let some air out of himself, he still couldn't squeeze in so he let a bit more air out of himself and he just squeezed in.
Next morning he woke up, went downstairs and his Dad said to him. " Sit down here son. About last night, not only did you let me down, you let your Mother down, and most of all you let yourself down.

Mrs Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.
suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. henry she said Ive just received a letter from mother saying she isnt accepting our invitation to come and stay as we do not appear to want her.what does she mean by that .i told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience you did write didnt you. er yes i did said the husband but i couldn,t spell convenience so i made it risk

One night aburglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice:
Jesus is watching you!!! He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again. Jesus is watching you!!! he hears again. So now the burglar has a really good look around, and sees a parrot in a cage in the corner. He says to the parrot: "Did you say that?? " The parrot answers "yes" , so the burglar asked "What's your name ??" The parrot says: " Clarence " The burglar laughs and replies: "What stupid idiot names his parrot clarence?? ". The parrot laughs and says: "The same stupid idiot that named his rottweiler jesus !!"

can we ban far-lands from this sub forum?

Why ?? They are not that bad are they ???

Or feed him to jesus
I did laugh at that last joke!
so maybe not so harsh with a ban!

now! If its good jokes your after then...

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park the car man!

Admins - could you please get that ban enforced on JG ??
His last one was awful !!

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins"?
The woman replies, "No, actually he's 9 years old and she has only just turned 8.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't f...king believe you got sh**gged twice"

well if I`m gonna get a ban, then I`m off in style!

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?
A: Dung!

Q: Have you heard about the new corderoy pillows?
A: They're making headlines!

These two strings go into a bar, and ask for a drink. The bartender says, "Hey, I don't serve your kind here, you're just a couple of strings!" One of the strings ties his ends together and says, "Frayed knot!" Get it? Frayed knot? Oh wait, maybe that's not how it goes, it's...hey, wait! Come back!

Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense?

Can someone shoot jaygee ??

please ??

Hi my name is JayGee, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long!!!

You are like KFC... a hot bird with a greasy box.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and coming and going and coming and going and coming ...

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

Is that Windolene? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead ... yield?

Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

he offered his honour,
she honoured his offer,
and all night long it was
Honour and Offer

Lets see if I can post a worse joke than Far-lands

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they
had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because
no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided
to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a
batch of medals."

"I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh * t."

can we fire a mod.?

...NO !

is this see who can post the worst joke

Gorilla walks into a pub and orders a pint and a packet of crisps. He pays with a 20 pound note and gets 5 pound change. Drinks his beer and eats his crisps and leaves. The next day he comes back in and orders a pint of beer and a packet of crisps. Pays with a 20 pound note and gets 5 pounds back. The barkeepers wondering why a gorilla goes into a pubs starts talking to the gorills. 'Hi' says the barman, 'hi' says the gorilla. The barman ' We dont get that many gorillas in our pub' to which the gorilla replied' not surprising at the cost of a beer here"

What's ET short for?

He's only got little legs!

Q: Why does Rupert the Bear wear yellow and black chequered trousers?

A: Because he's a f***ing twat.

How do you make a cat go woof?

cover it in petrol and throw a match - WOOF

BUT I will have the last word

a bit of concrete goes in a pub, orders a beer.
all of a sudden a bit of motorway in the corner screams to the barman:

"Don`t serve him, he`s a cycle path"

Its the way I tell em

Sorry, I couldn't resist this one...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a
family in Egypt and is named Amahl while the other goes to a family in
Spain and is named Juan.
Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother and upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl.
"But they're twins," says her husband, "If you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl.

going a bit off subject here far-lands, that was quite funny

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian

While interviewing an anonymous SAS soldier on his sniper skills, a Reuters News agent asked the soldier what he felt when shooting members of Al Qaeda in Afghanistan.

The soldier shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

What's black, white, black, white, and green?

Two skunks fighting over a pickle.

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

A man was driving down the motorway at 65mph, when he is overtaken by a chicken .. with three legs!.

He speeds up to see if he can get a closer look, pulling level with the chicken at 80 mph. However, before he can get past, the chicken accelerates away, leaving him in a trail of soft, downy feathers.

Not to be outdone, the guy puts his foot down, reaching 100mph, but still can't get past the bird.

All of a sudden, the chicken sticks out a wing and darts for the exit. The man follows through twisty country lanes, in an amazing high speed chase, that ends only when the the chicken disappears into a farmyard.

He pulls in, and spots a farmer.

"Excuse me, is that your 3-legged chicken?" he asks.

"Argh, 'appen it be!", replies the farmer.

"That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen - where'd you get it?"

"Well it do be loike this .. Oi breed 'em meself. Ya see, Oi loike a leg, Ma loikes a leg too, an' me son do loike a leg an' orl!"

"Flipping brilliant" says the man, "and how do they taste?"

"Oi dunno, never caught one!"

Why do women have legs?

I'll let you lot think about this one, and post the answer later...

to stop them leaving trails behind them?

jaygee, you're too good at it ...

What do you do if you see a fire man?

put it out !!

teacher asked the kids in school "class who can do the best farmyard impression?"

little laura stands up "moo moo" miss

"good girl"

little robert stands up "baa baa" miss

"good boy"

little helen stands up "grunt grunt" miss

"good girl"

little tommy from Somerset stands up and says

"GET OFF MY FUCKING TRACTOR"

put it out man!

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is packed to the rafters. In his bid to break the ice with the audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old man in the front row jumps up and shouts "Play a Jazz Chord! Play a Jazz Chord!"

Stevie's chuffed that there is an appreciation for jazz in the audience so tinkles out an Eflat9 with a diminished fifth arpeggio and proceeds to improvise around it brilliantly for ten minutes or so.

When he finishes the place goes wild but the old man continues to shout "No, no, play a Jazz Chord! Play a Jazz Chord!"

Stevie, a little vexed, but being a professional counts his band in and they proceed to weave a complex musical web of be-bop scales over D9sus4 for twenty minutes or so.

The roar of approval from the public is deafening, but the old man leaps out of his seat and continues to shout "No, no, play a Jazz Chord! Play a Jazz Chord!"

Stevie's had about as much as he can take and says to the old man, "You come up here and do it".

So the old boy clambers up onto the stage, grabs the mike and starts to sing...

..."A jazz chord to say I ruv you..." Geddit!!???!

teacher wants to hear from the kids an animal begining with A
little jonnys hand shoots up!
but the teacher remembers that jonny can be a bit rude at times and asks emma

ape says emma, good girl replies teacher. jonny was`nt happy.
and an animal begining with B asks teacher,

Jonnys hand shoots in the air, me miss me miss. no, thinks teacher, and asks dean.
Bat says dean. good boy, this goes on till Y and no one knows except jonny.

me miss miss me screams jonny.
teacher think damm, awell, yes jonny

jonny replies Yak miss.
teacher say well done jonny,

jonny: "yeah Yak with f*ck*ng normas B*LLl*CKS miss

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you

to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want

after all you're the guv'... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not

just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I

fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to

fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific

Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right,

you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the

end of his tether...

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

these jokes are getting worse...

you're right Bbully, so lets make them even worse ...

# What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
# A tuba toothpaste.