From the mouths of babes...
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the
chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then. -- Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the
same kids. -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --
Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig,
age
9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that - - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never
going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --
Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --
Kelvin,
age 8
And the #1 Favourite is...
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a bus. --
Ricky, age 10
Germany's English-speaking crowd
In association with The Local
In association with The Local
Jokes
No chat, just jokes
4 people in the carriage of a train - a Welshman, a pretty young blonde
girl, an ugly old woman and an Englishman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark
there's
the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the
tunnel
the Englishman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his
cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the
dark
and she slapped him".
The pretty young blonde thinks "I bet the Englishman tried to fondle me
in
the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".
The Englishman thinks, "I bet that Welshman fondled the blonde in the
dark,
but the blonde thought it was me and hit me".
The Welshman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I
can
slap that English tw*t again".
girl, an ugly old woman and an Englishman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark
there's
the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the
tunnel
the Englishman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his
cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the
dark
and she slapped him".
The pretty young blonde thinks "I bet the Englishman tried to fondle me
in
the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".
The Englishman thinks, "I bet that Welshman fondled the blonde in the
dark,
but the blonde thought it was me and hit me".
The Welshman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I
can
slap that English tw*t again".
A Classic, but I seem to remember it a little different Andrea !!
doesn't the "thumbs up" mean "F-you" in some places (perhaps like in the one pictured below)?
... but not as far as these chaps
Some one liners
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
>checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two
>men and a woman.
>For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door
>and handed him a gun.
>"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
>circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
>Kill Her!
>The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The
>agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
>and go home."
>The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
>went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
>with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
>The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
>
>Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
>to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
>were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
>on the walls.
>After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
>stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
>
>
>"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
>with the chair."
>
>MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them Pass on this
>advice !!
>checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two
>men and a woman.
>For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door
>and handed him a gun.
>"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
>circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
>Kill Her!
>The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The
>agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
>and go home."
>The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
>went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
>with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
>The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
>
>Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
>to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots
>were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
>on the walls.
>After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there
>stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
>
>
>"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
>with the chair."
>
>MORAL of the story: Women are evil. Don't mess with them Pass on this
>advice !!
A Classic, but I seem to remember it a little different Andrea !!
Sorry Farlands...is this your versionFarlands thinks "if we go through another F** tunnel I'm gonna scream...because I just know Thomas the Tank Engine is due to go by and I don't have his number yet"
What do you call a man with a pile of leaves on his head?
Russel
Russel
Sorry Farlands...is this your version
Farlands thinks "if we go through another F** tunnel I'm gonna scream...because I just know Thomas the Tank Engine is due to go by and I don't have his number yet"
Don't be silly Andrea, everyone knows Thomass' number is 1.
Farlands thinks "if we go through another F** tunnel I'm gonna scream...because I just know Thomas the Tank Engine is due to go by and I don't have his number yet"
Ah, another trainspotter ...
Bombay TV:
This is great, just select the movie and add your own subtitles! Then send it to mates.
Enjoy:
http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/index_uk.php
And here's some examples...
http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=707707
And http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=702662
http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=702951
http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=702702
This is great, just select the movie and add your own subtitles! Then send it to mates.
Enjoy:
http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/index_uk.php
And here's some examples...
http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=707707
And http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=702662
http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=702951
http://www.grapheine.com/bombaytv/play_uk.php?id=702702
Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 3 raw chilli's, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, all topped off with 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, washed down with a litre of prune juice."
Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for ...
The doctor comes back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS."
Elton is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
Doc says "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 3 raw chilli's, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, all topped off with 1/2 box of All Bran cereal, washed down with a litre of prune juice."
Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your arse is for ...
Some more oldies.
A dwarf walks up to a farm-house.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he said to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of a horse?" He replies.
"A female horth" says the dwarf.
So the owner shows him a mare "nithe horth says the dwarf, can i thee her eyth?"
So the owner picks the dwarf up to show him her eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf " can I thee her teeth"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf and shows him the horses teeth.
"nithe teeth, can i thee her eerth" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a bit fed up, but, again he picks up the dwarf and shows him the horses ears.
"nithe eerth" he says "can i thee her twot?".
With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him
out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says "perhapth i should weefwaze that. Can i thee her wun awound?"
...
Scottish bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry do you know me"?
"She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!
"His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. He says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"
No she replies coldly "I'm your sons' English Teacher.
A dwarf walks up to a farm-house.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he said to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of a horse?" He replies.
"A female horth" says the dwarf.
So the owner shows him a mare "nithe horth says the dwarf, can i thee her eyth?"
So the owner picks the dwarf up to show him her eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf " can I thee her teeth"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf and shows him the horses teeth.
"nithe teeth, can i thee her eerth" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a bit fed up, but, again he picks up the dwarf and shows him the horses ears.
"nithe eerth" he says "can i thee her twot?".
With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him
out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says "perhapth i should weefwaze that. Can i thee her wun awound?"
...
Scottish bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry do you know me"?
"She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!
"His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. He says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"
No she replies coldly "I'm your sons' English Teacher.
The dwarf shakes his head and says "perhapth i should weefwaze that. Can i thee her wun awound?"
Now that was a good one - I really laughed ...
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