Jokes

A drunk is sittin on the kerb in front of a bar.

A local priest comes along and asks him if he's ok.

The drunk says. "Do you know who I am"?
The priest said "no who are you my son"?
"I'm jesus christ and I can prove it". He takes the priest in to the bar.

The bartender looks up from what he's doing and screams "Jesus Christ are you here again"

David Beckham is at a training session.

He say's I like them coz they make my "breath fresh" There's stunned silence for a moment then someone shouts "TACTICS not tic tacs dickhead".

A lady walks into an upmarket car dealership and spots the perfect car.
She goes over to inspect it.
As she bends over to feel the fine upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
Very embarressed she looks around to see if anyone had noticed.
She turns back to find a salesman standing next to her. "How may we help you today madam" he asks.
Very uncomfortably she asks "what is the price of this wonderful car?".
He answers "Madam if you farted just touching it. You are going to shit yourself at the price.

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look".

"Fck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies "I've been raped by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with £2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.

The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.

The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the £2000 in the drawer.

The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its rear end when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?"
"No way," said the zoo keeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Frenchman into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its rear?"

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

Two little girls were at the zoo looking at the crocodiles
"they look like they are asleep the way they lie there so still!" one of them said to the other.

Overhearing them the zoo keeper said "don't let em fool you, why only last week a little girl leaned over and the croc dragged her in and ate her"

The first girl looked horrified and asked "did it eat her whole ?"No said the keeper ,He spat that bit out!!"

I see that they are not having any Christmas lights in Vietnam this year, they are only hanging Glitter

A year ago, some Boeing employees on the late shift decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is automatically activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

The Death of Santa Claus
There are about 2 billion children of the age 18 or below in the world, but since Santa Claus will ignore those believing in Islam, Hinduism, Judaism and Buddhism (except Japan), therefore according to the data from Census, the workload of Santa Claus includes only 15% of all the children, i.e. 378 million. According to statistics, there are on average 3.5 children in each family, so if we assume that there is at least one good child in each family, then Santa Claus has to go to 108 million families.

Thanks to the self rotation of the earth and different time zones, if Santa Claus starts his journey from the East, and goes along to the West, then he would have around 31 hours of Christmas to finish his job. In this period, he must visit 967.7 families per second, i.e., putting the gifts in the stockings, placing the remaining gifts under the Christmas Tree, climbing up the chimney, jumping on to the sleigh and depart for the next family.

For simplicity, let us assume that the 108 million families are evenly distributed on the surface of the earth. Then, the average distance between 2 families are about 780m, and the whole journey is as long as 75,500,000km, and this doesn't include taking rests and going to bathroom. Therefore the Santa Claus's Sleigh needs to travel in a speed of at least 650km/s, about 3000 times the speed of sound. Comparatively, the fastest ever artificially accelerated solar probe - Ulysses, travels at a sluggish speed of 27.4km/s only. Superman can fly at 1km/s. An ordinary reindeer at most can just run at 15km/h.

There is another issue about loading. Assume that the gift that each child receives is just an ordinary Lego package (about 2 lb), then merely the gifts will consist of 500,000 tons. On earth, an ordinary reindeer can pull a weight of 300 lb. Assume that a flying reindeer has 10 times the power of an ordinary one, then Santa Claus still requires 360,000 flying reindeers to transport the gifts. But the total weight of 360,000 flying reindeers itself weights over 54000 tons, together with a sleigh that can afford such a weight of loading, this makes the total weight over 600,000 tons. This is about the weight of 30 Godzilla, or 78 Queen Elizabeth Ocean Liner.

Similar to a space shuttle traveling back to earth, an object of 600,000 tons traveling at a speed of 650km/s in the atmosphere will have friction with the air and generate heat. The 2 reindeers in the front of the group will absorb 1.43 x 10^19 Joule energy per second, this make the poor reindeers explode in an instance, and the power will involve all the other reindeers behind and all of them will explode into ashes. Furthermore, the Ultrasonic wave pulse generated by traveling at 3000 times the speed of sound will destroy all the troop of reindeers, the sleigh and the gifts, everything will dissipate into thin air in the period of 0.00426 second, this is exactly when Santa Claus reaches the 5th family.

However, all of the above are not important anyway. This is because when Santa Claus accelerated from rest to 650km/s in a period of 0.001 second, (recall that Santa Claus need to visit about 1000 families in 1 second) he must withstand 17,500G of gravitational acceleration. Even if Santa Claus is as slim as 250 lb only, he will still be crushed onto the backseat of the sleigh by 4,315,015 lb of pressure acting on him, crushing his organs and skeleton in an instance, leaving only a mince of meat.

Therefore, if there were Santa Claus, he would be dead.

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired navy chief in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her; feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired chief and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old chief replies, "No problem, just get that f*****g lion out of the way first."

A man takes his wife to the live stock show.
They start heading down the alley that house all the bulls. The sign
on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last
year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in
a year, isn't that nice!"
They proceed to the next bull and his sign states: "This bull mated
65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This
one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: "This bull mated
365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

Fed up, the man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if he
had to shag he same cow every day.

A gentleman staying at the Ritz removes a card offering se*ual services
from a telephone box in Piccadilly. Back at the hotel he rings the number.

A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of
assistance.

The gentleman says, "I'd like a bl0w job, some missionary work, a little
doggie-style, some mild bond@ge, finishing off with a pearl necklace.
What do you think ?"

The lady says, " I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might
like to press 9 first to get an outside line."

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at
the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all traveling at maximum
velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with
airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

Irish engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and the gun
was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out
of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two
and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a
bow.

The horrified Paddies sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for
suggestions.

You're going to love this... Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

'Defrost the chicken.'

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh
prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the
window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him
said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."
Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you,
I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on
this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the
window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled
back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could
hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting
needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop
that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman,
"I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of
the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train
alarm cord.
The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined ?200
for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when
the police smell your fingers."

This guy lying in a hospital bed says to the nurse
> "Hows about a kiss nurse"
> "No" says the nurse.
> "Go on. Just one kiss"
> "No" says the nurse.
> "Please. Just one kiss".
> "No" says the nurse. "I shouldn't even be giving you a wank".

Two PLO vets are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of
fermented goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, he's a martyr."

"You must be so proud" says the other.

"This is my second son. He is a martyr also."

"A fine looking young man", replies his friend.

"And this is my third son. Like his brothers, he too is a martyr."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second vet says wistfully,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Is this the EU Express.?

[img]http://vorlon.cwru.edu/~kalele/mirrored_album/funny/aah.jpg[/img]

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total
silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do
to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling lost. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promisedhimself.

Suddenly, through the dark shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."

The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing by the fence alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Anxiously, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key, and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know #### ### about cars!"

Prince Charles was driving around the Windsor Castle estate when he accidentally ran over his mother's favourite corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass, totally distraught. The whole world was against him anyway, and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly, he noticed an old oil lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up, started cleaning it up, and immediately a genie appeared.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward, I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman named Camilla," and he showed the second photo to the genie. "You can see that Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and, after a few minutes, said, "Let's have another look at that dog."

At last - decent chain letter as opposed to the normal and stupid chain letters or pyramid schemes. This one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this email to six (6) of your mates or work colleagues.

INSTRUCTIONS
Anesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.
Soon your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women will be at least:

- 0.5 miss worlds

- 2.5 models

- 463 wild nymphos

- 3,234 good-looking nymphos

- 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms

- 41,743 bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 65,641 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER
One bloke, for example, who sent the letter to only five instead of six of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 5th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are another 452 packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS EMAIL
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life!

No expensive meals out, and no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you can screw her. No further obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate... send this letter today to six of your best friends or work colleagues NOW!

PS. Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.

PPS. This letter may also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

In America they put woman on a pedestal but in Wales they've put her on their national flag.

******************************************************************************

A man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the village.
He asks the old man what his name is, but the old man gets very irate at this point and says:
- See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell!
- See those railway lines over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they hell!
- See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell!
- But, a long long time ago, I fucked ONE sheep...

************************************************************************

The Welsh Assembly announced recently the opening of Wales's second airport, the Gurnos Estate International Airport in Merthyr Tydfil.
The first flight to arrive was the 11.50 Virgin Airlines Cross-Atlantic flight from America. The people from Gurnos estate were so excited that they raced to meet the flight, as it was the first Virgin seen in the area for 20 years.

*********************************************

C: Faint o athrawon prifysgol sydd rhaid am newid bwlb golau?
A: Pedwar cant ac un. Un i wneud y gwaith, a phedwar cant i sefyll mewn pwllgor yn Aberystwyth i gael gair am "ffilament".

*******************************************

PRESS RELEASE:
Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion this coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope. "It's is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth, with the country side closed off and so many dead sheep, our women are bound to be getting a bit more attention" said Gwyn Lloyd Jones of South Glamorgan Health Trust.

The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has reported that they are overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop to sheep farming in Wales for good. "It's wonderful. All the women in our village are getting some at the moment", said a 25 year old fat Welsh munter.

***************************************

In the beginning, the lord God almighty turned to his best mate, the archangel Gabriel, and said: "Gabby, today I am going to create a beautiful part of the earth and I will call it Wales. I will make a country of breathtaking blue lakes, rich green forests and dark beautiful mountains. Which from time to time will be snow covered. I will give it clear, swift rivers, which will overflow with salmon and trout. The land shall be lush and fertile on which the people can raise cattle and grow their food, as well as being rich with precious metals and stones that will be sought after the world over.

Underneath the land I shall lay rich seams of coal for the inhabitants to mine. Around the coast, I will make some of the most beautiful areas in the world. Golden sandy beaches and cliffs that will attract all manner of wildlife. With lots of islands that will be like a paradise to all who visit them. In the deep blue waters around the shores, there will be an abundance of sea life. The people who live there will be called the Welsh and will be the friendliest people on earth."
"Excuse me sir," interrupted the archangel Gabriel, "dont you think your being a bit too generous to these Welsh?" "Don't talk rubbish," replied the lord. "Wait till you see the neighbours I'm giving them"!

hehe

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his
name on the group mailbox. While he is there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment
next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young lady and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming." He goes with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.
 
Being completely nude, she purrs at him: 'What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out: 'Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
 
She's astounded, 'Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100 per cent natural. My buns, they are firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite. Look at this skin, no blemishes or
scars. Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?"
 
Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers, 'Outside when you said you heard someone coming?...That was me!!!"

In support of the new gay "marriages," IKEA have apparently announced that they are now selling the latest in lesbian beds; no screwing involved, its just tongue and groove...

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

Before he could finish the old lady fainted!

Mad Mary was speeding around the mental hospital, as usual, in her wheelchair.

Mad Joe stopped her and asked for her licence ... "shit" she said, and sped off around another corner.

Mad Jim then stopped her and asked for her insurance... "*uck" she says and took off again at an incredible speed ...

Rounding a notorious corner, she met Big John standing stark naked with a most massive erection ...

"Oh no!" she says ...

Not the breathaliser again ...

quite funny actually. The welsh love their committees.

Just for the Welsh

Roedd bachgen bach o'r enw Dewi yn cerdded trwy ei bentref, yn bownsio pe+l i'r geiriau: "B*****d Saeson prynu tai! B*****d Saeson prynu tai!"

Wel, pan aeth Dewi heibio'r capel, dal yn canu "B*****d Saeson prynu tai!", daeth y gweinidog mas. "Dewi, paid a+ ddweud pethau fel 'na - pechod mawr yw e!" dywedodd e. "Mewn lle, dylet ti ddweud rhywbeth fel 'Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal.'"

Yn awyddus i foddhau, sgipiodd Dewi i ffwrdd, yn bownsio'i be+l ac yn canu "Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal! Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal!"

Pan aeth Dewi tua'r capel eto, roedd e'n dal yn canu: "Iesu Grist cafodd ei eni mewn stabal!" Felly dywedodd y gweinidog iddo fe, "Da iawn, Dewi! Nawr, wyt ti'n gwybod pam cafodd Iesu Grist ei eni mewn stabal?"

Meddyliodd Dewi am foment, ac wedyn dywedodd: "B*****d Saeson prynu tai!"

As you are a moderator Mac you could delete your own post

I had an escape route already planned

snippet from forthcoming big brother board game

You sly bugger

Must be read with an Italian accent

One day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. In a morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss on my plate. She says you better no piss on the plate, you sonna na bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calls me a sonna na bitch.

Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tells me everaone wanna fock. I tella her "You don't understand", I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna na bitch.

So I go back to my room ina hotel and there in no shits ona my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit ina bed. He say you better no shit on the bed, you sonna na bitch.

I go to the chack-out and the man at the desk say "Peace to you". I say "piss on you too, you sonna na bitch. I gonna back to Italy.

Doesn't anyone proofread anymore???

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:

CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNOR'S DAUGHTER
[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[ That'll stop 'em. ]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges!
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not peeing in your pants.


Dunno about anyone else, but i'm still firmly rooted in stage 1 !!! god bless santa !!

Jeez Number 10 - can we have advance warning in future! The newspaper headlines had me laughing so loudly that work came to a standstill for half-an-hour while I explained them to those present whose English wasn't quite up to the job!

This was sent to me this morning by one of my German colleagues ...he thought it was a typical british
joke and everyone in our office found it hysterical ...there's no hope for them I tell you
...we're all doomed, doomed I say

Hope this ones not already on here, have not read all the jokes. here goes...

O sama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the
letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides
had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for
help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

@ Neil - that is actually quite funny (just ruined by "the way they tell em").
@ jaygee - yes is has, but always worth a repeat, that one

hey Vloid ...you've been here too long mate :excl: ...I'm getting worried about you now

Just call me Herman from now on.

A man pushes a sheep into the bedroom and says "Darling, this is the pig I shag when you have a headache"

His wife turns round on the bed and says "That is a sheep!"

Makes a nice change for the Welsh to get ribbed by the Scottish

Sorry Mike, you must be right - I think I've become native. I really don't get it :$

He was talking to the sheep!

:$ Doh!

Still, it's a laugh, isn't it?
What is?
That noise you make in the back of your throat when you hear a joke.
Yeah, that's a laugh, yeah.

Things to ponder

Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid git?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

Who Needs a Man ?

If you want someone who will do anything to please you, get a dog.

If you want someone who will bring you the newspaper without tearing through it first for the sports page, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's so glad to see you, get a dog.

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him and never says his mother made it better, get a dog.

If you want someone who's always eager to go out any time you ask and anywhere you want to go, get a dog.

If you want someone who can scare away burglars without waving a lethal weapon around, endangering you and all the neighbours, get a dog.

If you want someone who never touches the remote, couldn't care less about Monday Night Football, and watches dramatic movies with you as long as you want, get a dog.

If you want someone who'll be content just to snuggle up and keep you warm in bed, and who you can kick out of bed if he slobbers and snores, get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes anything you do, doesn't care how good or bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, never complains, and loves you unconditionally all the time, get a dog!

On the other hand...

If you want someone who never comes when you call him, totally ignores you when you walk in the room, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, prowls around all night and comes home only to eat and sleep all day, and acts as though you are there only to see that He's happy...
…
…

Get a CAT!