Jokes

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Katy-Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Katy-Sue got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Katy-Sue didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Katy-Sue with me."

One day there was a knock on the Pope's office door. When he answered it, the salesman said, 'Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you.' After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, 'I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lord's blessing from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'daily chicken'.'

The Pope said, 'I'm sorry we just cannot do that.' The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting. He returned to the Pope's office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million.

The Pope gently declined, again. The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offering of 10 million. The Pope said, 'Let me think it over.'

The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, 'Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us 10 million dollars to change the Lord's Prayer from 'daily bread' to 'daily chicken'.

The bad new is that we will lose the Wonder Bread Contract.

After spying a beautiful blonde walking by, a man says to God, "God, why did you make blondes so beautiful?"

God responded, "So you would love her."

"But God", the man replied, "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God replies, "So she would love you."

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

LETTER

Dear IT Support,

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates
4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with
several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2
and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 which I tried had many
bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down
completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend
1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when
these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my
hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover
that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife
1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to
use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
Free Sex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I then discovered that Wife 1.0
can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I
made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be
deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgot about
them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn
filter, and can,without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip!

These latter products have no help files and I have to try and guess
what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating
regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also
Hairstyle Express, which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Wife1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my
resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to
try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often
crashes or runs the system dry.

Wife1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which
can't be turned off.

Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be
problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it tends to delete all my MS
Money files before un-installing itself.

_________________________________

I seen several other versions of that joke too, but that one is the best!

After 50 years of happy marriage to Lena, Ole becomes very ill and realizes that he will soon die. In bed one night, Ole turns to his wife. ‘Lena,’ he asks. ‘When I am gone, do you think you will marry another man?’ Lena gave it some thought. ‘Well, yes,’ she said. ‘Marriage has been good to me and I think that I surely will marry again.’ Ole was taken aback. ‘Why Lena,’ he cried, ‘Will you bring your new husband into our house?’ ‘This is a fine house,’ said Lena, ‘Yes, I think we will live here.’ ‘But Lena,’ Ole gasped, ‘Will you bring your new husband into our bed?’ Lena said ‘Ole, you made this bed, a good strong bed. Yes! Sure I will bring my new husband into this bed.’ Ole gulped. ‘But Lena,’ he said in a quite voice, ‘...You won't … ah … let your new husband use my golf clubs, will you?’ Lena smiled at her husband. ‘Oh, Ole!’ she grinned, misty-eyed. ‘Of course he won't use your golf clubs! He is left-handed.’

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You're Drunk

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

Things That Are VERY Difficult to Say When You're Drunk:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When You're Drunk:

Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you

Nope, no more booze for me

Sorry, but you're not really my type

No kebab for me, thank you

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

I'm not interested in fighting you.

Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing

No, I wont make any attempt to dance thanks, I have zero co-ordination.

Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to urinate over the nearest cash machine or shop front.

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN:
by Dave Barry, Nationally Syndicated Columnist

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine . . . They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Our most versatile word... by its stress and inflection it can describe many emotions. No other word can be used with so many grammatical usages.

It can be used as a noun (I don't give a fuck.), as an adjective (It's a fucking beauty.), as a verb in its transitive form (he well and truly fucked it up), in the past tense (I was fucked), in the present tense (I am fucked) and in the future tense (well I'll be fucked).

Many everyday expressions show its true versatility:

Denial I didn't fucking do it.
Perplexity I know fuck all about it.
Apathy Who gives a fuck anyway?
Greetings How the fuck are you?
Resignation Oh fuck it.
Derision He fucks up everything.
Suspicion Who the fuck are you?
Panic Lets get the fuck out of here.
Directions Fuck off.
Disbelief How the fuck did you do that?

"Hello, ... and welcome to the mental health hotline...

*If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

*If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

*If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

*If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.

*If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship.

*If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.

*If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press, no one will answer.

*If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

*If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until
a representative comes on the line.

*If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's
maiden name.

*If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and
c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

*If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep,
or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

*If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

*If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too
busy to talk to you.

*If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up

A man was standing next in line at a checkout, when the attractive blonde woman in front of him turned around and gave him a big smile.
"Hello," she said, as she waited for her change. "Er, I'm sorry. Do I know you?" The man said in some confusion.
"Oh, my mistake. I thought you were the father of one of my children," she said apologetically, and picking up her shopping, she left the store. The man was astonished. He thought, "How amazing that a good looking woman like that should have forgotten who fathered her children." Then he began to worry. He had an encounter in his youth that could have resulted in a child he didn't know about. She had been blonde, pretty, and about the same height. On leaving the store, he saw the woman getting into her car. He ran over to her and said, "Look, you couldn't have been the girl I met that night at a party in Hampstead, in 1980 could you? We sh@gged on the billiards table in front of everyone, things got really wild and I got so drunk that I didn't get your number."
The woman looked utterly outraged and said, "No! I'm your son's English teacher."

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Joe, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad
news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition,
which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates
one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove
the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in
20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As
he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new
suit ." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ?Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, ?That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years".

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around
the shop and the salesman asked ?How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, ?Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old.

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would
press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion ? PRICELESS

Politically uncorrect joke of the day...

"I was asked to run a marathon,

I said, "no way."

They said 'come on, please, it's for spastics and blind children.'

So I thought, fuck it, I could win this."

CHINESE SICK LEAVE -- "I NOT COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. Makes everything feels better and I can go to work. You try it.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house!

Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."

St Peter: "Not likely!"

Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."

At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.

St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."

Jesus: "Bugger off!"

Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."

Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.

Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."

God: "Tell him to get lost!"

Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."

God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fuckin' wooden one!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

An Englishman, an Irishman and an American were standing in a bar at the top of a luxurious hotel. They had all had a few too many and suddenly the American says, "Watch this" and he goes to the balcony and throws himself off.

A minute later, the American reappears beside the two in the bar. "Bloody hell, how did you do that?" says the Irishman. "I wanna have a go at that!" Then he goes to the balcony and throws himself off. He falls flat on the ground and is killed instantly.

Ten minutes later, the American goes and does exactly the same thing again and reappears beside the Englishman in the bar.

"Bloody hell!" says the Englishman, "I wanna go at that!" and he runs to the balcony and throws himself off. Instantly, he is killed.

The barman turns to the American and says, "Superman, you`ve gotta stop being such an arse when you`re pissed."

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell ! you, that was a damned fine
sermon. Damned
good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity".

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be
in good health, they
were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him
pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack
of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt
to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to
arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to
her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told
her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh
Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

The 12 days of Chavmas...

On the 1st day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

On the 2nd day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, two tracksuit tops
And a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

On the 3rd day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, three navel studs,
Two tracksuit tops
And a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

On the 4th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, four stolen phones,
three navel studs, two tracksuit tops
And a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

On the 5th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, fiiiveee gooolldd
riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit tops
And a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

On the 6th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, six teens a-laying,
fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two
tracksuit tops
And a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

On the 7th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, seven scallies
stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen
phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit tops
And a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

On the 8th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, eight midriffs
showing, seven scallies stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd
riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit tops
And a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

On the 9th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, nine ladies
drinking, eight midriffs showing, seven scallies stealing, six teens a-laying,
fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two
tracksuit tops
And a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

On the 10th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, ten lads
joy-riding, nine ladies drinking, eight midriffs showing, seven scallies stealing,
six teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three
navel studs, two tracksuit tops
And a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

On the 11th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, eleven prammers
pushing, ten lads joy-riding, nine ladies drinking, eight midriffs
showing, seven scallies stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd
riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit tops
And a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

On the 12th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, twelve chavvers
chavving, eleven prammers pushing, ten lads joy-riding, nine ladies
drinking, eight midriffs showing, seven scallies stealing, six teens
a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel
studs, two tracksuit tops
And a pikey in Bur-be-rr-y.

4 Doctors boasting about their own countries progress in medicine

An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."
A British doctor says: "That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
A Zimbabwean doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain - made him President, and now the whole f…king country is looking for work.

David Blunkett shows up at the Home Office for work.

His secretary says, "What are you doing here, you got sacked?"

He replies, "I know. I wish someone would tell this fucking dog."

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in...

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply
addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".
With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read, "Dear
God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in
the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas
and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"
The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on
the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.
The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets
and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96. Using an official
franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and
for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the
nice thing they had done.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed
to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around
while the letter was opened.
It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for
me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for
my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our Vicar is beside himself
with joy.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
Bastards at the Post Office."

-------------------------
Alcohol is the anaesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.

A man walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up, the traditional toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Gee," the man says. "I'm really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."

"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"

The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner. Will Blitzen do instead?"
Thread List Earlier Posts All Posts Page: 1 ... 18 19 20

How To Give a Pill To Your Cat.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop
pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Put plaster on right thumb. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill
away. Put plaster on left thumb.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees while holding front and rear paws. Ignore
low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler while rubbing
cat's throat vigorouslly.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to
humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away.
Apply plaster to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another
pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to
neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with
a dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back
on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check
medical records for date of last tetanus jab.
Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call the fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree
across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last
pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.
Get heavy duty pruning gloves from shed and force
cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of
water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the hospital, sit
quietly while doctor stiches fingers, forearm,
chest and face and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to
order new table.

15. Arrange for USPCA to collect cat and call local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Double Entendres - TV's Hilarious Gaffes

MIKE Hallett on Sky Sports discussing snooker during a match where Steve Davis kept missing easy pots "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edward's tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, the commentator observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

USPGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my god! What have I just said?"

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics - "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

(non sports) Chris Tarrant discussing the first Who wants to be a Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

click pic to expand

Grretings cards for Chavs

Police have today admitted that George Best was not in fact buried in Belfast last week and that in retrospect the decision to cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning might have been a mistake.

Excellent!!!

He also left Callum three million pounds, However,it’s thought he'll have trouble taking that many

empties to the local off license

George Best is lying in intensive care, where he has been for several months. The nurse comes in, leans over closely to his face and whispers: "George, I have some good news and some bad news".

George opens his eyes weakly and says "give me the bad news first".

"You've only got one hour to live." she says.

"And what's the good news?" he asks.

"It's happy hour!"

Classified Ad: Husband Wanted

A lonely woman, aged 80, decided that it was time to get married. She

put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she

opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are

you? Just look at you...you

have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and

said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

A Sweet Story!

A heart warming story for the upcoming Season

Last year, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Xmas Shopping
done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas
season. It was dark, cold, and wet in the multi story Car park when I
noticed that I was missing the shop receipt which I would need To get out of
the car park without paying. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my
steps to the shopping centre entrance. As I was searching the wet pavement,
I heard a quiet sobbing.

The crying was Coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10 years old. He
was short and Thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel
shirt to protect him from the cold evenings chill. He was holding two fifty
pound notes in his hand. Thinking that he had got lost from his parents, I
asked him what was wrong and he told me his sad Story.

He came from a large family. His father had died when he was seven years
Old. His mother worked two full time jobs to make ends meet. Nevertheless,
She had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds to buy her children
Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second
Job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his brothers and
sisters and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered
The shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed two of his fifty pound notes
and disappeared into the night. "why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did." "and Nobody came to help you?" the boy stared at the
ground and sadly shook his head. "how loud did you scream?" I enquired. The
soft-spoken boy looked up And meekly whispered, "help me!" I realised that
absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for Help.

So I grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and f*cked off.

Effective personality test here...

Personality Test

Do not click if easily offended!!

Health and Fitness - Your questions answered

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets and remember, "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO! what a ride!"

Fantastic Neil!

20 Things you can only get away with saying at
Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

3. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

4. I've never seen a better spread!

5. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

6. Are you ready for seconds yet?

7. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

8. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

9. Don't play with your meat.

10. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will
go.

11. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these
people at once?

12. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same
time!

13. You still have a little bit on your chin.

14. How long will it take after you put it in?

15. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

16. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

17. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

18. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

19. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and
still want more!

20. I do like a good stuffing.

A beautiful woman was walking down the street when she was approached
by a man. The man said, "You are perfection, ... and I must have you right now!
I'll drop £500 on the ground at your feet, and in the time it takes for
you to pick it up, you let me have my way with you roughly from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called
her friend on her mobile phone and told her about the man's
proposition. Her girlfriend said, "He's an idiot, take it 'cos, when he
drops the £500 on the ground, I'm sure you can pick it up and run
before he even gets his pants down."  Call me back and tell me what happened," the friend says.
 
An hour and a half later the lady had still not called back so her
friend called her, "Well? What happened?" the friend asked.
The lady, breathing rather heavily, said,  "It's in 50-pence coins"

I'm off to the bank to get some change !!!

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

Question which would you use??? Now read further down!!!

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug."

Three men were sitting together bragging how they had given their new wives housework duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania. He bragged
that he had told his wife she was to do all the washing up, laundry, dusting
and cleaning in the house.
He said that this would take a couple of days. On the third day he came home to a clean house, and the dishes were all washed and put away, the laundry too had been done.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, washing up and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he did not see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Britain. He boasted that he told his wife that her duties were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said that on the first day he did not see anything, the second day he still did not see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.

Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.

"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became great friends."

"Excellent!!! So,... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, the man returns and his wife asks,

"Did you have a good trip, dear?"

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great... but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't... I put them in your tackle box!"

Tony excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"

His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her".

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day on the Jack Nicklaus course in Montana.
This course had a particularly difficult hole,
and Moses expressed his doubts that
Jesus could make the shot over the water.

"Watch this, Moses, I think I can do it," exclaimed Jesus.
"I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,
and if Arnold Palmer can do it,
then so can I."

Moses rolled his eyes and let Jesus try.
Sure enough, the ball splashed into the water.
Moses parted the water for Jesus,
who went in to retrieve his ball.

Jesus, however, was not ready to give up.

"I know I can do this, Moses -- I've seen Arnold Palmer
do it, and if he can do it, then so can I."

True to form, however,
Jesus' ball ended up back in the water.
Moses parted the water,
and Jesus went in to retrieve the ball.

"Look, Jesus," said Moses. "Try again if you like,
but I'm not parting the water for you again."

"Fair enough, Moses," said Jesus.
"But you know, I've seen Arnold Palmer make this shot,
and if Arnold Palmer can do it, then so can I."

Once again, Jesus' ball was in the water.
Jesus proceeded to walk upon the water to get it.

Another group of golfers came up behind Moses
and saw Jesus walking on the water.
"Holy Cow!" one of them said to Moses.
"Who does that guy think he is, Jesus ?"

"No," said Moses, rolling his eyes.
"He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."