Jokes

What! You didn't understand something Columbus wrote? Shocker! He must have relapsed. A month or so of relatively coherent, albeit daft as a brush, posting has taken it's toll on him. Poor lad must be exhausted.

Exactly. Going by his recent posts, which atleast were 'coherent' by his standards, I was hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe there is some hidden joke in his post. Alas ...

@TDH,
Use search function is outdated. Advanced KEYDECK is the order of the day!
Store1
Store2

Some good jokes stand in memory and this is just one of them.

'edit'
@Keydeck, WTF? You just cant see the subtle way of reminding duplicates here.

Sorry, mods, pls remove the chats here. Thanx.

[sorry again mods, remove this one too]

In my defence I did try searching but the first didn't show up due to slightly different wording.

Also, there is only ONE wife store

@sgb,
Never mind. your post was little spicy than the earlier.

[img]http://www.smileyhut.com/silly/tomaatit.gif[/img]

3 Lions Joke

Q: What's a lion running a copy machine called?
A: A copycat!

Q: Why are lions religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

> A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
>
>
>
> After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
>
>
>
> The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous at
the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start
to get nervous, I take a
>
>
> sip."
>
>
>
> So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
>
> At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
>
>
>
> He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>
>
> Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following
note on the door:
>
> 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
>
> 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>
> 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>
> 4) Jesus was consecrated,
>
>
> not constipated.
>
> 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>
> 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>
> 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.
>
> 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
>
> 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't
say he was stoned off his
>
>
> ass.
>
> 10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
>
> 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me".
>
> 12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry".
>
> 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, Yeah God.
>
> 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

No... not again!

So anyway...

There was this short, fat, balding company director in his early fifties with pots of money, flash cars, lovely home and nobody to share it with. He'd tried all kinds of dating agencies, Russian and Indonesian husband seekers, but none seemed interested in him. Everytime he went to the bathroom he stared down at his tiny member and cried.

Then one day at his Harley Street doctor he started to 'open up' about his loneliness and his fear of spending his twilight years with all this money and no love. The doctor asked him to drop his trousers and on seeing the tiny member suggested that for a moderate fee a very special operation could be performed to alleviate the problem.

The doctor led him through a door marked 'Private' and into an incredible operating theatre with a huge cryogenic filing system. The doctor reached down to a drawer near the bottom, pressed a small button on the side, and in a swirl of mist the illuminated drawer opened automatically to reveal an 8" penis on a bed of ice.

"As a good customer, to you I would perform the operation for £250,000" said the doctor.

"£250,000?" replied the man, "I can go much higher than that. Show me something bigger".

The doctor pressed the button and the drawer closed. He pressed another button about half way up and a drawer opened to reveal a 12" penis. "This one," said the doctor, "will set you back a million".

"Money is no object" said the man, "What's the biggest thing you've got?"

The doctor closed the drawer and reached right up to the top. The very topmost drawer opened above them. The doctor pulled over some steps and invited the man to climb up and look.

"FUCK ME!!!" exclaimed the man, "That's gotta be, what? 21 INCHES and 3 INCHES IN DIAMETER???" He climbed back down to the doctor and asked, "How much?"

The doctor explained that this one is very rare and will cost ten million pounds.

"No problem" said the man, "I have the money...

...only...

...can I get it in white?"

Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children are.

The first mother tells her friends,"My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to
put you both down but my son is a Cardinal.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her a subtle, "Well .??"

She replies, "My son is a handsome, 6' 2", hard-bodied, Chippendale's stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say, 'Oh, my God!''

Innocent Assumption / Misconceptions

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure, In Africa they didn't know what 'food'
meant, In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, In Europe they didn't
know what 'shortage' meant, In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant, In South America
they didn't know what 'please' meant, And in the USA they didn't know what
'the rest of the world' meant!!!

And Clarence Thomas doesn't know what her ass meant!

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.
The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were true
I knew just what
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

Remote Island Paradise

After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she’s come from.

“I was shipwrecked last year,� she says. “I’ve been stranded on the other side of the island.�

“Where did you get the rowboat?�

“I made it out of gum trees and palm branches,� she replies.

“But you had no tools!� he says.

“I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue.�

The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can’t believe his eyes. They sit down, and she smiles at him. “Now, tell me,� she says, looking deep into his eyes. “Is there something you’ve been desiring while you’ve been alone? You know… �

“Do you mean,� he whispers, “I can check my E-mail from here!?!�

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than she is.

Another forward...

VIRUS ALERT! -- Who is affected?? Think abt this guys

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called
Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else, via any means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!! This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

And the final one...

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, small
people talk about others... But legends never talk, they FW: mails .

A primary school teacher starts a new job on Mersyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why pray tell, are you a United fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug dealer and car thief, what what you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

This one goes out to bluedave:

A burglary was recently committed at Manchester City's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen.

The police are looking for a man with a light blue carpet.

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.
The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it."

"No taxes."
"No debt."
"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."
"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."

"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."

"All night having sex."

Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

They say it will take two weeks to make Gene Pitney a coffin from Oak, but only 24 hours from balsa...

Apparently the latest craze in bars in Dublin is for men to drink vodka through a straw straight from a young woman's privates.

The government is very concerned about this latest outbreak of minge drinking

funnily enough i got that in the email about a month ago, however it was in german.

...

I only got it yesterday, but twice within one day from two completely different sides -
once in English and once in German.

As posted previously in Easter fun...

...

In bed with her lover after several hours of passionate lovemaking, Brenda's phone rang. She told her lover, who was also her husband's best friend, to be very quiet.

As she answered the phone, he listened quietly to her cheerful side of the conversation.

"Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, really? Well, that sounds wonderful! I'm so happy for you! Great! Okay, have a good time. Bye!"

She hung up the phone and her lover asked, "Who was that?"

She replied, "That was just my husband, telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

FW: An engineer as a boy friend

1: Secure lifestyle

An engineer boyfriend can provide you with a secure lifestyle. At 27 years old, an engineer probably has a respectable, stable job that gives him high income to own a car, invest, have a comfortable life, and get married and buy a house too. Law graduates are still working as a lowly apprentice in law firm, most management graduates have just failed on their first business plan, the arts graduate is still looking for a job, and the medical school graduate is still living in a hospital.

2: Unmatchable industriousness

An engineer boyfriend will dedicate an unimaginable amount of his time and effort to understand you. Engineers strain really really hard to understand their work. You can believe that they will try really really hard to understand women too, just like how they understand their work, once they believe that you are the one. So even if they don't understand you initially, they will keep on trying. Even if they still do not understand, they will figure out the correct method to keep you happy (e.g. buy diamond ring = 1 week's worth of happiness.) And once they find out the secret formula, they will just keep on repeating it so that the desired results appear. Unlike the Lawyer who will argue with you, the Management graduate who will try to control your spending, the Arts graduate who will 'change major', and the medical school graduate who will operate on you. And you know what, it's really so easy to make engineers believe that you are the 'one'. Say that you like one of their projects and they will be hooked to you forever.-

3: An engineer boyfriend will never betray your trust.

Let me first tell you what is wrong with the rest of the others - the lawyers will lie about everything, management graduates will cheat your money, the arts graduate will flirt, and you probably just look like another cadaver to the medical school graduate. Your engineer boyfriend is either too busy to have an affair, and even if he does, he is too dumb to lie to you about that. Hence, an engineer is the most secure boyfriend that you will ever find - rich enough, will keep on trying to understand and please you, has no time for affairs, and too dumb to lie to you.

Management Lesson

Why were the Germans called "Jerries " ?
If you cover your mouth with your hand to try to conceal your laughter, it may appear that you are laughing up your sleeve.

Credits to Jimbo

Q What do Kiwi Blokes use as an aphrodisiac?
A Mint Sauce

At a busy bus stop in New York city, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

An old woman sat reflecting on her long life when all of a sudden her Fairy Godmother appeared and offered to grant her three wishes. The woman thought briefly and asked for youth and beauty and with a flick of her wand the Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into a young beautiful princess.

"You have one more wish - what shall it be?" she said

The princess, still quite stunned by her transformation, looked around and noticed her cat looking up at her from the fireplace.

"Can you turn my cat into a prince?" she asked

"Yes, if that's your wish" said the Fairy Godmother

And with another flick of the wand the cat became a handsome prince.

"Now it is time for me to leave" said the Fairy Godmother, and she dissappeared in a puff of smoke.

The princess felt weak at the knees as the prince walked slowly towards her, took her in his arms and brushed his lips across her ear whispering...

"I bet you're sorry now you had me neutered"

Nice one Rebecca.

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the Mersey.

She went down to the river and was about to leap into the freezing water
when a handsome young scouse sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier head,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm
off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my
ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all,what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get
food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said, this is the Isle of Man Ferry!!!
_________________

Good one !

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and he boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?"

To which the man replies, "Those are called condoms, son... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see", replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. "One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men" the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men... One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Great!!!

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish...49
Adventurous...Slept with everyone
Athletic...No t*ts
Average looking...Ugly
Beautiful...Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure...On medication
Feminist...Fat
Free spirit...Junkie
Friendship first...Former sl*t
Fun...Annoying
New-Age...Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded...Desperate
Outgoing...Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...Sloppy drunk
Professional...B*tch
Voluptuous...Very Fat
Large frame...Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...Stalker

It's reported that on their wedding night the following took place:

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she
found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's,
which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to
their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Phillip's.

As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on
the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing
me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigour, but
it was stuck fast.

"Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed,
"There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, "See?
I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh,
my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Phillip turned to the Queen and said,
"That's my boy - Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

FAIRY TALES

CINDERELLA

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demanded the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hour ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother,
He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power!
Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, "I don't remember exactly
Peter, Peter, something or other.

PINOCCHIO

Pinoccho had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggest he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said 'Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like in the book."

MICKEY & MINNIE MOUSE

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she´s f**cking Goofy."

SNOW WHITE

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying. "Lie to me, Lie to me!"

Did you know that Captain Hook died from jock itch (think out it...)

JANE & TARZAN

One day, Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have s#x.
"What's that?" he asked
She explained to him what s#x was and he said "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs.
"Here," she said "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees" said Tarzan.

A mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the engine of a Jaguar when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his garage.
The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, could I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, take a look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the office Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the Chief shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £5 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for Chester House! The Chief will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

******************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

******************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that £5 is too much money and executives believe £5 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

******************************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR
To: All Employees
DATE: October 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea about the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, yes, this is allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

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FROM: Patty Lewis, Head of HR
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: October 05, 2005
RE: The F****** Holiday Party

Vegetarian pr**ks - I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ******* salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The B**** from H***!!!

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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Head of HR
DATE: October 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

The Japanese eat relatively little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Japanese drink relatively little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Italians drink generous amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and other fatty foods and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

What do an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common?

You often hear about them, but you never see one.

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

There were three blokes talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, 'Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?'

The third fellow says, 'I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.'

The first two blokes were amazed. 'What happened then?' they asked.

'She said, 'GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!'.'