Jokes

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

Two eggs are boiling in a pan, one male and
one female. The female egg says "Look, I've
got a crack!" "No good telling me," replies
the male egg, "I'm not hard yet."

If big boobed women work at hooters, where do one legged women work?
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ihop

One day(sometime in the year 2020) in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...it's a lot cheaper than a doctor."So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid repetitive activity. It will improve in two weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener - Aisle 16
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo - Aisle 23
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

Two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says , do you know how to drive this ?

I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had
to cut back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a
big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she came home
from grocery shopping the receipt included 45 quid in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't given up
anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "f *k off, that's what the beer was for!"

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong
taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with
an unpadded hammer.

A voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For, ****ís sake, you
*****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

Not a joke. Statements made by the most powerful man in the world. Also termed as Bushism.

in a recent survey into blow jobs and why men like them so much, 10% like the feeling, 12% like the excitement and 78% just like the fucking silence ...

two dwarves pull two birds & take them home. first dwarf can't get it up & to make things worse all he can hear all night is the second dwarf saying '1, 2, 3 uuuhh!',. the next morning the first dwarf says to the second dwarf 'how embarassing ! i couldn't even get an erection' the second dwarf says 'you think that's bad, i couldn't even get on the fucking bed !'

Two Irish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's body parts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly,

"So... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

This joke was submitted by James Lytthans of Anaheim, California, on the Prairie Home Companion Newsletter from http://mpr.org.

In an attempt to thwart the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

A Bear. a lion and a Chicken are talking. The Bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear".

The Lion says, "If I roar in the savannah the entire savannah is afraid of me".

The Chicken says, "Big deal. I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself".

A captain calls his sergeant into his office.
"Sarge I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.
Go tell him then send him in to see me."

The sergeant steps outside and has his troops line up for morning formation.
"Listen up men," he says, "Johnson, your on KP. Everyone else clean the bunks.
Oh and Jones, your mother died yesterday. Report to the Captain.

The next day the captain calls in the sergeant and says, "Sarge, that
was a cold way to tell Jones his mother died. And I just learned now
that Mcgrath's mother has passed away. Please inform him at roll, but
be more tactful this time.

"Understood, sir," the sergeant replies. He steps outside and calls for his
troops to fall in formation.

"OK, everyone with a living mother, take two steps forward, "yells the sergeant."
"Not so fast, Mcgrath!"

Awesome Presence of Mind

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter."
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot.
Which place are you from?"
John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.
John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."

"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.
John replied, "Which team did she play for?"

Another forward mail...

One Liners!!!

Like energy, love can neither be created nor destroyed. It can just be
transferred from one girlfriend to another girl friend.

Keep your office clean .. stay home!!!

Be quiet in the office, respect the fact that others sleep!

reasent studdi haz shon dat peepal hoo aar vary samaart end gud lukeeng maik
manee spallings meestaikes... vaat ees yorr opeeniun?

When you get this E MAIL, send it to 1 person u love, 1 u hate, 1 u always
think of and 1 u wish to kill. Now, keep guessing why I sent it to u.

The IDEAL man does not smoke, does not drink, does not flirt, goes to bed
early, in short ... does not exist

Sometime my mind asks why I miss you? Why I care for you? Why I remember
you? Then my heart answers it's simply because mental patient needs more
care.

who is friend? F-First R-Relative I-In E-Every N-New D-Difficulty!!!

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, small
people talk about others & legends never talk, they send E MAIL.

Love is about sweet nothing, Marriage is about nothing sweet.

NOBODY like U, NOBODY cares for U, NOBODY misses U, NOBODY wants to see U
good, NOBODY is Ur best friend, NOBODY is happy with U...Dont cry!!! My name
is NOBODY(now read it again).

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unphased, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container...

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM "

Jack and Jill are playing hide and seek.

Jill says to jack..
"if you find me, you can lick my pussy and fuck me up the arse!"

If you cant, I'll be in the shed!

After digging to a depth of 1000 metres last year, Scottish Scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to The
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network a
thousand years ago.

Not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug
2000 metres and headlines in the English papers read: "English
scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have
concluded that our ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital
network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After
digging as deep as 5000 metres , Irish scientists have found absolutely
nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, our ancestors were
already using wireless technology".

Copper wire was invented in Scotland resulting from two Jocks fighting over a two pence piece.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken lights up a smoke, turns to the egg and says smugly;
"Well I guess that answers that question."

[img]http://img162.imageshack.us/img162/9964/cureforbirdflu9ld.jpg[/img]

you know why women fake orgasms? they think men care.

you know why women wear white to there wedding? So the dishwasher matches the refridgerator and the stove.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong?" says Jesus

The Scouser shouts, "F*ck off, I'm on disability benefit!"

This was already posted Jokes.

Much funnier the second time around. As Frank Carson would almost say - "It's the way I spell 'em"

Who am I to disagree?

Columbo: Don't know if it was posted before. Can't be arsed to read the whole 37 pages...

A Texan Is drinking in a New York Bar. He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texan baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say, you're the father of that typical Texan baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born.
The Texan father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

@ profundus, What was the joke again?

Whats the difference between women in church and bathtub?
One has hope in her soul...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired
for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to
call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister
noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with
water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer
resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about
this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking
Through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the
ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

Use Search function, dontchya?

And now the one liner:

Whats the difference between a rabbit and a man?
The rabbit rocks the nut and cracks it.

Home Truths

Sarcasm may be the lowest form of wit... but it's still funny.

There is no worse feeling than leaving your mobile at home and then returning to no missed calls or messages.

There's nothing you could wish for in life that you couldn't buy from a man in a pub. The trick is to find the right man in the right pub.

Attention fat people! Diet Coke is not a magic potion.

Never go to Wolverhampton. It's not the end of the world, but you can see it from there.

People who say "I'm beside myself" are often liars, with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.

Having "juicy" written across your bum does not make it any smaller or more desirable.

Under no circumstances should two men ever share the same umbrella.

Chips should never cost more than a pound.

Practitioners of alternative medicine should be banned from using hospitals. Broken your leg? In unspeakable pain? Have a little faith. Put a crystal on it - you'll be right as rain in no time.

Never channel surf on Sky when there is a break. Every channel will have a break at the same time.

If you can't believe it's not butter, you're an idiot.

Cats know more than they let on.

Lenny Henry isn't very funny.

Beginning a sentence, "Now, don't get angry..." will always have the reverse effect.

No t-shirt is ever worth more than £15.

Nobody has ever read the small print of a mobile-phone insurance contract.

You can't skip and be unhappy at the same time.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither works.

It's impossible to make any lie believable by beginning with the words "In America..."

A baby on board sticker on your car's rear window serves no purpose other than to advertise your fertility. Congratulations on being a parent, but the motorists around you weren't planning to plough into the back of your car deliberately.

Never trust a man with a comb-over. If he's lying to himself he's likely to lie to you too.

Never "Reply to All". You're not as funny as you think you are.

It is impossible to sing Copacabana without wiggling your shoulders.

Never weigh more than your fridge.

Always judge a book by its cover. It has been specifically designed to target a certain audience so you can pretty much tell whether you're going to like it or not.

There is an inversely proportional relationship between how acceptable a person is and whether or not they have chosen an ringtone with "crazy" in the title.

Nothing productive can come from just nipping in for a quick pint at two in the afternoon.

The only people you should address as "brother" are your male siblings, masons and monks.

Men who download Page 3 girl pictures for their mobile - take a long, hard look at your life !

If you drink bitter or stout, you invariably are.

You can live your life through a computer.

The baddie is always English.

Camouflage clothing is rendered useless in towns and cities.

You are not a vampire, you are just a goth. Live with it.

With the exception of two groups (those under the age of 12 and Orientals) anyone taking regular martial arts classes is compensating for serious personality disorders.

Basic Military Truisms

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
--------------------
"Aim toward the enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
--------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - US Marine
Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
--------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - US Air Force Manual
--------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - US
Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways." - US Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
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Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David
Hackworth

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"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush." -
Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." - Anonymous
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
--------------------
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old
SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
--------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
--------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
--------------------
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor
--------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
--------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If
a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ... the pilot
dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
--------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are:
"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Sh*t!"
--------------------
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
--------------------
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
--------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up
there!"
--------------------
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."
--------------------
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it."
--------------------
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day."
--------------------
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
--------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
--------------------
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
--------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." -
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,
--------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
--------------------
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is
much more difficult to fly there."
--------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The
pilot's
reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray
Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

and believe me, we know

my all-time favourite ...

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pity-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." "Well, sweet-cheeks," he replied, "In my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, Bitch."

Two clergymen were discussing the sad state of sexual morality. "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," one of them declared self-righteously. "Did you?" "I'm not sure," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

A man was sleeping in his house. Suddenly yamaraj, the Lord of Death appeared & said, "go out & enjoy. Nothing will happen to you for the next 10 years."
He did so & met with an accident & died.

On the way to heaven is the hell...saw yamaraj whistling n relaxing. He asked yamraj, why did you lie to me.

"Sorry son, appraisal time, had to achieve target..."

What's the diffrence between a man climbing a flight of stairs and a woman looking down on him? - One is stepping up the stairs, the other is staring down the steps.

THE SNAKE

An old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."

The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

Honey moon:

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in Munich, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the New Husbands Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow!" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it". Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

The New Wives Store was across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

What do you call a women that works as hard as a man???

A lazy Bitch!

There are two Husband stores on TT

So a man walks into this shopping mall and bumps into this Lady with her two kiddies. "Sorry Lady?" he says. "Are they twins?" The Lady looked at him and smiled and said: "Heavens no! One is 12 and the other one is 8! Why do you ask?". The man replied:"Well, your so f@+*ing ugly, I cannot see how anybody would want to f*@$k you twice!"

Me a bit dumb.. . Can you please explain the joke ??