Jokes

hilarious blonde joke

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.
They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?
"Well, I see thousands of stars."
And what does that mean to you?"
"Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Good Bye Mom!!!

I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around.

Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on. Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," I said to her, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mom?' It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it.

As the old woman was leaving, I called out, "Good Bye, Mom!"

As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was $1027.50.

"How can that be?" I asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

Love vs Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a fast food take-out.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding on a sofa.
Love is talking about having children .
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.
Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is a tarmac drive.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering television.
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
In short
Love is Blind...
AND
Marriage is an eye opener!!!

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel and lets get the Hhell out of here!"

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury and greets one.

The patient replies"

“Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o’ the pudding race,

Aboon them o’ you take your place,

Painch, tripe or thairm,

As langs my airm.�

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

“ Some hae meat and canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat and we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit.�

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"We sleekit, cowerin, timorous beastie,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickerin brattle.�

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks “What kind of facility is this? A mental ward�

“No�, replies the doctor.

“This is the serious Burns unit.�

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior centre and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

Shit!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior centre

Chuck Norris - Deadliest Man Alive.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." Then you are dead wrong.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Cool puzzle
A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened.

A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve."
The member replied, "six " and was let in.

A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six."
The member replied, "three" and was let in.

The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The
doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five."

But he was not let in. What should have he said?

Ans: 3

The man had to reply the number of characters in the word the Doorman
was asking.

He should have replied "Three" instead of "Five".

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to
the United States. He stops the first person he sees
walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.
American for letting me in
this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free
medical care and
free education!"
But the passerby says "You are mistaken, I am
Mexican". The man goes on and encounters another
passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful
country here in America!" The person says "I no
American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he
sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful
America!" That
person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle
East, I am not an
American!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks
suspiciously, "Are you an
American?" She says, "No, I am from Russia!" So he is
puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The Russian lady
looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at
work

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows,

"All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of assholes!"

A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?"

The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are faggots!"

Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

What animal has a cunt half way up its back?

A police horse!

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and
spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very
fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your
second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off
across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the
Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed
a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last
request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone."

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him
square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For
the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!"

Getting Drunk!

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he can not be served additional liquor at this bar, and offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish cries,

"MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?

Maybe this has been posted already, but this version is the best.

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Seamus the co-pilot.
As they approached Dublin Airport, they looked out of the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is"
"You're fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Seamus.
"Right Seamus. When I give the signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can"
said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Seamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy.
"I be doing dat already" replied Seamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Seamus full of nerves and sweaty palms.
As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Seamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Seamus and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Seamus "Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life."
Seamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is!"

>>HOW TO POOP AT WORK
>>
>>We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
>>back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down
>>below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
>>WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
>>following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
>>
>>CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk really fast around the office
>>so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff
>>but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this.
>>Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra
>>30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
>>
>>FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in
>>and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
>>leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT
>>FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly
>>going into the bathroom.
>>
>>ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
>>forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden
>>wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
>>acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
>>next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No
>>one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
>>Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
>>
>>JAILBREAK When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
>>gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
>> If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
>>everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness
>>of what just occurred.
>>
>>COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
>>hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has
>>to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
>>doing the WALK OF SHAME.
>>
>>WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
>>after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
>>uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with
>>farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
>>avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
>>
>>OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER A colleague who poops at work and is damn
>>proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter
>>the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always
>>look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
>>entering the bathroom.
>>
>>THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band
>>together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.
>>This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The
>>Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
>>
>>SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
>>you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly
>>of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your
>>sex entering the bathroom.
>>
>>TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the
>>stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
>>shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop
>>at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd
>>Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
>>contact.
>>
>>CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
>>bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
>>WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective
>>when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
>>
>>ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
>>Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
>>doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave
>>the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
>>
>>WATERMELON A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
>>toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
>>Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
>>
>>HAVANAOMELET A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
>>splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
>>using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
>>
>>UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
>>Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or
>>sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax
>>while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the
>>bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
>>attendees

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said.

"I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard . He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms. Rowntree had been with All Sorts.

Wot no "liqueurs"?

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into
a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years
they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the
counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and
kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly, in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can bring her
here Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays I'm playing golf!

Why I sacked My secretary!!

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER. MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."

I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"

I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?"

SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE...

ON THE COUCH...

NAKED.

A gentleman was found digging a hole in his garden one fine spring morning. Queried as to why he was digging the hole he replied with an air of wistfulness that it was for his girlfriend. Queried further as to whether he was in any way disposed towards killing the girlfriend he proffered the information that she was a hunchback and that he intended to shag her.

This is not a joke this happened to me! Really!

This year, Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on the same day. As Air America Radio pointed out,
"It is an ironic juxtaposition: one is nothing but a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a groundhog."

P.S. Don't forget to play State of the Union Shots: Chose 5 key words which will be used in the speech and have a shot each time Dubyah says them.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

Three old ladies went for a tramp in the woods, but he got away.

For the birds...

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses. It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, *whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse had *actually been thrown* it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

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Congratulations - You have just learnt the offside rule

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for the job. Take you wife and go home."

The second man was give the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quite for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quite. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. " I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that asked "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

BEER THEORIES

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Babe Ruth

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~ Lyndon B. Johnson

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools."
~ Ernest Hemingway

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Paul Hornung

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
~ W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~ Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm. "It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather". Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "Okay, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." "How much was the sale for?" "124, 237.64. pounds."

The manager choked and exclaimed "124,237.64 POUNDS?! What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat."

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me a guy came In here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?" "No no no... He came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said... Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing!!!

SO INNOCENT!

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office.

He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"

Alex McLeish is desperate to turn round the flagging fortunes of the
Rangers team.
He hits upon the idea to study the coaching methods of George Burley at
Southampton, as the ex-Hearts manager had such a good record in the SPL.

So Big Eck heads down south to take in a Southampton training session
but sees nothing
that Rangers don't do in their workouts.
When they break for lunch Eck has a quiet word with Burley,
"How did you manage to get the Hearts boys in such good condition that
you were able to stay
top of the league ahead of they tattie howkers for so long?".
"Well I train them mentally as well as physically" Burley explains."I
keep them on their toes by asking them
tough questions that make them think deeply. This keeps them alert and
their reflexes razor sharp.
Let me give you an example." He calls over Nigel Quashie and asks him a
question .
"Nigel" he says "He is not your brother, but still he is your father's
son. Who is he?".
Like lightning Nigel replies "That's easy. Of course, the answer is me".
Burley pat's Nigel on the back and sends him away. "You see Alex" he
says, that's the way to keep them sharp."
Big Eck returns to Castle Greyskull and decides to try this at training the
next
day.
He summons wee Barry over and says "Barry, I have a question for you".
"Fire away gaffer" Barry replies.
So Eck continues "He is not your brother, but still he is your father's
son. Who is he?".
Barry blows out his cheeks, runs his hands through his hair and thinks
long and hard
"Eh...ah'm no' sure boss, it's a bit early in the mornin fur a tough
question like that.
Kin ah get back tae ye?"
Big Eck agrees to give him till the end of the training session to come
up with the answer.
Bazza has a crafty idea and goes up to Thomas Buffel and puts the
question to him:
"He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?".
Without hesitation Buffel replies "The answer is obvious, that is me".
At the end of training Eck summons wee Barry and asks him "So,have you
worked out the answer yet?".
"Yes" says Barry, full of confidence and chest pushed out with pride
"The answer is Thomas Buffel".
Big Eck throws his arms up in frustration... "Naw ya wee fannie!!"...
"the answer is Nigel Quashie!"

Danke Oma, Danke Opa

[img]http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d63/bhoywunda/pic063895gq.jpg[/img]

typical durham

http://londonbantercommittee.com/banterpor...ull=&pic_id=295

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears Formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay sh*t in our garden"

Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey

Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey

Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye and making love?
A bonky winky wonky donkey

Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love while
farting?
A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, making love,
farting and wearing blue suede shoes?
A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love,
farting, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

Q: What do you call a donkey with one leg, one eye, makin' love,
farting, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a Bus?
A F#%*in' talented!

He'll go far...

... but not as far as these chaps

[img]http://www.ultimate.eclipse.co.uk/links/892.jpg[/img]

Talking of war... here's my kinda laydy

[img]http://www.ultimate.eclipse.co.uk/links/my-bush.jpg[/img]

What do you call a bunch of Maoris on Prozac?
Once Were Worriers.

doesn't the "thumbs up" mean "F-you" in some places (perhaps like in the one pictured below)?

The Air Force found they had too many officers and NCOs and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Master Sergeant who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied "from the tip of my manhood to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old Sarge insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant to "drop 'em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Sarge's manhood and began to work back.

"My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

"Viet Nam" the old Sarge replied.

Irish Plasma Screen!

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

Not bad...

heard about the thalidomide porn star?
he's got an arm like a baby's cock.