Jokes

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he
called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious
that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment
and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip
home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet
him.
"Aha!" the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to
fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he
said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"
"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse, "Look what he did to my
tits!"

One day a lion was walking around the jungle sad and lonely, when he
spotted a monkey up in a tree.
He yelled up to the monkey to come down and play, but the monkey was
too scared. So the lion asked the monkey what he could do to make him
feel comfortable enough to come down.
The monkey said, "If you tie yourself up I'll come down."
So the lion ties himself up, but as the monkey came down he started
shaking.
The lion said, "Hey, monkey, you don't have to be scared! I'm not going
to eat you; I'm tied up real tight."
"I know," said the monkey. "That's not why I'm shaking."
"So why are you shaking?" asked the lion.
"Well," said the monkey, "it's just that I've never had sex with a lion
before."

this one is for baddoggie

CONFUSING ENGLISH

1. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

2. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

3. If olive oil comes from olives, where does! baby oil come from?

4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

6. Why the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

8. Why is it called building when it is already built?

9. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

10. If you're not supposed to drink and drive, then why do bars have parking lots?

11. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

12. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Human?

13. If working hours are meant for working, then why are you reading this!!!

George and Tony go to a whorehouse and knock on the door.
"What do you want?"
"We want chicks!"
"How much money you got?"
They searched their pockets and come up with 20 €.
"For that much money, go and fuck yourselves."
Fifteen minutes later they return.
"We fucked ourselves, now we came to pay."

George goes to meet his notorious techno-geek friend Tony in his office.
"Hey, George, how are you?"
"I`m good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!",
says George
"Well, I`m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she`s a robot!"
"No way, how could that be?", says George
"Way! She`s the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works.
If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her
right tit, she types a letter. And that`s not all, she can have sex,
too!"
"You`re kidding, right?"
"No, she`s something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."
So, George takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a
while.
Suddenly, Tony hears George screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp"
Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
Tony says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"

The best from a (long) list a friend sent me:

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

How the fuck is that funny??!

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windshield

Bird flu always reminds me of a joke I once heard the late great Ronnie Scott share on stage at his club in London many years ago:

Two cows meet. Says the one cow to the other cow: "Oi, you heard of Mad Cow Desease?" Says the other cow: "Doesn't bother me, I'm a chicken!"

A little Fun-Poetry I read some time ago:
God made things that creep and crawl
but British Rail it beats them all!!

Q. What's yellow and works of a 13 amp plug?

A. George Best

The Vietnamese aren't having Xmas trees this year. They are hanging up Glitter instead.

not funny.

The 6 year itch

6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.

6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!

6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, I'll never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

And not true anymore!

I think this joke is past its best

How do you stop an elephant from charging?

You take away its credit card.

(Hey, it's Monday, you expecting miracles?)

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and New Zealand
rugby fan are all in Arabia , sharing a smuggled crate of booze when,
all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere
possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia , so for the
terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are
all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they
were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life
imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their
trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could
be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow
each of you one wish before your whipping. The South African was
first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
" Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only
lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was
done he had to be carried a! way bleeding and crying with pain.
The Australian was next up. After watching the South African even two
pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again
and the Aussie was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say
anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most
beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in
the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the New Zealander
replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you
give me not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are
also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And what is your
second wish"?
"Tie that Aussie to my back."

The bad thing about good jokes is:

People often forget that they are already posted in previous pages.

Innocent, I did a search first.
OK, who is buried in Alexander the Grape's tomb?
- Alexander the Raisin

How do you get a tissue to dance?
Put a little boogie into it.

For those considering Marriage.

...

A blonde agrees to accompany a young guy on a date. On the fixed night this guy arrives at her house and knocks the door. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel.
"I`m sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I`ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though, they are both deaf mutes."
With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching golf on TV, and Mom is busy knitting.
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a glass of water over her fanny. Just as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief.
After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the on goings earlier in the living room.
At the end of the night, the blonde asks, "What`s the matter? Have I done something wrong?"
"No, its not you," he replied, "It`s just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked. Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that weren`t enough, your Father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a match stick by his eye."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the blonde.
The man can`t believe her casual response.
"That`s how they communicate!, Mom was simply saying, "Are you going to get this asshole a drink?" and Dad was replying, "No, fcuk him - I`m watching the match."

Chav Christmas Greetings, like, innit

On the 1st day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, a pikey in
Burberry.

On the 2nd day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, two tracksuit
tops and a pikey in Burberry.

On the 3rd day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, three navel
studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

On the 4th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, four stolen
phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in
Burberry.

On the 5th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, fiiiveee
gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two
tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

On the 6th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, six teens
a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three
navel studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

On the 7th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, seven scallies
stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four
stolen phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in
Burberry.

On the 8th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, eight midriffs
showing, seven scallies stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee
gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two
tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

On the 9th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, nine ladies
drinking, eight midriffs showing, seven scallies stealing, six
teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones,
three navel
studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

On the 10th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, ten lads
joy-riding, nine ladies drinking, eight midriffs showing, seven
scallies stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs,
four stolen phones, three navel studs, two tracksuit tops and a
pikey in Burberry.

On the 11th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, eleven prammers
pushing, ten lads joy-riding, nine ladies drinking, eight midriffs
showing, seven scallies stealing, six teens a-laying, fiiiveee
gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones, three navel studs, two
tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry.

On the 12th day of Chavmas my true love sent to me, twelve chavvers
chavving, eleven prammers pushing, ten lads joy-riding, nine ladies
drinking, eight midriffs showing, seven scallies stealing, six
teens a-laying, fiiiveee gooolldd riinngggs, four stolen phones,
three navel studs, two tracksuit tops and a pikey in Burberry

The Chav-tivity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe,
innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn
Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?'
Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.' Mary's
totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah?
I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an'
that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I
reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we
are gonna get.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an'
go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to
stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an'
enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an'
sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns
on their heads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say
they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein
an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's
all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got
another message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees.
You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you
think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an'
it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns
water into Stella.

APPY CRIMBO

News from Celtic Park today - due to consideration of the rangers fans and players the next old firm game will be huddleless.

Instead the team will form a triangle.

This is to show the beasts what 3 points looks like!!!

-----------
disgracefully copy and pasted from a celtic forum

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to..."I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the b!tch stole ma wallet !".

Pete the sewer worker has been in his job for twenty years and the town mayor decides to visit Pete at work and make a little presentation.

The mayor climbs down into the sewer and gets chatting to Pete about why he likes his job so much.

"Well" Pete says "My job is fascinating. You see that big turd floating past us now? That's from the carpenters. I can tell because you can see sawdust in it. Now this next one. That's from the gardeners. I can tell because it's got grass clipping s it. Now the big black turd coming into view now is from my wife".

The mayor is incredulous. "Pete, I can understand the logic behind the gardener and the carpenter, but how the hell do you know thatthat turd out of all the millions of turds in the sewer is from your wife?"

"Ahh, it's got me lunch tied to it."

A Beautiful story for all those who believe in LOVE...

A long time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it, God had put all the human "qualities" in a separate room.

Since all the qualities were bored they decided to play hide & seek.

"Madness" was one of the qualities and he shouted: "I want to count, I want to count!"

And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek "Madness", all the other qualities agreed. So "Madness" leaned against a tree and started to count:

"One, two, three..."

As "Madness" counted, the qualities went hiding.

"Treason" hid in a pile of garbage...

"Lie" said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake.

And Madness continued to count "... seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..."

By this time, all the qualities were already hidden except "Love ''. For stupid as "Love" is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide "Love".

"Madness": "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven..." Just when madness" got to one hundred..."Love" jumped into a rose bush where he hid.

And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming, I'm coming!"

As Madness turned around, "Laziness" was the first to be found, because "Laziness" was too lazy to hide. "Madness" searched madly and found "Lie" at the bottom of the lake. One by one, Madness found them all except Love.

Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love.

Envious of Love, "Envy" whispered to "Madness" "You only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose bush."

"Madness" Jumped on the rose bush and he heard loud cry. The thorns in the bush had pierced "Loves" eyes. Hearing the commotion God came into the room and saw what had happened.

He got very angry and cursed "Madness" and said since "Love" has become blind because of u ...u shall always be with him"

And so it came about that from that day on,

"Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness!"

Three men die on Christmas Eve and are met by
St Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," says Saint Peter,
"You must each possess something that symbolises
Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man goes through his pockets and
pulls out a lighter, flicks it on,
saying, "It represents a candle."
"You may pass through the pearly gates,"
says St Peter.

The second man pulls out a set of keys, shakes
them and says, "They're bells."
St Peter lets him pass.

The third man looks desperate and finally pulls
a g-string from his pocket. St. Peter looks
quizzical and asks, "Just how do those
symbolise Christmas?"

The man replies, "They're Carols."

Pay your bills

Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court.

He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.

Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes."

Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed the itching commenced and grew in intensity.

Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master.

Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours worked passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment.

However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master...

Moral of the story: Pay your bills.

Spot the ball...

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

Well Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly 8:00 a.m.

The next day at 8:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to
rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow
and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2
men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile
up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps
it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pull's himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday... "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles"

Funny

A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

EARLY RETIREMENT

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Doug. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie.

When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health insurance that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course bout the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour
or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the Club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the backyard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellas, even if you use just a little more tact and a little less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Doug

EDITOR'S NOTE: Doug died suddenly Thursday, 26 May 2005. He was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II (golf club) rammed up his behind, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.

Two guys are in a bar. they find out they have the same wedding anniversary.
One asks the other "what did you get your wife for your anniversary?"
The other man replied," A Jaguar and a Mercedes."
"wow thats weird why both?"
"Well if she doesn't like driving the jag she can drive the Mercedes. What did you get your wife?"
"A pair of slippers and a vibrator."
"wow that's really weird why?"
"well if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!"

Getting into the Christmas spirit...

...

...

..

...

An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

"My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Buckfast.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

The Glaswegian shouts, "f*** off, I'm on disability benefit

More Christmas spirt piccies

...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

...

I like this one! Heard it last night.

Sign outside fairground in Ireland:

BUNGEE JUMPING -- €15 per go. AMERICANS FREE (no strings attached)

Q. What goes 'Ooooo Ooooo'?

A. A cow with no lips.

Things you know because of TV...

- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

- All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

- It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

- The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

- You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home.

- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

- People of TV never finish their drinks.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- The chief of police is always black.

- When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

- If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

- Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

- If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

- Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

- All single women have a cat.

- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

- Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

- If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

- Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

- During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

- Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

- No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

- If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

- You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one.

- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

- Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

- Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

- Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.

- Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Blonde Detectives

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that." He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming. "Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."