Jokes

Subject: REVISED EUROPEAN ALERT LEVELS !!

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings; the threat
response level has just been raised from 'miffed' to "peeved' !
Soon though, the level may be raised yet again to "irritated' or even "a bit
cross". Londoners have not been "a bit cross" since the blitz in 1940, when
tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from
tiresome" to "a bloody nuisance". The last time "a bloody nuisance" warning
level was issued was during the great fire in 1666.

Observers should also be aware that the French government announced
yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide".
The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The
rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag
factory, an event that effectively paralysed their military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the
Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and excitedly"
to "elaborate military posturing".
Like France, only two more levels now remain, "ineffective combat operations
and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to
dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They also have two higher levels,
"invade a neighbouring country" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from
isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the middle-east ripe for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world"
and "beg the British for help".

Finally over there in Britain they are considering moving from "pretend
nothing's happening", to "make another cup of tea". The only higher levels
that are available are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win".

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang,bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

a dyslexic man walks into a bra.

the end.

---------

a man goes into a zoo.

it only had one dog.

it was a shitzu.

...

bit of a giveaway...

It's a camel toe with a bunion.

Please check out this psycho-analytic test - it gives amazing results!!!

Imagine you walked into a small hut by the river in the jungle. You
pushed open the door, in front of you were 7 small beds to the right of
the hut, and another 7 small chairs surrounding a small round table. In
the middle of the table was a round food tray with 5 kinds of fruit in
it . There are:
a. apple
b. banana
c. strawberry
d. peach
e. orange

Out of which you can choose one. Which fruit will you choose? Your
choice reveals about you!

For test results : scroll down

a. if you chosen apple: that means you are a person who loves to eat
apple if you have apple, banana, strawberry, peach and orange

b. if you chosen banana: that means you are a person who loves to eat
banana if you have apple, banana, strawberry, peach and orange

c. if you chosen strawberry: that means you are a person who loves to
eat strawberry if you have apple, banana, strawberry, peach and orange

d. if you chosen peach: that means you are a person who loves to eat
peach if you have apple, banana, strawberry, peach and orange

e. if you chosen orange: that means you are a person who loves to eat
orange if you have apple, banana, strawberry, peach and orange

Hey, don't kick me, I was tricked too... you can always kick the kicked
ones...

Roger the penguin? no thanks!

It was during the Afghanistan war. George Bush decides to go to a front-line village and inspects his troops. When he arrives in the village, he is very surprised to find a female donkey in the camp. "Geez," he says, "Why is there a female donkey in this battle field??" "Well," the soldiers answer with embarrassement, "The Talibans are bombing this place since several weeks, and all the village girls are gone. So, uh, when we need women, we only have this donkey to ...". "Fucking hell!" Bush angrily interrupts the soldiers, "We are great US Army! How could you do such disgraceful things?! I don't want to see this donkey around anymore! " So the soldiers chase the female donkey away. In order to strengthen the discipline and keep an eye on his soldiers, Bush decides to stay in the village and commands the operations. And the war goes on. After a couple of weeks, Bush starts to feel very much in need..of sex... "Well," he thinks, "My soldiers may be right. Life is tough here without sex! After all, a female donkey is better than nothing...". So he orders his soldiers to find the donkey back. Once the soldiers bring back the donkey, Bush jumps out of his office, unzips his pants, stands behind the donkey and starts to fuck the animal. When he finishes and feels finally released, he notices that hundreds of soldiers - amazed and stunned - are looking at him with big eyes. "Come on, guys," Bush says, "Don't look at me like that. Isn't it the way you all have been doing before?" "No, sir,", answer the soldiers, "Before, we used to ride this donkey and find women in the next village."

No offence please!!!

Trick or Treat.

Trick...definitely trick!!

[img]http://tinypic.com/f1ms04.jpg[/img]

lol

Authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of The Sun...
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Wales. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being Welsh?

They say swimming is good for you

especially if you're drowning.

These suicide bombers - What makes them tick?

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to
be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without
pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she
would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted
when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon
spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance
floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his
time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since
he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a
little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to
one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home
and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was
sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of
time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a
good time when you're not there."

Then she asked,"Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you,
I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill
Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and
played poker all evening." You must have looked really silly
wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with
unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my
DAD, apparently he had the time of his life."

U.S. President George Bush visits a school and explains his political actions. Later he invites the children to ask him questions. Little Bob rises to speak:

Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:

1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?

Just that instant the bell for the break rings and the children run out of the classroom.

When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them again to ask questions. This time Joey rises to speak:

Mr. President, I have got five questions to ask:

1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
5. Where is Bob?

A British doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for
work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can
take half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them
both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind,
we just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White
House, and now half the country is looking for work, and the other half
preparing for war."

Don't stop with just one. The effects are cumulative.

Those who already have high blood pressure, please avoid.

Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.

Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it fell asleep.

Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.

Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was a copy cat.

Q: Why did the fourth elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought this was all a game.

Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.

Q: What does an elephant and a blueberry have in common?
A: They're both blue, except for the elephant.

Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: Look, there are 1,000 elephants coming over the hill.

Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.

Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant?
A: First you bake a cake, and put 3 raisins on top, then you take it out in the jungle where the pink elephant will find it, and you wait. Eventually the elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the raisins and throws the cake away. Then you go home and bake another cake and put 2 raisins on top, take it out in the jungle where the elephant will find it. The elephant comes along, finds the cake, eats the 2 raisins and throws the cake away. You go home and bake another cake and put only one raisin on it. Then you trek back into the jungle and put the cake where the pink elephant will find it. The elephant comes along eats the raisin, and throws that cake away. Now you go home and bake another cake, but (here's the sneaky part) you don't put any raisin on it. You take it out into the jungle where the elephant will find it and lie in wait. The pink elephant comes along and finds the cake, he gets SO mad that there aren't any raisins on it, he turns red, then you jump on him, strangle him until he turns blue...and you shoot him with a BLUE ELEPHANT GUN!!!

Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Awaaa!!! Come on, have you ever seen a yellow elephant ?

Q: Why do elephants have red eyes?
A: So they can hide themselves better in cherry trees.

Q: Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No? See how well the trick with the red eyes works?

Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence.

Q: Where does an 8 ton elephant sit?
A: Any damn place where he pleases!

Q: Why is an elephant covered in wrinkles?
A: Ever try to iron one?

Don't kick me. I was also furious reading it first.

Q: How do you know if an elephant has been in your fridge ?
A. Footprints in the butter.

Q: How do you know if an elephant is in your local pub ?
A: His bike will be parked outside.

Q: How do you know if two elephants are in your local pub ?
A: Bent crossbar on the bike.

Q. What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A. Tarzan picking cherries.

Q. how do you know theres an elephant sleeping with you in your bed?
A. there'S an E embroided on his pjs.

Indian Yoga

Russian Yoga

Subject: New Orleans vs. Mumbai

I couldn't stop making this comparison.

inches of rain in New Orleans due to hurricane katrina... 18
inches of rain in Mumbai (July 27th)... 37.1

population of New Orleans... 484,674
population of Mumbai... 12,622,500

deaths in New Orleans within 48 hours of katrina... 100
deaths in Mumbai within 48 hours of rain... 37

number of people to be evacuated in New Orleans... entire city.. wohh
number of people evacuated in Mumbai... 10,000

cases of shooting and violence in New Orleans... Countless
cases of shooting and violence in Mumbai... NONE

Time taken for US army to reach New Orleans... 48 hours
Time taken for Indian army and navy to reach Mumbai... 12hours

status 48 hours later... New Orleans is still waiting for relief, army and electricty
status 48 hours later... Mumbai is back on its feet and in business is as usual

USA... world's most developed nation
India... third world country

oopss... did I get the last fact wrong???

This made interesting reading. I had been thinking along same lines, without the hard statistics. The way India swung its relief machinery into action post-tsunami was also commendable. Another fact could be added.

Even post-tsunami, India refused relief offers at strategic points - saying it could manage on its own. It gave relief to other affected countries like Sri Lanka.

US, apparently is accepting relief from any and everybody - including Cuba!

So that is a joke how, exactly? Maybe I'm dense (American after all) but somehow I missed the humour part.

Man goes to the zoo.
But when he arrives there's only a dog.
It was a Shitzu.

@zeotype

I feel the comparison you have "Copy Paste-d" is in bad-taste and request you to refrain from posting such texts... Besides, there is no humor in it ...

Here's some humor for you all ...

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her." Adam an swered, "Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'" So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes lat er, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress
Eve." And Adam said, "What is a 'caress?'" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Ad am returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss." And the Lord said, "You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?'" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in t wo seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache?'"

ok. I would like to apologize if anyone's sentiment is hurt.

and here's some humor for you all.

cheers

----------
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut up!!!"

----------
A young woman who was pregnant, boarded a bus. Then, when she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'. I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'. Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

The case was dismissed...

A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly
a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YELL tie, leans out the window and asks the
cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have
in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why
not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to
get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another
NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,
Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads
all of this data via an email on his Blackberry, and after a few
minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-
tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the
cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"
says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the
animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the
trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct,"
says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up
here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an
answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you
don't know anything about my business."

"Now give me back my DOG."

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that
despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with
yer. Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off
to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for
half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold
my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed,but says "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than
before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep
for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to..."I
know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem
hun".

Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind
blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in
de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser, the b!tch stole ma wallet !".

Recipe for Banana Bread

Ingredients:

2 Laughing Eyes
2 Loving Arms
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl
2 Large Nuts
1 Large Banana

Method:

Look into Loving Eyes.
Fold in Loving Arms.
Spread Well Shaped Legs.
Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.
Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.
Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl.

N.B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.

...one of the oldest out there, sorry.

YEAR 1981

1. PRINCE CHARLES GOT MARRIED

2. LIVERPOOL CROWNED CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE

3. AUSTRALIA LOST THE ASHES

4. POPE DIED

YEAR 2005

1. PRINCE CHARLES GOT MARRIED

2. LIVERPOOL CROWNED CHAMPIONS OF EUROPE

3. AUSTRALIA LOST THE ASHES

4. POPE DIED

IN FUTURE, IF PRINCE CHARLES DECIDES TO RE-MARRY ... PLEASE WARN THE
POPE!!

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson: Reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy:"Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't Let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being Charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. there's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy."

Little girl gets lost in Tescos, and a security guard asks her "what's your
mum like?"
Little girl replies "Big cocks and vodka".

A young man graduated from University with a degree in journalism. His
first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human
interest story. Because he grew up on a farm, he went back to the
country to do his research.
He went to a readhead's house, introduced himself to and proceeded to explain
to him why he was there.
The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made
you happy?"
The guy thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor`s
sheep got lost. We formed a group and found it. We all screwed it and
took it back home."
"I can`t print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people
happy?"
After another moment, the redhead said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor`s
daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big group that time
and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can`t print that either. Has anything ever
happened around here that made you sad?"
The guy dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds
looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."

Once upon a time, there were two guys Santa and Banta who wanted to pick
up women on a beach.
Banta had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular
guy on the beach. But Santa had no success.
Santa: "Banta! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful
women?"
Banta: "Well, I`ll tell you! But it`s a secret...just between you and
me. I don`t want my system to become too public."
Santa: "OK. Its a deal."
Banta: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to
the beach I take one and put it in my underwear. When the women see it
they come running from miles around."
Santa: "That`s it? I can do that."
The next day, Santa went over to the produce stand and picked out the
biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into
the changing room and slipped it into his underwear
. As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND
men began to take notice of him.
"It`s working!" he thought. But soon he began to realize that they were
not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight
of him.
So, Santa went over to Banta and asked "What`s the problem? Why isn`t it
working?"
Banta: "Because you`re supposed to put the potato in the front!"

SON: Dad, I have to do a report for school, can I ask you a question?
DAD: Sure son, what's the question?
SON: What is politics?
DAD: Well, let's take our home for example. I'm the wage earner, so let's call me Management. Your Mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid The Working Class and your baby brother is The Future. Do you understand?
SON: I'm not sure Dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying and went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where peaking thru the keyhole he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so he returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning:
SON: Dad, now I think I understand politics.
DAD: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.
SON: Well, while Management is screwing The Working Class, the Government is sound asleep. The People are being completely ignored and The Future is full of shit.

Story 1

It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his
burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a
walk.

Fox : "What are you working on?"
Rabbit : "My thesis."
Fox : "Hmm. What is it about?"
Rabbit : "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
Fox : "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"
Rabbit : "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few minutes,
gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to hit his typewriter and
resumes typing.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf : "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit : "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
Wolf : "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit : "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit returns
by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?
Rabbit: " I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear : "Well that's absurd!
Rabbit : "Come into my home and I'll show you"

As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

Moral:

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS. WHAT MATTERS IS WHO
YOU HAVE FOR A SUPERVISOR.

In the context of the working world:-

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER
YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU.

Story 2

It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a lion is sitting outside his
cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox : "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken."
Lion : "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you."
Fox : "Hmm. But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your great claws
will only destroy it even more."
Lion : "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed."
Fox : "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great
claws cannot fix complicated watches."
Lion : "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed."

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with
the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion
continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf : "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is
broken."
Lion : "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you."
Wolf : "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no
way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV."
Lion : "No problem. Do you want to try it?"

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a
perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene: Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and
intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work
with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion
looking very pleased with himself.

Moral:

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A SUPERVISOR IS FAMOUS LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS
STUDENTS.

In the context of the working world:-

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED? LOOK AT THE WORK
OF HIS SUBORDINATES THEN YOU SHALL COME TO KNOW THE REAL PICTURE.

Ladies hostel caught fire... It took 1 hour to bring the fire under
control... And another 3 hours to bring the firemen under control.
=====
Wife: If I sleep with your best friend, what will be the first thought
to come in your mind?
Husband: That you are a lesbian.
=====
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the US???
Because the people started licking the wrong side!
=====
Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was afternoon meal & left leg
evening meal, which would you prefer?
Boyfriend: Eating between meals!
=====
Nobody is ever satisfied... Poor men wish they were rich, Rich
men wish they were handsome, Bachelors wish they were married & Married
men wish they were Dead!
=====
How do you teach a girl maths?
Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs, enter your square
root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply!
=====
A girl says to her boyfriend, "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy says, "Thanks for the warning"!
=====
A Husband Was Asked: "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
He replied: "Depends, If I can find a Phone"!
=====
Definition of a Gynaecologist: Someone who looks for problems where
others look for pleasure!!!
=====
Man to wife on wedding night, "Are you sure I'm the first man you are
sleeping with?"
"Of course honey, I stayed awake with all the others!"

A woman asks her husband if he`d like some breakfast.
"Chicken and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to
follow?"
"Nah," he says. "It`s this Viagra -- it`s really taken the edge off my
appetite."
At lunch time she asks, "How about a bowl of homemade soup, homemade
muffins, or maybe a cheese sandwich"?
"Nope, it`s this Viagra," he says, "It`s really affected my appetite."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She`ll go to
the store and buy him some food. Maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe a
pizza or a tasty stir fry that would take only a couple minutes?
"No, it`s this Viagra," he says. "It`s really really taken the edge off
my appetite."
"Well," she says, "Could you get off me for a few minutes at least? I`m
really starving!"

Robert and Julie, a nice young couple, were getting married and planned
on living with Julie`s mother until they could establish a place of
their own. On their wedding night, they went upstairs and were getting
ready for bed.
Robert started to get undressed, taking off his shirt first, and he had
hair all over his chest. Julie ran downstairs and told her mother.
"Momma!! Momma!! He`s got hair all over his chest!"
Her mother replied, "Julie, you go upstairs and make your momma proud."
So she ran upstairs and found Robert taking off his pants. He was
extremely hairy all over his legs.
Julie ran down the steps to tell her mother. "Momma, he`s got hair all
over his legs."
"Julie, you go upstairs and make your Momma proud."
She ran upstairs and found Robert sitting on the bed taking off his
socks. Unfortunately, he had lost half of his foot in the war.
Julie took one look, ran downstairs, and said, "Momma, Momma, he`s only
got a foot and a half!"
At this, Momma yelled, "You stay downstairs. I`m going to upstairs!"

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although
very much in love, couldn`t wait to go into town, tease the barmaids
and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey,
I`ll be right back..."
"Where are you going coochy cooh...?", asked the wife. "I`m going to
the bar, pretty face. I`m going to have a beer."
The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the
door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer,
brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India,
etc.
The husband doesn`t know what to do, and the only thing that he can
think of saying is, "Yes, loolie loolie... but the bar... you know...
the frozen glass...".
He didn`t get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by
saying, "You want a frozen glass puppy face?"
She takes a huge beer mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was
getting chills holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d`oeuvres that are really delicious...I won`t
be long. I`ll be right back. I promise. OK?"
"You want hors d`oeuvres poochi pooh?"
She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d`oeuvres:
chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty
words and all that..."
The wife looks at him and said: "You want some dirty words cutie pie?
SIT THE FUCK DOWN - DRINK YOUR FUCKIN` BEER IN YOUR FROZEN FUCKIN` MUG
- EAT YOUR FUCKIN` SNACKS - YOU AREN`T GOING TO THE FUCKIN` BAR !!! GOT
IT, ASSHOLE ?!?!"

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of
the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather
disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and
starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so
loudly.
The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business.
Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are
upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted
you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

A young girl comes home to her mother's house and informs her that she
is engaged to be married.
She says, "Mother, he's wonderful. He's rich beyond our wildest dreams.
He has homes in the south of France, Beverly Hills, New York, and about
a dozen other cities. He has a 200 ft yacht, Ferraris, Rolls Royces,
and a jet airplane. There is only one problem...he says he really
likes anal sex, and I know how you feel about that"
The mother says, "Well I don't know dear. I'm only thinking of your
happiness. I'm not sure a man like this will make you happy".
The daughter replies, "Yes but if I marry him, you will never want for
another thing as long as you live."
The mother considers this and finally agrees to allow them to marry.
They are married shortly thereafter and go off to their honeymoon.
During their honeymoon the mother receives a new house, a new car, and
a sizeable pension every month from her new son-in-law.
Six months later the daughter returns from her honeymoon and she is mad
as hell. She fumes, kicks furniture and swears she wants a divorce. Her
mother asks her why she is so angry.
"Mother, I want a divorce. The man is an animal. All he ever wants is
anal sex. All day, every day. It's constant. Mother do you know that
before I was married, my sphincter was the size of a penny, and now
it's as big as a silver dollar!"
The mother considers this for a minute and says, "I think you should
reconsider dear. Do you really want me to give all this up for a measly
99 cents?"

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short
time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives
would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent
a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but
"Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and
got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom
blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card
from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson &
Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and
she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was
again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter. The third
girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were
the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar
magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a
week, both ways." Mom fainted.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm
fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One
of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic
in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in
bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten
your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for
her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his
hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches. "Can I help you, Sir?"

"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"

"It wassss at the end of thissss key!" the man answers.

About that time, the officer looks down and sees that the man's "thing"
is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He says to the man,
"Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The shocked man looks down and, without missing a beat, moans, "OHHHH
GOD...They got my girlfriend, too!!!"

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor
bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub
only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The bikie replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm
trying to make him vomit."
The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his
THROAT!"
The bikie replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"