Jokes

Subject: Materialistic
A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show
it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a truck speeding
along too close to the curb takes off the door before speeding off.
More than a little distraught, the lawyer grabs his mobile and calls
the cops. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance
to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. "My Porsche!
My beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's at the
repair shop it'll simply never be the same again!" After the lawyer finally finishes his rant,
the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyer
types are," he says. "You lot are so focussed on your possessions that you
don't notice anything else in your life." "How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer.
The policeman replies, "Didn't you realise that your left arm was
torn off when the truck hit you?"
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "Bloody hell !" he
screams.
Where's my Rolex?!?!"

You see that Disney are making a new animated movie about the Katrina disaster
It will of course be set in New Orleans and will be called...
Finding Negro!

Some rules cant be followed..

A lady manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling... My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

New financial product available : The Kevin Pietersen Savings Account.

It generates lots of interest and there are absolutely no catches

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide? "The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "lady - I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you
CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Mischievous Brothers

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any
mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in
BIG trouble this time.
.
.
.
.
.
GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies

expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and

registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,

that's the law.

License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks...

''How many is a Brazillion ??!'

not really topical but Bush jokes always good for a larf...

Mary and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Mary out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening.
They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Mary to join him at his place for an ! after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Mary soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."
Mary was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

An Englishman wanted to transform himself into an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how he could achieve this.

"Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong, but I will need to remove half your brain".

"Yeah, that's OK" said the Englishman. "All my life I've wanted to be Irish so I'm prepared to take the risk."

The operation went ahead and sometime later the Englishman awoke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm terribly sorry!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out."

The patient replied, "No worries mate".

new work terminologies for 2005/2006

1. TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

2. BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

3. SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr*ps on everything, and then leaves.

4. ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

5. SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

6. CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles.

7. PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

8. MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato

9. SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

10. STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

11. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the cr*p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

12. ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

13. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

14. OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

The Bushes in New Orleans...

...

Kate Moss and Jeremy Clarkson are having a conversation:
"So what do you do?" she asks him
"I do Top Gear" says Clarkson

"Well in that case, I'll have a tenners worth."

Groan...

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following items:

1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 Kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner
The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder. He is carrying a basket with a six pack of Stella, a pizza and some Wagon Wheels.

As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says, "Because you're minging."

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the confession box and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the drunk's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, "No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."

Q: What have David Beckham and Celine Dion/Meatloaf got in common?
A: They're both fucking awful singers.

Good, Bad...Worse!!

Just When You Think You Have It Bad, It Gets Worse...
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camas and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It's performance art.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's thirteen.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his
room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally

typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent
the e-mail.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting
messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into
the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen
which Read:

To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: June 3, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and
you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
have been checked in . I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.s It is damn hot down here !!

Sign Language

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "need", then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw".

The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, "What the heck is wrong with you! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!" The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, "I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming."

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large, what the kids call "kegs". Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a long-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and the predatory female offers sex.

Please! Forward this warning to every male that you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" "Snooker Halls" or "Betting Shops" in the yellow pages.

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make
is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye.

"Just Released -New LP -Wasps of the World and the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much
like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into
the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert
on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant.

"If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into
the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head.

"I don't understand it", he says,

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I
still can't recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into
the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back
into the booth.

Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have
recognised none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant,

"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

PAKISTAN EARTHQUAKE LATEST!

Death toll tops 40,000.

Police will start to search the second house tomorrow!

Rescue workers say the stench from thousands of Pakistani bodies is unbearable, but its likely that it will get worse now there are dead ones too!!!

After the terrible earthquake in Pakistan the world aid effort is gaining momentum in the wake of the tragedy and the 40,000 deaths.

America will be sending cash, France will be sending food and Great Britain will be sending replacements.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a
little maths test.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw
three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the
Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same
rules using the number 99, this time."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat equals 99."
The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give
the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same rules
again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go.
One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts If you
think that represents a hundred!"
Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.

So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ... So, when do I be starting the
job?

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an Eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

2 beers and some nuts please.

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?", he asked.

"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The SS."

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet ! watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike

I just can't get a glove to fit...

Mary Poppins is driving down the road, when her car breaks down. It’s the middle of nowhere, but as luck would have it right next to a bed and breakfast. She goes in and asks for a room for the night, and is offered supper as well.

She comes down to have her meal and the main course is the nicest cauliflower cheese she has ever tasted. Full up she goes up to bed and sleeps well.

In the morning she comes down to breakfast and has bacon and eggs. The bacon is fine, but the eggs were awful, and she leaves them.

She checks out and pays her bill, and wrote in the visitors book (wait for it) “supercauliflowercheesetheeggstheywereatrocious�

hee.

What is the difference between Love marriage & Arranged marriage?
First one is Sucide..and the next one is Preplanned murder!

Sardar Son: O God! Please make Newyork the capital of Punjab.
Sardar: Why are you praying for that?
Sardar Son: That is what I have written in my exam...

Why are Egyptian's children always confused?? Because after death, their daddy becomes the Mummy!!

In memory of a great man. Ronnie RIP.
--------------------------------------------------------
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie
Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many
takes). Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of
delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting
through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your
pants] as you read ...
--------------------------------------------------------
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling
shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,
and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible
huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had
tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let
Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with
six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise,
there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping
her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and
the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg
and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the
stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the
sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follen swanny.

How do you make an egg-roll?

You push it down the hill.

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Old Lady: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Lady: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Lady: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Lady: Bet the lying b*****d told you I was speeding, too.

Keeping secrets
-----------------
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'

'I don't know about that,' answered a woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'

'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.

'I hardly think so!' responded the lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'

Beautiful Woman
-----------------
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, 'You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

'Why?' she asks.

'Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.'

That reminds me of the one about the bloke who was chased by a police car on the M4 and finally ran out of fuel and got pulled over past Bristol. The policeman goes up to the man and says

"You are in major trouble sir. I have been chasing you with sirens blaring and lights flashing for over 100 miles. Did you not see me?"

"Yes" replied the bloke "But you see, my wife ran off with a policeman about a month ago. And I thought that he was trying to bring her back..."

Why was Lt.O'Huru brown?
Cuz William Shatner.

I'm not afraid of getting bird flu: I'm a bloke.

woof.

The labour party has decided to change its logo from a rose to a condom, believing it more accurately reflects their policies.
This is because a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security whilst your being screwed

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.
Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same she stood there wearing the black panties,
and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be
known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and
keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words
like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,
which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre
that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful,
and they should go away.

By the 4th yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be
dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand
ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU !!

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord!

"Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit p!ssed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly p!ssed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike And starts to sing (scroll down) ...

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him..." she purrs, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis, covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days, for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctor! Amellican doctor, always want to opulate. Make more money, that way. No need to opulate!"

"Oh thank God!" the man replies.

"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Penis fall off by self!"

This one's for DW:

Many moons ago, when NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" And told an underling to get a tape recorder. The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."