Jokes

A skeleton goes to the dentist for his annual checkup. After the checkup the dentist says "Well Mr. Skeleton, your teeth are in fantastic condition, but I'm a little worried about your gums."

> An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
> car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation
> to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
> brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
> The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way.
> " A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
> "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

> As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
> Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
> just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
> Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
>
> "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and
they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know
that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed
us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"

Two nuns are driving along when suddenly a vampire lands on the bonnet of the car and is about to attack them.

One of the nuns shouts to the other, "Quick, show him your cross!".

So the other shouts out the window, "Oi you, FUCK OFF!!!"

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up," and gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun causing parts of the beast to splatter everywhere, and then he just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator... - Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
terror - New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat - Italy

One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to INDIA!

And another courtesy of Private Eye



Funny how this guy is big in Germany...

Two sausages frying in a pan.

One turns to the other and says "Fuck, it's hot in here!"

The other sausage screams "Aaah! A talking sausage!!!"

Two goldfish in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Some Chav jokes (sorry for the double posting, also in Chav thread)

Why are chavs like Slinkies? They have no real use, but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

What's the first question in a chavs' quiz night? "Oo you lookin' at?"

Two chavs in a car, but no music. Who's driving? The police.

Or this: A chav walks into a jobcentre and announces, "Oi, I'm looking for work." The official says, "You couldn't have come at a better time. We've just had this in: chauffeur for a millionaire who needs his nymphomaniac twin daughters driving round in his Mercedes.

"Full board is included, and you have to accompany the girls on their many foreign holidays. The salary is £100,000 pa."

The chav says, "You're having me on!"

"Right," says the clerk, "but you started it."

A man accosts the zookeeper and complains that the monkeys arent there.

Keeper: They are inside, making love. Maybe u can wait a little.
Man: Aww, but I really want to see them now. Will they come out if I offer them some peanuts.
Keeper: Would you??

Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks...

So a baby seal walks into a club...

TGIF!! One for the weekend!!!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.�

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.�

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.� He did not say “ Eat me� .

The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.

The recommended grace before a meal is not:
Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well," the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her."

Subject: MORALS

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Texas, one from Florida, and one from Arkansas. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.
The guy from Texas began by saying "I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do all of the cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, and a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert."

Then the man from Florida spoke up "I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do all of the grocery shopping, and all of the house cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry, the shelves were filled
with groceries".

The fellow from Arkansas was married to an enlightened woman who had grown up in rural Arkansas. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said "I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking,
shopping and housecleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But by the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye.

Moral of story: DON'T MESS WITH ARKANSAS WOMEN!!

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding
a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank
vault. She says
"But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!"
he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm
samples. The
> > > > guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she
looks at him
"BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it
back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks
that one as
well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and
says,
"See honey - its not that hard."

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in
their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister
Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get
rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on,
knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I
filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister
Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns
his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?"
shouts Sister Marilyn? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're
talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the
fuck off our car!"

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear, etc. On the night of the party, the first
guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green
paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy,
"Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says," I'm
green with NV". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink." A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party." A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the heck are you doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!" Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend,
>> >> Marie,
>> >> out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a
>> >> beautiful day and love is in the air.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
>> >> Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's
> lips.
>> >> "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have
> red
>> >> wine!"
>> >> She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a
>> >> little
>> >> and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her
>> >> blouse
>> >> open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her
>> >> breasts.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> "Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.
>> >> "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I
>> >> have
>> >> white wine!"
>> >> She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and
>> >> things
>> >> really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers,
>> >> "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear,
>> >> grabs
>> >> a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a
>> >> match
>> >> and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into
>> >> the
>> >> River Seine.
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and
>> >> screams
>> >> furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT THE F**K DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
>> >>
>> >>
>> >> Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly,
>> >> "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in
>> >> flames!"

REDNECK MOMMA

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed

by 15 kids. WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they

ALL YOURS???"
Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having

heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit

down Leroy."
All the children rush to find seats.
Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to

sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
OK, and who's next?"
Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One

by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leroy!
All right," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here.

Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes! - it makes it easier.

When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for

school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just

yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes a runnin.' An 'if I need to

stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy'

and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'

them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles

her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want

ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
Well, then I call them by their last names.

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I
would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink
curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having
a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The
salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room
are they for?"

The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer
monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need
curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo ... I've got WINDOOOOOOOWWWSS!"

Anyone heard about the dyslexic pimp who bought himself a warehouse?

Or the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa!

A medical professor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast and testicles. A female student asked another male student,

"Do you ever get an erection when you do a self-examination of your testicles?"

"Sometimes, yes" replied the male student.

"What do you do about it?" She then asked.

"Nothing, why?"

She thought for a while then said, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?"

"Err, no" he replied

"You mean a man's penis will go down without having an orgasm?"

"Of course"

"I'm going to kill my husband!"

"I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal
with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he
was
already homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

*****************************************************

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding
in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees
an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you
been
drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

***********************************************

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the
brothel
across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them
said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as
well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

***************************************************

Irish Predicament

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic
Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but Ole just
sits
there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this
side
either."

***************************************************

Irish Last Request

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning
service,
and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last
night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any
last
requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun!'

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look
at your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
problem can there be greater than this one?"

Dear Friends:

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news.

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap'n Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was notconsidered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky in his youth and a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus the bun they had in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

A blonde decides to try horseback
riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She
mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic
pace, but the blonde begins to slip from
the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the
horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around
the horse's neck, but she slides down
the side of the horse anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly
ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde
attempts to leap away from the horse and
throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her
foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and
she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding
hooves as her head is struck against the ground
over and over. As her head is battered against
the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune,
Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and
unplugs the horse.
Thank God for heroes!

Subject: Medicare

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test
results.
The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big
mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the
lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now
uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or
terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS.
We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more
than once."
Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more
than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the
middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return, two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass
of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

WARNINGS ISSUED BY THE TOURISM BUREAU TO ALL VISITING YANKEES

Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Sissy, Billy Joe Bob, Sue Lynn, Bubba, etc.) We have been known to kick a man's ass for less.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down South it's called Coke. It doesn't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr, Pepper, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke. If you don't say it right, it can lead to an ass kicking!

Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC or we'll kick your ass. All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming. We'll kick their ass too.

Don't refer to us Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Faulkner, Grisham, Williams). We are also better educated and generally a hell of a lot nicer. We also have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred! Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape),

Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgement (e.g., Clinton, Gore, Duke). Anyway, dumb or not, we will kick your Yankee ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

Eat your biscuits like God intended, at the Waffle House. DON'T order wheat toast or put sugar on them, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't try to fake a southern accent. You will get your ass kicked for impersonatin' a redneck.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home before we kick it.

We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we're saying, and that's all that matter! s. Now, go home or we'll kick you ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass.

On the dislex... dyslekz... damn it! dyslexia subject:

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He lay away at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

A woman goes to see her doctor. She has a cork up her vagina. He asks her what the problem is.

She pulls the cork out, and out of her vagina the doctor can hear the song 'glory glory Man United'. The woman is distraught and doesn't know what to do.

'Don't worry madam', said the doctor. 'A lot of cunts sing that'.

A sixteen-year-old virgin girl goes to confession.
"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he also touched my breasts."
"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father, he took off my clothes."
"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
"Yes father."
"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
"Yes father,"
"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the funfair every year. And every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "Yes, it looks fun, Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 - and £50 is £50."
One year later, Esther and Morris went to the fair again. Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "That's all very well, Morris, but that helicopter ride is £50 - and £50 is £50."
The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word, it's £50."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres. But not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "Blimey! I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out halfway through, but £50 is £50!"

A Newfie and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The American asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The Newfie, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

Again, the Newfie declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the Newfie's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Newfie doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

So the Newfie asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers. Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Newfie and hands him $500.

The Newfie thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Newfie and asks, Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Newfie reaches into his wallet, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!

As a Newcastle trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps
out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing
some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops
for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car,
runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if
they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and
you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back
to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, "Hi,
my name is Kevin, its winter in Newcastle, and I'm driving a f*****g
Gritter!!!

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f*#@ing bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*#@ing beak to the bar you irritating bastard bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says: "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut? " The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says: "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says: "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says: "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says: "Your house!"

A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collided in the Atlantic ocean. Apparently all of the survivors were marooned.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After
all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there
were 3 finalists... 2 men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men
to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know
that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the
circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
"Kill her!!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for
this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about
five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into
the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with
blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Never put a woman to the test.
TWELVE
Subject: Training

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in
one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then
just walks out.

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling
another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Buddy! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position.
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until,
one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10
years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He
immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in
such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever
the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on
the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe
a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet
her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just
before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have
to tell you something about my family before we go in. When
we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room
is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge
stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor,
everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a
word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody
says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off,
throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front
of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad
is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back
down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So
he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has
his way with her every which way right there on the dinner
table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling,
but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts
to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from
his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All
right, enough - I'll do the fucking dishes!"

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to
yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I
bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a
Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So
the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for
fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy.
I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike
and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my
Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what
she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So
the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and
found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as
the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and
demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a
phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned
from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really
doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell
his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did." (Are women good or
what)?

Haven't posted a joke in a while. Here is one.

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh ! God, I'm coming!"
"If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

I like one-liners:

What is a zebra? A bra 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Don't assume?
When you do, you end up making an ASS out of U and ME!

Millennia Year Application Software System

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennia Year Application Software System" or "MYASS".

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before."

I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS."
It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

Scotsman

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in
his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take
all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice.
Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell
your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job,
sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his
job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las
Vegas.

As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to
Caesar's Palace."

He goes to Caesar's Palace.

The voice says, "Make your way to the roulette table."

He goes to the roulette table.

The voice says, "Put all your money on RED 23."

He puts all his money on RED 23.

The dealer spins the wheel.

It comes up BLACK 17.

The voice says "Shit!!"

i couldnt find the sardar jokes thread...so here are some..

Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my grandpa who died peacefuly in his
sleep not screaming like all d passengers in d car he was driving..

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that’s a mirror!

Ferrari Fires Pit Crew
(reuters)

Melbourne, Tuesday

The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the Australian Government's Youth Opportunity scheme and employ people from Frankston.

The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Frankston area were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high-tech equipment.

John Howard went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management, which demonstrated the international recognition of Australia's employment practices under his Liberal government. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have an advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for...At the crew's first practice session, the Frankston pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, and then within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for a slab of VB, a kilogram of speed and some photos of Montoya's girlfriend in the shower.

Apologies, don't mind if this doesn't get appreciated...

Just having a dead day at work - need to humour myself.

What I've Learned From Watching P0rn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream
with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

6. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

7. Women always have orgasms when men do.

8. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

9. All women are noisy fucks.

10. People in the 70's couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in
the background.

11. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

12. Asian men don't exist.

13. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,
the boyfriend won't bash the shit out of you if you shove your
cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

14. Nurses suck patients' cocks.

15. Men always pull out.

16. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll
only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

17. Women never have headaches... or periods.

18. When a woman is s*uking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".

19. Arseholes are clean.

20. Men don't have to beg.

21. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly
on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his
hip.

I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!

The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.

I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

One day, a husband and wife were out playing golf. The husband was having trouble teaching his wife how to play, as she was quite bad.

As the wife took her shot, she aimed it badly and the ball went right through the window of a nearby house.

"Now look what your lack of skills has gotten us into! We will have to go up there and apoligise!" proclaimed the husband.

The couple knocked on the door, and it was opened by a young man in his thirties. The couple saw the broken window, and a broken bottle near it.
"I'm terribly sorry about your window", said the husband. "What can we do?"

"Well", replied the man, "i must thank you. You see, I'm a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 500 years. So, as your genie, you have 3 wishes. But, if you wouldnt mind, I would like to keep one for myself?"

The husband and wife pondered this, and thought it acceptable.

"Fantastic", proclaimed the genie. "So, what are your wishes?"

The husband replied, "I would like 10 million pounds a year for the rest of my life".

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will give you a long and healthy life too!"

It was the wife's turn. "I would like a mansion in every country in the world, complete with servants."

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will keep your home safe from bad weather and burgalars! And now for my wish. I have been stuck in that bottle for a very long time, and have forgotten what it feels like to be with a woman. If i could just spend some time with you, to fulfil my needs?"

The husband and wife pondered this and the wife asked her husband, "Honey, what do you think?"
"Well sweetheart, I think it's O.K. I love you, and would do the same for you."

So after an afternoon of the genie and wife enjoying and pleasuring each other, the Genie asked the wife, "How old are you and your husband?"
"We're both in our thirties. Why?" she replied.
"Wow, thirty years old, and you both still believe in genies?"

How Do you surprise Helen Keller?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.