Jokes

Have a good laugh at this girls...

Marriage (Part I) (any of you guys recognise yourselves?? )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not." (SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.' "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'" (HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!)

So one day, two older gentlemen are playing chess and chatting:

- Hey, Bob, have you ever made one of those Freudian slips?

* I'm not sure what you mean, Bill.

- Well, it's when you want to say one thing, but when you go to speak, the wires in your head get mixed-up, and you end-up saying something else. Like take the other day. I was at the travel agency and this beautiful woman was helping me. But when I wanted to ask for "two tickets to Pittsburg", I actually said "two pickets to Titts-burg". It was really embarassing.

* Oh, I get ya. yea, I did something like that just the other day too. Me and my wife of 40 years were having dinner, and I wanted to say "Honey, could you please pass me the salt and pepper". But I actually said "You ruined my life you f'n bitch"

Technology

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when
all of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat
you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 metres,Pepe following closely behind, when all of a
sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he
manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees, a Ham Bush

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will...

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.

She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go forthis carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk , she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the
rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled
hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him,
and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from,
so he says "sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the
father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been
unfaithful, "Oh!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night
that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst
your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my
@rse?"

"No" she replies, " I'm your son's English Teacher."

Contract Expiration

Husband and wife had quarreled for a while. After cool down period wife came back to husband in the morning and asked, "Honey what are you doing?"

Husband tried to hide the document in hand and mumbled, "Nothing!"

Wife took on again, "Nothing what? I have been seeing you are reading our Marriage certificate for whole night, even with magnifying glass, upside down, backside front, intense lamplight. What's the sickness with your brain?"

Dejected Husband said, "Nothing, I was just looking for the expiry date."

How do you stop a Red-neck girl getting pregnant?

Pull her brother off of her.

How do cut the penis of a Red-neck off?

Kick his sister in the teeth.

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly:

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all
part of our team now, " said the Human Resources rep during the welcome
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria
for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm
satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do
any of you know what has happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their
heads, "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly to
which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool. For four weeks,
we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooooo, you
had to go and eat a secretary!"

A priest, driving in an Islamic country, broke down just outside a mosque at two o'clock in the morning. Unable to find a mechanic, the Imam said: "I can't suggest anything else except that we pray."

The priest agreed and so they both headed into the mosque. Walking in, the priest was amazed to see a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and then to see the Imam kneel down in front of it.

"Hang on," the priest remarked. "Surely you as a Muslim shouldn't be doing that?"

The Imam promptly replied: "What, do you expect me to disturb Mohammed's mother at THIS time in the morning?"

Not really jokes but they made me laugh and I didn't know where else to put them:

Slang Dictionary, Not found in the Oxford English Dictionary ...
GOING FOR A McShit
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mcshit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pi$$ in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

SSSSSSSSSSHHHH1111111111111TTTTTTTTTTTTT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fu(k-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO AR$E
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

STARFISH TROOPER OR AR$ETRONAUT
A homosexual.

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL
Bottled Alcopops, e.g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TITANIC
A lady who goes down first time out.

TODGER DODGER
A lesbian.

UP ON BLOCKS
Menstruating i.e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".

WALLACE AND GROMIT
Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

Software Engineer's Explanation to a child

A young son came running to his Daddy and asked, "Daddy, Daddy, how was I born?"

Daddy said, "Oh, very well, my blessed son, one day you will find that out
anyway! Your Mom and I got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Your Dad, set
up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.

We sneaked into a private room, and then your mom stuck dad's memory stick
into her USB port for downloading your file. An excited Dad could not refuse
went on to fully upload. It was discovered that neither one of them had used
a firewall.

Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the
blessed virus appeared.

And we have you my dear!

So a fifty year-old woman takes her demented, deaf father to the doctors for his annual check-up.

Doctor:

" Hello Mr Smith. We'll do the ususal tests ... I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, a sperm sample, a skin sample, and a sweat sample.

Old dad to Daughter, very loudly:

"What did eee sayyy?"

Daughter to old dad, very loudly:

"Doctor wants to borrow your pyjama's for a couple of minutes Dad!"

In the arse-end of the back of nowhere, Mississippi two rednecks are sitting on the porch. A car - the first they've seen for two months breaks down outside their shack. A blonde gets out and says that if they can get the car going she will screww them both in repayment. The guys duly fix the car and they repair to the barn and get naked.

"You guys put these on," says the girl giving each of the hillbillies a condom.

"Wot the hell 'r these fer?" they ask.

"If you don't wear them I could be back here in nine months with a baby. Now, you wouldn't want that would you?" she asks.

"Hell no!" They reply putting the condoms on and getting down to business. After three minutes the rednecks are finished and girl leaves.

FAST TRACK TO TEN MONTHS LATER>

In the arse-end of the back of nowhere, Mississippi the two rednecks are again sitting on the porch.

"Well, she never did come back did she!" says one.

"Hell no! I suppose it's safe to take these condoms off now then!"

To which question is the answer: "9W"?

'Do you spell your surname with a 'V', Herr Woller?'

The Animals have re-written their classic...

The house of the rising sun...

The only change is...
There "WAS" a house in New Orleans

"there was a house in new orleans,
they called it the rising water"

surley?

this actually worked for me, if you have nothing better to do...

THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME.

DO NOT READ AHEAD, JUST DO IT.

IT TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY

1st. Get PEN and PAPER

2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW

3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!! Very important for good results.

4th. SCROLL DOWN

ONE LINE AT THE TIME
DON`T READ AHEAD
otherwise
YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN.

1. On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the LEFT.

2. BESIDE the NUMBERS 1 & 2,

WRITE DOWN ANY
2 NUMBERS YOU WANT.

DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?

3. BESIDE the NUMBERS 3 & 7,

WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX.

CAUTION: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT

4. WRITE ANYONES NAME

(like FRIENDS or FAMILY...)
next to 4, 5, & 6.

DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID

5. WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11

6. Finally,

MAKE A WISH

ARE YOU READY?
HERE IS THE

KEY TO THE GAME

1. THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is found in

SPACE 2

2. THE PERSON IN SPACE

3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE

3. THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in

SPACE 7

4. YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in

SPACE 4

5. THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO

KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.

6. THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS THE YOUR

LUCKY STAR

7. THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE

PERSON IN NUMBER 3

8. THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE

PERSON IN 7

9. THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT

YOUR MIND

10. AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU

FEEL ABOUT LIFE

11. NUMBER 1 IS YOUR

LUCKY NUMBER

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening..Self-raising?"

What do you get when you cross winning the World Cup with blisters?

Sore feet.

"The thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat."

Quentin Tarantino is making a new film in New Orleans called Reservoir Wogs.

A Somalian arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani". The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!"
The person says "I no Blitish. I flom Hong Kong The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!" That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not British!" He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a British citizen?" She says, "No, I am from Romania!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the British?" The Romanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... " Probably at work".

Oh my...got this from Hubby...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks
by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if
you get an erection, it implies you called for me" Smiling, she leads him
to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls? him
to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the
sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him,
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.

"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The
huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and
has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is greeted by the
smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours.
You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 63 years old.
I get an erection once a month.
I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!"

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US Redneck Special Forces . These North Carolina, South Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today
2. There is no limit
3. They taste just like chicken
4. They don't like beer, pickups, Harley Davidson's, country music or Jesus
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.

Father 1: Our son was born on St. George's day, so we just had to call him George
Father 2: Yeah, ours was born on St. Patrick's day, so we called him Patrick.
Father 3 (grinning): It was exactly the same with our Pancake.

I'll get me coat...

Have you heard?
The lodon tourist board are opening a big wheel on the baks of the Thames as a tribute to Mary Poppins!

It will be called the

"The London umdiddle diddle, diddle umdiddle eye"

THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.

"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time, in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca, and Gary.

------------------------------------------------------

STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

-----------------------------------------------------

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie, with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S.
Harris to Geostation 17, he
said into his transgalactic communicator: "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
she pondered wistfully.

-----------------------------------------------------

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"

------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

-----------------------------------------------------

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
"Oh, shall I have chamomile
tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)
Bitch.

------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
Wanker.

------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)
Slut.

------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
Get fucked.

------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)
Eat shit.

------------------------------------------------------

(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

------------------------------------------------------

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
(teacher)
A+ - I really liked this one.

Who was the last person to f*ck an Aussie and bring home the Ashes?

Paula Yates

Make your own Bush speech...

A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry.

He gets to one house where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, he goes round the back but still can't see it so he

knocks on the door.

There's no answer so he knocks again.

Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the chappy.

"Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman.

"I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.

Realizing the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and

says

"No mate, where's ya dust bin?"

"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man.

"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me...Where's your

Wheelie Bin?"

"OK. OK" , says the Japanese bloke, "I wheelie bin having a w*nk".

Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe shop in Baghdad, chatting over a pint of warm goat's milk. The older of the mothers reaches into her bag and starts flipping through pictures of the family and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though," mum confides, "a suicide bomber."
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other, appalled.

"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," gushes the other one happily, "he had such curly hair and blue eyes when he was born."
"He's a martyr too," says the mum quietly, "a car bomber."
"Oh gracious me", says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Q: Who was the last to fuck the Aussies and
bring back the Ashes?
A: Paula Yates.

I dont understand this joke, even if its published twice
B4

Can anyone PM me pls..

We'll explain it if you explain all your posts!!!

I dont understand them myself

A baby was born so advanced in development that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?" he asked.

"Why, yes, I am," said the doctor."

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?" "Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?" "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.

The baby motioned him closer, and then poked him hard repeatedly on the forehead with his index finger and
then said:

"Hurts, doesn't it!"

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
> the
>> night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll
> not
>> be drinking anymore tonight,
>> Paddy."
>>
>> Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."
>>
>> Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
>> face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
> himself
>> off.
>>
>> He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite,
>> Shoite!"
>>
>> He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if
>> he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
>>
>> He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He
>> sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
> much
>> better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.
>>
>> He falls flat on his face.'Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.
>>
>> He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and
>> shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.
>>
>> He takes look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
>>
>> He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to
>> the bed."
>>
>> He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.
>>
>> He says "Fockit" and falls into bed.
>>
>> The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
> of
>> coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last
>> night?".
>>
>> Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"
>>
>> "Mick phoned, ...You left your wheelchair at the pub."

The Three Wishes...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit a ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention the condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM -- she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM -- she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Attention male readers: Please read on.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

A recent university research programme claims that the kind of male face a woman is attracted to, can differ at various times of her menstrual cycle ..for example if she is ovulating , she is more likely to go for men with rugged, masculine looks, whereas if she is menstruating she is more prone to prefer a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a cricket bat jammed up his ring whilst on fire !

What do you call a key that opens every door?

A pikey.

Q: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?

A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.

with a serious face ask someone you know" what is a shitzu"

the reply usally comes back " a dog "

to which you reply " no its a zoo with no animals"