Jokes

What's green and invisible?

This cabbage.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2, weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

This couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up.
You could surprise me." For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Just for fun...

If the answer = "cock Robin"

Whats the Question?

When the delegate from the emerging African nation was in Moscow, he watched a game of Russian roulette. Someone put the barrel of a piston to his head and pulled the trigger. One of the six chambers contained a real bullet.

Now the Russian delegate was visiting the African nation.

"We would like to show you our version of roulette," the Ambassador said. "We call this African roulette."

"How do you play it?"

The Ambassador pointed to the six buxom African girls sitting in a circle.
"Any of these girls will give you a blow job."

"Where is the roulette part? Where is the jeopardy?" the Russian asked.

"Well," said the African Ambassador, "One of the girls is a cannibal."

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE
BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN
ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS
ADDRESSED, "DAD". WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE
AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR DAD,

IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD
TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH
MOM AND YOU.

I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE
EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES.
BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION DAD, SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA SAID THAT
WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY. EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER AS SHE IS
MUCH
OLDER THAN I, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK
OF
FIREWOOD FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN
WITH
ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND
WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR
ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE WANT. IN THE MEANTIME, WE'LL PRAY THAT
SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE
DESERVES IT!!

DON'T WORRY DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE
CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN
GET
TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

YOUR SON,

JOHN

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT THE NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE. I
JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY
REPORT CARD. THAT'S IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER. I
LOVE
YOU!

CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME.

What's the difference between a tie and an oxtail?

One covers the whole arsehole!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the table.
 
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,  "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

A Newfie, a little man, was sitting in a bar in Toronto when a huge
>burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the
>neck, knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says" That's a karate
>chop from Korea"
>
>
> Well, the Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his
>beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and as he walks
>by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him the
>floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan," he says.
>
>
>
> The Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he
>comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up
>behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.
>
>
>
> The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, eh, tell him
>that was a fuckin' crowbar from Canadian Tire."
>

One in honour of the ashes which starts today. Hopefully most will know of Shane Warne and his problems with addictions to texting women and cigarettes

Shane Warne walked into the players changerooms at Lords for the first
session, with a pair of women's knickers tied round his left arm.
Used to his eccentricities, the rest of the team said nothing.
However, as the morning session went on, curiosity got the better of
them and at drinks, Ricky Ponting went over to him and said "Shane,
can't help noticing you've got a pair of women's knickers tied to your
arm. Please tell me you haven't stuffed up again!"
Warney says "No mate, no trouble this time. It's a patch, I'm trying to quit."

[img]http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/7617/crouch6zl.jpg[/img]
New Liverpool team photo for 2005/6 including new signing Peter Crouch!!

If I had two fish, I'd call them one an two.
If one died...I'd still have two!!

KFC

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope to ask for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not change the words."

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again.

"Listen your Excellency, I really need your help. I'll give you $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I can't change the words." So the Colonel gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales the Colonel gets desperate.

"This is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."

"Let me get back to you." Says the Pope.

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican." The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

Ali G Goes Ivy League

2004 Harvard University Commencement Speech

"Booyakasha - Professor G indahouse aiii. Big shout out de Harvard massiv I iz done a capital 'H', coz Harvard iz a place innit - u see I ain't no ignoranus. Things like 'apple' and 'orange' do not start with a capital letter, unless dey iz at de start of a sentence - but some of you brainboxes probably know dat already innit.Me name be Ali G and me represent de UK. For those of u who didn't study geography de UK is a place over a 100 MILES away from here, de capital of it is? Anyone? Not u geography square! ...yes, it is Liverpool. U iz clever and quite fly if u don't mind me sayin.

First of all, I iz got to say I iz a bit nervous speakin to so many of you - at least me would be if I weren't totally mashed. Normally de only public-speaking I does is to 12 people - and it's well easy all me has to say iz me name and de words 'not guilty'.

Checkit, me agreed to speak here today coz me wanted to talk to de brightest minds of our generation, to see what makes Harvard de most special university in de world, and also coz dey agreed to pay for me flight over here and hotel room. Sorry to bring dis up now, but when u iz told dat your hotel bill is bein paid for, u naturally assume dat dat includes essential extras like breakfast AND special interest pay-per-view movies. Imagine my surprise den dis morning, when I was given a bill for $164. Me was actually tryin to SAVE Harvard money by buying the 24-hour 'slutfest' packages at $19.99, rather dan paying for individual films at $11.99 each. Which would have cost u - [go thru them] Young and Tight...Backdoor Burglar 2...Backdoor Burglar 3...Campus Confessions...Asian Fever...Shaven Buffet [get lost] twice dat one... Cold Mountain - dat was a mistake, Backdoor Burglar 4 ...almost 490 bucks. I mean come on, some of it was even research for dis, I iz sure one of de cheerleaders in 'Ivy League Amateurs' was wearin a Harvard sweatshirt...infact allo darlin, respek - I expect u need a cushion to sit on, aiii.

Anyways I digest. It iz a well big honour to be arksed ere today. To fink dat so many great people has been educated ere like Lyndon Banes Johnson, or as he is better known - JFK, George Clinton was also ere I fink , and de one before him, and also...William Tell - is he one of your lot, probably, and dat bloke wiv de hat, but most importantly dat really fit honey from Star Wars - if u iz out dere, me'd love to - me iz stayin at de Best Western Hotel - me's got a really nice room, altho since dis morning dem has put a parental lock on de tv.

As I stand here today lookin at all of you, on this, your first day of university - I fink of all de fings me can offer you - wisdom, experience but most importantly of all 22 ounces of de finest Morrocan chronic. Well, Dat iz if de Ex-Lax works - to be honest I usually go at 11 in de morning - but nothing dere - infact me'd appreciate it if one medical students here wouldn't mind takin a look. Don't worry it's clean as a whistle, u could eat your lunch of it - infact meJulie has. I know u don't mind dat kind of fing does u.

Hearmenow, u iz de most cleverest students in America - some of u iz probably brilliant at counting - ye know...1,2,3...4... I could continue...easy. Others of u will be brilliant at English - have memorised de whole alphabet 'a to x' and even be able to spell words like 'hippototamus'.

I iz also well clever - me was so brainy dat me finished me education 6 years before any of u - at de age of 15 - de teachers had to admit dat dere was nothing else dat dem could teach me. U students has come from every corner of de US from de rainforests of Arizona to de deserts of Alaska. Some of you iz probably never even seen a black man before...allo

Dere is all types of people ere, and it's fantastic to see dat Harvard has finally let in so many women. A lot of u iz probably feminists or as we call dem in England 'lezzas'. I agree wiv u, dat u gotta treat women wiv respec - its de least dat bitches deserve.

Relationships should be brought into dis -de 20th centrury - u women out dere shouldn't have to do de cookin and de cleanin when u come home from work - u should do it before u leave in de morning.

But more importantly it's wikid dat in Harvard young women and men gets to learn so many amazing subjects.

Some of u here will have been studying medicine...dat knowledge come wiv a lot of responsibilities. Remember, doctors is some of de most powerfulest people in de world - u can give life, u can cure disease and u can ask to see a woman's [whistle] wivout getting slapped.

For those of u studying history, u probably learnt a lot about de Presidents. Like who was Jefferson, and what did Lincoln give America - apart from de town car.

Some of u iz de best legal students in de country. U would know wivout even thinking, how to get someone off a charge of possession. And if any of u do, then can me remind u - Room 204 at the Best Western. Just do me a favour put your ear to de door, and don't come in if u hears me shouting 'Natalie, play wiv me light saber'.

Let's talk about de finances of all dat k-nowledge dat's been dropped on u. It costs $38,000 a year to go to Harvard. Now I don't know how u lot has earnt dat - apart from u - and u iz earnt every penny, but most of u iz got dat cash from your parents.

All you fathers out dere u iz made choices - wiv dat money u could have bought top of de range Lexus but instead u chose to invest in ya kids future. IZ U MENTAL? If u iz got other kids me hopes u don't make de same mistake again innit. Does u realise how many honeys u can get wiv a Lex. 'allo sweetness my son's got a Harvard degree' [FEMALE VOICE] 'wot, who cares'

Or allo darlin, wanna check out de dvd player in de back aiii.' [her] 'wot's dat?' [me] 'it's ostrich leather' So students give it up for your parents.

Let's talk bout de future - your future. A lot of you iz probably worried bout employment. Unfortunately most of u WILL end up gettin jobs - especially now u iz got de burden of a degree.

You iz de elite, u will be tomorrow's captains of industry. Sittin infront of me is probly da next Bill Gates, Donald Trump...or even Ronald Mcdonald. And even if you can't all be Ronald himself, most of you iz probably McDonald's Team Leader material. By da way, if any of u ever gets to do business wiv Sir Ronald, a word of hadvice - don't mention de size of his feet...him iz well sensitive about it. Me mate Dave hactually met him, and he said dat even tho him may seem like he's always smiling, dere's a sadness in de eyes...coz of dem feet. All de money in de world - and science still can't do nothing. Maybe dat's something dat some of u M.I.T. nerds can fink about innit.

You lot will become powerful people who can change de future - and you need to, coz de world at de moment iz totally f-blank-blank-blank-ucked. Yeknow de word - I been told I ain't allowed to say it - u know - u know de rude word. U know U definitely know...wiv de whole team.

Anyhow, u iz gotta fink bout de problems in de world coz u iz gotta sort dem out innit. Look at da envirolment - global warming is so bad, dey say in 100 years time, all de rainforests will be gone and all de ice caps will have melted. Actually, 100 years time, we ain't gonna be around den, so don't need to worry about dat one.

But dere is other fings - look at de state of family today - girls is havin sex at younger ages, dere's an increase in absentee fathers and more and more people is havin affairs - but we shouldn't just concentrate on de good fings.Believing in something is easy. Actually doing something is harder. Actions speak louder dan birds.

U has all got de potential to become great americans. And remember America is de greatest country in de whole world ...apart from Jamaica...and Holland.. oh yeah and Thailand coz u got dose girls who do all de ye know and probly some others - but u iz definitely in de top 20.?U people iz de future, u has de chance to change de world, to hactually improve de life of de poor, OR U could goto Wall Street and earn millionz - get plasma screen, chinchilla coat, a series of relationships wiv gold-digging hoes happy to de de most disgusting sexual favours for some bling. Don't waste de opportunity dat g-d has given you - see u in Wall Street.

Let's rap dis up now, coz I fink me feels somethin movin down below. So, what iz I hopin to take away wiv me from dis time in Harvard? - new friends, different ways of finking about de world, and as many laptops as me mate Dave has managed to nick from your dorms, while u has been sitting ere listening to me stalling.

But I has got ideals too. Just like de great civil rights leader Martin Luther...Van Dross, I has a dream...of little black girls and little white girls...playin wiv each other. Let's make it happen I look out and I see 1000s of people wiv different hopes and different dreams - but it is important never to forget where u all came from - becoz black, white, brown or pakistani we all come from de same place - de punani. Jah bless - bigupyaself Princeton...and keep it real... wesside."

There's a family of balloons, and every night at 2am, child balloon has a habit of climbing out of his bed and into bed with mam and dad balloon.

Eventually the child is a bit too old to be doing this, so his dad says, "Right son, from now on you spend the night in your own bed, okay?" and child balloon agrees. But that night at 2am, child climbs out of his own bed and heads off to mam and dad's room.

When he arrives, he discovers he can't fit in dad's side of the bed, so he tries round mam's side. Still he can't fit. So he comes up with a plan. He undoes his dad's knot and lets a little bit of air out. No joy. He does the same with his mam. Still no joy. Finally he undoes his own knot, lets loads of air out and finds that he can now fit into bed.

In the morning, his dad says to him, "Son, I'm very disappointed in you. You've gone against your word and slept in our bed last night...

...

...you've let me down, you've let your mother down, but most of all you've let yourself down".

its not that funny but I like the imagery

THREE COWBOYS ARE SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE OUT ON THE LONESOME
PRAIRIE -- EACH WITH THE BRAVADO FOR WHICH HE IS FAMOUS.

A NIGHT OF TALL TALES BEGINS...

THE GUY FROM TEXAS SAYS, "I MUST BE THE STRONGEST, MEANEST,
TOUGHEST COWBOY THERE IS. WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, A BULL GOT LOOSE IN
THE CORRAL. IT HAD GORED SIX MEN BEFORE I WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND BY
THE HORNS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CASTRATED THAT SUCKER WITH MY TEETH."

THE GUY FROM COLORADO COULDN'T STAND TO BE BESTED. "THAT'S NOTHING,
I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL YESTERDAY AND A FIFTEEN FOOT RATTLER SLID
OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK AND MADE A MOVE FOR ME. I GRABBED THAT BASTARD
WITH MY BARE HANDS, BIT IT'S HEAD OFF AND SUCKED THE POISON DOWN IN
ONE GULP AND I'M STILL HERE TODAY."

THE COWBOY FROM MONTANA REMAINED SILENT, SLOWLY STIRRING THE
CAMPFIRE COALS WITH HIS PECKER.

Nuns at the Ball Park
SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME
(WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),
THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.
IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO
UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."
THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY
5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING
THERE."
ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET,
CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS
THERE."

Little johnny walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom see's her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son see's his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

Because of company insurances, I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

I was a little concerned about that comment, so I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think that I will live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you, or have you ever smoked, taken drugs or drunk alcohol?"

"Oh no," I replied. "Never."

Then he asked, "Do you eat steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why the fuck do you want to live to be 80?"

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ... They irritate the sh*t out of you.
2. Men are like ...Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like ...Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like ..Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, then it's our job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we would hopefully like to have dinner with.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.

What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing confetti.

What do men and a pair of tights have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What's the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows ... it's never been done.

How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.

What is a man's idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.

How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next 20 years.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a woman?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time, who would reach the ground first?
The woman ... the man would get lost.

How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

What do you call an intelligent man in London?
A tourist.

If men got pregnant ...
Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chili, Babe!"

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawnmowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time!

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have a penis to keep them in!

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who end up playing with them.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock!

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why did God create a man before a women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.

What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.

What do a vagina, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.

Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.

Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles, whichever came first.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, men will screw anything.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.

How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack of beer.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.

The three words most hated by men during sex?
"Are you In?" or "Is It In?"

Why do men take showers instead of baths?
Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Three words women hate to hear when having sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"

not sure this is a joke but:

THE MOST OFFENSIVE WORLD RECORDS
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

LONGEST PUBES Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

ZITS In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.

WORST DRINK The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed,but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'C*nt Pump'.

GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

LONGEST TURD The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

MOST PROLONGED FART Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

No, Fluffy, that wasn't a joke.

This is a joke:

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

woof.

Mistaken Identity

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry do you know me?".

She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!".

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?".

No she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher!!!".

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started.

"Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's
finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
tiger.

"Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all
over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says: -

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemblethese pieces into anything resembling a tiger.

"He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..." he sighed,

"let's put all these Frosties back in the box."

> Subject: Eight words with two meanings
>
>
> Eight Words with two Meanings
>
> 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
> Female... Any part under a car's hood.
> Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
>
> 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
> Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
> Male... Playing cricket without a protector.
>
> 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
> Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
> Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
>
> 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
> Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
> Male... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
>
> 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
> Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
> Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer
>
> 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
> Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
> Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
>
> 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
> Female... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
> Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
>
> 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
> Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
> Male... A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 5 minutes.
>
>
> AND
>
>
> He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in
> it.
> She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
>
>
> He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
> She said . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
sit
> on the sofa and fart!
>
> He said. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
> She said . ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
>
> He said ... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
> She said . I would but you're never there.
>
> He said . . Why did the man cross the road?
> She said. He heard the chicken was a slut.
>
> He said . ... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
> She said .. . . They don't have time
>
> He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
> She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.
>
> She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every
> night?
> He said . . . A widow.
>
> He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
> She said . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
> Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

WOMAN WHO READS
>
> One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
> decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
> decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors
> and begins to read her book. Along comes a game warden in his boat. He
> pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am.
> What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies. (thinking isn't
> that obvious?) "You're in a restricted fishing area", he informs her.
> "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading. "Yes, but you
> have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
> I'll have to take you in and write you up. "If you do that, I'll have
> to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I have not
> even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all
>
> the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a
> nice day ma'am," and he left.
>
> MORAL of this STORY
>
> Never argue with a woman who reads. It is likely she can also think.

here are a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E&B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now...'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall...'".

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided".

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home..."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their f'n hand stuck in the door"

"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors* (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Language lecturer having his say at a conference...


Suddenly a voice from the back of the room says:

Yeah, right!

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone Booths when your calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

Hello? the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy. Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my Room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?

She says,

That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9.

euhw!

Superman

One day Superman was bored, as there was no crime in the city and little for him to do. Seeking excitement, he flew off to see his buddy Spiderman.

"Hey, Spidee, what's say we go over to the bar for a few cold ones?" But Spiderman was busy.
"Sorry Superman, not today."

Undaunted, Superman visited Batman, who it turned out was also busy.

Lonely and dejected, Superman cruised around the city and happened to fly by a brothel. Using his X-Ray vision, he looked inside to see Supergirl laying spread-eagle on a bed.

Feeling horny, Superman flew right into the brothel, screwed Supergirl as fast as a speeding bullet, and flew right back out.

"What the heck was that?" said Supergirl, startled.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he climbed off of Supergirl,

"but my ass hurts like hell!"

...

Bad thing about good jokes is that people forget that is already posted...

Doubt!

...

good one..

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very
> >>handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
> >>
> >>She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask
> >>you, but I don't want to offend you"
> >>
> >>She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
> >>and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
> >>hear
> >
> >
> >>just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
> >>ask that I would find offensive."
> >>
> >>"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
> >>
> >>She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1,
> >>you
> >
> >
> >>have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
> >>
> >>The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
> >>
> >>"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
> >>
> >>The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
> >
> >
> >>But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
> >>
> >>"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
> >>
> >>"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
> >>and I'm Jewish."
> >>
> >>The Nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Fancy
> >>Dress party."

change Indian to native american to understand

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of
the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white
men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or
a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and
repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our
makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake,
because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected
in the lake.

Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he
was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of
the world appeared near our camp, and is a symbol of our capacity to live and
the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand.

"Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?"

"Dad can I have 20.00 for a blow-job?" "I don't know son, you any good?"

How to keep a blond busy?
Give a document with PTO on both sides!

Just to remind there is topic for jokes...posts missing for 3 days!

A topical one!

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE Seven Dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope. "What can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers.
"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Dopey Turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back,
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
"No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says,
"Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns any where in the world?"

"I'm sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting

..."Dopey screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Maths...

@32D - I would give that a F-

Money is the root of all EVIL!!

Alcohol is the root of all problems as quoted by Homer J Simpson!!

"alchohol the cause of and solution to all of lifes problems"

An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in
and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks
out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers
that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to
the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting
to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in
and whips ! you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many
people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former
Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the
canteen..."

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and asks, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice,

"Well, honey, your eyesight is perfect!"

What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?

Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other
day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights
we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in Meeting
up and rekindling a little of that 'magic. Wow!", I said, "I don't know
if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than
when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to
the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me saying
that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she
giggled...

So I told her to f*ck off.