Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time.
Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.
Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's (Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! -- Our Customers Come First!) for a good time.
Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.
After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. Yes? she asks.
I'm here to have a good time!, Johnny Says
The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.
When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) Where have you been?
I went to a WHOREHOUSE! Johnny proudly boasted!
Johnny's dad blanched. Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?
Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!
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Jokes
No chat, just jokes
Pages: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42
A teacher asked her students to use the word FASCINATE in a sentence.
Marta said, My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals.
The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted the word FASCINATE
Sarita raised her hand.
She said, My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals.
That's good, too, said the teacher, but I wanted the word FASCINATE.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn't damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.
Johnny said proudly, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!
Marta said, My family went to the Louisville Zoo, and it was fascinating to see all the animals.
The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted the word FASCINATE
Sarita raised her hand.
She said, My family went to the Cincinnati Zoo and I was fascinated by the animals.
That's good, too, said the teacher, but I wanted the word FASCINATE.
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn't damage the word fascinate, so she called on him.
Johnny said proudly, My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight!
what did the people of birmingham say was there favourite vegetable
ozzy osbourne
ozzy osbourne
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.
He turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*ckin' menthol!".
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood.
He turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me."
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*ckin' menthol!".
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
http://www.publicradio.org/applications/fo...p?car_id=108075
John and Jane, two American tourists, went to Germany for a vacation. As they were walking through a park they noticed a man urinating in public. The woman, disgusted, said,"Gross!" The German man turned to her and replied, "Danke!"
John and Jane, two American tourists, went to Germany for a vacation. As they were walking through a park they noticed a man urinating in public. The woman, disgusted, said,"Gross!" The German man turned to her and replied, "Danke!"
$20 million Man
Still living at home and expecting to inherit a fortune when his father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to
a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but
within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over $20
million dollars."
The woman went home with Robert that night, and four days later she
became his stepmother.
Men will never learn.
Still living at home and expecting to inherit a fortune when his father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to
a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but
within a month or two, my father will pass away and I'll inherit over $20
million dollars."
The woman went home with Robert that night, and four days later she
became his stepmother.
Men will never learn.
Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?"
The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."
So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."
The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."
The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
<<<<<
>>>>>
A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."
<<<<<
>>>>>
An older couple go for their annual medical check up together. After the examining the husband, the doctor says to him:
"Your health is just fine. Do you have any other concerns you would like to discuss with me?"
"Well actually I do, but it is a bit delicate.", said the man.
"After my wife and I have sex the first time, I am seem to end up hot and sweaty. And then, after we do it the second time, strangely enough, I am usually cold and chilly."
"That is very unusual", replied the doctor.
"Let me think about that for a while and I'll get back to you."
The doctor sends the husband into the waiting room and call the wife in. After examining her, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to OK medically with you too, but do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady tells the doctor that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then thinks for a second and says to the wife:
"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he gets hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. I'm baffled, have you any idea why?"
"He's a silly old so and so!" she scoffed.
"It's obvious" she continued, "
"It's because the first time is for his birthday in July and the second time is at Christmas!"
<<<<<
>>>>>>
A social worker was visiting an old lady in the nursing home. A bowl of peanuts was sitting on the table next to her, and during the visit the social worker ate all the nuts. At the end of the visit he noticed the bowl was empty and apologized to the old lady for eating all her peanuts.
She replied, "Oh, that's O.K. Since I lost my teeth I've only been able to suck the chocolate off them anyway!"
<<<<<
>>>>>
A young blonde, needing to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started knocking on doors in a wealthy neighbourhood to find work.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"How much will you charge to paint my porch? the owner said ?"
The blonde said, "How about £50.?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "£50.! Does she realise how big our porch is?"
Her husband replied, "She should do, She was standing in it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the house owner asked in amazement.
Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in to his pocket for the £50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "your car's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that damn jar opened!"
The other replies, "Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him."
So that night he did and God replied, "You are what you are."
The next day he said to the other zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are."
The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."
<<<<<
>>>>>
A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.
The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.
The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.
The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."
The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."
<<<<<
>>>>>
An older couple go for their annual medical check up together. After the examining the husband, the doctor says to him:
"Your health is just fine. Do you have any other concerns you would like to discuss with me?"
"Well actually I do, but it is a bit delicate.", said the man.
"After my wife and I have sex the first time, I am seem to end up hot and sweaty. And then, after we do it the second time, strangely enough, I am usually cold and chilly."
"That is very unusual", replied the doctor.
"Let me think about that for a while and I'll get back to you."
The doctor sends the husband into the waiting room and call the wife in. After examining her, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to OK medically with you too, but do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady tells the doctor that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then thinks for a second and says to the wife:
"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he gets hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. I'm baffled, have you any idea why?"
"He's a silly old so and so!" she scoffed.
"It's obvious" she continued, "
"It's because the first time is for his birthday in July and the second time is at Christmas!"
<<<<<
>>>>>>
A social worker was visiting an old lady in the nursing home. A bowl of peanuts was sitting on the table next to her, and during the visit the social worker ate all the nuts. At the end of the visit he noticed the bowl was empty and apologized to the old lady for eating all her peanuts.
She replied, "Oh, that's O.K. Since I lost my teeth I've only been able to suck the chocolate off them anyway!"
<<<<<
>>>>>
A young blonde, needing to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started knocking on doors in a wealthy neighbourhood to find work.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"How much will you charge to paint my porch? the owner said ?"
The blonde said, "How about £50.?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "£50.! Does she realise how big our porch is?"
Her husband replied, "She should do, She was standing in it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the house owner asked in amazement.
Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in to his pocket for the £50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "your car's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A 75-year-old man went to the doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The Doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, Doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with he teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get that damn jar opened!"
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells
would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had
died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells
would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
THIS IS AWFUL
THE RABBIT
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right
in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the
rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the
side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a
spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays
the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the
two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns
and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this
again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in
that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so
that the man can read the label.
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
THE RABBIT
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right
in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the
rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the
side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a
spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays
the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the
two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns
and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this
again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in
that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so
that the man can read the label.
"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
sorry to post an image (again) instead of typing out a joke... and sorry the picture is in german (but I translated at the bottom)...
[img]http://www.heise.de/ct/schlagseite/05/13/gross.jpg[/img]
Woman: That is truely the worst pickupline that I have heard so far!
Guy's bubble:
(window title): System Error!
(main text): She is not reacting
(button options):
(button1): Cancel
(button2, selected): Try again
(button3): Ignore
[img]http://www.heise.de/ct/schlagseite/05/13/gross.jpg[/img]
Woman: That is truely the worst pickupline that I have heard so far!
Guy's bubble:
(window title): System Error!
(main text): She is not reacting
(button options):
(button1): Cancel
(button2, selected): Try again
(button3): Ignore
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires,hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
why does this make sense to me!
Rules For Dating My Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete moroffs. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my Binford electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is, "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool;
Places where there is darkness;
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness;
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to tempt my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat;
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided (movies which features chain saws are okay);
Hockey games are okay;
Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete moroffs. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my Binford electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is, "early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool;
Places where there is darkness;
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness;
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to tempt my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat;
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided (movies which features chain saws are okay);
Hockey games are okay;
Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
A man turned to his wife in bed and told her:
Tell you what, whenever you want to have sex, reach down and stroke it once,
whenever you DONT want to have sex, stroke it about a hundred times
Tell you what, whenever you want to have sex, reach down and stroke it once,
whenever you DONT want to have sex, stroke it about a hundred times
might already be on here but what the hell...
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly
hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how
much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass
was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each
one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world, complete
with servants.", she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
Any one for Golf ???
Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly
hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!
Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how
much your lousy drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm
voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass
was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a
genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that
you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each
one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least can do. And
I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world, complete
with servants.", she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you,
honey?"
You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for
you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
Any one for Golf ???
Two bats in a cave, and one said to the other, I am starving I will have to have some blood.
well it’s a bit late for that it will be daybreak soon, said the other bat,
well I don’t care I need blood, and off he flew. Within a few minutes he returned with blood dripping from his mouth.
The other bat said you were lucky then, not really said the bat, do you see that tree over there, yes said the other bat,
well I didn’t!!!
well it’s a bit late for that it will be daybreak soon, said the other bat,
well I don’t care I need blood, and off he flew. Within a few minutes he returned with blood dripping from his mouth.
The other bat said you were lucky then, not really said the bat, do you see that tree over there, yes said the other bat,
well I didn’t!!!
During a golf tour of Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who was never the sharpest tool in the box, and knows nothing about the game, greets him in a typically Irish manner completely unaware of who the golf pro is.
“Top o' the marnin' to ya, sur," says the attendant. Tiger nods his head in acknowledgement and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are dose?" the attendant asked.
“They’re called tees� replied Tiger.
“Bejasus — what on God’s earth are dey for?� asked the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving." replied Tiger.
“Fookin' Bejaysus!" exclaimed the Irishman, “Dem Germans tink of everything!�
“Top o' the marnin' to ya, sur," says the attendant. Tiger nods his head in acknowledgement and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are dose?" the attendant asked.
“They’re called tees� replied Tiger.
“Bejasus — what on God’s earth are dey for?� asked the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving." replied Tiger.
“Fookin' Bejaysus!" exclaimed the Irishman, “Dem Germans tink of everything!�
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you
- If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you
- If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
wedding boob...
well at least she'd shaved her pits.
well at least she'd shaved her pits.
A prosperous old dairy farmer from someplace cold finally sold out to the local agribusiness giant and retired to Florida. Being a farmer, he liked owning lots of land, so he had to buy a big place with a large pond down near the swamp. He fixed up the pond a bit, dumped a few truckloads of sand to make a little beach, and kept a small swimming area cleared of weeds and scum. Nearby he had some picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and a stone barbeque. Shading it all was a mixed grove of fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to check his fruit trees, so he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of pretty young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
As soon as they noticed him standing there watching, they all shrieked and went deeper into the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave, you dirty old man!"
The old man thought for a moment, and then said "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said "I'm just here to feed the alligators."
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to check his fruit trees, so he grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of pretty young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
As soon as they noticed him standing there watching, they all shrieked and went deeper into the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave, you dirty old man!"
The old man thought for a moment, and then said "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said "I'm just here to feed the alligators."
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined.
A month later the man offers 100 million; this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision "The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!"
Two weeks later the man approached the Pope again. This time with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope declined.
A month later the man offers 100 million; this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, The Pope announces his decision "The good news is... that we have 100 million dollars for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account!"
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road.
Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.
He turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?".
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.
He turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
TGIF!
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last, despairing tug, then yells:
"Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!
-------------------------------
There's this famer and he can't get his sheep to fall pregnant, so he goes and see a vet about it. The vet says to him "You will need to artificially inseminate the sheep. If the sheep fall pregnant, they will lie down on their stomachs" Unsure what this meant, the farmer guessed that it meant that he'd have to impregnate them himself. Confused, he thanked the vet and went on his way.
The next day, the farmer loaded all his sheep into his truck. He drove them out to the forest and one by one, did them all. Satisfied by his marathon effort, he loaded them back into the truck and went home. The next day he got up and looked out the window. No sheep were lying down so he loaded them into his truck and repeated the process. This went on for days with no avail.
The farmer got up one day, totally defeated and asked his wife to look out the window for him because he could not stand failure once more. So she looked out and replied "Sorry honey, none of them are lying down but they are all in the truck and one's beeping the horn."
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives one last, despairing tug, then yells:
"Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!
-------------------------------
There's this famer and he can't get his sheep to fall pregnant, so he goes and see a vet about it. The vet says to him "You will need to artificially inseminate the sheep. If the sheep fall pregnant, they will lie down on their stomachs" Unsure what this meant, the farmer guessed that it meant that he'd have to impregnate them himself. Confused, he thanked the vet and went on his way.
The next day, the farmer loaded all his sheep into his truck. He drove them out to the forest and one by one, did them all. Satisfied by his marathon effort, he loaded them back into the truck and went home. The next day he got up and looked out the window. No sheep were lying down so he loaded them into his truck and repeated the process. This went on for days with no avail.
The farmer got up one day, totally defeated and asked his wife to look out the window for him because he could not stand failure once more. So she looked out and replied "Sorry honey, none of them are lying down but they are all in the truck and one's beeping the horn."
heehee.
There used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000." "Yeah, he's out back" After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was LAUGHING!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh. A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant. In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry. "Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads,
"Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't run out on me, and is good in bed.
Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs.
"I'm here in response to your personal ad," he says. "I don't have arms, so I can't beat you. And I don't have legs, so I can't run out on you.
"But I need a good lover too," she replies. "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
"Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't run out on me, and is good in bed.
Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs.
"I'm here in response to your personal ad," he says. "I don't have arms, so I can't beat you. And I don't have legs, so I can't run out on you.
"But I need a good lover too," she replies. "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. So they send this reply:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a parcel and note which reads: Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.
The next day he gets a parcel and note which reads: Dear Sir, Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a toffee apple. Very truly yours, Acme Costume
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favourite positions. One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
Previous page, roots.
Damn, I didn't see that IPJ.
There was once a woman that owned two female parrots, but there was a problem! All the Parrots knew how to say was: Hi, I'm a prostitute, wanna have some fun?
So, this lady takes her parrots to the father in a church and asks for his help. The father tells her to bring her parrots to his place because he also owned two male parrots that were very clean minded and prayed all day. So the lady was like: yeah, finally my dumb parrots will learn something better to say than: Hi I'm a prostitute, wanna have some fun.
So the next day, she brings her parrots to the priest's house, and sure enough, his parrots were quietly praying in their cage. Now, the woman and the priest decided to leave the birds together for a while and see what happens.
As usual, the female parrots started their little chant: Hi I'm a prostitute, wanna hve some fun?
Now one of the male parrots opens an eye, and his eyes light up, he then turns to the other male parrot and says: Hey Peter! Our prayers have been answered!
---------------------------------------------------
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant" A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That’s nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son" replies the father. "No, at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephant’s penis." "Well, mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Mutters the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
So, this lady takes her parrots to the father in a church and asks for his help. The father tells her to bring her parrots to his place because he also owned two male parrots that were very clean minded and prayed all day. So the lady was like: yeah, finally my dumb parrots will learn something better to say than: Hi I'm a prostitute, wanna have some fun.
So the next day, she brings her parrots to the priest's house, and sure enough, his parrots were quietly praying in their cage. Now, the woman and the priest decided to leave the birds together for a while and see what happens.
As usual, the female parrots started their little chant: Hi I'm a prostitute, wanna hve some fun?
Now one of the male parrots opens an eye, and his eyes light up, he then turns to the other male parrot and says: Hey Peter! Our prayers have been answered!
---------------------------------------------------
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant" A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That’s nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son" replies the father. "No, at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephant’s penis." "Well, mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Mutters the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
Saw this in a shop window near Theresienstr.
Excellent stuff!
And for those in need...
Excellent stuff!
And for those in need...
Oooooooooooops
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very
surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said,
"Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"
Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but,
MAYBE...during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in
college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked,
"Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face.
"I'm your son's second grade teacher!"
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very
surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said,
"Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!"
Then he got a little panicky."I don't remember her," he thought but,
MAYBE...during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in
college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked,
"Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No", she said with a horrified look on her face.
"I'm your son's second grade teacher!"
Now - the scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Orstralia, one from Seeth Ifrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins.
Kiven the Kiwi says. "I must be the meanest. toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the ither day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grabbed the crocodeale and wristeled him to du ground and killed him with by beer hends."
Hansie from Seeth Ifrika who typically can't stand to be betterd said, "Well you guys. I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Nambibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted wid me bare hinds and beet it's hed off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today."
Meanwhile Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis!
Kiven the Kiwi says. "I must be the meanest. toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the ither day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grabbed the crocodeale and wristeled him to du ground and killed him with by beer hends."
Hansie from Seeth Ifrika who typically can't stand to be betterd said, "Well you guys. I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Nambibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted wid me bare hinds and beet it's hed off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today."
Meanwhile Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis!
A small Tennessee Zoo acquired a very rare gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, a vet discovered the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla around.
Reflecting on their problem, the Zoo owner thought of Cletus Johnson, a typical American hillbilly who was responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Cletus, like most rednecks, was several cans short of a six-pack and would shag anything on legs. So the Zoo owner approached Cletus with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $50.00?
Cletus showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept the offer, but only under the following four conditions:
"First," he said, "I aint gonna kiss her on tha lips."
The Zoo owner quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," Cletus said, "Y'all must promise never to tell no one 'bout this."
The Zoo owner quickly agreed to this condition too.
"Ah..fourth, ah mean third," Cletus said, "I want all mah offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."
Once again, the Zoo owner quickly agreed to this condition.
And last of all Cletus said: "Y'all gotta to give me another week to come up with the fifty bucks."
Reflecting on their problem, the Zoo owner thought of Cletus Johnson, a typical American hillbilly who was responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Cletus, like most rednecks, was several cans short of a six-pack and would shag anything on legs. So the Zoo owner approached Cletus with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $50.00?
Cletus showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept the offer, but only under the following four conditions:
"First," he said, "I aint gonna kiss her on tha lips."
The Zoo owner quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," Cletus said, "Y'all must promise never to tell no one 'bout this."
The Zoo owner quickly agreed to this condition too.
"Ah..fourth, ah mean third," Cletus said, "I want all mah offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."
Once again, the Zoo owner quickly agreed to this condition.
And last of all Cletus said: "Y'all gotta to give me another week to come up with the fifty bucks."
I thought these were pretty funny, hope you do too...
The questions below, about Australia purported are from potential visitors. Allegedly, they were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. Allegedly.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
The questions below, about Australia purported are from potential visitors. Allegedly, they were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour. Allegedly.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Yeah, they were funny when I read them a couple of years ago
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed
away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to
visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while
we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people
nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking
for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,
realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best
time to do it was when the church bells would start to
ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out
on the Dong.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd
still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to
visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while
we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people
nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking
for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago,
realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best
time to do it was when the church bells would start to
ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out
on the Dong.
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd
still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
pretty sure that one's already been posted silva
heehee.
Chinese Wisdom ...translated
o Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
o Man who run in front of car get tired.
o Man who run behind car get exhausted.
o Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
o Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
o Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
o Man with one chopstick go hungry.
o Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
o Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
o Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
o War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.
o Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
o Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
o It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
o Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
o Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
o Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
...and some more serious Chinese wisdom. This time by Confucius
* Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.
* Respect yourself and others will respect you.
* Silence is the true friend that never betrays.
* Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated
* What is the sound of one hand clapping?
* Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.
* The way to do is to be.
o Virginity like bubble, one prick - all gone.
o Man who run in front of car get tired.
o Man who run behind car get exhausted.
o Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
o Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
o Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
o Man with one chopstick go hungry.
o Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
o Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
o Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
o War does not determine who is right; war determine who is left.
o Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
o Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
o It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to fill it.
o Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
o Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
o Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
...and some more serious Chinese wisdom. This time by Confucius
* Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.
* Respect yourself and others will respect you.
* Silence is the true friend that never betrays.
* Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated
* What is the sound of one hand clapping?
* Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.
* The way to do is to be.
hee.
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and finds the elephant dead. "Damn", says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
----------------------
What did the elephant say to the nude man? Cute, but can you breathe through it?
----------------------
What did the elephant say to the nude man? Cute, but can you breathe through it?
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
-------
There'd be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks!
sh*tting herself.
-------
There'd be less litter in the world if blind people were given pointed sticks!
Never ever adopt a midget with learning difficulties...it's not big and it's not clever.
St. Peter has to run an errand. He has been standing guard at the Pearly Gates for 500 years and he really has to go. He asks Jesus, "Hey, look, can you do me a favor? Take over here for a few minutes while I run a quick errand."
Jesus says, "But I've never done this before."
"It's nothing," says St. Peter. "here's a pad and a pencil. When people come up, you ask them their name, where they lived, get their occupation and ask them any pertinent questions. If they sound cool, let them in. That's all there is to it. I've gotta go." And he runs off.
A few minutes later an old man comes up and Jesus asks him, "What's your name?"
The little old man says, "In English I think you would say my name is Joseph."
"And what," says Jesus, "was your occupation?"
"I was a carpenter," says Joseph.
"Okay," says Jesus, writing all this down. He looks carefully at the man, then asks, "Did you have any children?"
"Yes," says the man. "I had a son."
Jesus looks at these three answers. Then looks back at the man. He then asks, "Was there anything unusual about your son?"
"Yes," says the old man. "My son did not come into this world in the usual way. He also had nail holes in his hands and his feet ... "
At which point Jesus throws open his arms and says, "Dad!"
The old man looks up at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
Jesus says, "But I've never done this before."
"It's nothing," says St. Peter. "here's a pad and a pencil. When people come up, you ask them their name, where they lived, get their occupation and ask them any pertinent questions. If they sound cool, let them in. That's all there is to it. I've gotta go." And he runs off.
A few minutes later an old man comes up and Jesus asks him, "What's your name?"
The little old man says, "In English I think you would say my name is Joseph."
"And what," says Jesus, "was your occupation?"
"I was a carpenter," says Joseph.
"Okay," says Jesus, writing all this down. He looks carefully at the man, then asks, "Did you have any children?"
"Yes," says the man. "I had a son."
Jesus looks at these three answers. Then looks back at the man. He then asks, "Was there anything unusual about your son?"
"Yes," says the old man. "My son did not come into this world in the usual way. He also had nail holes in his hands and his feet ... "
At which point Jesus throws open his arms and says, "Dad!"
The old man looks up at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he cried out, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
woof.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he cried out, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
woof.
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