Jokes

Makes you think...

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk
cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the
doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!

A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS
1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men
suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life
span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from
all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies
behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. Why do men always have to ogle at other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all
the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you?
Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not
getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic
memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later
reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our
memory by staring as much as we can.

3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added
bonus.

4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open
it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why do men have to act like such retards?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's
the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so
much of the world nowadays.

7. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that
men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel
when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme
emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have
no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to
figure out how I feel.

8. Why can't men cuddle more (i.e., lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige
you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand
lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go
roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting
on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other
story.

9. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by
evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one
spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended
periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny.
The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etcetera.
The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this
innate ability.

10. Why can't men just say "I love you?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To
say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most
men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's
own character faults.

11. Why do men say "I love you" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a
sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still
works quite well.

12. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of
your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you
will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the
energy for other things.

13. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we
know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to
let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended
periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to
go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours
to look at things we have no intention of killing? err... Buying?

Peter Kay one liners...

"I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs."
"Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it."
"So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest"."
"You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
"The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?"."
"So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
"I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one"."
"So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
"So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays"."
"But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."
"So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray."
"So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck"."
"But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite... one jar."
"So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-oover's witness"."
"You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter."
"So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again"."
"So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt."
"He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment"."
"Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch."
"And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel."
"So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"."
"So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster"."
"Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here""
"A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything""
"A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?""
"A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here""
"A seal walks into a club... "
"A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road.""
"A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.""
"A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.""
"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."
"A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.""
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me."
"Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?"
"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming."
"I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder."
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals."
"Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way."
"My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade."
"Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."
"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.""
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?"
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
"You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither."
"Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living."
"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." {I'm almost sure this is really Steven Wright's joke}
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"My friend crossed a Pitbull with a Shitzu and ended up with a bull shit."

This is a S.A. joke...[/SIZE]

Adam and Eve in SA English ...

Adam & Eve are trapping around the Garden of Eden kaalgat. Eve checks
this
lekker apple and she skiems nooit hey, I'm gonna graze it.
Just then a voice from abovve charfs her. "Leave the apple, or I will
send
an unimaginable plague upon the earth."
She kaks herself half stukkend and losses the apple.

A bit later Adam is trapping along when he gooi's a sharp right and
Finds
this apple. "Bliksem" he skiems. Ah'm gonna chow this thing.

Just then A voice from above chirps him. "Leave the apple, or I will
send an
unimaginable plague upon the earth".

"Ag nooit hey" he rekons, "I'm Stukkend hungry" and he grazes it. That
night
he and Eve are in bed, when he hears a knock at the door. He pluks open
the
front door to hear: "Eh, sorry baaas, Em looking for a job..."
...and so the plague began...

Smart Old Man

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening
with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was
looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want
something very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller
said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by
check. " I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write
now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick
the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no
money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great... some azzhole's got my pen."

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked: "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..."Go get your mother."

Girlfriend cheating story

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs: Phone rings, I answer, caller hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls, it is always "just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always look out for her taxi coming home, but she always comes walking up the driveway as I hear a car setting off... as if she had exited the car 'round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her?

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth. But last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

Sorry about the length, but I find this hilarious.

High School Essays...

Actual similes and metaphors found in real high school essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a
guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those
boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just
before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling
ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled
with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy
comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you
fry
them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across
the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p. m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19
p. m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Melinda had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had
also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the
East
River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap,
only
one that had been left out so long, it bad rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,
this
plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating
for awhile.

22. "Oh, Jason, take me!", she panted, her breasts heaving like a
college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.

23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,
but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.

24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender
leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

26. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells,
as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

27. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in
any
pH cleanser.

29. She walked into my office like a centipede with
98 missing legs.

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.

I'd first like to say these jokes were found on www.ebaumsworld.com/index2.shtml

and now for the jokes...

-----

Joke 1
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

Joke 2
Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced.

Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

-----

Thank you. You may be seated now.

The worst joke I read in quite some time:
- Little Old Lady Who?
- I didn't know you could yodel!

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook-hand, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"?

"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

The year is 2005 and...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't
have e-mail addresses
6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a
business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING AT YOURSELF.

A really huge, mean looking guy goes up to a department store counter and asks, "W-w-where's the m-m-men's dep-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

"Wh-wh-what kind of lousy s-service is this?" the big guy demands, and finally storms off.

The next customer in line walks up to the counter and asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "Do you th-th-think I w-w-want to get my b-b-b-butt kicked?!"

Mama said a joke before curry is always good for digestion so here you go.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives... "
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

SOME CHRISTIAN HUMOR

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I
will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets! .

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power
went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! !@#@$!@%^#$^!@$%@!!@$#!! said Satan.

"I lost everything when the power went out!" #)*^%*#%#@!@%~!@#%!!!

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed.

"That's not fair! He cheated!

How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

BAKED BEANS

If this doesn't make you laugh out loud, nothing will...

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.

She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go forthis carrying on." She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk , she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the
telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she
went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

25th Anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?�

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to f--- your brains out, and suck your tits dry.�

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?�

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.�

Never try to outsmart a woman!

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the coffin with me. I want to take my money to the Afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the coffin with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the coffin his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the coffin, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the coffin.

Then the undertakers locked the coffin down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that coffin with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the coffin with him!!!?"

"I sure did" said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Disturbing...but it got a chuckle out of me...

A young cowboy walks into the only cafe in the small Montana town of Two Dot.

He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely
asks, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do"?

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best
cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead".

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and
starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a
dead rat in the chili.

The sight was shocking & he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

What's black and stands between two charred sticks?

A burnt cripple

Mwa!

Ooh, just remembered another crap joke.

What's white and hangs from the clouds??

The coming of the Lord

Ahhhhhh, the quality of my jokes. Astounding.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse is that outside?"

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whisky, slams down the glass, turns and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?"

The cowboy looks and him and says, "Well, your horse is standing there in the sun and he don't look too good."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver.

The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realises there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whisky.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that
outside?" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?"

"Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

There was two mexican thugs, Poncho and Pedro. Pedro is a small ruthless badass. And Pedro is his big and dumb sidekick.
So they're sitting down outside and there's a group of 10 other mexicans in the distance...
So Pedro turns to Poncho and says "Hey Poncho, you see dat guy over der?"
Poncho:"Which guy Pedro?"
Pedro:"Da guy wit da sombrero.."
Poncho:"But Pedro, dey all got sombreros"
Pedro:"Poncho, you idiot, da guy wit da white shirt!"
Poncho:"But Pedro... They all got white shirts!"
Pedro:"You big dumb good for nothing... Its DA GUY WIT DA BOOTS"
Poncho shruggs and says "Pedro, Im sorry, but they all got boots"
At this point Pedro gets really pissed off, takes out his gun and BAM BAM BAM... shoots 9 of them down, and there's one of them left, and says "Dat guy, you see him now?"
Poncho says "yes Pedro, what about him"
Pedro says "One day... I going to keel him!"

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and
attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...

The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a Federal Liberal politician in the making. Who else but a Federal Liberal politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

A woman enrolled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm. "Sure!" she says, "He's at home playing videogames..."

look quick, I don't know how long the picture will still be online.

[img]http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2073246050531.gif[/img]

this thread must be doing wonders for Winegirl's hot poster rating

Mary had a little sheep,
She took to bed to sleep,
The sheep turned out,
To be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy, when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked. "Nope," Jimmy replied. "Well did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked. "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they 'doing the nasty'.

Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch.

He vowed to get one for himself. That night he waited outside his parents’ room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily; "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied. Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and keep quiet, then."

Alternative poems...

Little boy blue
He needed the money

On my way to work this morning I saw a man eating tiger...

He said "Mmmmm it taste really nice this tiger"

(Sorry!)

If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes

How many can you solve? (Answers below)

1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended, sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the team performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken by the first member.

2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocal arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viands under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of the viands devoid of contents.

3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involved in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion into the saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed by removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made a declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a young male human.

4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an agriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed triple caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used for the subdivision of edible tissue.

5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a small immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of which reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water. Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the same pathway.

6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used for production of various types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceaninc growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.

1. Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.

2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean;
And so betwixt them both,
they lick'd the platter clean..

3. Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plum
And said "What a good boy am I!"

4. Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run.
They all ran after the farmer's wife
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a sight in your life
As three blind mice.

5. Mary had a Little Lamb
Whose fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.

6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow.
With silver bells, and cockle shells
And pretty maidens, all in a row.

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother
with the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that
your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his
father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household
appliances come in white."

This is how we would do it today in the age of computers.

Bobby says: Daddy, how was I born?

Dad says: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your mum and I first got together in a chat room on
MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mum and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed
to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of
us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male

LITTLE FLAB

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife,
pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid
of your control top panty hose". While this was on the edge of
intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her
reasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid
of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over
and grabbed him by his old fella.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this
up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and
your brother."

Eine Frau will für Ihren Mann ein Haustier kaufen. Sie geht in den Tierladen, aber sie findet die Preise sehr hoch. Als sie den Inhaber
nach günstigen Tieren fragt, bietet der Ihr einen Frosch für 25 Euro an.

Sie wundert sich warum auch dieses Tier so teuer ist. Er erklärt ihr, dass es ein ganz besonderer Frosch sei. Er könne blasen!

Sie überlegt nicht lange und kauft den Frosch, mit dem Hintergedanken es selber nicht mehr machen zu müssen.

Sie überreicht den Frosch ihrem Mann. Dieser ist sehr skeptisch, aber gleich heute Abend will er es ausprobieren.

Mitten in der Nacht wacht die Frau auf, da sie in der Küche Töpfe und Pfannen klappern hört. Als sie in die Küche geht, sieht sie ihren Mann und den Frosch das Kochbuch durchstöbern.

"Warum durchstöbert ihr zwei Kochbücher um diese Uhrzeit?" fragt sie. Ihr Mann schaut zu ihr auf und sagt: "Sobald der Frosch kochen kann, fliegst du raus"

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was
dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a
boyfriend
now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The
religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.
I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in
focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping
to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to
open
the door,> and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin'
her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.

Bloke goes in shop and asks for Irish Sausages.
The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?
Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"
The assistant says, "Well no".
And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American?
What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're at Homebase."

Apologies - worst joke ever!

Fresh Scandal hits football:

- Sophie Ellis-Bextor has been found dead in the hotel room of a top French footballer. Police are saying little, but have confirmed they're treating it as murder on Zidane's floor.

Things That Are Difficult to Say When Drunk:
Cinnamon
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation

Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When Drunk:
British Constitution
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
Passive-aggressive disorder
Specificity

Things That Are Downright IMPOSSIBLE to Say When Drunk:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
You're right; I can't jump over that table.

A blonde wife comes to her husband running and very excited, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!. I am pregnant and we are having twins"
Husband grabs her, kisses her and says, "That's fantastic! I have been waiting to become a dad for so long. But how do you know they are twins?"
"Well, I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE...FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2. ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
3. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
4. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
5. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
6. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her...oh and you stop having sex when you're married.
7. Birthdays, valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
8. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
9. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
10. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
11. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
12. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
13. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
14. You have enough clothes.
15. You have too many shoes.
16. Crying is blackmail.
17. Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one. Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.
19. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
22. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
23. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
24. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
25. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee, Jackie Chan, or Jet Li flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway).
26. Check your oil!!!.
27. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
28. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
29. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
30. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle (stare). We're going to look anyway. It's genetic.
33. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
35. If it itches, it will be scratched.
36. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
37. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong.
38. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
39. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that. It's like camping.

the keyboard is the new and improved one for men

This made me laugh, arrived in hotmail junk this morning.

Entitled:

Remove your debt the christian way:

Edit: I wonder if they forgive you if you default on a payment??

Frank can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Frank asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later the gives frank the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". Frank takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Frank starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Frank says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass."

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

There are two palestinian women walking down the street together.

One turns to the other, points to her clothes and asks

'does my bomb look big in this'