> > Our scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in
> case you saw
> the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents
> and 2
> sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got
> drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for
> Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother
> and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast.
> I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It
> was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it
> hadn't been for the
> lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a
> hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell
> him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear
> him.
> Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can
> will blow up?
> The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did.
> Also some of
> our clothes. Bob is going to look weird until his hair
> grows back.
> We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the
> car fixed.
> It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK
> when we left.
> Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to
> expect something to break down; that's probably why he
> can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He
> doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes
> he lets us ride on the tailgate.
> It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us
> take turns riding in the trailer until the highway
> patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a
> neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver.
> In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only
> lets him
> drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.
> All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
> This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks
> and swimming
> out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I
> can't swim and
> Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he
> let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You
> can still see some of the trees under the water from the
> flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some
> scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life
> jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car
> so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. > Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit
> badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got
> to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up.
> Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning
> from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way
> with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out
> and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how
> to get things done better while he was doing his time.
> I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our
> letters and buy
> bullets
> Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
> > > Love, Cole
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Jokes
No chat, just jokes
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John and Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Saturday
afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot...", he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by..."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company..."
he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike..."
"The Coopers are having sex..."
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked,
"Uh...how do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle too."
afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to
send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot...", he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by..."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company..."
he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike..."
"The Coopers are having sex..."
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously asked,
"Uh...how do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle too."
Fred and Cathy made a deal that whoever died first would come
back and inform the other of the Afterlife. Their biggest fear was
that there was no after life.
After many years the husband was the first to go, and true to
his word, he made contact, "Cathy, Cathy"..."
"Is that you, Red?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to
the golf course, have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex
until late at night. The next day it starts again".
"Oh, Red, you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Well, not exactly. Actually, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in
Arizona."
back and inform the other of the Afterlife. Their biggest fear was
that there was no after life.
After many years the husband was the first to go, and true to
his word, he made contact, "Cathy, Cathy"..."
"Is that you, Red?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to
the golf course, have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex
until late at night. The next day it starts again".
"Oh, Red, you surely must be in Heaven!"
"Well, not exactly. Actually, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in
Arizona."
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'
'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!'.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'
'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!'.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
The President wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees 'The President Sucks' written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return. 'Well sir,' says the first agent, 'the urine has been analyzed and it's the Vice President's'. The President goes purple with rage and shouts, 'Is that all?' 'Well no sir,' says the agent, 'It's the First Lady's handwriting.'
@lemon
that is my favourate joke of all time. ta.
"funfair dismissal" also highly praised.
anyway...
a middle-aged husband and wife are having dinner. and the wife suddenly gets all maudlin... "If i die first, will you take another wife?"
he says, "no of course not! i would still be in love with you!"
"i wouldn't mind, i mean life goes on, i wouldn't expect you to be in mourning for me for ever"
"oh, well in, that case, maybe i would", he says
"and you would live in this house?"
"oh heavens no! how could i lay with a new wife in the same house that we spent so many great years in!"
she replies, "it doesn't matter to me, this is a great house it would be silly not to stay here. she could even use my golf clubs"
he replies, "no she couldn't she's left handed".
that is my favourate joke of all time. ta.
"funfair dismissal" also highly praised.
anyway...
a middle-aged husband and wife are having dinner. and the wife suddenly gets all maudlin... "If i die first, will you take another wife?"
he says, "no of course not! i would still be in love with you!"
"i wouldn't mind, i mean life goes on, i wouldn't expect you to be in mourning for me for ever"
"oh, well in, that case, maybe i would", he says
"and you would live in this house?"
"oh heavens no! how could i lay with a new wife in the same house that we spent so many great years in!"
she replies, "it doesn't matter to me, this is a great house it would be silly not to stay here. she could even use my golf clubs"
he replies, "no she couldn't she's left handed".
Not sure if this one is one here or not...
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, >using a bowl of lifesavers.
>
>He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and >asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
>
>The children began to say:
>
>"Red...cherry,"
>"Yellow...lemon,"
>"Green...lime," and
>"Orange...orange."
>
>Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them >for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
>
>"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may >sometimes call your father."
>
>One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, >"Oh,
>My God!!! Spit 'em out! They're assholes!"
>
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, >using a bowl of lifesavers.
>
>He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and >asked them to identify them by color and flavor.
>
>The children began to say:
>
>"Red...cherry,"
>"Yellow...lemon,"
>"Green...lime," and
>"Orange...orange."
>
>Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them >for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.
>
>"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may >sometimes call your father."
>
>One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, >"Oh,
>My God!!! Spit 'em out! They're assholes!"
>
lol Nicole...
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
His wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was doing his job okay, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured it wouldn't hurt anything. So he gets a young cock and and lets it loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they are trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.
He walks up to the new bird and says,"So, you are the new guy in town. I bet you think you're really hot stuff don't you? I'm not exactly ready for the chopping block yet. I bet I'm still the better bird and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens to himself. And since you are in your prime, I ask for half a lap head-start".
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll give you the head start. I'll still win easily," said the young cocky rooster.
So, the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gather around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old roosters lead continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he just barely led the young rooster. By then the farmer had heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, got his shot gun, and ran out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shot gun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away.
He walked away slowly, saying to himself... "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
He walks up to the new bird and says,"So, you are the new guy in town. I bet you think you're really hot stuff don't you? I'm not exactly ready for the chopping block yet. I bet I'm still the better bird and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens to himself. And since you are in your prime, I ask for half a lap head-start".
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll give you the head start. I'll still win easily," said the young cocky rooster.
So, the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gather around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy’s lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there.
Unfortunately the old roosters lead continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he just barely led the young rooster. By then the farmer had heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, got his shot gun, and ran out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shot gun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away.
He walked away slowly, saying to himself... "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
One evening recently, a mother entered her daughter's bedroom to
discover it empty. As she looked around, she spied a letter over the
bed. With trembling hands and a terrible sense of premonition, she
read...
Dear Mom;
Please don't be mad, but I eloped with my new boyfriend. I finally
found real love and he is so nice Mom, with all his piercing and
tattoos and his big Harley. Not only that, I'm pregnant and Remo says
we're going to be really happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants
to have lots more children with me and you know that's one of my
dreams too.
Also, he taught me that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we're
going to grow it for us and his friends, who will pay us by giving us
all the cocaine and ecstasy we'll ever need and we'll pray every day
for scientists to find the cure for AIDS so that Ahmed can get better.
He deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
to take c! are of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know
your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
After fainting, Mom came to her senses and read the rest of the letter...
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Janey's house. I just wanted
to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card
on my desk.. love you
Best Regards,
Nikita
discover it empty. As she looked around, she spied a letter over the
bed. With trembling hands and a terrible sense of premonition, she
read...
Dear Mom;
Please don't be mad, but I eloped with my new boyfriend. I finally
found real love and he is so nice Mom, with all his piercing and
tattoos and his big Harley. Not only that, I'm pregnant and Remo says
we're going to be really happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants
to have lots more children with me and you know that's one of my
dreams too.
Also, he taught me that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we're
going to grow it for us and his friends, who will pay us by giving us
all the cocaine and ecstasy we'll ever need and we'll pray every day
for scientists to find the cure for AIDS so that Ahmed can get better.
He deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how
to take c! are of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know
your grandchildren.
Your daughter,
Judith
After fainting, Mom came to her senses and read the rest of the letter...
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Janey's house. I just wanted
to show you that there are worse things in life than the report card
on my desk.. love you
Best Regards,
Nikita
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
he choked on his own vimto.
he choked on his own vimto.
Why don't witches wear panties?
Better grip on the broom.
Better grip on the broom.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Jim said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," Said the doctor. "I really am...I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Jim replied.
"Okay then," Jim said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor.
Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," Said the doctor. "I really am...I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Jim replied.
This guy rings up his office Monday morning to say he is not gonna be at work that day because he is sick. The boss says "How sick?" and the guy says "I am in bed with my 10 year old niece".
Oldie but a goodie
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothes and place them in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah
And pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothes and place them in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah
And pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
A newly ordained priest is nervous about hearing confessions and asks an older priest to observe one of his sessions and give him some tips. After a few minutes of listening, the old priest suggests that they have a word.
"Just a few suggestions," says the older priest. "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The younger priest tries this.
"Very good," says his senior. "Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'yes, go on'." The younger priest practises these things too.
"Well done," says the older priest. "Now don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'?"
"Just a few suggestions," says the older priest. "Try folding your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The younger priest tries this.
"Very good," says his senior. "Now try saying things like 'I see', 'I understand' and 'yes, go on'." The younger priest practises these things too.
"Well done," says the older priest. "Now don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'?"
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When
I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right
here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you
know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you
were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When
I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right
here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you
know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Health Tips... Study in Germany. An old clipping though.
(This joke is aimed at Brits, but for the USA replace 'XR3i' with a kind of car that you would associate with foolish young men, like DW for example).
Three Essex boys pull into a car park one after the other - all are driving XR3i's, identical except their colour. The first one steps out and proudly announces
"I call mine Blue Thunder, because it's blue, and it goes like thunder".
"That's funny", says the driver of the white XR3i, "because call mine White Lightning, because it's white and it goes like lightning".
"Well that's weird, because I've got a name for mine too" announces the driver of the red XR3i "I call it red clitoris".
"Red clitoris??" Exclaim muppets 1 and 2 - "Why?"
"Because it's red, and ever cunt's got one"...
Three Essex boys pull into a car park one after the other - all are driving XR3i's, identical except their colour. The first one steps out and proudly announces
"I call mine Blue Thunder, because it's blue, and it goes like thunder".
"That's funny", says the driver of the white XR3i, "because call mine White Lightning, because it's white and it goes like lightning".
"Well that's weird, because I've got a name for mine too" announces the driver of the red XR3i "I call it red clitoris".
"Red clitoris??" Exclaim muppets 1 and 2 - "Why?"
"Because it's red, and ever cunt's got one"...
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?� The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.� There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
Warning: 'groan' joke
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!?!" exclaimed the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,
"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!?!" exclaimed the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
An old one, but makes me wet myself everytime I read it.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
Another Vet Joke(or atleast I call it that way)...
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTED
Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, and then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
HELP WANTED
Must be a good typist and be good with a computer.
Successful applicant must be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.
A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.
The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, and then presented them to the manager.
The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."
The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity employer."
The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the damned sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."
Two irish blokes buy a pig each.
Murphy asks paddy "Paddy, how are we gonna be able to tell whose pig is whose?"
Paddy to murphy "Well, I'll slice the tail off my pig. That way, you'll have the pig with the tail and I'll have the pig with no tail"
So thats what paddy does. The two lads can tell their pigs apart just fine for weeks. Until one day murphy bursts into paddy's room and says "Paddy Paddy, your pigs only gone and chewed the tail offa my pig! Now we've got two pigs with no tails and we can't tell them apart!"
Paddy "Calm down murphy. I'll just cut one of the ears offa my pig. That way we'll have two pigs, one with no tail and one ear and the other with no tail and two ears."
So thats just what he does. The two can tell their pigs apart fine for a few weeks. But then Murphy bursts into Paddy's room again. "Paddy Paddy, your pigs only gone and chewed the ear offa my pig! Now we've got two pigs with no tails and an ear each and I can't tell them apart!"
Paddy "Calm down murphy. I'll just cut the other ear offa my pig. That way we'll have two pigs, one with no tail and one ear and the other with no tail and no ears."
So thats just what he does. The two can tell their pigs apart fine for a few weeks. But then Murphy bursts into Paddy's room again. "Paddy Paddy, your pigs only gone and chewed the other ear offa my pig! Now we've got two pigs with no tails and no ears and I can't tell them apart!"
Paddy "For Christs sake! I tell you what, why don't you have the pink one and I'll have the black one?"
Murphy asks paddy "Paddy, how are we gonna be able to tell whose pig is whose?"
Paddy to murphy "Well, I'll slice the tail off my pig. That way, you'll have the pig with the tail and I'll have the pig with no tail"
So thats what paddy does. The two lads can tell their pigs apart just fine for weeks. Until one day murphy bursts into paddy's room and says "Paddy Paddy, your pigs only gone and chewed the tail offa my pig! Now we've got two pigs with no tails and we can't tell them apart!"
Paddy "Calm down murphy. I'll just cut one of the ears offa my pig. That way we'll have two pigs, one with no tail and one ear and the other with no tail and two ears."
So thats just what he does. The two can tell their pigs apart fine for a few weeks. But then Murphy bursts into Paddy's room again. "Paddy Paddy, your pigs only gone and chewed the ear offa my pig! Now we've got two pigs with no tails and an ear each and I can't tell them apart!"
Paddy "Calm down murphy. I'll just cut the other ear offa my pig. That way we'll have two pigs, one with no tail and one ear and the other with no tail and no ears."
So thats just what he does. The two can tell their pigs apart fine for a few weeks. But then Murphy bursts into Paddy's room again. "Paddy Paddy, your pigs only gone and chewed the other ear offa my pig! Now we've got two pigs with no tails and no ears and I can't tell them apart!"
Paddy "For Christs sake! I tell you what, why don't you have the pink one and I'll have the black one?"
Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Dave, you're a vet..."
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:
"Dave, you're a vet..."
@dragon
That has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read..
That has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read..
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any
sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with
her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her
MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So,
she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said,
"OK, you take off all your crose."
"Now, get down and clawl reery fass to the odder side of room."
So, she did...
Dr. Chang then said, "OK now clawl reery fass to me".
So she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf
Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Zachary rike your ass."
sex in quite sometime. She was afraid she might have something wrong with
her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her
MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So,
she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said,
"OK, you take off all your crose."
"Now, get down and clawl reery fass to the odder side of room."
So, she did...
Dr. Chang then said, "OK now clawl reery fass to me".
So she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf
Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asked, "What is Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Zachary rike your ass."
Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress.
He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity
as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come...about 5:00."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"
Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity
as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...thought you might like to come...about 5:00."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"
Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere,"says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's car to drive to the top of
the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says
"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts
them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes
his head and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous
for me!"
THERE'S MORE
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi,
Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
Cliff still holding the parrot and the shotgun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus swings the shotgun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff holding the chicken over his head and falls down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting..and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"
section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up
dere,"says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's car to drive to the top of
the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says
"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts
them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes
his head and says "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous
for me!"
THERE'S MORE
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi,
Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
Cliff still holding the parrot and the shotgun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus swings the shotgun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says
"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"
IT IS NOT OVER YET
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og
appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out
of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff holding the chicken over his head and falls down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den
Seamus parrotshooting..and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get
Acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill
Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal,
too. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House,
she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the
fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting Ready for bed, Hillary
smiled, and said to Bill:
"I found out who pissed in your saxophone".
Acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill
Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.
"Just think," he said, "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal,
too. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House,
she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the
fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting Ready for bed, Hillary
smiled, and said to Bill:
"I found out who pissed in your saxophone".
-Why does a chicken have no breasts?
Because the cock has no hands.
-How did we get Mad cow's desease?
If someone played with your titts all day everyday and you weren't getting any, you'd go mad too.
-Why do we call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Desease was already taken
Because the cock has no hands.
-How did we get Mad cow's desease?
If someone played with your titts all day everyday and you weren't getting any, you'd go mad too.
-Why do we call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Desease was already taken
For the unaware, there is a slight difference between private schools and comprehensives in Britain.
The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers
accordingly.
Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.
MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?
3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?
4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?
6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?
MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)
School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________
1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance
settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?
2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?
4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?
The Department of Education has realised this and has revised the secondary Maths Exam papers
accordingly.
Attached are the most recent maths exam papers for your reference.
MATHS TEST FOR COMPREHENSIVES
Name _____________________________
Nickname__________________________
Gang Name________________________
1. Simon has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Matt for 300 quid and 90 grams to Ollie for 90 quid, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
2. Damon pimps 3 bitches. If the price is GBP40 a ride, how many jobs per day must each bitch perform to support Damon's GBP500 a day coke habit?
3. Crackster wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 quid to make a 20% profit. How many grams of Strychnine will he need?
4. Trev got 6 years for murder. He also got GBP350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends GBP33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Trev get for killing the slapper that spent his money?
5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans of spray paint with 20% extra paint free ?
6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at a speed of 35mph, Jordan loads his brother's Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?
MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS
Name___________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________
(If longer please continue on a separate sheet)
School _______________________________________________
Daddy's/Mummy's Company ____________________________
1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing x amount of damage and killing 3 people. The old man asks his local Chief Constable to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance
settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?
2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Fiona doesn't even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?
3. Tristram fancies the arse off a certain number of debutants, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 tablets of Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two thirds?
4. If Verity throws up 4 times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace. If she only throws up 3 times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?
5. Henry is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week. When will he stand for parliament?
Tired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!
-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!
-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.
A Blonde In Mourning
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying
that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl,
"Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the
day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need
anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He
looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying.
He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going be OK?"
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me
that HER mom died too!"
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked
sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying
that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl,
"Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the
day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, "If you need
anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He
looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying.
He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going be OK?"
"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me
that HER mom died too!"
What Women Want In A Man...Find your Age Group...Ha Ha
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
A man was sitting in a bar which happened to be located on the top of a skyscraper. A big fella walked in and said, 'bartender, give me a Jack Daniels.' Then he downed the Jack and jumped out the window. The man sitting at the bar was stunned, as the big guy floated back in and sat down. The man at the bar was amazed and said, 'mister, how in the world did you do that?'
The man said, 'Its simple, there are a lot of wind currents up here and they sweep you right back in after you jump.'
The man at the bar said, 'Well, can I try?'
'Sure.'
So the man ran and jumped out the window and fell to his death making a terrible racket. The bartender looked at the man and said, 'Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk!'
The man said, 'Its simple, there are a lot of wind currents up here and they sweep you right back in after you jump.'
The man at the bar said, 'Well, can I try?'
'Sure.'
So the man ran and jumped out the window and fell to his death making a terrible racket. The bartender looked at the man and said, 'Superman, you can be a real jerk when you're drunk!'
1.Start at Your House.
2.Make your way to Munich Airport.
3.Catch flight from Munich to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
5.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South"
follow for 0.2 miles.
6.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for
0.3 miles
7.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North
AirportExit" follow for 2.9 miles
8.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for29.2
miles
9.Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
10."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
11.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for104.0
miles
12."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
13.Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
14.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for
7.8 miles
15.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles
16.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for1.7
miles
17.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles
18.Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"
...Now that's the way to f*cking Amarillo!!!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW!!!
2.Make your way to Munich Airport.
3.Catch flight from Munich to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
4.Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.
5.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South"
follow for 0.2 miles.
6.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for
0.3 miles
7.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North
AirportExit" follow for 2.9 miles
8.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for29.2
miles
9.Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
10."US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
11.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for104.0
miles
12."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
13.Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
14.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for
7.8 miles
15.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5miles
16.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for1.7
miles
17.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1miles
18.Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"
...Now that's the way to f*cking Amarillo!!!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW!!!
A man gets up one morning to find his wife
already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night
when you came to bed very drunk," she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks away
thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking
her to cook my sock..."
already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night
when you came to bed very drunk," she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks away
thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking
her to cook my sock..."
dragon... Good one!
A woman desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory. The Personal
Manager goes over her resume and tells her that he has nothing worthy of
her. The woman says she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personal Manager says he only has a low skilled job on the "Tickle Me
Elmo" line. The woman happily accepts.
He takes her to the line and explains her duties and that she should report
for work at 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 the "Tickle Me Elmo" Line Manager is in the Personnel
Manager's office ranting about the woman just hired. After 15 minutes of
screaming about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal
Manager suggests seeing the problem.
They head to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to
kingdom come. At the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has
gathered a big bag of marbles and a roll of the fabric used for making the
Elmos. As they watch, she cuts a little piece of fabric places two marble in
it and starts sewing it between Elmo's legs.
The Personal Managers starts rolling on the floor laughing. After 10 minutes,
he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm
sorry, I guess I didn't make myself clear yesterday. We want you to give
Elmo two test tickles."
Manager goes over her resume and tells her that he has nothing worthy of
her. The woman says she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personal Manager says he only has a low skilled job on the "Tickle Me
Elmo" line. The woman happily accepts.
He takes her to the line and explains her duties and that she should report
for work at 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 the "Tickle Me Elmo" Line Manager is in the Personnel
Manager's office ranting about the woman just hired. After 15 minutes of
screaming about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal
Manager suggests seeing the problem.
They head to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to
kingdom come. At the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has
gathered a big bag of marbles and a roll of the fabric used for making the
Elmos. As they watch, she cuts a little piece of fabric places two marble in
it and starts sewing it between Elmo's legs.
The Personal Managers starts rolling on the floor laughing. After 10 minutes,
he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm
sorry, I guess I didn't make myself clear yesterday. We want you to give
Elmo two test tickles."
When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you,
the world seems to be fading away,
come along with me
i'll take u to an eye specialist !!
January to december
sunday to saturday
Am to Pm
My feelings for u have never changed...
u...
R...
always...
a HEADACHE to me !!!
If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage
During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom is made to sit on the horse ?
He is given his last chance to run away.
Just close ur eyes and think of urself for 10 seconds...
Open ur eyes !
Now you will realize that u have wasted 10 sec in thinking of a
fool...
I wrote ur name on the sands...
it got washed away,
I wrote ur name in air...
it got blown away,
So i wrote ur name in my heart...
i got a HEART ATTACK
LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire... continues with smoke...and ends in ashes...
But dont worry - we are chain smokers
ur smile can be compared to a flower
ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
ur innocence to a child
but in stupidity
u have no comparison
u r the best
True love is like a pillow
u can hug when u r in trouble
u can cry on when u r in pain & u can embrace when u r happy
so when u need true love
spend Rs.50/-Buy a pillow
Dear Friend,
when i ask u flower,
u give me bouquet
when i ask u a stone
u give me a statue
when i ask u a feather
u give me peacock
ARE U REALLY DEAF ?
I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water...!!!
when i call u;
1 ring means i'm thinking of u;
2 ring means i like u;
3 means i miss u;
4 means ...pick d phone idiot
Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to
exclamatory sentence ...
Student : WOW !
The human brain is most outstanding thing...
it functions 24hrs 365 days...
it functions right from the time u r Born...until you fall in love
SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality
SO...
Brush ur Teeth today onwards
A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!..
History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir...
Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age hitler commited suicide
the world seems to be fading away,
come along with me
i'll take u to an eye specialist !!
January to december
sunday to saturday
Am to Pm
My feelings for u have never changed...
u...
R...
always...
a HEADACHE to me !!!
If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage
During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom is made to sit on the horse ?
He is given his last chance to run away.
Just close ur eyes and think of urself for 10 seconds...
Open ur eyes !
Now you will realize that u have wasted 10 sec in thinking of a
fool...
I wrote ur name on the sands...
it got washed away,
I wrote ur name in air...
it got blown away,
So i wrote ur name in my heart...
i got a HEART ATTACK
LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire... continues with smoke...and ends in ashes...
But dont worry - we are chain smokers
ur smile can be compared to a flower
ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
ur innocence to a child
but in stupidity
u have no comparison
u r the best
True love is like a pillow
u can hug when u r in trouble
u can cry on when u r in pain & u can embrace when u r happy
so when u need true love
spend Rs.50/-Buy a pillow
Dear Friend,
when i ask u flower,
u give me bouquet
when i ask u a stone
u give me a statue
when i ask u a feather
u give me peacock
ARE U REALLY DEAF ?
I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water...!!!
when i call u;
1 ring means i'm thinking of u;
2 ring means i like u;
3 means i miss u;
4 means ...pick d phone idiot
Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to
exclamatory sentence ...
Student : WOW !
The human brain is most outstanding thing...
it functions 24hrs 365 days...
it functions right from the time u r Born...until you fall in love
SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality
SO...
Brush ur Teeth today onwards
A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!..
History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
Student : sir, i am not sure but think from page 15 to 26 sir...
Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age hitler commited suicide
HOW TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE
1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than
you.)
3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha- cha."
4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12. Put your trashcan on your desk. Label it "IN."
13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."
15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than
you.)
3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha- cha."
4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
8. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
9. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.
10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
12. Put your trashcan on your desk. Label it "IN."
13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."
15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
what do you think of this ?
Click for full image. I wonder how many people they are going to save with a bike on water !
Click for full image. I wonder how many people they are going to save with a bike on water !
A classic...
A letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner:
Dear Audrey:
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says...
"There's no one like you,Audrey."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you, they're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe19,with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes.
But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking,"Why do I feel so drained And empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss.Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you.
And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.
John
A letter written by a heartbroken man to his estranged partner:
Dear Audrey:
I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says...
"There's no one like you,Audrey."
I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you, they're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe19,with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes.
But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Audrey? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yoghurt, I found myself thinking,"Why do I feel so drained And empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss.Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Audrey, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Audrey, I'm just going crazy without you.
And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mum we met at Pontins last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagne. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.
And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Audrey ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Audrey, She really is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?
It's true, Audrey. In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please please please let me know, otherwise, can you let me know where the Sky remote control is.
John
Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Quick one-liners
How about these one-liners from former Southampton soccer manager Gordon Strachan.
Reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?"
Strachan: "Mainly that big green one out there."
And the second one. Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?" Strachan: "Velocity."
How about these one-liners from former Southampton soccer manager Gordon Strachan.
Reporter: "So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?"
Strachan: "Mainly that big green one out there."
And the second one. Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?" Strachan: "Velocity."
How do blondes' braincells die?
Alone.
Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
In case she had to draw some blood.
Alone.
Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work?
In case she had to draw some blood.
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