Jokes

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap...

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

:

If that's the view I am glad I can't see Russia from my house...

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us."

Joking about Credit Crunch...(BBC)

Q: What is the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker ironing five shirts on a Sunday night.

Q: What is the one thing Wall St and the Olympics have in common?
A: Synchronised diving

Q: What is the difference between a pigeon and a merchant banker?
A: A pigeon can still put a deposit on a Ferrari

The blonde

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

The Apology

Brad,

It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being p1ssed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is weird, The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, I
can't imagine my days without you.

It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that m! y behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened. I am so sorry.

Elizabeth

The Response

Dear Elizabeth ,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L! ' for 'Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about'. You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is 'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once, but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying 'Well, I didn't F**k him' somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked funny' to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.

The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom
in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you! might like to know.

PS. I forwarded this email to about 100 people.

Talk to you never,

Brad

Inspired by the Quaker string(if I may chat)
What lies at the bottom of the sea and quakes?
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A nervous wreck.

Our Tax System Explained: Bar Stool Economics

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do.
The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.
The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.
But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'
They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:
The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.
"I only got a dollar out of the $20," declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, "but he got $10!"
"Yeah, that's right!", exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I got."
"That's true!", shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"
The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

I think i'm in with a chance after my interview at the helium balloon factory.
everyone there has been speaking very highly about me anyway.

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk "I hope the porn channel is my room is disabled?"
She says "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick bastard."

Q - Whats does a spurs fan do after seeing his team win?

A - Turn off the xbox...

What's the difference between spurs and a triangle?

A triangle has 3 points

Once upon a time,
a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't fuckin think so."

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

A young woman asked her mom one day, "how do I keep guys off me?" and her mom replied "ask him what the baby's name will be". So the next day she goes to a party and asks guys who are hitting on her, "what will the baby's name be?" This gets rid of them in a hurry. Then one guy dances with her and she asks, "what will the baby's name be?" So he takes her upstairs and when they're done she asks again, "what will the baby's name be?" He then removes his condom, ties it at the top and says, "if the baby gets out of this, call him Houdini"

A man & his wife are in bed one night. The wife wants a bit of action from her husband, but he doesn't even acknowledge that she's there, he just continues reading a book. She keeps waiting & waiting for him to make his first move, but he doesn't, so she gets disqusted & goes to sleep. 10 minutes later, she feels his fingers in her vagina, and says, "oh fred you finally want me?" He replies, "nah, I'm just wetting my fingers to turn the page"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Three parrots are for sale. They cost £100, £200 and £15.
A woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies, "because it used tolive in a brothel."
The woman thinks its funny and buys the parrot.

When she gets home the parrot says,
"F**k me a new brothel!"
The woman laughs.

Her two daughters come home, ... Read Morethe parrot says
"F**k me new prossies!" The girls laugh.

The husband come home and the parrot says
"F**k me Keith i haven't seen you for weeks"

I know I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer, so...

...do you have a piece of gum?

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl
sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled sith water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through th Park a few months ago and I found this little package
on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower... The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

If this has been posted, apologies.

Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said,
'Alastair , I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win
back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour
coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador .
Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub,
in Much Something or other, & we'll show we really enjoy the
countryside, ... oh & remember not to mention the Hunting With
Dogs Act'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with
the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London .

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for &
found a lovely country pub &, with the dog, went in & up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood
please' said Brown

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best
it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes,
nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog
lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about
how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not
paying the council tax.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a
grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the
Labrador lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders &
walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure.

To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages & gender
followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in & look under
the dog's tail like that? Is it an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told
them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'.

My wife wanted me to make love to her like in the movies.

So, I stuck it in her ass and came on her face.

She got mad.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma' am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't . He just walked in the door.'

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

If you play golf you will understand ...

A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.

A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.

A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.

An 'Elephant Ass' - it's high and it stinks.

A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.

An 'O.J. Simpson' - got away with one.

A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.

A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.

A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.

A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.

A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a bit too far right.

A 'Nancy Pelosi' - way too far left.

A 'Barbara Streisand' - ugly, but still working.

A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.

A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.

A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.

A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.

A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank.

A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting.

"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it"

'When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line after going only about 100 yards." "

Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. " after that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes, grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his
talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said,

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Little Billy asks his dad for a TV in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
The next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,"Dad, what's love juice?"
Dad looks horrified but then decides it's best to tell Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth wide open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what were you watchin'?"
Billy answers, "Wimbledon."

My uncle is a hypnotist...and...he...never...abused...me...as...a...child...

Did you hear about the 2 gays fighting in the middle of the road over a manhole?

I recall my first time with a condom. I was 16 years old and went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was a beautiful female assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new to this. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I answered honestly, "Well, not exactly; this is my first time." So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to always make sure it was on tight and secure. I nodded yes but apparently I still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was.

"Just a minute," she said, as she walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?", she asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head rapidly and smile. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I slipped it on nice and secure, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay back on the desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed up on the desk and entered her. It felt so wonderful that unfortunately I couldn't hold back and KAPOW! I was done within just a minute, if even that long.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?", she asked.

I said, "I sure did"... and held up my thumb to show her.

why cant penguins fly?

because they are a chocolate bar

An oldie, brought to mind with all the recent snow...

A Texan Moves North

January 10

It's 5:00PM. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered run and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.

January 11

We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in my life and loved it. I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. Later a snow plow came along and accidentally covered up the driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver waved and smiled. I waved back and shoveled again.

January 12

It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temp has dropped to 11 degrees. Several tree limbs have snapped in the snow. I shoveled the drive again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came again. Now the now is a brownish-grey.

January 13

It warmed enough today to cause slush which froze again when the temp dropped. Bought snow tired for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145.00 to a chiropractor. Nothing broken. More snow.

January 14

Still cold as hell. Sold the wife's car. Bought a 4x4 to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyways, considerable damage. Another 8 inches of snow last night. Both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shoveling for me. The god dam
snowplow came twice today.

January 15

It’s 2 fucking degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree on our property hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the fucking house down. Managed to put out the flames but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands plus lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and totaled it.

January 16

More motherfucking god dam white shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fucking mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that fucking snowplow, I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner till I shovel. Power still off. Roof has started to cave in.

January 17

Six more fucking inches of fucking white shit and fucking sleet and no telling' what the fuck else fell last night. I wounded the fucking snowplow asshole with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. The car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't feel my fucking toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More white shit forecast. Wind chill is 22 below. I'm moving my ass back to Texas.

Things you can only say at Christmas:

1. I prefer breasts to legs
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I fancy a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning
20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

and finally-

21. I do like a good stuffing

Q: Why to polar bears not eat penguins?

A: Because they cannot get the wrapper off.

Some Irish jokes for you...
>
>
>
>
> Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy
> missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!
>
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a
whiskey.
> The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
>
> He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let
> liquor touch my lips!'
>
> Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a
> choice!'
>
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many
people
> are flying with you?'
>
> Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!'
>
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3
hours
> of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
>
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses
&
> lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
>
> 'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
>
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?
>
> A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get
a
> dodgy one!
>
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not
> servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it
was
> a death trap!
>
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his sheep have
> Blue-tongue.
>
> 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'
>
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say
> 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'
>
> Paddy says 'Whats his name?'
>
> Mick replies 'Miles from London!'
>
>
>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'I'm
> gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
>
> He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A
LIGHTBULB!
> I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
>
> The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
>
> Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
>
> 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
>
> 'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

The woman entered the room and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the soft, plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach, and stared in her direction. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his stong, masculine hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often hidden territory, his movements deliberate and assuring, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! It will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again. Because she loves shopping for shoes.

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

> I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...
>
> 'Oi, what's your disability?'
>
> I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off!'

@Deccie
Priceless...

A world-renowned cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members and friends. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading, "George and the Dragon." He knocked. The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please..."

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite friends to visit him.

One summer he invited a friend from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend, eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and enjoying the natural setting.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the woods, they were approached by two huge bears - a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time and ran for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached out and swallowed him whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed his friend. "Quick, shoot it! Maybe we can still save my friend!"

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. That startled the male, who fled into the woods.

"Why did you do that?" demanded the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"