Jokes

An old geezer walking down the street
sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her "Hey miss, would you let
me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?

"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and
gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for
1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs again around the next block
and faces her again: "Would you let me bite
your breasts just once for 10,000 dollars?

" She thinks about it for a while and "Hmmm
10,000 dollars, eh? "Ok, just once, but not here.
Let's go to that dark alley over there"
So they went to that alley and she takes off the
blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and
starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them,
burying his face in them,...but not biting.

In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks:
"Are you gonna bite them or what?"

"Nah", he replies. "It costs too much."

What's the difference between an orange and an apple?

An orange can't drive a tractor!
or
The're both oranges except the apple!
or
You cannot clean a window with a shitty spade!
or
(irish version) Have you ever heard of a dirty apple bastard!!

With due respects, to ALL Honourable, Experienced, Responsible, Posters of TT,
my small contribution below.

Hi Guys,

Guys, think twice before drinking BEER. Here WHY?

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a
look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis
that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the
finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that
100% of the men

· gained weight,

· talked excessively without making sense,

· became overly emotional,

· couldn't drive,

· failed to think rationally,

· argued over nothing,

· And refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is
planned.

Sorry to hurt on any of you and ur sentiments.
(p.s: Wasn't this a Jokes column? Lets appreciate Humour only and nothing else here)

Btw, I owe u a beer keydeck. Thank you.

Evil effects of Drinking...

possibly the wrost joke of all time??

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".
"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in
the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon,
dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked
bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".
"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe
following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and
Luis is cut down is his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but,
true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees...(gasp)

"Ees, a Ham Bush"

Insanity

I like the Insanity image

Bumper Stickers...

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my husband's mule stumbled. My husband quietly said 'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said 'That's once.'"

Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realises that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mummy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my god... And what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause then Bob says, "Swimming pool?... Is this 8547039?

Etiquette...

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

The teacher says : "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says : "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And our Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner�.
The teacher passed out..

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A start.
sorry jimbo

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

Young Mary O'Reilly thought she was a bit pregnant, and it being the first time she went to see the doctor, to see if all was right. Coming home to her husband Paddy, she explained the doctor said he needed a sample. Not wanting to seem ignorant of such things she had waited to ask Paddy what "a sample" was. Paddy not knowing either said: "Go see the widow O'Malley, next door, she had eighteen children, she is bound to know. So young Mary wanders off to the widow O'Malley's. She comes back about ten minutes later, her dress all torn, her hair a shambles, her face all scratched. Paddy asks: "What happened to you" And Mary answers: "Well I went to the widow O'Malley and asked her what a sample was. Pee in a bottle she says. Shit in your hat, I say. And the fight was on..."

Seamus O'Malley is playing golf when he takes a hard struck golf ball
right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as
he could manage, he took himself to Doctor O'Connor.

"How bad is it doctor?" asks O'Malley, "I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my girl-friend is a virgin in every way."

"I'll have to put your penis in a splint, Seamus, to let it heal and keep it
straight. Sure, it'll be fine by next week."

The doctor takes four tongue compressors and forms a neat little 4-sided bandage and wires it all together. "An impressive work of art," says the good doctor.

Seamus says nothing of this to his girl-friend, marries and goes off on his honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room she rips off her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts, a sight Seamus had not seen before.

"You're the first, Seamus. No one has ever touched these breasts."

Seamus promptly drops his pants and replies,

"Would you look at this --it's still in the CRATE!."

hee.

Take Care...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students(namely Johnny). The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Now no reactions or special face symbols on Johnny's face. He was so cool!

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide. Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky

Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, answer me.

Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Johnny: tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tensed.

Johnny: wedding ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Johnny: nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Johnny: arrow

Teacher: Last one, what word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?

Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.

Some good stuff here:
http://german-bash.org/action/top/n/50

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:

1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.

2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.

3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid.

4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will generate plenty of foam. Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.

5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash� pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.

6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.

7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly. The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door.

8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean.

With best wishes,

The Dog

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

What is the difference between a woman and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out...!

MISCOMMUNICATION

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your equipment!"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."

"Madam? Madam? ... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. Are you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and Fresca... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great!
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You know it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie- you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why, yes I do.
Demon: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean?...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want; you're dead who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: WOW !! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No...
Demon: "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

Q: What have a hurricane and a woman got in common?

A: They're both wet and noisy when they come and take half the house when they leave.

Very old... but evergreen...

You might have read this before.. but no harm in reading this again...
enjoy !!!

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.
After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

I keep forgetting about this thread since it was moved. Anyway, here is one.

An old couple have been married for many years, even though they really hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old woman would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared her. They believed she practiced blackmagic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old woman liked the fact that she was feared. To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 68.
He had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked,
"Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The Man put down his drink and said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..."

Q. How do you get 3 Pikachu's (Japanese toy!) onto a stick??

A. Pokemon

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Philippe Philoppe

Historical Nuclear Accident Anniversary joke:

-----------------------------------------------------
Q Why shouldn't you wear Y Fronts in Ukraine?
A Because Chernobyl Fallout...
-----------------------------------------------------

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How
manychildren?" Asks the council worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing
in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO
TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"

=======================

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up me dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"Nah" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

==========================

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

========================

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions.
OK?"

Girl: "OK"

Medic: "What's your name?"

Girl: "Sharon."

Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

Sharon: "Yes."

Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

Sharon: "Romford, mate."

=========================

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's bleedin hundreds of them!"

=========================

Another Essex girl is involved in a serious crash there's blood everywhere.
The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the floor.

Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

Girl: "Ok."

Medic: "Ok the how many fingers am I putting up?"

Girl: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

==========================

Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
"Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it ?

So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me
roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."
When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."

as if!

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the following group of people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Irish Men and 1 Irish Woman

One month later on this absolutely stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the American woman keeps on talking about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it's not raining.

The 2 English men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The 2 Irish men began by dividing up their island, Northside and Southside, and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any

A Scotsman, a Frenchman and a South African are on a plane. The Scotsman says, "Ah we are flying over Scotland now" The other reply "I don't believe you, prove it". So the Scotsman sticks hand out the window and brings in a bottle of Whisky and some heather.

Later the Frenchman announces "Ah we Fly over France, no". "Prove it" the others say. So the Frenchman sticks his hand out of the window and brings in a copy of Le Monde and a black berret.

Later in the flight the South African says "Listen boys, we are flying over SA". "Prove it" the others say. So he sticks his hand out the window but brings nothing in. "That proved nothing" the Frenchman says. "Yes it did" the South African replied "I had my watch stolen"!!

A mate of mine has just been sacked from his job
working on the dodgems. He's suing them for
funfair dismissal...

V.good tartan.

I'm sending that to me pops in Johannesburg!

Bad Crawlie Bad!

Almost as bad as:

Mate of mine committed suicide last week. He was found in the back of an Ice Cream van with a Flake up his arse, covered in hundreds and thousands, and with a cherry on his head.

Police believe he topped himself.

Can I hear the groans?

@Sin. I thought mine was bad...

Indian men looking at each other, waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian gal...

thanks Silva.. I was looking for this joke for a long time...

Thats life!

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when a stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

The wife replies, "Ours is prettier."

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for...''

A Welshman man walks into  the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

whats the worlds deadliest insect?
the hepatitis b

where shouldnt you swim?
the hepatitis c

Recently a 'Husband superstore' opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out on five floors, with men increasing in positive attributes as you ascend.

The only rule was, once you've opened the door to any floor you HAD to choose a husband from that floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the store to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying 'These men have jobs and are good lovers'. The women read the sign and said 'well that's nice, but I wonder what's further up'. So they went up to the next floor.

Second floor
The sign read 'These men have high paying jobs, are good lovers and are very good looking. 'Hmmm' said the ladies 'but I wonder what's further up?'

Third floor
This sign read 'These men have high paying jobs are fantastic lovers, are extremely good looking and love housework'. 'Wow' said the women 'that's very tempting, but let's try just one more floor'.

Fourth floor
The sign read 'These men have high paying jobs are fantastic lovers, are extremely good looking, love housework, and adore children'. 'Oh mercy me' said the women 'that's seems like the perfect man, but there's one more floor, just think what must await us there!' So off they went to the final floor.

Fifth floor
The sign read 'This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are fucking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs.'

One to end friday.

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

Is this called dark humour or blond ? Good one!

3 men are out drinking and discussing their significant others.

The first one says I call my wife pumpkin, cos she bakes the best pumpkin pie in town.

The second lad says I call my wife petal because of her rosey complexion.

The last lad says well fellas, I call me wife RBT cos she is the bag I blow in when I am drunk...

A South African, an Aussie, a New Zealander and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer. The South African grabs his beer, downs it, throws his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other three, puts the gun down on the bar and shouts: "In Souff Efrika we hef so meny glissiz we never drink out of the same gliss twice".

The Aussie then downs his beer, throws his glass into the air,grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and belches: "Ay mate, in Osstraarlear we have so much blaady saaand which makes glaaass reeeally cheap,so we never drink out of the same glaaass twice".

The Kiwi, not wanting to be outdone, downs his beer, throws his glass into the air, reaches for the gun, shoots the glass & puts the gun back on the bar. "Choooooice bro. In Neuw Zeeeeeeeeelan we have so much rawck crystaaal we also neever drink out of the same glaaass twice".

The Londoner looks at the three of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun,shoots the Aussie, Kiwi and South African and says "In London we have so many bloody South Africans, Aussies & Kiwis that we never have to drink with the same ones twice."

A woman in her 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All of these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: "First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She sighed and said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee..."