Jokes

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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,"
says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again;
this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

"My, what big ears you have Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you get lost? I'm trying to take a dump!"

the funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe 2009

The winning one-liner is: "I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her."

Thoughts From a Wandering Mind

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side-saddle.
~~~
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me, or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

what's the best thing about twenty eight year old girls?

- there's twenty of them.

I bumped into Basil brush the other day.

BOOM BOOM - teach him to mess with my fucking chickens...

That Amy Whinehouse joke was a good one though...

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently" she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered:
"Is that one word or two?"

Newsflash:- Police have found a massive bomb outside of a Mosque in London.There is however no danger to the public and the public should not worry,as the police have moved the bomb inside the Mosque

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair
smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a
sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks:

'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your
hair smells nice?'

The woman replies, 'Its Keith. The midget.'

Did you hear about the Zen Master who goes
up to the hotdog vendor and says, "Make me
one with everything."

when the comedienne (zoe lyons) who made the joke about winehouse was told she had won she said "I am absolutely delighted to have won the award. I know self-harming is not funny but it's just a joke, so I'm not going to beat myself up about it."

better than the joke itself i thought..

The 50 best jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe - Seems to cover most non-PC subjects quite adequately...

"I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex, so he knows what rejection feels like" – Pippa Evans

"The Olympics are for everyone, not just someone who happens to own a dancing horse" – Glenn Wool, on dressage

"I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it's awkward" – Tom Stade

"I love being touched sexually by an ecologist" – Jo Neary, in character as a dolphin

"Glasgow has its own version of Monopoly – just one big square that reads: Go To Jail" – Des Clarke

"A problem shared is attention gained" – Pippa Evans

"Never say to an autistic person, you do the maths" – Wilson Dixon

"I'm glad they invented emoticons, otherwise I wouldn't know what my dad was thinking" – Kerry Godliman

On having sex with men in their thirties: "Generally much better, but you've got to rub their legs afterwards for cramp" – Sarah Millican

"I love paying tax so much, the sight of a gritter lorry gives me an erection" – Jon Richardson

"No seriously, I am a feminist, just a lusty, ogling feminist. I'm a lesbian, in fact" – Rob Deering

"Looking at my face is like reading in the car. It's all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick" – Andrew Lawrence, on his ginger appearance

"One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out" – Tim Vine

"If it's gone abroad, it must be fraud" – Tom Wrigglesworth, on the mindset of the high-street banks

"Victoria Beckham? Does this tampon make me look fat?" – Joan Rivers, on celebrities

"What do you say to your adopted African child if you want them to eat up their dinner? 'There are people starving in Africa right now, like your parents'" – Tom Stade

"Politicians are like God. No one believes in them, they haven't done anything for ages, and they give jobs to their immediate family" – Andy Zaltzman

"Channel 4 just cuts out bits from 'heat' magazine and throws them on the floor" – Wendy Wason, on C4 scheduling

"I'm dating now, because I ran out of hooker money" – Rick Shapiro

"The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk to a woman?" – Stephen Brown

"Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, 'There's a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him" – Carey Marx

"I love making love on a bed of nails, but can I go on top?" – Ginger and Black

"The definition of bipolar? A sexually curious bear" – Marcus Birdman

"One of my friends had twins with IVF. Two old ladies that she knew came up to her, and one got the term wrong. In a very sweet voice, she said, 'Oh, would you look at those beautiful twins! Did you get those on the HIV?'" – Craig Hill

"Old people don't like swearing, because a lot of the words weren't invented in their day, so they feel left out" – Zoe Gardner

"The anti-aging advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, 'Aah, I've used too much'" – Andrew Bird

"I don't hate the Germans, I just miss my grandparents" – Ian Stone

"'What's a couple?' I asked my mum. She said, 'Two or three'. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed" – Josie Long

"My friend said she was giving up drinking from Monday to Friday. I'm just worried she's going to dehydrate" – Kerri Godliman

"Ken Dodd is one of my favourite comics, and one of the richest in showbusiness – he has Swiss money in Irish banks" – Roy Walker

"I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?" – Glenn Wool

"My uncle Cleetus is illiterate and ambidextrous. Which is a double tragedy. He is unable to write, with both hands" – Wilson Dixon

"I like David Beckham. Most of us have skeletons in our closet. But he takes his out in public" – Andrew Lawrence

"If Britons were left to tax themselves, there would be no schools, no hospitals, just a 500-mile-high statue of Diana, Princess of Wales" – Andy Zaltzman

"Surgery is just stabbing in a courteous environment" – A L Kennedy

"I know someone whose dream is to be an actor but they're not that good – they got mugged, and had to audition for the part of themselves on 'Crimewatch'. They got Passer-by No 2" – Isy Suttie

"My boyfriend likes role play. He likes to pretend we're married. He waits until I go to bed, then he looks at porn and has a wank" – Joanna Neary

"I was talking to my friend from New York yesterday, and I used the expression, 'You can't polish a turd'. He looked at me, disgusted, and said, 'No, you can't, but you can roll it in glitter'. He's a lovely guy but I wouldn't want to go to a craft fair with him" – Steve Williams

"My Nan had a plastic hip put in, but I thought she should have replaced it with a Slinky, 'cause if she fell down the stairs again..." – Steve Williams

"A headline last year, after the death of Saddam Hussein, read: 'Tyrant is hanged'. My auntie looked at the newspaper and sobbed, 'Who's going to present "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?"' " – Steve Williams

"I used to go out with Christopher Reeve, but I just had to keep standing him up" – Steve Hall

"I despise cliquishness, for reasons only my four closest friends will ever properly understand" – Steve Hall

"Where I'm from, people aren't quick. A girl once asked her mum, 'Can I have a Cadbury's Creme Egg?' The mum said, 'No, you can't Danielle, I've already told you, darling – bird flu!'" – Tom Deacon

"I once buggered a man unconscious. I'm lying, he was already unconscious when I found him" – Tom Deacon

"I never know the right thing to say, especially during sex. After my first time, I said to the girl, 'That's it, I'm afraid'" – Tom Deacon

"I'm the eldest of five children. My parents aren't Catholic, just reckless" – Danielle Ward

"I was in Halifax one Friday night in July, and I thought they were having an 'idiots and whores' theme party, but no – that's just Halifax on a Friday night" – Rob Deering

"I do love Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. He always looks so... clean. But if you went out dressed like that round our way, you'd get the MDF kicked out of you" – Domestic Goddi Rosie Wilkinson & Helen O'Brien

"I've got nothing against disabled people, I've even got one of their stickers on my car" – Damian Callinan

"My granny was recently beaten to death by my granddad. Not as in, with a stick – he just died first" – Alex Horne

"Give it here!"

"NO! It's MINE!"

"I said, let me have it!"

"NO! It's MY turn!"

"C'mon! Give it to me!"

"NO WAY!"

(Siamese twins jacking off.)

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.
The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life, looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off and throws herself on him.
"Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.
So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

A blond city girl marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.

They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know, how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?' 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,' Amy explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

How do you tell the arms of an octopus apart.

You cant, they're I-tentacle.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to being happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.

NOW ...

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

Moral From Today's Lesson:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

A young Native American boy went to his father the great chief "Running Bear" and asked;

Father, how is it we come upon our names?

The great chief replied to his son,

When child is born, first thing his father sees, is sign from great gods, and his child shall be named accordingly.

My father left wigwam and saw great bear running in forest, therofore I was named "Running Bear".

Why do you ask "Two Dogs Fucking"?

Mental Health Outsourcing:

A man was depressed last night, so he called Lifeline.
Was outsource-routed to a call center in Pakistan.
He told them he was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if he could drive a truck.

A drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!"
So, the bartender gives him directions to the local brothel. The customer was so drunk, he misreads the directions and accidentally goes into the office of a foot doctor.
The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"
"Yes, I want some service," states the drunk.
She sends him to one of the examination rooms and tells him to put it on the table. The drunk goes in and places his manhood on the exam table.
When the doctor comes in, the startled podiatrist sees the man's member on the table and she says, "That's not a foot!"
The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

The Woman Who Knows Her Place

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?' The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation, said, 'Land mines.'

MORAL OF THE STORY: Behind every man is a smart woman

The 2008 World Nuclear Submarine Racing Championships

This is the first visual of the race...



Well, what did you expect to see? Periscopes?

While she was flying down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love asked 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied: 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?....A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...

Today at the Para Olympics an athlete had a doping test.He was found positive for WD 40

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year, you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again."

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm taking Marie with me."

Mother Teresa dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates and is met by Saint Peter.

Saint Peter says to Mother Teresa “Welcome, there is a special place for you here.”
Mother Teresa then hears loud screams from behind the gate and inquires to Peter what the hell is that noise.
Peter tells her that that is some new arrivals having the holes drilled in their heads for the halo attachments.
Just then even more blood curdling screams come from behind the Gate to which Mother Teresa inquires again
and Saint Peter tells her that they are now having the holes drilled in their backs for the wings.

Mother Teresa quickly turns around and tells Saint Peter that she must regretfully decline his offer and that she would prefer to go to hell.
Saint Peter says “No don’t do that you will be fornicated down there no end, you have no idea what it is like.”
To which Mother Teresa retorts “That’s okay I already have the holes for that.”

Jack decided to go fishing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible storm. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of fishing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had
met on the fishing weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our fishing holiday up
north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out,
'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your
name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

English school exam paper answers:

1) Classical Studies
Question: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin

2) Biology
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie

3) General Studies
Question: Jeff has been asked to collect data about the amount of television his friends watch. Think of an appropriate question he could ask them.
Answer: How much TV do you watch?

4) Classical Studies
Question: What were the circumstances of Julius Caesar's death?
Answer: Suspicious ones

5) Biology
Question: Give an example of a smoking-related disease
Answer: Early death

6) Geography
Question: What are the Pyramids?
Answer: The Pyramids are a large mountain range which splits France and Spain

7) Biology
Question: What is a plasmid?
Answer: A high definition television

8) English
Question: In Pride and Prejudice, at what moment does Elizabeth Bennet realise her true feelings for Mr Darcy?
Answer: When she sees him coming out of the lake.

9) Geography
Question: What do we call a person forced to leave their home perhaps by a natural disaster or war, without having another home to go to.
Answer: Homeless

10) Religious Studies
Question: Christians only have one spouse, what is this called?
Answer: Monotony

11) Biology
Question: In the Hawaiian Islands, there are around 500 different species of fruit fly. Give a reason for this
Answer: There are approximately 500 varieties of fruit

12) Physics
Question: Name an environmental side effect of burning fossil fuels
Answer: Fire

13) Geography
Question: Define the term "intensive farming".
Answer: It is when a farmer never has a day off.

14) Maths
Question: Change 7/8 to a decimal
Answer: 7.8

15) Geography
Question: What does the term "lava" mean?
Answer: A pre-pubescent caterpillar

16) General Studies
Question: Redundancy is often an unpleasant and unexpected event in someone's life. Give two examples of unexpected life events.
Answer: 1) death 2) Reincarnation

17) History
Question: What was introduced in the Children's Charter of 1908?
Answer: Children

18) Business Studies
Question: Explain the word "wholesaler".
Answer: Someone who sells you whole items - eg, a whole cake

19) Geography
Question: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Answer: Malaria

20) Geography
Question:What artificial waterway runs between the Mediterranean and Red Seas?
Answer: The Sewage Canal

21) Geography
Question: Name one famous Greek landmark
Answer: The most famous Greek landmark is the Apocalypse

22) Maths
Question: Expand 2 (x + y)
Answer: 2 ( x + y )
2 ( x + y )
2 ( x + y )

23) Business Studies
Question: Assess Fashion House pls's choice to locate its factory near Birmingham. Is Birmingham the right location for this type of business?
Answer: No. People from Birmingham aren't very fashionable.

24) History
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.

25) History
Question: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Answer: Unusual names.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau:

9,374 people are having sex right now,

2,130 are kissing,

234 are getting head, and

1 lonely fucker is reading this.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how he would determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub".
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup".
"No," said the director, "a normal person would pull out the plug. Do you want the bed near the window?"

Redneck Fire Alarm

Q: What does the Dentist of the Year get?

A: A little plaque.

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”

So I was at that Stevie Wonder concert the other night and it was pretty good, lot of wanky jazz stuff but anyways, he's left his plant music phase behind so I'm good with that.

But there was this one Japanese bloke near us who kept heckling, in between songs he'd be shouting "Stevie!! Stevie!! Play jazz chord!! Play jazz chord!! Play jazz chord!!".
He kept it up, relentlessly until near the end of the gig, Stevie Wonder addressed the guy directly. "Man sorry but we've been playing jazz chords all night - what more do you want from us?".

The Japanese guy just shouted the same thing at him "Stevie!! Stevie!! Play jazz chord!! Play jazz chord!! Play jazz chord!! You no play jazz chord!!".

So Stevie was getting a little ticked off at this, playing with his beads and replies "I'm really sorry man, we're doing our best here!"

The Japanese guy ran up to the stage and started ranting at him "Play jazz chord!! Play jazz chord!! Play jazz chord!!" and Stevie obliges by hitting a C major triad.
The guy shouts "No you wrong, you play it wrong!!".

Stevie asks him "Well how does a jazz chord go then?"

And the Japanese guy goes "A jazz chord, to say, I love you."

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks:

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be at all pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

How do you stop a black kid from jumping up and down on the bed?

Stick a velcro to the roof.

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat...and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother.

"Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass".

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and
the run on Northern Rock in the UK , it appears uncertainty has now
hit Japan .

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly
up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will
likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were
suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja
Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black,
and have not yet "turned turtle".

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report
that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is
feared that staff may get a raw deal.

_{This Sarah Palin joke might make some of you groan...}

How does an Eskimo catch a polar bear?

First he cuts a hole in the ice.

Then he lines it with peas (canned peas).

When the polar bear comes up to take a pea, he kicks him in the ice hole.

New cocktail invented to celebrate the financial crisis

The Bailout:
Bitters and sour grapes, mixed with anything that doesn't make you feel good. It costs more than anyone has, but you have to pay for it anyway.

Little Tommy is sitting in the classroom,
The teacher asks the kids to stand up one after another and tell the class what their dads do for a job,
Sammy tells the class ," my dad works in a bank and is a respected member of the community",
Jenny tells the class her dad is a dentist and helps people with bad teeth to get better,
one after the other they all proudly told what their dads did for a job.
Tommy stands up ,"My dad works in a Gay bar ,he dances naked on the tables and sometimes for money he gives sexual favours in the toilets"
The teacher nearly fell off her chair, ""Ok class everybody take out a book and read it" , Tommy Come here I need to talk to you .
she took Tommy aside, and asked if this was true about his Dad.
No Miss he said ,"I was too ashamed to tell what he really does",

"What does he really do" she asked

"Oh, he plays football for Wales Miss" .

?

The credit crunch has finally hit Japan:-

The Origami bank has folded

Bonzai bank has had to cut off its branches.

Sumo bank has gone belly up

The Sushi bank reports its ok financially, but that sounds a bit fishy according to the financial experts

Sad decline in the art of reading here ...

...you forgot writing. Glasshouses and stuff.

Hello Operator

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through. Can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."

Samsung Electronics:
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."

RAC Motoring Services:
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Does the product name give you a clue?"

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe ): "If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries:
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven:
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland."

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone booth told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

The miracle of candles!

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top O the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?'
She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'
The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'
She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'
The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.?
She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, ' Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?'
She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'
The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'