A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started the doctor yelled, "Up, Nuts!". And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down, Nuts!". And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer, Nuts!". And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hotdog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"
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Jokes
No chat, just jokes
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Q. How can you tell when a women is having a bad day?
A. She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can`t find her cigarette.
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
It's a nice sunny day so Jim decides to go fishing at his usual spot
at a local river. Taking up his usual place, he is surprised to see
another guy sitting on the opposite side of the river. When Jim leaves
that evening the stranger is still sitting there.
When Jim comes back early the next morning, the stranger is there
again and is still fishing when Jim leaves at night.
This happens for a few days until Jim can't contain his curiosity any
more. He walks up to the stranger and says, "Excuse me, I can't help
noticing that every morning when I arrive you are sitting there, and
you're still there when I leave every night. Don't you have a home to
go to?"
"I'm on my honeymoon," replies the stranger. "My wife is in that log
cabin up there on the hillside."
"Shouldn't you be up there screwing her then?" says Jim.
"I can't. She's got gonorrhea," says the stranger.
"What about doing it in her tradesman's entrance?"
"Can't. She's got diarrhoea."
"Well, couldn't you get her to give you a blowjob?"
"Nope. She's got pyorrhea."
"That's terrible," says Jim. "Why did you marry her then?"
"For the maggots."
_________________
A. She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can`t find her cigarette.
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
It's a nice sunny day so Jim decides to go fishing at his usual spot
at a local river. Taking up his usual place, he is surprised to see
another guy sitting on the opposite side of the river. When Jim leaves
that evening the stranger is still sitting there.
When Jim comes back early the next morning, the stranger is there
again and is still fishing when Jim leaves at night.
This happens for a few days until Jim can't contain his curiosity any
more. He walks up to the stranger and says, "Excuse me, I can't help
noticing that every morning when I arrive you are sitting there, and
you're still there when I leave every night. Don't you have a home to
go to?"
"I'm on my honeymoon," replies the stranger. "My wife is in that log
cabin up there on the hillside."
"Shouldn't you be up there screwing her then?" says Jim.
"I can't. She's got gonorrhea," says the stranger.
"What about doing it in her tradesman's entrance?"
"Can't. She's got diarrhoea."
"Well, couldn't you get her to give you a blowjob?"
"Nope. She's got pyorrhea."
"That's terrible," says Jim. "Why did you marry her then?"
"For the maggots."
_________________
An American took a trip to Rome. On his first day he was in a church when he noticed a golden telephone on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call. He asked a priest what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
His next stop was in Moscow. At a large cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He asked a nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "OK. Thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to France, Israel, Germany and Brazil. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with a "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American finally decided to go to the UK to see if the British had the same telephone. He arrived in York and again, in the Minster, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "20p per call".
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Reverend, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Yorkshire now lad, It's a local call."
The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
His next stop was in Moscow. At a large cathedral he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He asked a nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "OK. Thank you," said the American.
He then travelled to France, Israel, Germany and Brazil. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with a "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
The American finally decided to go to the UK to see if the British had the same telephone. He arrived in York and again, in the Minster, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "20p per call".
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Reverend, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Yorkshire now lad, It's a local call."
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor lifted him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect, Doc. And I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor lifted him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect, Doc. And I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
Austrian police have questioned a neighbour about how long he'd known Josef Frittzle's daughter Alice.
He replied " Alice? Alice? Who the fuck is Alice? You mean for 24 years ... I've been living next door to Alice ".
He replied " Alice? Alice? Who the fuck is Alice? You mean for 24 years ... I've been living next door to Alice ".
School - 1958 vs. 2008
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charges them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister tells state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark experiences a headache and brings some aspirin to school.
1958 - Mark shares aspirin with principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant colony.
1958 - Ants die.
2008 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to board a plane again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in a state penitentiary. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charges them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister tells state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark experiences a headache and brings some aspirin to school.
1958 - Mark shares aspirin with principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant colony.
1958 - Ants die.
2008 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to board a plane again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in a state penitentiary. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Women's Love Poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Men's Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Men's Love Poem
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
http://www.brainsweb.co.uk/uploads/the-wrong-bike.wmv
Sound and film from movie about Hitlers last few days, Downfall (Der Untergang), with spoof subtitles...
Sound and film from movie about Hitlers last few days, Downfall (Der Untergang), with spoof subtitles...
- When I was born, I got a choice: A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.
- Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
- A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
- Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
- There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men: 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
- Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
- There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
- Virginity can be cured.
- Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
- Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
- Question: What's an Australian kiss? Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
- A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
- Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
- Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact ? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
- Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men still sleep with their wives!
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, "nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, "nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
Real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school:
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
__________________________________________________________
News from the Old Country:
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
__________________________________________________________
News from the Old Country:
- Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
- Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Manchester Evening News)
- Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
- A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common." (The Times)
- At the height of the gale the harbormaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a wind gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
- Mrs. Irene Graham, of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscences of the German POW who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, and she recalled that "He always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946 they spelled out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
----- 40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Gypos.
Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will just let the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the blower to God again.
'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the gates'
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Gypos.
Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will just let the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the blower to God again.
'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the gates'
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling
her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, I want you to send
her the word comfortable.
The operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word comfortable?
The brunette explains, My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly... com-for-da-bul.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling
her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, I want you to send
her the word comfortable.
The operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word comfortable?
The brunette explains, My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly... com-for-da-bul.
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
After the first day they met up in the bar.
"Ah, Pierre ," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant.
'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.
"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"'And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. It is beneass my dignity."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jurmp ten feet."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said:
"If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."
"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning."
After the first day they met up in the bar.
"Ah, Pierre ," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"
"Merde!" answers Pierre . "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant.
'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."
"And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.
"I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
"'And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five feet. It is beneass my dignity."
"And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp!"
"And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.
"I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jurmp ten feet."
"What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.
"Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said:
"If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."
"Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"
"A leetle, at ze beginning."
what do you call a hawaiian cat ?
maui
maui
my girlfriend got me one of those mood rings for my birthday so we can keep a better track of my unpredictable mood swings
we discovered that when i was happy it turn green
and when i was mad it left a big fricking red mark on her forehead.
we discovered that when i was happy it turn green
and when i was mad it left a big fricking red mark on her forehead.
What do you call a kilt anywhere, anywhere, anywhere else in the world.
A tartan, pleated skirt.
The addition of a knife as a fashion accessory maskes it all better
Come on its thursday...
A tartan, pleated skirt.
The addition of a knife as a fashion accessory maskes it all better
Come on its thursday...
Some of the best George Carlin quotes:
(1937-2008)
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
- When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
- I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
- Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
- Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
- Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
- I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
- There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
- At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
- As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
- The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
- Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's ten things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
- This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
(1937-2008)
A Dutch family was on a trip to Frankfurt and were doing a bit of shopping.
Little Johnny runs up to a German Jersey and say: My birthday is coming up and I’ve decided to be a Germany fan and I want this Jersey for my Birthday!
His older sister: Are you crazy?
She grabs him by the arm and tells him to go talk to their mother.
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and says: My birthday is coming up and I’ve decided to be a Germany fan and I want this Jersey for my Birthday!
His mother slaps Johnny across the face and says: Your father will want to talk to you about this. Go tell him what you told me.
So, Little Johnny walks up to his Father and says: My birthday is coming up and I’ve decided to be a Germany fan and I want this Jersey for my Birthday!
Johnny’s father is appalled and takes Little Johnny in the dressing room and gives him ‘The Belt’ saying: We are Dutch fans and no son of mine will cheer for the Germans!
The family decides after the incidents of the day they should get going, so they all load up in the van.
It’s all pretty quiet for about 10 minutes when Johnny’s father says: Johnny, I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson today.
Johnny replies: Yes, Father, I have.
Father: And what have you learned today.
Little Johnny: I’ve only been a German fan for an hour and I already hate the Fucking Dutch!
Little Johnny runs up to a German Jersey and say: My birthday is coming up and I’ve decided to be a Germany fan and I want this Jersey for my Birthday!
His older sister: Are you crazy?
She grabs him by the arm and tells him to go talk to their mother.
Little Johnny goes up to his mother and says: My birthday is coming up and I’ve decided to be a Germany fan and I want this Jersey for my Birthday!
His mother slaps Johnny across the face and says: Your father will want to talk to you about this. Go tell him what you told me.
So, Little Johnny walks up to his Father and says: My birthday is coming up and I’ve decided to be a Germany fan and I want this Jersey for my Birthday!
Johnny’s father is appalled and takes Little Johnny in the dressing room and gives him ‘The Belt’ saying: We are Dutch fans and no son of mine will cheer for the Germans!
The family decides after the incidents of the day they should get going, so they all load up in the van.
It’s all pretty quiet for about 10 minutes when Johnny’s father says: Johnny, I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson today.
Johnny replies: Yes, Father, I have.
Father: And what have you learned today.
Little Johnny: I’ve only been a German fan for an hour and I already hate the Fucking Dutch!
My wife was complaining to me the other night that I dont listen to her. Or, well, it was something like that.
I went to a chinese resturant and ordered a meal. Ten minutes later this duck waddles up to me,gives me a single red rose and says,"your lips are like rubies and your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I called the waiter over and said. "excuse me. I ordered aromatic duck".
The other night my girlfriend insisted we go out somewhere expensive. So we went to the petrol station.
The other night my girlfriend insisted we go out somewhere expensive. So we went to the petrol station.
Toilet Walls Graffiti:
- "I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards." - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
- "Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die." - Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL.
- "Beauty is only a light switch away." - Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.
- "Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" - Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.
- "God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?" - The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
- "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." - The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
- "No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit." - Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
- "At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry." - Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
- "It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere." - Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.
- "Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married!" - Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana.
- "God is dead. - Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. - God." - The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
- "If voting could really change things, it would be illegal." - Revolution Books, New York, New York.
- "A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it." - Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas.
Bob was driving home at about 90mph over a bridge when, wouldn't you know it, a cop jumped out and clocked him with a radar gun. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Ah, over 55?"
"93mph, son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket!"
The cop took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath said "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
Of course the cop had to ask, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, asked "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
Bob thought for a second and asked, "Ah, over 55?"
"93mph, son! 93mph in a 55 zone!"
"But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?"
Ignoring Bob, the officer continued in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket!"
The cop took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath said "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
Of course the cop had to ask, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, asked "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it at the end of a bridge!"
Subject: NOAH IN 2008In the year 2008,
the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in Canada, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of
every living thing along with a few good humans.' He gave Noah the
blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark. 'Noah!' He roared , 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the
Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then Hydro One demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of
moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage
for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to
us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group
sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their
will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel
and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the Ministry of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed
flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the Visa status of most
of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Revenue Canada seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive
me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a
rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?' 'No,' said the Lord. 'The
Government beat me to it.'
the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in Canada, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of
every living thing along with a few good humans.' He gave Noah the
blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark. 'Noah!' He roared , 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the
Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood
zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height
limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then Hydro One demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of
moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage
for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to
us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group
sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their
will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel
and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the Ministry of the Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark
until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed
flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building
crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the Visa status of most
of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark-building experience.
To make matters worse, Revenue Canada seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive
me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a
rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?' 'No,' said the Lord. 'The
Government beat me to it.'
Moses said to the Israelites:
"The good new is we're down to ten. The bad news is adultery is still in it"
"The good new is we're down to ten. The bad news is adultery is still in it"
1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his
friend in bed.He shoots his friend and kills him.Wife says 'If you behave
like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'
2. Brother wanted A small boy
wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'...Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR
MOTHER'...
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of
WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'Wife replies, 'No,
it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
4. Importance of a period Teacher:
'Do
you know the importance of a period?'Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she
has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran
away.'
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the
difference between confident and confidential? 'Dad says, 'You are my son,
I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's
confidential! '
6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you
never fight back. How do you control your anger?'Wife: 'I clean the
toilet.' Husband: 'How does that help?' Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'
Man comes home and finds his wife with his
friend in bed.He shoots his friend and kills him.Wife says 'If you behave
like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'
2. Brother wanted A small boy
wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'...Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR
MOTHER'...
3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of
WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'Wife replies, 'No,
it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'
4. Importance of a period Teacher:
'Do
you know the importance of a period?'Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she
has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran
away.'
5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the
difference between confident and confidential? 'Dad says, 'You are my son,
I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's
confidential! '
6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you
never fight back. How do you control your anger?'Wife: 'I clean the
toilet.' Husband: 'How does that help?' Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'
On a flight from New York to Paris, soon after take-off, the pilot announces: "I'm sorry, but we have lost one of our engines. Subsequently, we will arrive in Paris approximately half an hour late."
A few minutes later, he comes on again: "Hate to disappoint you, folks, but another engine is down. Don't panic - we've still got two going, but now we'll be about two hours late."
After another few minutes, he comes on again: "Look, I am really sorry about this, but somehow we have lost our third engine. Still nothing serious to worry about, but we'll be about five hours late to Paris."
After hearing this, the blonde turns to the guy sitting next to him and remarks, "If we lose the other one, we'll be up here all night."
A few minutes later, he comes on again: "Hate to disappoint you, folks, but another engine is down. Don't panic - we've still got two going, but now we'll be about two hours late."
After another few minutes, he comes on again: "Look, I am really sorry about this, but somehow we have lost our third engine. Still nothing serious to worry about, but we'll be about five hours late to Paris."
After hearing this, the blonde turns to the guy sitting next to him and remarks, "If we lose the other one, we'll be up here all night."
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"
Granny replies, "F..ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
Granny replies, "F..ck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
Wee Glesca wumman goes intae a butchershop, where the butcher has just come out of the freezer, and is standing hands behind his back, with his rear end aimed at an electric fire.
The wee wumman checks out the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."
The wee wumman checks out the display case then asks, "Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?"
"Naw," replies the butcher. "It's jist ma haun's Ah'm heatin'."
5 Nuns in Town
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.
It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.
Patty had recently added special legs to her barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.
They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw:
GIVE US A SENSE OF HUMOR, LORD.
GIVE US THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE,
TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT OF LIFE,
AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLK.
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.
It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.
Patty had recently added special legs to her barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.
They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw:
GIVE US A SENSE OF HUMOR, LORD.
GIVE US THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE,
TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT OF LIFE,
AND PASS IT ON TO OTHER FOLK.
Polish Man
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although
his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce
for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any
grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is
the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you
understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport,
and not need one. I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations
still in Poland . Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have
hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I
always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you
want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I
got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle
at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
"Polish Remover"
Live today and KEEP SMILING
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although
his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce
for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any
grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is
the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you
understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport,
and not need one. I mean. What are your relations like? All my relations
still in Poland . Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have
hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I
always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you
want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I
got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle
at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
"Polish Remover"
Live today and KEEP SMILING
In 1986, Peter Davies was on vacation in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peters legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."
The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing."
Was sat down with a mate and having a laugh and a chatter, like blokes do now and again.Anyway i turns round to my mate who has never had any problems with females and i said to him.
' Have you ever shagged a kranken schwester'?
He says
' No , but i have shagged a healthy one'.
' Have you ever shagged a kranken schwester'?
He says
' No , but i have shagged a healthy one'.
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer"
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him "If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper?"
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
"Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer"
One student replied:
"You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.
The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.
For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:
"Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer."
"Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper."
"But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l / g)."
"Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up."
"If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building."
"But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him "If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper?"
The student was Niels Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.
At the risk of being a Bohr...
http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/barometer.asp
Objoke: Whats brown and sticky? A stick.
http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/barometer.asp
Objoke: Whats brown and sticky? A stick.
How to tell if your Amish teenager is trouble...
- He sometimes sleeps in till 5 am
- He wears his big black hat backwards
- She once entered a wet bonnet contest
- Has a new tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
- Was once busted for shouting insults at people with zippers
- His name is Jebediah, but he goes by the name of "Jeb Daddy"
- You discover his secret stash of coloured socks
- He sometimes sleeps in till 5 am
- He wears his big black hat backwards
- She once entered a wet bonnet contest
- Has a new tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
- Was once busted for shouting insults at people with zippers
- His name is Jebediah, but he goes by the name of "Jeb Daddy"
- You discover his secret stash of coloured socks
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big
juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold
tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided
that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat
each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and
talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest
sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you
were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic." The men were so
relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to
their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a
grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING
ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see
if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived
just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of
water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,
"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big
juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold
tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided
that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat
each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and
talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest
sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you
were raised a Baptist, and now you are Catholic." The men were so
relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to
their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a
grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING
ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see
if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived
just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of
water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying,
"You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth II went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The Angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.'
Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down.
She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven!
Would you explain that to me?
'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are'
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The Angel said 'Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted.'
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.'
Dolly was outraged and asked, 'What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down.
She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven!
Would you explain that to me?
'Sorry, Dolly,' said the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are'
1.)
A bored superman is flying over New York as he flies over a rooftop he sees wonder woman sunbathing completely naked in the spread eagle position. Superman thinks ***** Me i ain't had a shag for ages if i do it quick enough i can get some wonder pussy and she wont even know its happened. so he swoops down and does his business and flies away so fast she didn't notice But as soon as he flies of she sits up and says **ck me wot was that. The Invisible Man replies i don't know but my arse is killing me.
2.)
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Jew had a five course meal at Londons finest restaraunt. At the end of their sumptuous evening the waiter presented them with a bill for 600 pounds. "I'll pay that!" said the Scotsman.
The front page of the next days paper headlined "Jewish Ventriloquist Found Dead In Alley"
A bored superman is flying over New York as he flies over a rooftop he sees wonder woman sunbathing completely naked in the spread eagle position. Superman thinks ***** Me i ain't had a shag for ages if i do it quick enough i can get some wonder pussy and she wont even know its happened. so he swoops down and does his business and flies away so fast she didn't notice But as soon as he flies of she sits up and says **ck me wot was that. The Invisible Man replies i don't know but my arse is killing me.
2.)
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Jew had a five course meal at Londons finest restaraunt. At the end of their sumptuous evening the waiter presented them with a bill for 600 pounds. "I'll pay that!" said the Scotsman.
The front page of the next days paper headlined "Jewish Ventriloquist Found Dead In Alley"
took me sometime to get the second joke... ventriloquist is the key...
BUSH'S OLYMPIC SPEECH
President Bush is rehearsing his speech, using the teleprompter, for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.
He begins with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear:
"Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."
President Bush is rehearsing his speech, using the teleprompter, for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.
He begins with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear:
"Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
______________________________________________________________________
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing very well... only two left!"
______________________________________________________________________
So how's your day been so far?
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
______________________________________________________________________
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be opened store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent asked "What might ye be sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assholes."
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, "You are doing very well... only two left!"
______________________________________________________________________
So how's your day been so far?
QUOTE
Young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to
get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was,
and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son
but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your
mother.'
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up
frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all
the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.'
His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son,
you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!'
get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was,
and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, 'I'm sorry to say this son
but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your
mother.'
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up
frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother. 'Mama I want to get married but all
the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.'
His mother smiling said to him, 'Don't worry my son,
you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son !!'
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
in Dingle. They head to the bird
Section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem. '
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll
Take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, ' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay
For the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive
To the top of the Connor
Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000
foot drop and
Says, 'Dis looks like a grand place. ' He takes two birds out of
The box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to
The bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
And says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me! '
Just when you thought it could not go on...
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
Carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy. Watch dis, ' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the
Box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
Parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
And breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat
Parrotshooting either! '
IT IS NOT OVER YET. ..
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out
Of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the
Cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his
Spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . . And
Now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
in Dingle. They head to the bird
Section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem. '
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, we'll
Take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere, ' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay
For the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive
To the top of the Connor
Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000
foot drop and
Says, 'Dis looks like a grand place. ' He takes two birds out of
The box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to
The bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head
And says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me! '
Just when you thought it could not go on...
Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
Carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy. Watch dis, ' Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the
Box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the
Parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom
And breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat
Parrotshooting either! '
IT IS NOT OVER YET. ..
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when
Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out
Of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the
Cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his
Spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Fook dat, lads. First dere was
Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus parrotshooting. . . And
Now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop-dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father", "Good morning Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning Father", "Good morning Father", and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognize me? Take a good look, now close your eyes, add a hat and gown. I'm sister Angela!"
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop-dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father", "Good morning Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning Father", "Good morning Father", and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognize me? Take a good look, now close your eyes, add a hat and gown. I'm sister Angela!"
Title: A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor
One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.
Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.
One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.
Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after.
Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."
"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"
"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.
"I think you're bad luck."
John McCain got the question today: "Boxer or Briefs"?
He Responded, Depends™
He Responded, Depends™
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