Jokes

The new Limerick GAA manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new centre forward to replace his old and decrepit players hoping to win the Sam Maguire. One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi GAA player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.
The Gaffer flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over. Two weeks later Limerick are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Kerry with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he goes. The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Limerick.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first game in the Championship. Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today, we
were 3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a
great time.'
The young lad is very upset, 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry?!' says his mum, 'You're f**king sorry??? It's your fault we moved to Limerick in the first place!'

Brilliant.

Here's one:

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Obama is just creaming Hillary. You know, all these primaries, you know. And Hillary says it’s not fair, because they’re being held in February, and February is Black History Month. And unfortunately for Hillary, there’s no White Bitch Month.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied. "You're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said. "You're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q - whats the difference between a cow and a tragedy?

A - a scouser wouldnt know how to milk a cow

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''
''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''
''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''
''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''
''Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Irishman explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?"

Munich U-Bahn: No country for old men

Grandma as a Senior Driver

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk If You Love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of God, GO! GO!". What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering, have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

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Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Kevin where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?".
"Baaaaaaa," said Joe.

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear, or are about to repeat, a rumor.

In ancient Greece Socrates (469 - 399 BC) was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" replied the acquaintance!

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter.

The filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and
places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up
and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about
one foot hi gh and sets him on the c ounter. He reaches back
into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter
as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a
beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish - each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,
not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man,
'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

This young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. Minutes passed and the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Q: What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull ?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the arsehole in the rear.

Q. What is the difference between a drummer and a gynecologist?

A. A gynecologist only has to play with one cunt at a time.

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives...

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing that could happen. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing that could happen. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing that could happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do...I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty -

I'll pray for you!

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single. And second, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says, "pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must tell you, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "that's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party"

As its Friday...

A koala bear wanders into a small Australian town. He has been out in the bush for a few years without any female koala company and he’s feeling a little Horney.

He walks into the local bar and asks where he can find some action. The bar owner explains that he may be out of luck in the bar as most girls are not into the animal thing. He suggests going across the street to the local brothel.

The koala asks what a brothel is. The bar owner says it is a place where things of a sexual nature happen.

He walks across the street to the brothel.

Hw walks in and explains his situation to the owner. He explains that he doesn’t mind living alone and due to his sedentary nature he only gets the urge to mate once every 10 years or so.

The brother owner looks at him and says that it may be hard for him to find a girl willing to do the job. He explains that he has one girl who may be interested as she normally services the more strange clients.

The brother owner makes the call and the girl comes down. She looks at the koala bear and says ok, I have had to deal with bigger things.

The koala bear smiles and they go upstairs.

The prostitute explains that she changes 50 bucks an hour, the koala bear seems to think about this and eventually says ok. They start to get down to business. Prostitute notes the Koala likes to give oral and receive oral as well as normal (for koala) sex.

At the end the koala bear thanks the girl and starts to leave. The girls asks where he thinks he is going.

The koala says he is going home.

The prostitute asks him if he understands the arrangement. He looks at her in a confused manor.

She takes out a dictionary , finds the entry for prostitute and reads it out.

‘A person who perfoms sex acts in return for money’.

The koala nods and asks to look at the dictionary. He thumbs through the pages, stops on a particular page. He then takes picks up a pencil and underlines an entry.

He gives the dictionary back to the prostitute and leaves. The prostitute looks at the underlined entry.

‘Koala Bear; Small marsupial native to Australia. ‘Eats shoots and leaves’’…..

Not hasn’t that just made you glad its Friday

The Ultimate Guy Quiz

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend could ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) impossible - she looks too gorgeous!
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entrée
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

Score 1 point for every answer "a"
Score 2 points for every answer "b"
Score 3 points for every answer "c"

Your Score:

10 points: You are a saint, a liar, or a eunuch.
11-20 points: You are an average joe. Good luck in the battle of the sexes.
21-30 points: You are a real man's man. Your fear of intimacy with women and your love of men's sports screams latent homosexuality. You need a nice she-male dominatrix to teach you respect.
31-40 points: You can't add.

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.
He stated that it was OK, because he loved her soooo much.
However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity from birth. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope that you can deal with that - once we are married."
She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant-sized penis."
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another.
As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room!
Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
"You told me that your penis was the size of an infant!", she said.
"Yes it is...8 pounds, 7 ounces, and 19 inches long!"

Sorry about this one, very funny though!

Two Aboriginal lads are riding along Great Eastern Highway on a motorbike.

Their motorbike breaks down and they start hitching a lift.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but he will take a look at the bike for them.
He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginals he has to leave.

"Heyyyyy mate" they say "gissa pucken lift".
The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginals put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he agree to take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which he replies - Aboriginal Eggs.

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he wants to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

The Officer replies: "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

After her recent rant on TV and in court, a psychologist said that Heather Mills is clearly unbalanced.
Sir Paul explained however that a couple of beermats under her left leg does the trick.

After recent events Sir Paul has vowed never to go down on one knee again.

Simple Math

This equation should be taught in all math classes. From a strictly mathematical view point it goes like this:

• What makes 100%?
• What does it mean to give more than 100%?
• Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
• We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
• How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
• Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions.

If...

• A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

...is represented as:

• 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

It is obvious that:

• H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
• 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%

And...

• K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
• 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%

But...

• A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E
• 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5=100%

While...

• B+U+L+L+S+H+I+T
• 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20=103%

Finally, and most effectively...

• A+S+S K+I+S+S+I+N+G
• 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7=127%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!

Who's the most popular guy at a nude beach?
The guy who can carry two cups of coffee and seven donuts.

Who's the most popular girl at a nude beach?
The girl who can eat the seventh donut.

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A farmer finds his son behind the barn pulling his pud, and the old man exclaims, "Son, if you are old enough to do that, then you are old enough to get married."
The next day the farmer takes his son across the hollow and arranges a wedding between his boy and the neighbor's daughter. The two are soon married and move in with the groom's father.
The next morning, the farmer goes behind the barn again and discovers his son flailing away, just as before. "Son, I got you married so you wouldn't have to do that!"

"Ah, pa, she ain't got no grip at all..."

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and asks,
"Bartender got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact
we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist
patron of ours.
Its a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and
Smirnoff Vodka.
The guy asks "Good greif what do you call it?"
The bartender replied,

Its a "Pabst Smir."

It has been announced today that as part of her divorce settlement that Heather Mills received a Plane.

She has however vowed to continue to use Imac on the other leg.

Romance Mathematics:
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Office Arithmetic:
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Shopping Math:
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

General Equations & Statistics:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Happiness:
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Longevity:
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Propensity To Change:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Discussion Technique:
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

How To Stop People From Bugging You About Getting Married:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah, God!".
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

For the 2008 automobile show in Germany, the organisers approached a
local artist and asked him if he could come up with an exhibition involving
some German cars.

The artist gave it some thought and sure enough his exhibition opend promptly
for the beginning of the show.

The organisers visited his work and looked at the first exhibit. A Volkswagen
with models of heads attached to the bodywork. "Interesting" came the first
comment. "Could you explain?" So the artist explained that the Volkswagen is
typically driven by the German Volk and the heads represented the German People.
"Ah very good" came the response.

At the next exhibit, a BMW with models of hands fixed to the bodywork. The
artist explains that the BMW is a car driven predominantly by German White collar
citizens and the hands represent the crafting of the German economy. Again the
organisers are impressed with this and move on to the next exhibit. An Opel with
a pair of synthetic legs attached to the chassis. The artist again explains that
the Opel is driven mainly by German blue collar workers and the legs are symbolic
for the hard work that carries the German industry. The organisers are really
impressed with this again and move on to the next exhibit - a Mercedes Benz.

This time however they are puzzled as there is nothing obvious about this car, nothing
attached, just a big black mercedes so they ask him "What is this, this is just a
normal car not a piece of art in sight?" The artist says "Well just open the doors
and you'll see the ASSHOLES inside!"

*RACIST AND GENERALLY OFFENSIVE JOKE. LOOK AWAY IF OFFENDED*

Read this on a wall in the uni toilets.

"Why does Edinburgh have all the AIDS cases and Glasgow all the Pakis?
'Cos Edinburgh got to choose first"

"Japan had a lookalike contest. They all won."

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a mail order bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride-to-be.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?", asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Good. She's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about thirty-five minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the laundry basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?".
I didn't respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.
After school, when my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to
perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few
things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an
American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use
it once a year. All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise
for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is
1-2-3-4, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again
for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and
puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying
next to her says, "1-2-3."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as
the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away,
turns over and asks, "What did you say 1-2-3 for?"

The Archbishop of Canterbury has decreed that the British weather predictions should be declared Muslim-friendly.

The first forecast described it as partly Sunni but mostly Shi'ite.

Wife takes hard-of-hearing husband to the doctor for a check-up.

Doctor: We'll need a stool, sperm and urine sample
Man-to-wife: What did he say?
Wife: He said he needs your underpants...

Five minute management course

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh * ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh * t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh * t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

courtesy of my gay German friend Christoph

** *World Economics*

*Traditional Economics**
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.*

**

*Indian Economics**
You have two cows.
You worship them.*

**

*Pakistani Economics**
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British for
Warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for
submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment.
*

*You buy the cows with all this and claim exploitation by the world.*

**

*American Economics
**You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.*

*French Economics**
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.*

**

*German Economics**
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month
and milk themselves. *

**

*British Economics**
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.*

**

*Italian Economics**
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.*

**

*Swiss Economics**
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.*

**

*Japanese Economics
**You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon
cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide*

*Chinese Economics**
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high
bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers*

*Russian Economics**
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and
learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka *

easter bunnies

Twelve of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...Oh my god! What have I just said?"
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So, Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?". Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
10. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

What Are Metaphors?

• "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a student on a Two-For-One drinks night.
• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
• She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• McMurphy fell twelve stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left New York at 6:36pm. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Pittsburgh at 4:19pm. at a speed of 35 mph.
• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red crayon.
• Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
• The door had been forced, as forced as the dialog during the interview portion of Family Feud.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
• He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
• Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
• It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
• The revelation that his marriage of thirty years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
• The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
• It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck reversing.
• She was as easy as the New York Times crossword puzzle.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
• Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
• It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded. "This may very well be the solution."
The next day she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

A man looks at his thingie and says "2 inches longer, I would have been the king!". His wife comes along : "2 Inches shorter, you would have been the queen!"

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
An old man once told us...
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Excerpts from church bulletins:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------------------------------------

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

--------------------------------------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------------------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------------------------------------

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

---- --- --- -------------------------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

------------------------------------------- ------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------------------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------------------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

-----------------------------------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

-----------------------------------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

-------------------------------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

-----------------------------------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

-----------------------------------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

----------------------------------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

----------------------------------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

----------------------------------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.

'Fucking get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fucking manager of this pigs shit middle class wank hole please
you cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of shit, I saw your poxy advert in the cunting
window and I'm here to audition I write all my own material...wanker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the cunts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'

'Wanker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the shit
box you get crap on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your ringpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'Fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she say´s.

'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear,
"Do you know your cock is hanging
out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?"

'Know it?'

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

"I fucking wrote it !!!"
_________________