Moms and Their Snooping
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter's room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter's room last week and you'll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"
Pa Won't Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
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Jokes
No chat, just jokes
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Comic genius that was Tommy Cooper!
1. Two blondes walk into a building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but Icouldn't find any
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high.
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ?Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat ba*tard!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when
a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night!
1. Two blondes walk into a building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but Icouldn't find any
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high.
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ?Is it common?' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I
think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat ba*tard!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the
other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when
a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb As digging continues into the night!
A cop saw a blonde down on her knees under a streetlight.
"Can I help you?" he asked.
"I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it," replied the blonde.
"Did you drop it right here?" asked the cop.
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."
__________________________________________________________________
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the blondes from the second team looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
"Can I help you?" he asked.
"I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it," replied the blonde.
"Did you drop it right here?" asked the cop.
"No," she responded, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."
__________________________________________________________________
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the blondes from the second team looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
A guy goes to the doctor and says, 'Doctor, I think I'm going deaf.'
The doctor says, 'What are the symptoms?'
The guy says, 'They're a disfunctional cartoon family with yellow heads.'
The doctor says, 'What are the symptoms?'
The guy says, 'They're a disfunctional cartoon family with yellow heads.'
A man goes into a doctor's with no trousers or underpants but with clingfilm clear food wrapping wrapped around his crotch.
The doctor looks at him and says “I can clearly see you’re nuts�.
(Tommy Cooper joke)
The doctor looks at him and says “I can clearly see you’re nuts�.
(Tommy Cooper joke)
Viz Top Tips
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it.
If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and
hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity
stolen.
Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank
statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine?
Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the
stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL.
You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
out
at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their
dogs
on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs
into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
wife
from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and
wave your arms frantically.
This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables
may be hidden in the glove box or
under a seat.
DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply
shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large
shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your
bigger hand so that they do not
appear to be the size of laser disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
Etam with several bags of shopping,
looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into
boiling water and driving away from
your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to
take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,
where a large selection is available
at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in
with the countryside after they've been
thrown out of car windows.
And for last
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
anyway and you could use the saved energy
to hoover the house after you've been banged.
DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it.
If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and
hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity
stolen.
Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank
statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine?
Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the
stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL.
You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
out
at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their
dogs
on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs
into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your
wife
from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not
wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and
wave your arms frantically.
This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables
may be hidden in the glove box or
under a seat.
DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply
shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large
shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your
bigger hand so that they do not
appear to be the size of laser disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
Etam with several bags of shopping,
looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into
boiling water and driving away from
your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to
take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,
where a large selection is available
at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in
with the countryside after they've been
thrown out of car windows.
And for last
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking org@sms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t
anyway and you could use the saved energy
to hoover the house after you've been banged.
QUOTE (Keydeck @ Nov 12 2007, 12:42 pm) 
A guy goes to the doctor and says, 'Doctor, I think I'm going deaf.'
The doctor says, 'What are the symptoms?'
The guy says, 'They're a disfunctional cartoon family with yellow heads.'
The doctor says, 'What are the symptoms?'
The guy says, 'They're a disfunctional cartoon family with yellow heads.'
I got this immediately and thought it funny. Everyone I have tried to share it with didn't get it. One just emailed to say "I had to go and ask a friend, it took us 5mins to get it".
WTF?
I heard that one a few years back and admittedly it took me a second or two!
Women walks into an Adult store and says to the man behind the counter "I would like to buy a vibrator please".
The man replies "certainly madam, we have them in small, medium, large, blue, red, pink, tartan, fat, thin.. you name we have it.."
She then says "What about that one there (and points behind the man)"
He replies "You can have that madam, thats my flask".
Perhaps not that funny, but made me chuckle.
Women walks into an Adult store and says to the man behind the counter "I would like to buy a vibrator please".
The man replies "certainly madam, we have them in small, medium, large, blue, red, pink, tartan, fat, thin.. you name we have it.."
She then says "What about that one there (and points behind the man)"
He replies "You can have that madam, thats my flask".
Perhaps not that funny, but made me chuckle.
How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
She opens the car door
She opens the car door
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
A mother was sitting on the sofa reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and asked, "Mommy, why is my name Petal?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mommy, why is my name Rose?"
She replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and asked, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."
The next baby walked up and asked, "Mommy, why is my name Rose?"
She replied, "Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."
The last baby walked up to her and asked, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY."
The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
Guy goes into the doctors. Gorgeous receptionist asks him to take a seat in the waiting room. Eventually he gets to see the doctor.
Doc: OK, Jim, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?
Jim: The bad news
Doc: You've got terminal cancer and about 3 months to live
Jim: Oh no,no,no. The good news?
Doc: I'm shagging the receptionist...
Doc: OK, Jim, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?
Jim: The bad news
Doc: You've got terminal cancer and about 3 months to live
Jim: Oh no,no,no. The good news?
Doc: I'm shagging the receptionist...
There was a Japanese businesman who entered a New York bank requesting a $10,000 loan (in cash) for 2 weeks, and put up his $200,000 Ferrari as a security against the loan. The bank agreed and said the charge would be $500.
2 weeks later the Japanese businessman returned to the bank and gave back the $10,000 loan, plus $500 charge. The curious bank manager then asked the businessman why he put down such a valuable security against such a low value loan.
The businessman replied, "Well where else in New York can I park my expensive car for 2 weeks and make sure it will be securely looked after for as little as $500."
2 weeks later the Japanese businessman returned to the bank and gave back the $10,000 loan, plus $500 charge. The curious bank manager then asked the businessman why he put down such a valuable security against such a low value loan.
The businessman replied, "Well where else in New York can I park my expensive car for 2 weeks and make sure it will be securely looked after for as little as $500."
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Christmas Season Begins...
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And
just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Christmas Season Begins...
Edeka poster at ubahn station
"Wir lieben Lebensmittel"
!!!! !!!
"Wir lieben Lebensmittel"
!!!! !!!
!!!
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.
The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde goes to a hairdresser and asks for a haircut. The hairdresser asks her to take off her earphones and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The hairdresser can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen to what it was and he hears: "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts his cap back on, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde goes to a hairdresser and asks for a haircut. The hairdresser asks her to take off her earphones and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The hairdresser can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen to what it was and he hears: "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts his cap back on, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
QUOTE
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep
Ater being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
The Chav Nativity
Let us not forget the true meaning of Christmas...
There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?) She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that.
Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'
Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Bacardi Breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra weez gonna get on the social an' that.'
Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their 'eads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End .
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'
It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt .'
Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey' Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella...
Let us not forget the true meaning of Christmas...
There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?) She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that.
Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref. One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at?' Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'
Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'
So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Bacardi Breezers an' that. She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra weez gonna get on the social an' that.'
Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'
Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that. But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.
Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their 'eads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End .
Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'
It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer. He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt .'
Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey' Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.'
So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.
Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella...
It had to happen.
A woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale, clitoris licking
frog.' She goes in and the shopkeeper says 'Bonjour madame'.
**************************************************************
Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, The Security guard asks her 'what's your
Mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.
**************************************************************
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel...
They say it's only for the Christmas period.
**************************************************************
A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits - it's worked for your arrse'.
**************************************************************
(And finally!)
Larry La Prise who wrote the song Hokey Cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - - then the trouble started.
frog.' She goes in and the shopkeeper says 'Bonjour madame'.
**************************************************************
Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, The Security guard asks her 'what's your
Mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.
**************************************************************
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel...
They say it's only for the Christmas period.
**************************************************************
A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits - it's worked for your arrse'.
**************************************************************
(And finally!)
Larry La Prise who wrote the song Hokey Cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in - - then the trouble started.
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to china. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in china and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Russia, Germany and France. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving France decided to travel to the UK to see if the British had the same phone.
He arrived in Yorkshire and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read 20 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why
is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son - it's a local call'.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to china. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in china and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.
He then travelled to Pakistan, Sri Lanka, Russia, Germany and France. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving France decided to travel to the UK to see if the British had the same phone.
He arrived in Yorkshire and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read 20 pence per call.'
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but everywhere I went the price was $10,000 per call. Why
is it so cheap here?'
The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son - it's a local call'.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,
how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I
need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
-- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,
how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I
need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
-- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law
It does say "no chat" in the title so I know I'm being disorderly but I can't resist, I just have to thank Deccie for these court gems.
Dyslexic Christian sells soul to Santa...News at 11
Sounds like the dyslexic agnostic who doesen't know if there's a Dog or not.
P.S. disclaimer - Scogs is dyslexic and very intelligent. These jokes do not reflect on dyslexics' mental abilities, they are only silly.
P.S. disclaimer - Scogs is dyslexic and very intelligent. These jokes do not reflect on dyslexics' mental abilities, they are only silly.
Stroke of Bad Luck
A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before sex could help him last longer. So he decided to try it. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, so he thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured he might get mugged.
Finally, he was inspired. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and said, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on here?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
_______________________________________________________
Rebuilding New York & Afghanistan
George W. Bush and Osama Bin Laden are having a conversation on Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"
George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"
Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."
George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan: I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street."
Osama asks, "And what do they say?"
George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"
A guy heard from his doctor that masturbating before sex could help him last longer. So he decided to try it. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, so he thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured he might get mugged.
Finally, he was inspired. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and said, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on here?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
_______________________________________________________
Rebuilding New York & Afghanistan
George W. Bush and Osama Bin Laden are having a conversation on Al Jazeera television. Bin Laden tells George Bush, "There is no point of engaging in further war. I can see total peace in the future!"
George Bush replies, "Oh yeah and tell me what you see?"
Osama answers, "I can see New York, with new great buildings on one side and beautiful new buildings on the other side, and everything is peaceful and wonderful."
George Bush says, "Wow is that what you see? Well I'll tell ya what I see for the future of Afghanistan: I see a house here, a house there, a small building here and small building there, but there are signs hanging in the middle of the street."
Osama asks, "And what do they say?"
George answers, "Hell, I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"
One testicle turns to the other and says..
'I don't see why we are hanging, Dick did the shooting'...
'I don't see why we are hanging, Dick did the shooting'...
Joke for the young ones...
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs...
A wonkey...
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and only 1 eye..
A winkey wonkey...
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs...
A wonkey...
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs and only 1 eye..
A winkey wonkey...
Some aerograms between pilot and tower:
Controller: "Flight 2431, for noise abatement turn 45 degrees to the right. . ."
Pilot: "Roger, but Center, we are at 35'000 feet, how much noise can we
make up her?"
Controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a
727 ?"
__________________________________________________________
Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: give us another hint, we have digital watches!
__________________________________________________________
Eggenfelden Info: D-EXXX pls. report persons on board.
D-EXXX (C-172): Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?
_______________________________________________________________
Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
___________________________________________________________
Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (Nach einer Denkpause) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (Nach einer Denkpause) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!"
Pilot: (Nach einer erneuten Pause) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."
______________________________________________________________
The chief of United States naval operations has released the following transcript of a radio conversation between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
US ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Canadian reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
US ship: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course!
US ship: This is the Battleship USS Missouri; we are a large warship of the US Navy. Divert your course now!!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Controller: "Flight 2431, for noise abatement turn 45 degrees to the right. . ."
Pilot: "Roger, but Center, we are at 35'000 feet, how much noise can we
make up her?"
Controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a
727 ?"
__________________________________________________________
Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: give us another hint, we have digital watches!
__________________________________________________________
Eggenfelden Info: D-EXXX pls. report persons on board.
D-EXXX (C-172): Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop): Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?
_______________________________________________________________
Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
___________________________________________________________
Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (Nach einer Denkpause) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (Nach einer Denkpause) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!"
Pilot: (Nach einer erneuten Pause) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."
______________________________________________________________
The chief of United States naval operations has released the following transcript of a radio conversation between a US Navy ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
US ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Canadian reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
US ship: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert your course!
US ship: This is the Battleship USS Missouri; we are a large warship of the US Navy. Divert your course now!!
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Along the same lines - but this is real: I know the captain involved as he mailed me the text:
Flying a longer period in the Frankfurt airspace without any radio calls, which is not normal:
Aircraft: Frankfurt, LH 5538 radio check?
Controller: Ja, ich bin noch da, wenig los heute.
A few minutes later...
Controller: LH 5538 for more entertainment contact Bremen on 124.95 goodbye!
After first contact with Bremen ATC many miles away:
Controller: Cleared direct to 10 miles final RWY 27 at Bremen.
Aircraft: (unbelievable) Say Again?
Controller: Roger, you are cleared direct to 10 miles final RWY 27 at Bremen and by the way, this clearance is sponsored by Becks beer, bottled in Bremen and sold in 148 countries all over the world...
Flying a longer period in the Frankfurt airspace without any radio calls, which is not normal:
Aircraft: Frankfurt, LH 5538 radio check?
Controller: Ja, ich bin noch da, wenig los heute.
A few minutes later...
Controller: LH 5538 for more entertainment contact Bremen on 124.95 goodbye!
After first contact with Bremen ATC many miles away:
Controller: Cleared direct to 10 miles final RWY 27 at Bremen.
Aircraft: (unbelievable) Say Again?
Controller: Roger, you are cleared direct to 10 miles final RWY 27 at Bremen and by the way, this clearance is sponsored by Becks beer, bottled in Bremen and sold in 148 countries all over the world...
When Deer and Cessna Meet
A CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Instructor: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Student: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Instructor: "That's a good idea."
(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Instructor: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Student: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Instructor: "That's a good idea."
Student: "Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway."
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then--I presume by coincidence--the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off!
A CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Instructor: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Student: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Instructor: "That's a good idea."
(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Student: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Instructor: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Student: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Instructor: "That's a good idea."
Student: "Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway."
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then--I presume by coincidence--the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off!
Compassion
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the Intensive Care Unit.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice, complimentary, from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then, she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take!
"For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed ...
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the Intensive Care Unit.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice, complimentary, from the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then, she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take!
"For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed ...
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?"
MY LIVING WILL
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.
A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.
As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.�
“But I'm not pregnant,� she says.
“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,� he says.
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One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.
The next night Bush is astir again and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."
The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"
"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."
As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.�
“But I'm not pregnant,� she says.
“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,� he says.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him. Bush asks, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away.
The next night Bush is astir again and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," Jefferson advises, and dims from sight.
The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist.
Bush isn't sleeping well the fourth night when he sees another figure moving in the shadows. It is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Bush pleads, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do right now to help the country?"
Lincoln replies, "Go see a play."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."
The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"
"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."
Real Names from the 1901 British census (http://www.census.pro.gov.uk/)
Arthur Arse (London)
Margaret Piss (Middlesex)
Valentine Fart (London)
Elizabeth Shag (Lancaster)
Benjamine Bottom (Sheffield)
August Wanker (London)
Harriett Shite (East Sussex)
Minnie Shafter (Kingston Upon Hull)
Alexander Penis (Liverpool)
Willie Cock (London)
Annie Fanny (Lincoln)
Wilfred Minge (Sark)
Rose Shitter (Hampshire)
Ivy Crapper (London)
Alice Turd (Southampton)
William Poop (Sussex)
Samuel Pants (London)
Moses Winkle (Staffordshire)
Daisy Shatter (Isle of White)
Willie Pooper (Worcestershire)
William Tit (Gloucestershire)
Ellen Dumpling (Durham)
Bertie Balls (London)
Matilda Pisser (London)
Ah Cum (London)
Nina Guffer (Middlesex)
Mercy Guffs (London)
Minnie Butt (London)
Zelick Jerk (London)
George Buttman (East Suffolk)
Robert Tosser (Lancashire)
Willie Sucker (Somerset)
Jane Bummer (St Helens)
Benjamin Farter (Wolverhampton)
Queeme Licker (Middlesex)
Henry Hardcock (Surrey)
Peter Puff (Lancashire)
Henry Mincer (Lancashire)
Samuel Ponce (Chester)
Daisy Gaylord (London)
Sarah Fooker (Dorset)
John Cockaday (London)
Fred Cocking (Huddersfield)
Francis Cockshott (London)
Annie Minger (Gloucestershire)
Albert Shitport (Warwickshire)
Walter Crapman (Norfolk)
Cecil Crapp (Surrey)
Alice Fartking (West Suffolk)
...and for everyone who titters at people named Fanny:
Fanny Flicker (Bristol)
Fanny Winkle (Staffs)
Fanny Tinkler (Leicester)
Fanny Wind (Brighton)
Fanny Belcher (Gloucestershire)
Fanny Rimmer (Blackpool)
Fanny Payne (Shropshire)
Fanny Rust (Newport)
Fanny Clam (Huddersfield)
Fanny Bush (Glamorganshire)
Fanny Longbottom (Leeds)
Fanny Sidebottom (North Manchester)
Fanny Bottom (Bradford)
Fanny Large (Wigan)
Fanny Mould (Birmingham)
Fanny Magnet (Whitechapel)
Fanny Bucket (Ashover)
Fanny Wide (Devon)
Fanny Small (Portsmouth)
Fanny Bent (Loughborough)
Fanny Tingle (Sheffield)
Fanny Tickle (Wigan)
Fanny Tickler (Grimsby)
Fanny Crack (Suffolk)
Fanny Cleft (London)
Arthur Arse (London)
Margaret Piss (Middlesex)
Valentine Fart (London)
Elizabeth Shag (Lancaster)
Benjamine Bottom (Sheffield)
August Wanker (London)
Harriett Shite (East Sussex)
Minnie Shafter (Kingston Upon Hull)
Alexander Penis (Liverpool)
Willie Cock (London)
Annie Fanny (Lincoln)
Wilfred Minge (Sark)
Rose Shitter (Hampshire)
Ivy Crapper (London)
Alice Turd (Southampton)
William Poop (Sussex)
Samuel Pants (London)
Moses Winkle (Staffordshire)
Daisy Shatter (Isle of White)
Willie Pooper (Worcestershire)
William Tit (Gloucestershire)
Ellen Dumpling (Durham)
Bertie Balls (London)
Matilda Pisser (London)
Ah Cum (London)
Nina Guffer (Middlesex)
Mercy Guffs (London)
Minnie Butt (London)
Zelick Jerk (London)
George Buttman (East Suffolk)
Robert Tosser (Lancashire)
Willie Sucker (Somerset)
Jane Bummer (St Helens)
Benjamin Farter (Wolverhampton)
Queeme Licker (Middlesex)
Henry Hardcock (Surrey)
Peter Puff (Lancashire)
Henry Mincer (Lancashire)
Samuel Ponce (Chester)
Daisy Gaylord (London)
Sarah Fooker (Dorset)
John Cockaday (London)
Fred Cocking (Huddersfield)
Francis Cockshott (London)
Annie Minger (Gloucestershire)
Albert Shitport (Warwickshire)
Walter Crapman (Norfolk)
Cecil Crapp (Surrey)
Alice Fartking (West Suffolk)
...and for everyone who titters at people named Fanny:
Fanny Flicker (Bristol)
Fanny Winkle (Staffs)
Fanny Tinkler (Leicester)
Fanny Wind (Brighton)
Fanny Belcher (Gloucestershire)
Fanny Rimmer (Blackpool)
Fanny Payne (Shropshire)
Fanny Rust (Newport)
Fanny Clam (Huddersfield)
Fanny Bush (Glamorganshire)
Fanny Longbottom (Leeds)
Fanny Sidebottom (North Manchester)
Fanny Bottom (Bradford)
Fanny Large (Wigan)
Fanny Mould (Birmingham)
Fanny Magnet (Whitechapel)
Fanny Bucket (Ashover)
Fanny Wide (Devon)
Fanny Small (Portsmouth)
Fanny Bent (Loughborough)
Fanny Tingle (Sheffield)
Fanny Tickle (Wigan)
Fanny Tickler (Grimsby)
Fanny Crack (Suffolk)
Fanny Cleft (London)
A man owned a small farm in Minnesota. The Minnesota State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $350 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $50 per week, pays his own room and board, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. And he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $350 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $50 per week, pays his own room and board, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. And he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer.
Why Yelling At A Man Doesn't Work:
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
Blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON!
Blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
Blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
Blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
Blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped and in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway to bring the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
Blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON!
Blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
Blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
Blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
Blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped and in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway to bring the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion
losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour
week.
Kerviel hid his November losses in a batch of wonderfully fresh croissant
Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still
be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a
half for lunch.
One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a
family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the
latest, if I wasn't on strike.
"But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at
3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat and there he was, fast
asleep on the photocopier.
"At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered
he had been working for almost six hours."
As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering
them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry
horns.
At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of tranactions by hiding them
inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception.
Last night a spokesman for SócÃété Générálé denied that Kerviel was
overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were
about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant bastards.
losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour
week.
Kerviel hid his November losses in a batch of wonderfully fresh croissant
Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still
be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a
half for lunch.
One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a
family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the
latest, if I wasn't on strike.
"But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at
3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat and there he was, fast
asleep on the photocopier.
"At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered
he had been working for almost six hours."
As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering
them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry
horns.
At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of tranactions by hiding them
inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception.
Last night a spokesman for SócÃété Générálé denied that Kerviel was
overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were
about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant bastards.
not really a joke. but whatever.
guy who makes it to top spot of worst ever audition on german popstars
55secs in it all starts going wrong for the guy. hilarious
http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=eCIUp5b75PA
guy who makes it to top spot of worst ever audition on german popstars
55secs in it all starts going wrong for the guy. hilarious
http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=eCIUp5b75PA
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they're afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.
The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!
Now men... men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our local drugstore was robbed of 500 bottles of Viagra.
The suspect is known to be a hardened criminal!
John Brown joined the army on the 26th January 1958.
On his first morning he was given a comb, later that afternoon the army cut his hair.
On the morning of his second day he was given a tooth brush, later that day the army took out 5 of his teeth.
On the mornng of his third day, he was given a jock-strap.
The army have been looking for Mr Brown for the last 50 years.
On his first morning he was given a comb, later that afternoon the army cut his hair.
On the morning of his second day he was given a tooth brush, later that day the army took out 5 of his teeth.
On the mornng of his third day, he was given a jock-strap.
The army have been looking for Mr Brown for the last 50 years.
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for a fiver, you tight b*stard?!!"
Every day he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for a fiver, you tight b*stard?!!"
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?".
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?".
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out partying with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
Later, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He's very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but by God we took first and second place."
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out partying with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
Later, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He's very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but by God we took first and second place."
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'
Three European businessmen are drinking in a bar and discussing how
stupid their women are.
The first says: "Mine is completely idiot. Last week, she went to the
super market and bought 300 Euros meat because it was in offer and we
do not even have freezer in order to put it in ."
Second agrees that it is quite fool but insists that his wife is
worse. "Two weeks ago she spent 17. 000 Euros in order to get a new
car and does not even have a driving license!"
The third one, blond, shakes the head thoughtfully and he agrees that
also the two spouses of his friends are hazes, but believes that his
exceeds any imagination. "Each time I think of it, it makes me laugh a
lot", he says. "Last week my wife left home for holidays in Greece. I
was watching her preparing her suitcase and she took with her five
boxes of condoms: and she doesn't even have a penis!
stupid their women are.
The first says: "Mine is completely idiot. Last week, she went to the
super market and bought 300 Euros meat because it was in offer and we
do not even have freezer in order to put it in ."
Second agrees that it is quite fool but insists that his wife is
worse. "Two weeks ago she spent 17. 000 Euros in order to get a new
car and does not even have a driving license!"
The third one, blond, shakes the head thoughtfully and he agrees that
also the two spouses of his friends are hazes, but believes that his
exceeds any imagination. "Each time I think of it, it makes me laugh a
lot", he says. "Last week my wife left home for holidays in Greece. I
was watching her preparing her suitcase and she took with her five
boxes of condoms: and she doesn't even have a penis!
Those Lovely Farmer's Daughters
A farmer had three beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
A farmer had three beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
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