Jokes

Courtesy of my youngest brother this time:

Q: How many neocons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb will welcome us with open arms and then screw itself in.

Q: How many neocons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They'll declare a War on Darkness and then burn down the house.

Q: How many neocons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Go fÃœck yourself. [This has been described as the Ur-neocon-joke. i concur.]

Q: What do you get when you cross a neocon with a lemming?
A: Peace. [i had to think for a moment on this one, then it got much funnier.]

Q: Why shouldn't you date a neocon?
A: He'll say he's going to pull out but he never will.

And a gratuitous Bush joke...

Q: What does Bush think of Roe v. Wade?
A: He really doesn't care how you get out of New Orleans.

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

A fireman is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl riding down the sidewalk in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wago n is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fireman walks out to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck? he says admiringly. "Thanks, Mister Fireman," the girl says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, ?I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies sweetly, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Q: What has 90 balls and screws old ladies?

A: BINGO!

>The Seven Dwarfs
>
>The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the
>seven dwarfs,
>they are ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
>
>"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
>
>Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any
>dwarf nuns in Rome?"
>
>The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a
>moment and
>answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
>
>In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy
>turns around and glares, silencing them.
>
>Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in
>all of Europe?"
>
>The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then
>answers,
>"No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
>
>This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once
>again, Grumpy
>turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
>
>Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf
>nuns anywhere in the world?"
>
>The Pope, really confused by the questions says, "I'm sorry,
>my son, there
>are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
>
>The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
>pounding the
>floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
>chanting...
>
>"Grumpy shagged a penguin! Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
>

Two cough sweets walk into a pub, one asks for a gin and tonic and the other for a cider. The barman refuses to serve the red cough sweet her gin and tonic, but the green and white cough sweet is served very quickly.

"I thought we didn't serve cough sweets any more," remarked a watching bar maid.
"We don't as a rule," replied the publican, "but she looked fucking menthol."

Didn't know where to post this one, so I pu it here.

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. [/size]

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly,

all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing

and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.




Probably wasn't the same elephant.[size="2"]

Husband says to wife : "which condoms will we use tonight dear?"
Wife says: "lets use the Olympic ones!"
Husband: "Oh good, I'll get the Gold one then?"
Wife: " No dear, the Silver, ...you can come second for a change!!"

Why do women wake up and rub their eyes?

Cos they don't have any bollocks!

Newfoundland declares war on the US:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!" Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?� George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

Lard T'underin' bye", said Archie, I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie,� I’ll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

There's a small German town near Munich called Pfilzerplatz, and the town is renowned for producing fine stationery. Anyway, Munich had a problem --the thousands of stray dogs in the city were breeding with one another and overrunning the city. So the people of Munich banded together and ran the dogs out of the city. Unfortunately, the dogs appeared in Pfilzerplatz. The dogs took over everything, and the mayor decided to evacuate the town. The paper mills were shut down, and everyone left. But a couple days later, the townsfolk, watching their town from the hills, saw smoke rising from the smokestacks. They knew no humans were left in the town, so they concluded that the dogs had learned to operate the factories. The mayor hurried to Munich's town hall and pleaded, "You've got to help us! The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"

>
>> On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
>> together.
>>
>> One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
>> sink.
>>
>> Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the
>> farmer
>> for help!
>>
>> Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched
>> and
>> searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with
>> the
>> only tractor.
>>
>> Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
>>
>> Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of
>> rope
>> hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
>>
>> Back at the bog, t he horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
>> arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
>> rope
>> the chicken tossed to him.
>>
>> After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the
>> chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
>> rescued the horse!
>>
>> Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and
>> the
>> farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
>>
>> The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
>> Pals.
>>
>> A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
>> began
>> to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
>>
>> The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
>>
>> Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and
>> he
>> would then lift him out of the pit.
>>
>> The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving
>> his
>> life.
>>
>> The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
>>
>> "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up
>> Chicks"

A very camp looking man pulls up at the Tankstelle.

He pulls down his Hosen and shoves the petrol dispenser way up his Po.

Horrified, the Attendant runs out shouting "das ist nicht normal!"

To which the camp man replies "nein, dass is SUPERRRR!"

What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean?
Nothing, they just waved.

Lame, I know.

sorry posted this somewhere else today but I thought it was bad enough to share again.

Why is an atheist to be pitied?

Because when he's getting a blowjob, he has no one to speak to...

here's a bad joke but never the less here it goes;

What do you a call a chicken, that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt and crosses over again?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A dirty double crosser!

One from my 8 year old niece,

What kind of bees give you milk?

Boo Bees.

Let us further lower the niveau here:

Q: Who is buried in Alexander the Grape's tomb?

A: Alexander the Raisin

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and gasp for air. Every morning she would ask him to stop it as it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued.

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But with a lot of luck, some Vaseline and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Aussie Love Story -

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Anzac
biscuits wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already
in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite Anzac biscuits.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Aussie
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.

"Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Blonde Cookbook

It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12
eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I
didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the
rice any.

Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare
ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why
I was rolling around in the garden..

I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and
beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back,
everything was the same as when I left.

Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it
for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps
counting to ten.

Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was
hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven
and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my
disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for
tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into
buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.

My Dad was an Ambulance man Ooop North and was called to some grotty dark, wet and miserable set of railway sidings one night after a locomotive driver reported that he had hit some one with his shunting engine.

So, there's my Dad and his oppo, plus a railway foreman and 2 of the Lancs Contabulary's finest searching for a body. They found it and my Dad reported that it was in pretty good condition for a railway casualty (he was old tramp, apparently...er the casualty, not my Dad.)

Sadly, the casualty's head was missing, so, leaving a copper to look after the railway foreman who had fainted and cracked his head on the line, the team began to serach a little further down the line, then up the line, then down again. It was of course dark and as wet as it gets in Manchester and it apparently took some time.

Eventually his oppo found it not 6 feet away from the body. "I've found it !" he called holding the head up and illuminating it with his torch.

"Nah!" says my Dad, "He was taller than that !"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold,Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, "This must be a sign from God!" . The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then, she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, and evil. Don't mess with them.

>>> A rich bloke from Barnsley goes to the jewellers. 'Can tha mek us a
>>> gold statue o' mi dog?'
>>>
>>> Jeweller asks 'Duz tha want it 18 carat?'
>>>
>>> 'No, chewin a bone' yer daft t*at!

Q. Why does caviar never end well ?
A. Because it's a fishes cycle.

Q. Why is Michael Jackson like caviar ?
A. Because they both come on little white crackers.

THE BURNED OUT GYNECOLOGIST:
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.

I hear that they are having a wip round for Pavarottis funeral.We are only a tenor short.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

A man is walking down the street saying the most terrible things about Italians to his friend.
He blames the Italians for everything, the dark ages, the black death, WW1, WW2, problems in the Catholic Church, poverty, the Vietnam war, famine in Africa and so on.
He is cursing the Italians in the most vile language.

Upon turning the corner they spot an Italian organ grinder with a small monkey.
The Italian hating man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a few coins and places them in the cup the monkey is holding.

"You hate Italians so much. How come you did that?", his friend asks.

The Italian hater replies, "Oh, I do hate Italians, that's for sure, but the kids are so cute when they're young."

A young man volunteered to help some handicapped children, he has been given the job of following one of them round and helping him out, with everything, and I mean everything including toilet. this for the whole weekend

This kid had one of those talking boards that he'd hit with a pencil type thing and Steven Hawking would talk to you.

Anyhow one evening, he said to this kid (Couldn't talk, walk, feed himself anything like that) "What's it like in there?" Robot voice replied "W.A.I.T"

And so young man waits while this kid practically shakes his head loose whilst smashing out a message on his keyboard thing...

His reply? Imagine if you will the robot voice...

"I.T. I.S. N.O.T M.U.C.H F.U.N.
B.U.T. F.O.R. A.L.L. O.F. M.Y. P.R.O.B.L.E.M.S I. C.A.N. A.L.W.A.Y.S. T.E.L.L. P.E.O.P.L.E. T.H.A.T. I. H.A.V.E. N.E.V.E.R. H.A.D. T.O. W.I.P.E. M.Y. O.W.N. A.R.S.E. T.H.E.R.E. A.R.E. A.L.W.A.Y.S. P.E.O.P.L.E. L.I.N.I.N.G. U.P. T.O. D.O. T.H.A.T F.O.R. M.E.
C.A.N. Y.O.U. S.A.Y. T.H.E.S.A.M.E. T.H.I.N.G?"

Thanks, Ma:

There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this!

We must preserve the exclusivity and above all, the purity of the English language.

To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture.

To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz.

This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah!

These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned.

I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else.

Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole mynseh is a pain in my tuchas!

--Jackie Mason

Carreras, Domingo and Pavarotti are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."
God asks Jose first: "What do you believe?" Jose thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my fans."

God can't help but see the essential goodness of Carreras, and offers him a seat to his left.

Then God turns to Domingo and says, "What do you believe?" Placido says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but by good voice and bad, I've always tried to be a true artist, both on and off the stage." God is greatly moved by Placido's eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right.

Finally, God turns to Pav: "And you, Maestro, what do you believe?"

Pav replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose

bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that if flew off, splattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up.

Then all the other bells started to ring.

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.
The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're off your face!"

The Injured Thumb

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.

"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!"

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

A gardener of a large hotel in France discovers that his rose trees are more than ten
meters in height. He also discovers tomatoes 10 centimeters in diameter and
melons of about ten kilos in weight.

He calls the director and says to him: ' For me, I want the hotel known as
a lodger for the Tour de France, not where the riders stop to piss in the
garden!'

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened." After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.
"What!?!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points?!"
Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

Brian Ashton (coach of the English rugby team) and Graham Henry (coach of the New Zealand rugby team) both die and enter the Pearly Gates. God takes Brian on a tour of heaven and ends up at a little two-bedroom bungalow with a faded English rugby banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, Brian," says God, "You're very lucky. Most people don't get their own houses up here, you know." Brian looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the huge mansion on top of the hill. A massive, multi-storey affair with white marble columns, balconies and attractive gardens, All Black banners line both sides of the footpath and a huge New Zealand flag hangs between the marble columns. "Thanks for the bungalow, God," says Brian, "But let me ask you a question. How come I get this little two-bedroom bungalow and Graham Henry gets a huge mansion with all those marble columns and things." God looks at him seriously for a moment. "That's not Henry's house," God says. "That's my house."

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'er"

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'er the whole bale."

The Duck & the Lawyer

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side
of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the e fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field,
and now I' m going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming
over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in
the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you
and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we
settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the
'Three Kick Rule.''

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get
to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and
so on back and forth u until someone gives up.'
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided
that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to
the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot int
the lawyer's groin! and dropped pped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end,sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old
fart.Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said , 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'

Subject: Sub prime knock on effect

The knock on from the US sub prime market in Japan shows no signs of letting up.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cutback some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose- dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at sushi bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal

An English professor wrote the following words on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly: "A woman without her man is nothing".
All the males in the class wrote, "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote, "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

How true!

Thought of the Day:
Handle every situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.

Best OUT OF OFFICE email auto-replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE BISCUIT:

8. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

A man was injured in a bad accident. The only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the right man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?"

"You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Arthur."
"Arthur who?"
"Arthur any better jokes on this site?"

A farmer walks into his bedroom holding a sheep in his arms, looks at his wife laying in the bed and says,

"Honey, I want to show you the pig I've been Fuckin'!"

His wife answers with,

"First of all, that isn't a pig and..."

Her husband quickly interrupts and yells,

"Shut up! I wasn't talkin' to you!"

Dote!

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''
The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''
So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that...'', and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

-----------------------------------------------------

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A football coach?"

----------------------------------------------------

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! �
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

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A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."