Jokes

Bush and Cheney At Lunch
President Bush and Dick Cheney are having lunch at a restaurant. Cheney orders the heart-healthy salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says, "Honey could I have a quickie?"
The waitress is horrified. "Mr. President," she says, "I thought your administration was bringing a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see what a false promise that was."
And she marches off in a huff.
Cheney leans over and says, "George, it's pronounced quiche."

St. Peter & The Clocks
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.
"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"
"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."
The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.
"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.
"What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's George Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan."

Sign On A Brothel
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat it! We're closed.

Do Moon
How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?
Eclipse it!

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become

I am still groaning over this one:

Two fonts walk into a bar, and the barman says, "Sorry lads, we don't serve your type".

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game?
There was a face-off in the corner.
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Yo' mama's so stupid that when I asked her to turn on the TV she started strippin'.
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Montana Ghost Story
A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start," says the professor, "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" asks the professor.

One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished.

He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang, I thought you said 'goats.'
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A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME

WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING
FOR WEEKS NOW"

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON
MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

THE WIFE ASKS,

"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO."

FINE, SHE SAYS,

"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT
TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS.

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE

OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS
ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY",

HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID,

"WELL,

WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED
ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID,

"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED,

"HELLOOOOO...

DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

North Country Gazette: Convicted Penis Pump Judge Argues Sentence Too Stiff


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Movie Magic
Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed, one girl leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next to me is masturbating."
Her friend replied, "Don't do anything. Just ignore it."
The first girl said, "I can't."
Her friend, "Why can't you ignore it?"
The first one says, "Because he's using my hand!"


_{Monkey business...}

David Blaine's Street Magic - Part 2

Creative CV from A Gentleman

Name: In which language?
Age: Confidential (it's too private)
Height: Not related to the job
Weight: Varies all the time before lunch or after
Current Place: At what stage of my life? Please be more specific.
Tel: Ericsson
E-mail: Only available for pretty and wealthy gals
Working Time: The shorter, the better.
Interested Vacancy: A position that has not much to do.
Alma Mater: A university that no one can find in the world.
Languages: Fluent in nothing but talking-big.
Birthday: Lunar or solar calendar date?
Hobbies: Many excluding working
Experiences: Fooling around all the time
Previous Pots: Decent or not, please be more specific
Marital Status: Still looking for a pretty and wealthy gal, who can hopefully be found in your company.
Further Expectation: Have a speech on stage and retire as soon as possible
Anticipated Salary: The more, the better.

Irish comedian Dave Allen is an old favorite of mine.

Enjoy:

Dave Allen - Giving Up Smoking



Dave Allen - Haunted House



"Goodnight, thank you, and may your god go with you." (Dave Allen At Large)

How To Catch A Bear:

1) Dig a hole.

2) Put ashes in the bottom of the hole.

3) line the edges of the hole with peas.

4) Wait. Then...

5) When a bear comes to take a pea you push him in the ash hole!!!

What's the difference between
love,
true love,
and showing off?

Spit, swallow, gargle.

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough.

As the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough
to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his
wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home,
get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear
is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting
on his other hand...

This procedure also works in Birmingham , most of Essex and anywhere in
Wales.

Victory in Europe

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans
and Countrymen, lend me your ears.
Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall
start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty
Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh? He
couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses
the crowd in the Coliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I
have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed
50,000 Gauls". The crowd are up on their feet again.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail
mighty Caesar".
Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to
France to check this out." So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks
later he comes back to Rome.
Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and
Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those
b*stards out". The crowd are up on their feet.
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you
had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and
you only killed 25,000 !!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus
and says "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing . . . . .

away Gauls count double in Europe."

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered
a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me,
I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the
woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the
farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man . "I'm a chicken farmer, and for
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."

A man goes to a whorehouse that boasts of a prostitute that can sing and give blow jobs at the same time. So he says to the Madam, "Madam, I'd like a blowjob from your singing whore."

The Madam takes him to a room and leaves. Shortly afterwards, a young, plain girl enters, and tells him, "if you want a singing blowjob, it has to be in the dark." The man agrees, so she turns out the light and unzips his fly.

She begins, and this is the best blowjob he's ever had. AND she's singing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. The man is incredulous and amazed, then blows his load. By the time he turns the light on, the prostitute has already left.

He pays the madam and leaves, wondering how the hell she could give such an amazing blowjob and sing at the same time. He decides to find out.

The man goes back to the whorehouse, and requests the singing whore again. The same routine occurs. But before she's finished, the man whips out a flashlight and turns it on. Again, the girl is too quick for him, and flees the room. Still in the dark, he turns the light on, only to find a glass eye on the floor.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him.

The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night.

The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.
"You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies... "You just happened to catch my eye."

It's 1994 in South Africa. Apartheid's over and some schools have started integrating kids of all races.

A grade class teacher decides that she would let the kids go home early on a Friday afternoon, so she tells them:
"Class, after big break we're going to have a little spelling test and whoever gets their question correct can go home early."

After break the teacher asks the kids who wants to go first. All the kids jump up and down, hands up: "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!" they shout.

The teacher looks around and chooses her brightest and favourite little Sally. "OK, Sally. What did you do during big break?" Sally: "I played in the sand pit with the other kids, miss." Teacher: "Right, Sally. Spell sand." Sally stands up and spells: "S-A-N-D, miss." The teacher tells Sally she can go home and asks who wants to be next.

Again the class jumps up as one shouting: "Me, Miss. Me, Miss!" Again the teacher looks around and this time chooses little Johnny. She asks him what he did during big break and he replies that he also played in the sand pit. "OK, Johnny," teacher says. "Spell pit." Johnny gets up and spells: " P-I-T, miss." Teacher tells Johnny he can go home.

Now there's pandemonium in the class and every kid's desperate to be next.

This time the teacher decides she has to be sensitive to the new realities of things and decides to choose the black kid in the class. "Sipho," she asks. "What did you do during big break?". Sipho answers: "Miss, I also wanted to play in the sand pit, but the white kids wouldn't let me!"

"OK, Sipho," teacher says. "Spell Racial Discrimination."

This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house, he was told that the only way he could play today was if he was willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker. "Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language around us." said the nun.
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again."
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun.
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man.
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."
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The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.
One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"
"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."
"Oh really" she spat, "then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."
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A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look short!"

Micheal Jackson is at the Neverland ranch with several young boys, and is frolicing in the hot tub with the group, when all of a sudden some sperm floats to the surface of the water, and Micheal says " OK, which one of you fellas farted".

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Caprice cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em up!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem, you're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase."

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you - I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot for young lovers. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing so he carefully approaches to get a closer look.

Inside he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" The cop says: "What are you doing?" The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine." Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir." The cop asks: "And her... what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11minutes."

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights while not paying attention. The driver got out. He was a dwarf. He said "I'm not fkn happy!" ... I replied, "so which one are you then ?" ...

Think you've seen everything in Saudi Arabia?

Amazing Saudi Sandals

Q. Why was the blonde staring at the orange juice container?
A. Because it said "Concentrate".

Q: What's the difference between a tie and an ox-tail?
A: The ox-tail covers the whole a$$hole.

After a big international brewers conference held in Dublin, the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The man from Heineken sits down and says, "Give me Europe's most popular beer." The barman nods and pours a glass of urine-coloured lager.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The barman gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I reckoned if you fellows aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Q: What do rednecks do on Halloween?
A: Pump kin.
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Yo' Mama is so ugly, her portraits hang themselves.
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Why is Santa's sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
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How much calcium is in a woman's breast?
Enough to make a bone eight inches long.
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Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them.
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Drinking With the Guys
Dave's friends came up to him after work one day and asked him to go out for a few beers with them.
Dave replied, ''No, I can't. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late.''
Dave's friend said, ''When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex. She won't say anything.''
So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After a while, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there.
When Dave gets to the bathroom he's stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. ''How did you get here?'' he asked.
''Shhhh,'' she replied, ''my mom is sleeping.''

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to
REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.

For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read
on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can
track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a boat to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat a proper looking, older British lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.
The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said.
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too."
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"
The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
___________________________________________________________________________

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

boss: it's the 5th time you arrived late this week. What should I think?
worker: that it's Friday.

Q: What is the difference between a Yankee and a quickie?
A: They are pretty much the same except one you do by yourself.

boss: Yes, I know that with your salary you cannot afford a marriage... One day you will thank me.

The Model Lodger
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model working in a nearby city center studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot water."
"What about your husband? asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimsuits or underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity but he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me millions of times."
"Yes," said Fred, "I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
__________________________________________________________

Bozo's Ass
There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor.
The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!'' exclaimed Bozo.
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey,'' said the manager.
''It was there. You should have!''

Karl-Heinz: "Hey Horst!"
Horst: "Ja?"
Karl-Heinz: "Knokk-knokk!"
Horst: "Achtung! Vast ist dere?"
Karl-Heinz: "Ist Boo!"
Horst: "Boo Who?"
Karl-Heinz: "Aha! Du bist all emotischen! Big frauleinz blousen!"
[pause]
Horst: "Aaaaaah, dast ist humorische!"

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me Bobby, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"

The drunk replied in slurred words, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pity-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up, Bitch."

Love that Poots

I got in a car accident on the way home from work.
I rear-ended someone.
Guy gets out of his car; I get out of mine. He's a dwarf.
We're sitting there waiting for the police to arrive and he goes, "I'm not happy."
I said, "so which one are you?"

OMG!!! That was soooo 16 posts ago at #1725.
you be #1741,
sorry to give you crap but on the otherhand...
take care,
space

A joke in German, but I wanted to share this, and it cannot be translated..

Am 8.Tag erschuf Gott die Dialekte.
Alle Völkchen waren glücklich.
Der Berliner sagte:
"Ick hab nen tollen Dialekt,wa?",
der Hanseate sagte:
"Mein Dialekt ist dufte!",
der Kölner sagte:
"Mit meinem Dialekt feiert man Karneval!"
Nur für den Bayern war kein Dialekt übrig.
Da wurde der Bayer traurig...
Irgendwann sagte dann Gott:
" Ja mei, Bua, dann red heud a so wia i!"

NATAL CURRY CONTEST

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no Hope for you.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.

They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting From America.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer
When they saw the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this
stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit
of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing- it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No Report.

And here is an important announcement!

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that will result in what is now being called "Euro-English" being spoken after that time.

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly , this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining ''ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy bees."

A guy goes into a store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white? "

Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the heck does religion have to do with
it? "

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up"

Two terrorist women walking down a street, one turns to the other and asks

"Does my bomb look big in this"

Courtesy of Ma:

A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our
customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports
the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps
them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said:
"Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills."

Thanks sarabyrd.

The Hypnotist at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience"

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center.