Jokes

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through the services, the wife
leans over to her husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart what do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

There is something very obviously wrong with this joke...

At a senior citizens' luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman drove by to pick up the lady, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding in their boat when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to the gentleman!
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork whereby he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"
She replied,�Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown."

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

I wasn't sure whether to post this here or elsewhere (maybe Weblinks?).
Anyway, it's an 8 year old Irish Girl making great phone calls to businesses.

My favourite has to be on the second page where she tries to hire a crane to lift her dad off the couch!

Brilliant, just brilliant.

Telephone pranks

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator. While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... ''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.

''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...

... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One:
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two:
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three:
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four:
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five:
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six:
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:
Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Apparently the Pakistani cricket team are giving up the game...

They are turning their hands to Bob Slaying!!

My G/F said to me last night;
" I would love it if you would kiss me where it smells."
I said;
" Feck off, we aint driving to Grinners house tonight"

A Tiger, A Lion And A Lawyer
Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead.

Tough Mice
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

Frog's Legs
How do you eat a frog?
You put one leg behind each ear.

A Drunk Asks A Priest
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father - I was just reading here that the Pope does!"

That part of the joke could be heard in "The WIre" - McNulty's Seargant tells it to some of his crew.
I just found it funny that i had just read it here a few days before;)

2 flies in a teapot.

Which one of them is pregnant?

The one up the spout.

A Drunkard Makes A Bet
A man who had been drinking all day goes into a bar. He demands a beer and is denied. Yet he keeps asking the bartender. Finally the bartender grabs him and throws him out. Another man is walking by and the man who was thrown out stops him.
He says, "Hey, I'll bet you $100 that I'm Jesus Christ."
The man walking by laughs at him and says, "Make it $500 and you got yourself a bet."
The man claiming to be Jesus says, "Come with me into this bar and I'll prove it."
So they walk in and sit down at the bar. Suddenly the bartender comes from the back of the bar and sees the man he threw out. Angrily the bartender looks toward the man he just threw out and yells, "Jesus Christ, I told you to stay out of here!"
The man who was walking by looks amazed and pays the first man his $500.

The Bear In The Bar
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."

Free Beer If You Pass The Test
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: Free Beer! Free Beer For The Person Who Can Pass The Test! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.
Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there."
Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears stream down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Divorced and Drunk

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

The Judge

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw."
From out in the audience a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!" the judge shouted back. He turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You goddamned tightwad!" blurted the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the man starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, "If you don''t tell me the reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold you in contempt!"
"I''ve lived next to that lying bastard for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a goddamned tool when I needed to borrow one!"

Another Weekend At The Home

Willy, a mental patient, mimes driving a car as he runs around the halls of an asylum. An orderly turns the corner and asks Willy what he's doing.
Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."
The orderly chuckles and enters another patient's room and catches Bob pleasuring himself.
When asked what he is doing, Bob replies, "I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away in Chicago."

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my turn to kick you."

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

Not the kind of public restroom I'd want to use...

Here's an old one. The English/German Motoring Terms Dictionary:

• INDICATORS - Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
  
• BONNET - Pullnob und Knucklechoppen
  
• EXHAUST - Spitzenpoppenhangentuben
  
• SPEEDOMETER - Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
  
• CLUTCH - Die Kuplink mit achlippen und schaken
  
• PUNCTURE - Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
  
• LEARNER - Die Twatten mit Elplate
  
• ESTATE CAR - Der Bagzeroomfurshagginaute
  
• PARKING METER - Der tennarpinscher und Zlochenarr
  
• WINDSCREEN WIPER - Der flippenflappenmuckenschpredder
  
• POWER BRAKES - Der edbangeronvinschreen stoppenquick
  
• GEAR LEVER - Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
  
• FUEL GAUGE - Der Walletemptyung Meter
  
• BREATHALYSER - Die Puffitinter fur Pistenarsen
  
• REAR VIEW MIRROR - Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan
  
• SEAT BELT - Der klunkenklikken frauleinstrapper
  
• HEADLIGHTS - Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
  
• EXHAUST FUMES - Die Koffundschplitterpoluter
  
• HIGHWAY CODE - Der Wipen fur Arsen
  
• FOG WARNING - Die Puttenklogdownan und Fukkitt
  
• TRAFFIC JAM - Die Bluddifuckin Dammundblast
  
• REAR SEAT - Der Schpringentester
  
• TYRES - Flatfahrts
  
• BACKFIRE - Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen
  
• JUGGERNAUT - Der Fukkengratt Trukken
  
• ACCIDENT - Das Bleedinkmess
  
• NEAR ACCIDENT - Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen
  
• GARAGE - Der Hieway Robberung
  
• CYCLIST - Der Peddallpushink Pilloken
  
• SKID - Die Bannanen Waltzen
  
• DOUBLE WHITE LINES - Overtaken und Krunchen.

For people over 40 . . .

A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch Floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

Thankful He's Drunk
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absholutely shure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That'sh a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

Got Bath?
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

The Pakistan cricket team have entered for the winter olympics.They want to go Bob Sleighing.

The Pakistan cricket team, only team to go to the World Cup and come back with the Ashes

And finally, the real reason why India was thrown out of the world cup...

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the
teacher's pet,
gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was
contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a
sweet
little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going
round, and
it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean
jumps up
and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his
house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious
!!

Another one of those teacher-student jokes. Might be a repost:

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I`m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I`m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal`s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal`s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What word starts with an `F` and ends in `K` that means a lot of excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last three questions myself."

Little Johnny strikes again:

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pelleile a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Things Can Always Get Worse

• When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily, this time, it worked.
  
• Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife, “Boy, you sure have got fat in four years.â€?
  
• The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
  
• Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally taken aback somewhat when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded onto the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.
  
• An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.
  
• A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees, demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passer-by in Kuala Lumpur and tried to twist his head off. The passer-by was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.
  
• A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.
  
• In Minneapolis, USA, 28-year-old Derrick L. Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E. Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian roulette, but, having no revolver, instead put a semi-automatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semi-automatic.
  
• Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.
  
• An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the teenager told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

[attachment=48712:ironmancompen7.jpg

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

An Asian man walked into a currency exchange in NYC with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week he again walked in with 2000 yen, but only received $66. He asked the teller why he received less money than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and said,

"Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

Tarzan, King of the Elephant Trunk
Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course, Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs - the eye of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.
"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no like new wee-wee."
"Why's that?"
"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."

Night Pee
An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor.
"Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife.
"How're you feeling?" he asks.
"I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain."
The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?"
"Oh no," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

Navy Retirement
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"
The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

Attention: Aliens are coming!!! They intend to abduct all of Earth's good looking people. You will be safe. I am just posting this to say farewell.

I was abandoned as a baby in the jungle and was brought up by a pack of has-been celebrites.

Sorry to hear your life is screwed . Your life may be worse than a scary B-movie.

Man Pisses in a Shot Glass
A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to them. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender, "I'd like to make a bet with you."
The bartender replies, "Sure. I'm in a betting mood."
So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room, filling it up and not spilling a drop. The bartender says, "I'll take that bet."
The man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in. Instead, he pisses all over the place, in the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything.
After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, "You owe me $1,000." The man paid the money with a big smile on his face.
The bartender asked, "How come you're so happy?"
And the man replied, "You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it."

The Golden Toilet
A group of guys are on their way to a party, but couldn't quite remember the address to the house. "I'm sure this is the one," said the driver.
"Well, I have got to go to the bathroom so bad!" replied one of the others. "I'll go knock on the door, and check. If it's the wrong house, at least I'll get to a toilet!"

So he gets out and walks to the front door. He rings it once...No answer. He rings it again...Still no answer. So he thinks, "This is a big enough house for a big party. Maybe the party is outside, in the backyard." He walks around the house to the back, but there was no one out there either. As he aproached the back door he was suprised to find it unlocked, and opened it. There was obviously no one home, so he figured he'd just quietly run inside real quick, and use their bathroom - no one would know. Off he goes inside, but he can't find the bathroom anywhere. So he quickly ran up the stairs and searched and searched until finally, as he opened a door to a small room, he was amazed to find a golden toilet. He had never seen anything like it, but remembering that he was in a stranger's house, and that they could at anytime return home, he quickly did his business and walked out. As he got in the car he excitedly told his friends of the amazing golden toilet. They laughed in disbelief at his crazy tale as they pulled out of the driveway arguing about it. They argued the whole way to the party.

A couple of hours later, on the way home from the party. They drive past the house with the golden toilet. And the guy insists on stopping so he could prove to his friends that these people really did have a golden toilet. So they agree to check it out. They all walk up to the front door and ring the door bell. A woman answers the door. "Excuse me ma'am, but could you please let me show my friends here your golden toilet, they don't believe me!"
"So you're the guy!", the woman replies, then yells to her husband in the house, "HONEY!?!...HERE'S THE GUY THAT POOPED IN YOUR TUBA!"

Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Some may think that the following does not belong in the Jokes section but I will let the Mods move it, if they have a better place for it.

This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS
> >60 Minutes.
> >
> >Andy says:
> >
> >As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just
> >a few reasons why:
> >
> >A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,
> >"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
> >
> >If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around
> >whining about it. She does something she wants to do and it's usually
> >something more interesting.
> >
> >A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,
> what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a
> >damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
> >
> >Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at
> >the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you
> >deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get
> >away with it.
> >
> >Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what
> it's like to be unappreciated.
> >
> >Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
> >woman over 30. They always know.
> >
> >A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true
>of younger women.
> >
> >Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her
> >younger counterpart.
> >
> >Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you
> >are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where
> >you stand with her.
> >
> >Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,
> >it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+,
> >there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself
> >with some 22-year-old waitress.
> >
> >Ladies, I apologize.
> >
> >For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for
> >free". Here's an update for you:
> >
> >Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage; why? Because women realize
> >it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

Was the "V" intended when the word got created? Or just a coincidence?
And why the number of chars unequal (cleavage) on both sides of the V?

Free Sex Competition
Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

Texan Poetry
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.�
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

ESPECIALLY AS IT'S ST GEORGE'S DAY

Once upon a time in a nice forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an
orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell over. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

'' Oh, my, '' said the bunny,'' I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to
hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In
fact,
since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.''
'' It's quite OK,'' replied the snake.'' Actually, my story is much the
same as yours. I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew
my
mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out
what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.''

''Oh, that would be wonderful'', replied the bunny. So the snake
slithered
all over the bunny, and said, ''Well, you're covered with soft fur, you
have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.''

''Oh, thank you! Thank you,'' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, ''Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.'' So the bunny
felt
the snake all over, and remarked, ''Well, you're smooth and slippery,
and
you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be
French.''

Tools and their uses (apologies if this has already been posted)
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW '"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will ne

HAMMER: also used for hitting thumb-nails.

When girls don't put out!!

>This was written by a guy...

>I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

>FOR EXAMPLE:

>One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

>Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

>I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

>So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

>"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman

>enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

>She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love

>me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

>Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

>The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

>We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

>She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

>We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

>Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

>I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

>I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

>She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

>Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

>I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

>Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

>I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man

enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

>And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,

I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

>Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either... but at least

>That bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

>Alright girls. Forward this on if you agree.

Hell even if you disagree, forward it on.

>Men, forward this on this because you have balls!

Apologies if these two have been posted before.

Dr. Feelgood
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."
He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.''
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.
"Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios...''

The Bishop And The Ass
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.

There was this brummie elephant * and whilst reading a brochure in a travel agency, saw an advert for the elephants graveyard in africa. Thinking that as he was getting on a bit, it might be quite nice to be buried on his native soil, he caught the first flight there. When he got there, he settled in to his hotel. The next day, another elephant asked him, "did you come her to die", to which he replied "no I got here yesterday".

( *changed from scouse on grinners advice, thanks Mr G, see below... )

"A Scouse elephant wouldnt have answered.. just robbed him!

G"

There are two cows in a field, which one is on holiday,

The one with the wee calf.

Did you hear about the persistant raver,

He wouldnt Techno for an answer.

There are two trappist monks walking down a road.

one turns to the other and says...

Dangerous Driving
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!

Bush Goes To Hell
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Girls' Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!".
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Why doesn't a bicycle stand up on its own?

It's two tired.

-I got that one from an old bagger at the grocery store. After laughing at it he said, "it's funny, but it's not that funny."

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that

there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says, "That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real cunt when you're pissed!"

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My
favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry
nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something
in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again
vomited on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless
body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike
fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they
merely made condescending comments about what a
"good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices
tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for
the duration of the event. However, I could not hear
the noises and smell the food. I heard that my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies". I
must learn what this means, and how to use it to my
advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around
their feet as he was walking. I must try this again
tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are
flunkies and snitches. The dog recieves special
privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to
be more than willing to return. He is obviously
retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him
communicating with the guards regularly. I am
certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an
elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...