There was an old girl from Kilkenny
Whose usual charge was a penny.
For half of that sum
You could finger her bum;
T'was a source of amusement for many.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter
Said, "Pray take my daughter,
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Scotsman who lived on the loch
Had holes down the length of his cock.
He could get an erection,
And play a selection
Of Johann Sebastian Bach.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born.
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old man from Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia.
The colors were fine,
Likewise the design,
But the smell, alas, was a failure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young fellow from Trinity
Who ruined his sister's virginity.
Buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother
And took a degree in divinity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man from Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair
The bannister broke, but he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a Texan named Bush,
Who had a most cavernous tush.
He said: "For a war
I'll be your butt whore!"
Said Blair: "I'll give it a push!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young woman named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina in North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Dallas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A maid from Bexhill on Sea,
Lay with a plumber upon a setee.
Said the maid "Stop your plumbing!
There's somebody coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "Its me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There were three ladies from Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning 'em.
They lifted the frock,
And tickled the cock,
Of the Bishop who was confirming 'em.
But the Bishop himself was no fool.
He had been to a large public school.
So he shifted his britches,
And buggered the bitches
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.
Now the youngest young lady, named Lou,
Said as his Lordship withdrew,
"The Vicar is quicker,
Stronger and thicker,
And two inches longer than you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The girls who frequent picture palaces,
Care not for psycho-analysis.
They're rather annoyed
By the great doctor Freud
And cling to their long-standing phalluses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I knew a young fellow from Kings,
Who cared not for whores and such things.
His height of desire,
Was a boy from the choir,
With a butt like a jelly on springs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary had a little pig
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mary had a little Lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass,
And turned it's wool to nylon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That naughty ol' Bishop of Birmingham
Buggered three maids while confirming 'em,
As they knelt seeking God, he excited his rod,
And pumped his episcopal sperm in 'em.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A circus midget named Pitts
Was subject to passionate fits;
But his pleasure in life, was to lick his wife
While he swung, by his knees, from her tits.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old sailor from Wales,
An expert at pissing in gales;
From the top gallant spar, he'd piss in a jar,
Without even wetting the sails.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pervert named Doctor Mark
Would take anything in the dark.
Be it a bull or a vole
He would proffer his hole
And twice if it started to bark!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
That some of the eels
Had discovered a good place to hide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man named Sweeney
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
He thought this uncouth,
So he added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young lady named Randle
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
In the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mortician who practiced in Fife
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, dinna budge;
Just the same as she acted in life."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a monk in Siberia
Whose existence got steadily drearier.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done
And made her a mother superior!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young lady from Ealing,
Who protested she lacked sexual feeling,
'Til a cynic named Boris,
Licked her clitoris,
And left her legless and squealing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a sad chap from Southall
Who's prick was incredibly small.
When his girlfriend measured it
She found it was not
More than four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old man from Calcutta
Who was found lying dead in a gutter
The heat from the sun
Burned a hole in his bum
And melted his bollocks like butter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young man from Devizes,
Who's balls were two diferent sizes.
One ball was small;
It was no ball at all.
But the other had won several prizes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a young girl called Dawes
Who went to a rave without her drawers
Her mom said "Amelia
Should anyone feel ya
They'll think you're one of them whores."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When I was young and in my prime
I used to jack-off all the time
Now I'm older, got more sense
I use the knot hole in the fence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Under the spreading chestnut tree
The village idiot sat
Amusing himself by abusing himself
And catching it in his hat.
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Good limmericks except this one:
it doesn't work!
QUOTE (FuzzyTony @ Feb 21 2007, 6:54 am) 
There was a sad chap from Southall
Who's prick was incredibly small.
When his girlfriend measured it
She found it was not
More than four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck all.
Who's prick was incredibly small.
When his girlfriend measured it
She found it was not
More than four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck all.
it doesn't work!
Oh dear. Someone's about to have a bad day
Anyway, I'm having fun. And here's some more to tickle our fancies...
There once was a man from Peru
Who had a lot of growing up to do,
He'd ring a doorbell,
Then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man from York
Who picked his nose with a fork
When it got stuck
He cried "I don't give a fuck"
And walked around looking like a dork.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a farting contest coming to town
And people came from miles around
The first fart was extremely loud
The second fart pleased the crowd
The third fart, the judges cried
"He shit his pants, he's disqualified!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man from Paris
Who's nuts were made out of brass
In stormy weather
He'd clack them together
And lightning shot out of his ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old lady from Wheeling,
Who had a funny feeling
She laid on her back,
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And here's one for the Uncle:
There once was a young boy named Nick
Who by chance was always being kicked
He tried not to fight
For he was smart, kind and bright
So he learned how to run really quick.
Anyway, I'm having fun. And here's some more to tickle our fancies...
There once was a man from Peru
Who had a lot of growing up to do,
He'd ring a doorbell,
Then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man from York
Who picked his nose with a fork
When it got stuck
He cried "I don't give a fuck"
And walked around looking like a dork.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a farting contest coming to town
And people came from miles around
The first fart was extremely loud
The second fart pleased the crowd
The third fart, the judges cried
"He shit his pants, he's disqualified!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a man from Paris
Who's nuts were made out of brass
In stormy weather
He'd clack them together
And lightning shot out of his ass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old lady from Wheeling,
Who had a funny feeling
She laid on her back,
And tickled her crack
And pissed all over the ceiling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And here's one for the Uncle:
There once was a young boy named Nick
Who by chance was always being kicked
He tried not to fight
For he was smart, kind and bright
So he learned how to run really quick.
There was an old dan that was hari
Who grew plots of golds that were mari.
Some cals who were ras
Filled their kets which were bas
So she put up a cade that was barri.
Who grew plots of golds that were mari.
Some cals who were ras
Filled their kets which were bas
So she put up a cade that was barri.
She whispered "will it hurt me?"
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!
"Of course not" answered he
"It's a very simple process,
You can rely on me."
She said "I'm very frightened,
I've not had this before.
My friend has had it five times
And said it can be sore."
It was growing rather painful
Tears formed in her eyes
It was hurting quite a bit now
It must have been a size.
"Calm yourself" he whispered
"His face filled with a grin
"Try and open wider
So I can get it in."
"It's coming now" he whispered
"I know" she cried in bliss
Feeling it deep within her now
She said "I am glad I'm having this."
And with a final effort
She gave a frightened shout
He gripped it in anguish
And quickly pulled it out.
She lay back quite contended
Sighed and gave a smile
She said "I'm glad I came now
You made it worth my while."
Now if you read this carefully
The dentist you will find
Is not what you imagined
It's just your dirty mind!!
A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her,
"Do you know what I am doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
"Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."
The wonderful concept of Classes ! ! ! ! ! ! !
class spinster_female_professional
{
double styles;
short skirts ;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge ();
char non_co_operative;
};
class Married_female_Software_Professional
{
double weight;
short tempered ;
long gossips;
float hopes;
void work();
char unstable;
};
class Female_Engaged_software_professional
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding( );
char edgy ;
};
class Newly_Married_software _professional {
double dinner_invitations;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_breaks;
float talks;
void bank_balance( );
char hen_pecked;
};
class husband_wife_software_professional
{
double income ;
short temper;
long time_no_see;
float new_software_company;
void love();
};
Class Guy_who_wrote_this
{
Long time_on_bench;
Void work ();
}
class spinster_female_professional
{
double styles;
short skirts ;
long time_to_understand_problems;
float mind;
void knowledge ();
char non_co_operative;
};
class Married_female_Software_Professional
{
double weight;
short tempered ;
long gossips;
float hopes;
void work();
char unstable;
};
class Female_Engaged_software_professional
{
double time_on_phone;
short attention_on_work;
long boast;
float on_cloud_nine;
void understanding( );
char edgy ;
};
class Newly_Married_software _professional {
double dinner_invitations;
short time_at_work;
long lunch_breaks;
float talks;
void bank_balance( );
char hen_pecked;
};
class husband_wife_software_professional
{
double income ;
short temper;
long time_no_see;
float new_software_company;
void love();
};
Class Guy_who_wrote_this
{
Long time_on_bench;
Void work ();
}
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that people had learned so much that they no longer needed God. So they sent a delegation to tell God to move along.
God listened patiently before challenging the scientists to a man-making contest. "And we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
A scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down to grab a handful of dirt
God looked at him and said, "Oh, no. Get your own dirt."
God listened patiently before challenging the scientists to a man-making contest. "And we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
A scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down to grab a handful of dirt
God looked at him and said, "Oh, no. Get your own dirt."
I had this sent to me I thought it was very funny so I thought I would post it because it's "friday"
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just layed there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
And one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. On TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just layed there,
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling,
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished,
And one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball,etc. On TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
2. Phone answering machine message -
"...If you want to buy
marijuana, press
the hash key..."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers
the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
5. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
' Is it common? '
"It's not unusual."
6. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke
says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said
"Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
7. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the
world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger
Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
8. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
"Your r ound." The other one says "So are you, you
fat bast**d!"
9. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
10. "You know, somebody actually
complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
11. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane
crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
night
"...If you want to buy
marijuana, press
the hash key..."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers
the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
5. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
' Is it common? '
"It's not unusual."
6. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke
says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said
"Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
7. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the
world are Chinese. There are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of
them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my
older Brother Colin, or my younger
Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
8. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other
"Your r ound." The other one says "So are you, you
fat bast**d!"
9. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
10. "You know, somebody actually
complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
11. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane
crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the
night
Ah Kimf, gags from the late great Tommy Cooper! Brilliant.
I thought this would have been a "friday" topic husband/wife sydrome
President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy". " No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy. "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fking accident either"
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy". " No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy. "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fking accident either"
Software Development Cycle:
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...
A Woman's Hair Dryer
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"
There was a young man from China
Who thought he was a great rock climber
He slipped on a rock
Cut off his cock
And now hes got a vagina
There was an old woman from Ivor
Who got on a bus for a fiver
The bus went too fast
She slipped on her ass
And pissed all over the driver
Who thought he was a great rock climber
He slipped on a rock
Cut off his cock
And now hes got a vagina
There was an old woman from Ivor
Who got on a bus for a fiver
The bus went too fast
She slipped on her ass
And pissed all over the driver
QUOTE (BadBob @ Feb 28 2007, 6:09 pm)
Instead of wasting trillions of dollars on global warming what if we just use the money to build giant air conditioners? Modern technology is great.
What do you call a judge with no balls?
Justice Mickey.
Justice Mickey.
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES"
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE.
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE... THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.
1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT.
AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM. SEE A DOCTOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA 'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THEM MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, THEN WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE, BESIDES WE KNOW YOU WILL BRING IT UP AGAIN LATER.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO,! EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL, LEAGUE, CRICKET
OR GOLF.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;
BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.
FINALLY, THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
WE ALWAYS HEAR "THE RULES"
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE.
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE... THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS. IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.
1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT.
AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM. SEE A DOCTOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA 'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THEM MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, THEN WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE, BESIDES WE KNOW YOU WILL BRING IT UP AGAIN LATER.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO,! EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL, LEAGUE, CRICKET
OR GOLF.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;
BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.
A week at the gym
Dear Diary.
For my 50th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis
team 30 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Joe, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My
husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Joe
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Joe gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five
minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Joey
was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already
aching from holding i t in the whole time he was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Joe made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air --
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Joey's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Joe was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. His voice is a little too perk y for early in the
morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Joe put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Joe told
me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other
shit too.
THURSDAY
Joe was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as
his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Joe took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and hid in the ladies room. He sent Muffy to find me. Then,
as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that dick, Joe, more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Joe
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M-----f---ing
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY
Joe left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy.
Dear Diary.
For my 50th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis
team 30 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and
give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Joe, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My
husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Joe
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond
hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Joe gave me
a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five
minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic
outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he
conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Joey
was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was already
aching from holding i t in the whole time he was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Joe made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air --
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Joey's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Joe was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered
other club members. His voice is a little too perk y for early in the
morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Joe put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Joe told
me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other
shit too.
THURSDAY
Joe was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as
his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my
shoes. Joe took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not
looking, I ran and hid in the ladies room. He sent Muffy to find me. Then,
as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that dick, Joe, more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Joe
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M-----f---ing
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY
Joe left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I
can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that
next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a
root canal or a hysterectomy.
A boy was sitting on a park bench with one hand resting on an open Bible. He was loudly exclaiming his praise to God.
"Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."
The enlightened man laughed a little, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"
"Hallelujah! Hallelujah! God is great!" he yelled without worrying whether anyone heard him or not.
Shortly after, along came a man who had recently completed some studies at a local university. Feeling very enlightened in the ways of truth and very eager to show this enlightenment, he asked the boy about the source of his joy.
"Hey" asked the boy in return with a bright laugh, "Don't you have any idea what God is able to do? I just read that God opened up the waves of the Red Sea and led the whole nation of Israel right through the middle."
The enlightened man laughed a little, sat down next to the boy and began to try to open his eyes to the "realities" of the miracles of the Bible. "That can all be very easily explained. Modern scholarship has shown that the Red Sea in that area was only 10-inches deep at that time. It was no problem for the Israelites to wade across."
The boy was stumped. His eyes wandered from the man back to the Bible laying open in his lap. The man, content that he had enlightened a poor, naive young person to the finer points of scientific insight, turned to go. Scarcely had he taken two steps when the boy began to rejoice and praise louder than before. The man turned to ask the reason for this resumed jubilation.
"Wow!" exclaimed the boy happily, "God is greater than I thought! Not only did He lead the whole nation of Israel through the Red Sea, He topped it off by drowning the whole Egyptian army in 10 inches of water!"
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them.
"Oi! What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, God ... " Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
"Oi! What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, God ... " Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Blonde In A Boat
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The first blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!�
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The first blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!�
Taxi Driver
A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus and then drove up over the curb.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the
still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out
of
me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he hadn't
realized a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the
last 23 years..."
A passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question
and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab,
nearly hit a bus and then drove up over the curb.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the
still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out
of
me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he hadn't
realized a mere tap on the shoulder would frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault.
Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the
last 23 years..."
Under The Bed
One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.
The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.
They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.
They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."
One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.
The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.
They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.
They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."
Moose Hunters
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose a love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose a love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Speech Impediment
This guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I'm sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies.
And so, the owner shows him one. "Nithe looking horth, can I thee her mouth?"
The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nithe mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?"
The owner is becoming a tad irritable, but nonetheless, he picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes. "Okay, what about her earsth?"
Now the owner is getting really ticked off. Nevertheless, he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the horse's ears. "Okay, finally, I'd like to thee her twat."
With that, the disgruntled owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's rear end. The midget shakes his head and gasps, "Perhapth I should rephrasthe. I'd like to thee her run!"
This guy owns a horse stud farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. I'm sending him over."
The midget arrives, and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies.
And so, the owner shows him one. "Nithe looking horth, can I thee her mouth?"
The owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nithe mouth. Can I thee her eyesth?"
The owner is becoming a tad irritable, but nonetheless, he picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes. "Okay, what about her earsth?"
Now the owner is getting really ticked off. Nevertheless, he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the horse's ears. "Okay, finally, I'd like to thee her twat."
With that, the disgruntled owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's rear end. The midget shakes his head and gasps, "Perhapth I should rephrasthe. I'd like to thee her run!"
Frank Goes Bear Hunting
Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death, or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowing revenge. Frank headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we'll have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to bend over.
Frank survived, but it would take several months before he fully recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, tracked down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Frank was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death, or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over.
Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowing revenge. Frank headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we'll have rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to bend over.
Frank survived, but it would take several months before he fully recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, tracked down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a giant polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank. You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
Theres this really funny german joke: ...
American Beer is like making love in a canoe. It's fucking close to water.
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face.
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face.
This was sent to me by my cousin in Vancouver:
Vancouver Olympic Questions
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!!
Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q:It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy )
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax? England )
A: What about Dog River?
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? (England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.Can you sell it in Canada ? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent. They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking will
scare them off.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Vancouver Olympic Questions
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!!
Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q:It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy )
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax? England )
A: What about Dog River?
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada (USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ? (England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.Can you sell it in Canada ? (USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent. They roam the city streets eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. Spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking will
scare them off.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
CHINESE PROVERBS
Virginity like balloon, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways
going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth!
But next to best thing on earth. YES!
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change
clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Now send it to 10 or more people.
Nothing will happen but 10 people will be laughing
Virginity like balloon, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways
going to Bangkok
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth!
But next to best thing on earth. YES!
War does not determine who is right,
war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change
clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Now send it to 10 or more people.
Nothing will happen but 10 people will be laughing
@Allershausen: a very similar joke appeared shortly before the summer olympics in Syndey, your has simply been adapted to fit Vancouver. It was funnier then bacause of the fact that Australia, Austria and Africa all begin with "A" (I think there was also some reference to A-mer-ica.)
Here´s one that needs an answer!
When do you know if a regular TT Curry Night patron is hungry?
When do you know if a regular TT Curry Night patron is hungry?
Well?
In the case of: Doctors v. Guns
Check out these statistics:
Doctors:
( A ) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
( B ) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
© Accidental deaths per physicians 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health Human Services.
Now think about this:
Guns:
( A ) The number of gun owners in the United States is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 Million.)
( B ) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
© The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is.000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI.
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, Guns don't kill people, doctors do!
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!
NOTE: Out of concern for the public at large, we have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.
Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Due to his poor diet and deteriorating health, he suffered from very bad breath. Nevertheless he was highly respected as an important spiritual leader.
In other words, he was known as a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
In other words, he was known as a super-callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Another forward...
3 guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi, I'm Peter not a saint.
I'm Paul not a Pope.
I'm John not a Baptist.
The girl replied: Hi! I'm Mary not a Virgin.
Q: What was the cause of the break up between Prince Charles and Lady D?
A: Lady D discovers that not all rulers have 12 inches.
Virgin male on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.
MOM: Put your biggest thing on her hairiest thing.
SON: OK. I got my nose in her armpit. Now what?
MAN: Can you give me an erection?
FAITH HEALER: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can
even cure cancer, but I'm sorry I cannot raise the dead.
Q: What is the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: If the baby looks like the father, that is biology.
If he looks like the neighbour, that's sociology.
A husband was asked: Do you talk to you wife after sèx?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone
At the movie house.
GIRL: Honey, the man beside me is masturbating.
BF: Just ignore him dear.
GIRL: I can't. He's using my hand
Q: Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
3 guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi, I'm Peter not a saint.
I'm Paul not a Pope.
I'm John not a Baptist.
The girl replied: Hi! I'm Mary not a Virgin.
Q: What was the cause of the break up between Prince Charles and Lady D?
A: Lady D discovers that not all rulers have 12 inches.
Virgin male on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what to do.
MOM: Put your biggest thing on her hairiest thing.
SON: OK. I got my nose in her armpit. Now what?
MAN: Can you give me an erection?
FAITH HEALER: I can make the blind see, make the lame walk and I can
even cure cancer, but I'm sorry I cannot raise the dead.
Q: What is the difference between Biology and Sociology?
A: If the baby looks like the father, that is biology.
If he looks like the neighbour, that's sociology.
A husband was asked: Do you talk to you wife after sèx?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone
At the movie house.
GIRL: Honey, the man beside me is masturbating.
BF: Just ignore him dear.
GIRL: I can't. He's using my hand
Q: Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?
A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asks what they are doing.
Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was 6.328 metres.
She then walked off.
Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
A blonde walks by and asks what they are doing.
Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was 6.328 metres.
She then walked off.
Mick: "Ain't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
Dear All
Although employment law is a real minefield and can be difficult to
follow, sometimes you come across a case that engages your interest...
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Although employment law is a real minefield and can be difficult to
follow, sometimes you come across a case that engages your interest...
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"
I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
A man says to a salesman,"I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or windbreaker."
The salesman says,"Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat or break wind?"
The salesman says,"Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat or break wind?"
Sex in the Dark...
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while
they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she
turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while
they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she
turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a
battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and
larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of
these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll
explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Going shopping has become quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two good-looking young women come over to your car as you are packing your shopping bags. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy shirts.
When you thank them and offer them money, they say "No" and instead they ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen February 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 27th. Also March 2nd, twice on the 3rd, 8th, 11th, three times yesterday and very likely again this weekend.
Here's how the scam works: Two good-looking young women come over to your car as you are packing your shopping bags. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and cleaner, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy shirts.
When you thank them and offer them money, they say "No" and instead they ask you for a ride to another store. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen February 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 27th. Also March 2nd, twice on the 3rd, 8th, 11th, three times yesterday and very likely again this weekend.
Stutter
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says,
"DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stut-stuttterrrering for Ye-yeears, and
IIII'm tired of it. Ca-ca-caan yoooou hellllp me?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going
on."
So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the
problem is."
The guy asks, "We-we-well wwwhat is it, dddoc?
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot
long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal
cords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhaat ca-can we dddo?"
The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter
one."
The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!"
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back
into the doctor's office and says,
"Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but
I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't
like it anymore. She liked it better with my long one. I don't
care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back
on."
The doctor says, "NNNNope a ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says,
"DDDDDoc, I've bbbeen stut-stuttterrrering for Ye-yeears, and
IIII'm tired of it. Ca-ca-caan yoooou hellllp me?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going
on."
So he examines him, and says, "Well I think I know what the
problem is."
The guy asks, "We-we-well wwwhat is it, dddoc?
The doctor replies, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot
long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal
cords."
The guy asks, "Wwwhaat ca-can we dddo?"
The doctor says, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter
one."
The guy replies, "DDDDDoooo it!"
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back
into the doctor's office and says,
"Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but
I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't
like it anymore. She liked it better with my long one. I don't
care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back
on."
The doctor says, "NNNNope a ddddeal's aaa dddddeal!!!
The war cant get any better...
• Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it
• Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
• How Dogs and Women are alike?
Neither believe that silence is golden, neither can balance a checkbook, and Both put too much value on kissing
• The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it: Everything and the book is titled: "What Woman Want!"
• A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND
• Galfriends r like chocolates, taste gud anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice
• Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
• Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
• There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thruogh hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
• Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
• Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
• Lady 2 her maid: Oh Kanta, I hv reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
Kanta : I don't believe it! U r just saying that 2 make me jealous!"
Ultimate...
• Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage), what u njoy is not permanent(galfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)
And the best one!
• What men want:
A woman who can cook,
a woman who earns good money,
a woman who loves him &
a system to make sure that those 3 women never meet each other!
• Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it
• Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
• How Dogs and Women are alike?
Neither believe that silence is golden, neither can balance a checkbook, and Both put too much value on kissing
• The world's thinnest book has only one word written in it: Everything and the book is titled: "What Woman Want!"
• A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND
• Galfriends r like chocolates, taste gud anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice
• Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
• Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
• There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thruogh hell for her. They got married and now he is going thru hell.
• Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
• Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
• Lady 2 her maid: Oh Kanta, I hv reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
Kanta : I don't believe it! U r just saying that 2 make me jealous!"
Ultimate...
• Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(luv), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage), what u njoy is not permanent(galfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)
And the best one!
• What men want:
A woman who can cook,
a woman who earns good money,
a woman who loves him &
a system to make sure that those 3 women never meet each other!
A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says, "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"
The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little elly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me."
I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol".
The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.
The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little elly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were going to look after me."
I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f***ing menthol".
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. An Italian police officer stops them and says, "Itsa illegala to putta five-a people in a Quattro !"
"Vot do you mean, it's illegal ?" the German drivers asks.
"Quattro means four!" the policeman answers.
"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the German shouts ...
"Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people !"
"You canta pulla thata one on me ! " says the Italian policeman. "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your carre and you are therefore
breakinge the lawe!"
The German driver gets mad and shouts "You ideeiot ! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zum vun viz more intelligence!!!"
"Sorry" the Italian says, "He cantta comea. He'sa buzy with a two guys in a Fiat Uno."
"Vot do you mean, it's illegal ?" the German drivers asks.
"Quattro means four!" the policeman answers.
"Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the German shouts ...
"Look at ze dam paperz: Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people !"
"You canta pulla thata one on me ! " says the Italian policeman. "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your carre and you are therefore
breakinge the lawe!"
The German driver gets mad and shouts "You ideeiot ! Call ze zupervizor over! Schnell! I vant to spik to zum vun viz more intelligence!!!"
"Sorry" the Italian says, "He cantta comea. He'sa buzy with a two guys in a Fiat Uno."
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