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Jokes
No chat, just jokes
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BAPTIZING AN IRISH DRUNK
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are
you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus. "The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus. "By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are
you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus. "The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No,oi I haven't found Jesus. "By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure dis is where he fell in?"
"Doc," says Arthur, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his IV stand.
Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well", said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that I would like to be Circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror...
"Shit, THAT'S THE WORD!!!"
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done", replies Arthur.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that doc and you're not going to change my mind; either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "but its against my better judgment!"
So Arthur has his operations and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his IV stand.
Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there", says Arthur. "It looks like you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well", said the patient. "I finally decided after 37 years that I would like to be Circumcised."
Arthur stared at him in horror...
"Shit, THAT'S THE WORD!!!"
Anyone for a bike ?
A guy is not getting along with his wife. He thinks maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. He notices that it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,
"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. "
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 -- just make an offer."
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day he comes home from work and the parrot says,
"pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."
"What?" says the guy. "What?"
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down ..."
The parrot pauses for a long time.
"Then what... what happened next... WHAT HAPPENED?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot, "that's when I fell off my perch."
"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot."
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird. "
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20 -- just make an offer."
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day he comes home from work and the parrot says,
"pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman..."
"What?" says the guy. "What?"
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says, "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down ..."
The parrot pauses for a long time.
"Then what... what happened next... WHAT HAPPENED?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the Parrot, "that's when I fell off my perch."
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?", asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?", asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Larry and Mike are out jogging with their dogs and decide to stop at a pub for a beer. But a sign on the doors says, "No dogs allowed". A bit flummoxed, Larry gets a bright idea and says to Mike, "Hey, just follow my lead." Larry puts on his sunglasses and walks in the bar with the dog.
The bartender says, "Hey partner, no dogs allowed." Larry says, "But he's my seeing eye dog." Bartender says, "Okay, no problem" and serves up a nice cold one for Larry.
Mike walks in next. Again the bartender goes through his no-dogs spiel. Mike says, "Hey, but he's my seeing eye dog." The bartender looks incredulously at the dog and says, "I've never seen a seeing-eye Chihuahua before."
Mike says, "...
Shit, that's what they gave me?"
The bartender says, "Hey partner, no dogs allowed." Larry says, "But he's my seeing eye dog." Bartender says, "Okay, no problem" and serves up a nice cold one for Larry.
Mike walks in next. Again the bartender goes through his no-dogs spiel. Mike says, "Hey, but he's my seeing eye dog." The bartender looks incredulously at the dog and says, "I've never seen a seeing-eye Chihuahua before."
Mike says, "...
Shit, that's what they gave me?"
My kind of DIET!!
I Love this DOCTOR!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing mo re than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
I Love this DOCTOR!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing mo re than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood. He parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.
"GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he'd got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me," he said as he flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" all the other bats screamed in a frenzy.
"GOOD," shouted the bat, "BECAUSE I FUCKING DIDN'T.
Desmond and Peter... Two young lads with slight disabillities walking home from school...
"DDDDes", said Peter... "I ffffound a cccure for yyyour ppproblem!" "I knnnnnnow how to mmmmake your shshshshshort leg apppppear the same lllllength as your llllllllong one...!"
"Oh Really" said Des...
"Yyyyes"... "wwwwwhen wwwwe wwwalk to school, if wwwwwe wwalk on the right ffffootpath, and you wwwwalk wwwwith wwwwwwone lllleg in the ggggutter and wwwwe wwwwwalk home on the other ppppppavement on the wwwway hhhhome, you wwwwill apppppear tttto wwwalk normally!"
So Des does this for weeks and weeks on end...
Anyway, one day Peter calls for Des and his mom tells him that Des is in hospital... So off he trundles to see his best mate..
Hi DDDes... Wwwwhat Hhhhappened?
Well Peter, I was wandering to the shop, one leg in the gutter one one the pavement as usual, to get my mum a pint of milk... when low and behold I got hit by a bus!
"Shhhhit"... was the reply.
After about 5 minutes of awkward silence Des Pipes up...
"Peter, whilst I have been laying here, I have had lots of time to think... and I have found a cure for that fucking anoying speach impediment of yours!"
Ggggreat... Wwwhats that then?"
To which Peter replies...
"Keep yer fucking gob shut!"
"DDDDes", said Peter... "I ffffound a cccure for yyyour ppproblem!" "I knnnnnnow how to mmmmake your shshshshshort leg apppppear the same lllllength as your llllllllong one...!"
"Oh Really" said Des...
"Yyyyes"... "wwwwwhen wwwwe wwwalk to school, if wwwwwe wwalk on the right ffffootpath, and you wwwwalk wwwwith wwwwwwone lllleg in the ggggutter and wwwwe wwwwwalk home on the other ppppppavement on the wwwway hhhhome, you wwwwill apppppear tttto wwwalk normally!"
So Des does this for weeks and weeks on end...
Anyway, one day Peter calls for Des and his mom tells him that Des is in hospital... So off he trundles to see his best mate..
Hi DDDes... Wwwwhat Hhhhappened?
Well Peter, I was wandering to the shop, one leg in the gutter one one the pavement as usual, to get my mum a pint of milk... when low and behold I got hit by a bus!
"Shhhhit"... was the reply.
After about 5 minutes of awkward silence Des Pipes up...
"Peter, whilst I have been laying here, I have had lots of time to think... and I have found a cure for that fucking anoying speach impediment of yours!"
Ggggreat... Wwwhats that then?"
To which Peter replies...
"Keep yer fucking gob shut!"
How to please your I.T. department:
- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
- Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
- When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screensaver passwords.
- When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't want to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
- When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
- When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
- Send urgent e-mail in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
- When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
- When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
- When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
- When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?". That motivates us.
- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
- When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
- Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
- Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
Promotion letter:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
- Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
- hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
- wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
- thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
- finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
- measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
- breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
- vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
- knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
- classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
- dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
- promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
- executed as soon as possible.
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Blonde Cooking
Sometimes being blonde isn't easy, especially if you're cooking...
Monday
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said to put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must've been something wrong with that recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Sunday
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger much to my disappointment.
Good Night Diary
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a Chocolate Moose.
Sometimes being blonde isn't easy, especially if you're cooking...
Monday
It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tuesday
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.
Wednesday
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Thursday
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
Friday
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said to put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must've been something wrong with that recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Saturday
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
Sunday
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger much to my disappointment.
Good Night Diary
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a Chocolate Moose.
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked pretty terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache...and he came down by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off", wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardesses' lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on a toilet seat, and when an Air Florida hostess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, whom should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar before the other flea could say a word, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardesses' lounge and waited 'til a really cute one came in, made a perfect landing, and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off."
"And so?", asked the flea.
"And so the next thing I know I'm on some guy's mustache..."
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked pretty terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache...and he came down by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off", wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardesses' lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on a toilet seat, and when an Air Florida hostess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, whom should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar before the other flea could say a word, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardesses' lounge and waited 'til a really cute one came in, made a perfect landing, and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off."
"And so?", asked the flea.
"And so the next thing I know I'm on some guy's mustache..."
Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and was so astonished when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with a stretcher.
"But doctor", he protested, "I feel fine."
"Well, this is a puzzler", conceded the doctor, who proceeded to the enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. "Looks good, feels good...No, you look like hell. Looks good, feels terrible. Nah, you feel fine, right?". Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said "Looks terrible, feels terrible...Nope, that won't do it either."
Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific...Aha! You're a vagina!".
"But doctor", he protested, "I feel fine."
"Well, this is a puzzler", conceded the doctor, who proceeded to the enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. "Looks good, feels good...No, you look like hell. Looks good, feels terrible. Nah, you feel fine, right?". Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said "Looks terrible, feels terrible...Nope, that won't do it either."
Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific...Aha! You're a vagina!".
The routine practice of circumcision was part of a certain doctor's job, and he found himself reluctant to throw the foreskins away after the operations. So he saved them all up in a jar of formaldehyde. Many years went by, the time came for the doctor to retire from practice, and when cleaning out his office he came across the jar which contained by this time hundreds of foreskins. It seemed a pity to throw them out after all this time, so, certain that they could be put to some use, he took them to the tailor around the corner and asked that he make something from them.
"No problem", said the tailor. "Come back in a week."
A week later the tailor proudly presented the doctor with a wallet.
"Now wait just a minute!" protested the doctor. "There were literally hundreds of foreskins in that jar, and all I've got to show for it is a measley wallet!"
"Relax", said the tailor. "You rub it for a while and then it turns into a briefcase."
"No problem", said the tailor. "Come back in a week."
A week later the tailor proudly presented the doctor with a wallet.
"Now wait just a minute!" protested the doctor. "There were literally hundreds of foreskins in that jar, and all I've got to show for it is a measley wallet!"
"Relax", said the tailor. "You rub it for a while and then it turns into a briefcase."
I just heard that Richard Branson wants to sponsor the England cricket team.
The Lords Committee has refused, saying "We can't have Virgin written on our shirts when we're getting f***** every time we play"
The Lords Committee has refused, saying "We can't have Virgin written on our shirts when we're getting f***** every time we play"
A young lad and his mother were walking down the street one day when suddenly the boy yelled out excitedly,
"Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother immediately hushed him explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.
The next day the same thing happened,
"Look mother, there's that bowlegged man!"
The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying,
"When we get home you'll be punished for this outburst."
When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare,
"Go to you room and read this book. You can't come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment."
Two days later they are walking down the same street when the boy again spots the person he had been making fun of:
"Hark! What manner of men are these,
Who weareth their legs in parentheses?"
"Mother, Mother, Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother immediately hushed him explaining it was not polite to make fun of bowlegged people.
The next day the same thing happened,
"Look mother, there's that bowlegged man!"
The mother grabbed the lad by the arm saying,
"When we get home you'll be punished for this outburst."
When they got home, she gave her son a work by Shakespeare,
"Go to you room and read this book. You can't come out until you have finished it. Maybe you will learn something from this punishment."
Two days later they are walking down the same street when the boy again spots the person he had been making fun of:
"Hark! What manner of men are these,
Who weareth their legs in parentheses?"
Ireland Declares War On France
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour, Seamus, and the
entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased
my army to150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns
in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My
military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin',
Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour, Seamus, and the
entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back.
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased
my army to150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns
in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My
military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin',
Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.� The first man said.“You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,�
The agent replies, “Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can't kill my wife.� The agent replies, “You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.�
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.�
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.� The first man said.“You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife,�
The agent replies, “Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can't kill my wife.� The agent replies, “You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.�
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.�
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,� said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?� he asks.
“Well,� his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.�
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?�
“Not yet,� said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?� he asks.
“Well,� his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.�
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?�
Dead Duck:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!
WELL !
"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.00.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!
WELL !
"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150.00.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What, said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well,
Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "Well, You're a lawyer and this time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"Well,
Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "Well, You're a lawyer and this time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Did you hear the one about the joke with no punchline?
The Hypnotist at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying
watch, until, suddenly,it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying
watch, until, suddenly,it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
Something to make you smile...
> ________________________________
>
> Wee Girl & Brickies.
>
> This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and
> a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to
>
> believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
> race.
>
> A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building. One
> day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start
> building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old
>
> daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on
> next-door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and
> eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted
> the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
>
> They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and
> lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
> her feel important. They even gave her very own Hard Hat and gloves.
> At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
> containing two pounds in 10p coins.
>
> The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that
> they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to Start
> a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled
> pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work'
> on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must
> have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier.
>
> The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men
> building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier,
>
> "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The
> little
>
> Girl thought for a moment and said.
>
> "I think so. Provided those c**ts at Jewson deliver the f**king
> bricks."
>
> ________________________________
>
> Wee Girl & Brickies.
>
> This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and
> a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and makes you want to
>
> believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human
> race.
>
> A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant building. One
> day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start
> building a house on the empty plot. The young family's 5-year-old
>
> daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on
> next-door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and
> eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted
> the little girl as a sort of project mascot.
>
> They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and
> lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make
> her feel important. They even gave her very own Hard Hat and gloves.
> At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope
> containing two pounds in 10p coins.
>
> The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that
> they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to Start
> a savings account. When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled
> pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work'
> on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must
> have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier.
>
> The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men
> building a big house." "My goodness gracious," said the cashier,
>
> "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well?" The
> little
>
> Girl thought for a moment and said.
>
> "I think so. Provided those c**ts at Jewson deliver the f**king
> bricks."
>
How thoughtful of me...
got the Missus a new bag and belt for valentines day...
...the hoover works a treat now...
got the Missus a new bag and belt for valentines day...
...the hoover works a treat now...
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight", he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it---only to find a book entitled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
"You'll know tonight", he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it---only to find a book entitled 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
Answering Machine at the Mental Hospital.
Hello, and welcome to Dane County mental health hospital.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0.
If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
Hello, and welcome to Dane County mental health hospital.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0.
If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
At Microsoft Restaurant...
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support . What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day: $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day: $2.50
Access to Support: $1.00
TOTAL: $8.50 + Tax
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support . What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem;how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Waiter leaves.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day: $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day: $2.50
Access to Support: $1.00
TOTAL: $8.50 + Tax
Good. I like that one.
Here's one:
At a computer expo Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: " Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but...
Here's one:
At a computer expo Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: " Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but...
- Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
- You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "CarXP" or "CarVista". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
- Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
- The Apple car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
- The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
- The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
- If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Still a Virgin
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."
A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.
"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage."
"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day."
"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."
Software Husband
Husband (returning late from work): "Good evening dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife: "Have you brought the groceries?"
Husband: "Bad command or filename."
Wife: "But I told you in the morning!"
Husband: "Erroneous syntax. Abort?"
Wife: "What about my new blouse?"
Husband: "Variable not found."
Wife: "At least, give me your credit card, I want to do some shopping."
Husband: "Sharing Violation. Access denied."
Wife: "Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?"
Husband: "Too many parameters."
Wife: "It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you."
Husband: "Data type mismatch."
Wife: "You are useless."
Husband: "It's by default."
Wife: "What about your salary?"
Husband: "File in use..."
Wife: "What is my value in the family?"
Husband: "Unknown virus."
Wife: "By the way, who was the girl with you today?"
Husband: "System Halted. Press Ctrl+Alt+Delete to reboot..."
Husband (returning late from work): "Good evening dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife: "Have you brought the groceries?"
Husband: "Bad command or filename."
Wife: "But I told you in the morning!"
Husband: "Erroneous syntax. Abort?"
Wife: "What about my new blouse?"
Husband: "Variable not found."
Wife: "At least, give me your credit card, I want to do some shopping."
Husband: "Sharing Violation. Access denied."
Wife: "Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?"
Husband: "Too many parameters."
Wife: "It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you."
Husband: "Data type mismatch."
Wife: "You are useless."
Husband: "It's by default."
Wife: "What about your salary?"
Husband: "File in use..."
Wife: "What is my value in the family?"
Husband: "Unknown virus."
Wife: "By the way, who was the girl with you today?"
Husband: "System Halted. Press Ctrl+Alt+Delete to reboot..."
Spam I Am
"My name is Spam.
Spam I Am.
I have some stuff I'd like to sell.
Take a look! It's really swell!"
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.
Spam I Am:
"$500 software that really rocks!
Just 20 bucks--still in the box!"
You are really full of bunk.
I do not want your bootleg junk!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.
Spam I Am:
"How about some fast cash?
Fifty thousand in a flash!"
How stupid do you think I am?
I won't join your shady scam.
You are a sucker, you silly gitch.
If it worked, we'd all be rich!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.
Spam I Am:
"Check out this great idea of mine!
For Web Hosting and Design!"
I went to your site; it really sucks!
For this you're charging lots of bucks?
You could at least learn to spell.
Why don't you just go to hell.
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.
Don't pretend your ads are new.
You insult us when you do.
I won't buy your worthless stocks.
Our heads are not full of rocks
Stop it Spam. Enough's enough.
I do not want your trashy stuff!
I do not want your damn spam!
I do not want it Spam I Am!
[Apologies to Theodor Seuss Geisel]
"My name is Spam.
Spam I Am.
I have some stuff I'd like to sell.
Take a look! It's really swell!"
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it, Spam I Am.
Spam I Am:
"$500 software that really rocks!
Just 20 bucks--still in the box!"
You are really full of bunk.
I do not want your bootleg junk!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.
Spam I Am:
"How about some fast cash?
Fifty thousand in a flash!"
How stupid do you think I am?
I won't join your shady scam.
You are a sucker, you silly gitch.
If it worked, we'd all be rich!
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.
Spam I Am:
"Check out this great idea of mine!
For Web Hosting and Design!"
I went to your site; it really sucks!
For this you're charging lots of bucks?
You could at least learn to spell.
Why don't you just go to hell.
I do not want your worthless spam.
I do not want it Spam I Am.
Don't pretend your ads are new.
You insult us when you do.
I won't buy your worthless stocks.
Our heads are not full of rocks
Stop it Spam. Enough's enough.
I do not want your trashy stuff!
I do not want your damn spam!
I do not want it Spam I Am!
[Apologies to Theodor Seuss Geisel]
The Lonely Husband
So here I sit, in all my glory,
Lend me an ear, and I'll tell ya a story.
Once had a wife, she was such a dear,
Then came the Internet, and it all disappeared!
Now there she sits, for hours on end...
I don't care where I'm goin', don't care where I've been.
It could be two, or it could be nine.
She really doesn't care, long as she's online.
She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in screaming at me, "Get off the phone!"
Where the hell's my hug? Where is my kiss?
But she's at the computer, that's all she missed!
Talking to buddies, checking the mail
All her priorities, I'm in cyber Hell!
My stomach's growling, it's so unfair!
No clean dishes and I'm out of underwear!
Drink me a beer, stare at the walls,
I'll pick at my teeth while I'm scratching my balls.
Farting and burping all while I pee.
Can you believe she's there? She could be with ME!
So here I sit, in all my glory,
Lend me an ear, and I'll tell ya a story.
Once had a wife, she was such a dear,
Then came the Internet, and it all disappeared!
Now there she sits, for hours on end...
I don't care where I'm goin', don't care where I've been.
It could be two, or it could be nine.
She really doesn't care, long as she's online.
She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in screaming at me, "Get off the phone!"
Where the hell's my hug? Where is my kiss?
But she's at the computer, that's all she missed!
Talking to buddies, checking the mail
All her priorities, I'm in cyber Hell!
My stomach's growling, it's so unfair!
No clean dishes and I'm out of underwear!
Drink me a beer, stare at the walls,
I'll pick at my teeth while I'm scratching my balls.
Farting and burping all while I pee.
Can you believe she's there? She could be with ME!
The Online Addiction Poem
You just awake, your eyes are still shut
Still can't quite focus, still draggin' your butt
You know you need coffee, can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker and put the mug to your lip
The feeling is warm, just what you need
But you know you need more and it's something to read
The paper you say? No, don't think so. Not it...
It's much more exciting, you can't wait to "click"...
You boot up your 'puter, you click that icon...
Can't keep from grinning, you're really turned on!
When the voice says "Welcome", your heart skips a beat!
You know you're addicted...all the friends that you'll meet.
And then you see it, you wait with a stare
The mail box lights up! "You've got mail" waiting there!
Oh, what a feeling! You look with delight!
You hoped you'd have mail and you knew you were right!!
So you go thru the mail knowing this is the "Best"
Reading this reading that...as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the Delete key, others get your first click
You know you must hurry, you gotta be quick!
It is then that you hear it, you can't wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter, who's name will it be?
And then there it is, covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound...Oh, you know what that means!
"Quick mail check" you promised, you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM and you're pressing for time!
You know that you want to and respond you will
So you stop what you're doing and go for the thrill!
You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and hugs
You type and send words, refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check turns to hours online!
You just awake, your eyes are still shut
Still can't quite focus, still draggin' your butt
You know you need coffee, can taste that first sip
You wait for the maker and put the mug to your lip
The feeling is warm, just what you need
But you know you need more and it's something to read
The paper you say? No, don't think so. Not it...
It's much more exciting, you can't wait to "click"...
You boot up your 'puter, you click that icon...
Can't keep from grinning, you're really turned on!
When the voice says "Welcome", your heart skips a beat!
You know you're addicted...all the friends that you'll meet.
And then you see it, you wait with a stare
The mail box lights up! "You've got mail" waiting there!
Oh, what a feeling! You look with delight!
You hoped you'd have mail and you knew you were right!!
So you go thru the mail knowing this is the "Best"
Reading this reading that...as you go thru the rest.
Some you give the Delete key, others get your first click
You know you must hurry, you gotta be quick!
It is then that you hear it, you can't wait to see
Your heart gets a flutter, who's name will it be?
And then there it is, covering part of the screen
The sweet little sound...Oh, you know what that means!
"Quick mail check" you promised, you said in your mind.
But you just got an IM and you're pressing for time!
You know that you want to and respond you will
So you stop what you're doing and go for the thrill!
You "LOL" and "BRB", give kisses and hugs
You type and send words, refilling your mug
You give your good friend your attention and time
So that quick little mail check turns to hours online!
Kelly limps into his favorite pub...
"My god! What happened to you?", the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley," whispered Kelly to the beertender.
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
"My god! What happened to you?", the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley," whispered Kelly to the beertender.
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat. He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat". They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.
Next it was the ostrich's round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told the man and ostrich to "Fuck off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".
The beertender was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".
The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".
"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.
"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"
Next it was the ostrich's round. He walked up to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat". He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.
When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told the man and ostrich to "Fuck off!"
So the man went back to the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat".
The beertender was curious about this and said "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?".
The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish".
"What did you wish for?" said the Barman.
"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then", says the guy, "you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says: "I WIN! Told you it'll be there before your dog!"
The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?"
"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.
"Okay then", says the guy, "you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says: "I WIN! Told you it'll be there before your dog!"
Little Johnny
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: "What did you bring?"
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice, Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny."
"Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa! What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: "What did you bring?"
"I brought a Walkman."
"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"
"That's nice, Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny."
"Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."
"Whoa! What did your father say about you bringing this?"
"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"
The Angry Preacher
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian community!"
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian community!"
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying.
The other asks what's wrong. The crying drunk says, "I've puked all over myself again and my wife's gonna kill me. What do I do, pal?"
The first drunk offers this advice: "Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea," says the crying drunk.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, "Look, for you there's ten bucks in my pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you," says the wife.
"He did," says the drunk, "but he shit in my pants too!"
The other asks what's wrong. The crying drunk says, "I've puked all over myself again and my wife's gonna kill me. What do I do, pal?"
The first drunk offers this advice: "Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten bucks to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea," says the crying drunk.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.
The drunk starts spinning the lie and says, "Look, for you there's ten bucks in my pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars. "Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten bucks for puking on you," says the wife.
"He did," says the drunk, "but he shit in my pants too!"
Sharing
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"
The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."
What fire?
Airline Cabin Announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants try to make the in-flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
All too rarely, airline attendants try to make the in-flight safety lecture and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
- On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
- On a Continental flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
- On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
- "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
- "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
- As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
- After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight a announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
- From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
- "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
- "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
- "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
- "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
- From a pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
- Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline’s fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt."
- Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
- Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
- An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with,� Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
- Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
- A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she shouted.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!" she shouted again.
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"
The Scottish Accountant
Once there was a Scottish accountant. The business had been in the family for generations and generations. Over time, with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the office, the marble step in front of the building had developed a big, deep dip in it from all the wear and tear. His friends kept telling the accountant that he had better get it replaced, otherwise he'd be sued for everything he had if anyone ever slipped and fell.
Reluctantly, the accountant called a stonemason to get a quote for the repairs. When the stonemason got there the accountant demanded a price for a new step.
"Aye, big job that", said the stonemason, "But I suppose I could give you a new step for a hundred pounds."
The accountant was stunned. "Are you daft, man? I canna pay you a hundred pounds!"
Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stonemason and asked: "What would you charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground and I'd get a new square step?"
The stonemason hesitated. "20 pounds".
"Do it!" demanded the accountant, "and call me when you're done."
The accountant went back inside to his books, but after only 15 minutes the stonemason rang the doorbell.
As the accountant opened the door he saw the stonemason standing in a hole with the step, laughing as he said "Your great-great-great granddaddy thought of that a hundred and fifty years ago!"
Once there was a Scottish accountant. The business had been in the family for generations and generations. Over time, with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the office, the marble step in front of the building had developed a big, deep dip in it from all the wear and tear. His friends kept telling the accountant that he had better get it replaced, otherwise he'd be sued for everything he had if anyone ever slipped and fell.
Reluctantly, the accountant called a stonemason to get a quote for the repairs. When the stonemason got there the accountant demanded a price for a new step.
"Aye, big job that", said the stonemason, "But I suppose I could give you a new step for a hundred pounds."
The accountant was stunned. "Are you daft, man? I canna pay you a hundred pounds!"
Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stonemason and asked: "What would you charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground and I'd get a new square step?"
The stonemason hesitated. "20 pounds".
"Do it!" demanded the accountant, "and call me when you're done."
The accountant went back inside to his books, but after only 15 minutes the stonemason rang the doorbell.
As the accountant opened the door he saw the stonemason standing in a hole with the step, laughing as he said "Your great-great-great granddaddy thought of that a hundred and fifty years ago!"
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