Jokes

Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest son:

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Gander family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days, and the second time for four days.
Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit. She put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut the buttons off and put them in the pockets.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your favorite Aunt,
Mom.

Actual Letters to the Landlord
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burned my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared
it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas
cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are
entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the
world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman
year, '...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, ' and
take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having
relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

Mechanical Problems & Solutions from Qantas Airlines

After every flight pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that needs repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then repond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot then reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews & engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. (Note: Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a major accident.)

[P = the problem logged by the pilot; S = the solution and action taken by the maintenance crew]

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared to her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M & Ms," said the blonde nun. "They're so hard to peel.'

An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid, takes his order and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is traveling the world, and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound (and it was fantastic the night before), so she agrees. This goes on for five nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I," she says. "What suburb in Melbourne?".
"Glen Iris," he said.
"That's amazing," she says, "So am I. What street?".
"Cameo Street," he says.
"This is unbelievable," she says. "What number?".
He says "Number 20," and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this," she says, "I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!".
"I know," he says. "Your father gave me $1,000 to give to you."

Actual Writings on Charts in Hospitals
The following are actual notes on hospital charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: Somewhat pale; but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Being Creative With Troublesome Kin
You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-grandfather, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:
"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we write the text:
"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assests and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
Beginning in 1885 he devoted several years of his life to services at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887 he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong

Eye halve run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-- Sauce unknown

Three Irishmen stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.
Judge: "What were you doing?"
1st man: "Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond."
Judge: "And what were you doing?"
2nd man: "I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too."
Judge: "Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well?"
3rd man: "No, sir. I AM peanuts!".

[Apologies if this one has been posted before.]
This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his winemaking. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

A few days after Christmas a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train set. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons-of-bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is your last stop! All of you sons-of-bitches that are getting on, get your asses on the train 'cause we're leaving!".
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out you can play with your model train, but I don't want to hear any bad language."
Two hours later the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and she became angry.
Mom: "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour. Put that ice cream away and go play."
Son: "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom: "I'll play with you. What do you wanna play?"
Son: "Let's play mommy and daddy. You go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said okay and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom: "Now what do I do?"
Son: "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream!"

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!". So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas, and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the very end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck a year ago. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport?", he asked the driver.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me sexual favors on the way?".
"What?! Get the hell outta my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?".
The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "Okay," and off they went.
As they slowly drove past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and the thumbs up sign to each driver.

This is to let you know that Jesus was multiracial:

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was
sure he was God.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
and finally...

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He loved Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

A Kentuckian and a Texan were talking in a Dallas bar.
The Texan said, "So how do you like it here?"
The Kentuckian replied, "Texas is a grand state, but not as grand as Kentucky.
Did you know that we have so much gold in Fort Knox that we could build a
3-foot high fence of gold bars all around the border of Texas?"
The Texan looked thoughtful for a moment and said,
"Well...ya'll go ahead and build that fence, and if we like it, we'll buy it."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer", says the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?".
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says: "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "how did you know?".
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success, and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

One of my favorite comedians is George W. Bush.

Bushisms from 2006:
"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006.
"The only way we can win is to leave before the job is done." - George W. Bush, Greeley, Colo., Nov. 4, 2006.
"... One of the things I've used on the Google is to pull up maps. It's very interesting to see - I've forgot the name of the program - but you get the satellite, and you can - like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It remind me of where I wanna be sometimes." - interview with CNBC's Maria Bartiromo, Oct. 24, 2006.
"This morning my administration released the budget numbers for fiscal 2006. These budget numbers are not just estimates; these are the actual results for the fiscal year that ended February the 30th." - George W. Bush, on the fiscal year that ended on Sept. 30, Washington, D.C., Oct. 11, 2006.
"I'll be glad to talk about ranching, but I haven't seen the movie. I've heard about it. I hope you go - you know - I hope you go back to the ranch and the farm is what I'm about to say." - George W. Bush, after being asked whether he's seen Brokeback Mountain, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006.
"And so I'm for medical liability at the federal level." - George W. Bush, on medical liability reform, Washington, D.C., March 10, 2006.
"If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate." - George W. Bush, Washington D.C., March 21, 2006.
"No question that the enemy has tried to spread sectarian violence. They use violence as a tool to do that." - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., March 22, 2006.
"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C. April 18, 2006.
"I aim to be a competitive nation." - George W. Bush, San Jose, Calif., April 21, 2006.
"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel." - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2006.
"That's called, A Charge To Keep, based upon a religious hymn. The hymn talks about serving God. The president's job is never to promote a religion." - George W. Bush, showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006.
"The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany." - George W. Bush, D.C., May 5, 2006.
"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three - three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?" - George W. Bush, while showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006.
"If people want to get to know me better, they've got to know my parents and the values my parents instilled in me, and the fact that I was raised in West Texas, in the middle of the desert, a long way away from anywhere, hardly. There's a certain set of values you learn in that experience." - George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 5, 2006.

President Bush: "Peter. Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
Peter Wallsten of the Los Angeles Times: "I can take them off."
Bush: "I'm interested in the shade look, seriously."
Wallsten: "All right, I'll keep it, then."
Bush: "For the viewers, there's no sun."
Wallsten: "I guess it depends on your perspective."
Bush: "Touche.
- an exchange with legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten, to whom Bush later apologized, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006.

"I think - tide turning - see, as I remember - I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of - it's easy to see a tide turn - did I say those words?" - George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006.
"And I suspect that what you'll see, Toby, is there will be a momentum, momentum will be gathered. Houses will begat jobs, jobs will begat houses." - George W. Bush, talking to reporters along the hurricane-ravaged Gulf Coast, Gulfport, Miss., Aug. 28, 2006.
"I said I was looking for a book to read, Laura said you ought to try Camus. I also read three Shakespeares ... I've got a eck-a-lec-tic reading list." - George W. Bush, interview with NBC's Brian Williams, New Orleans, La., Aug. 29, 2006.
"You're one of the outstanding leaders in a very important part of the world. I want to thank you for strategizing our discussions." - George W. Bush, meeting with the prime minister of Malaysia, New York, N.Y., Sept. 18, 2006.
"I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me." - George W. Bush, talking to key Republicans about Iraq, as quoted by Bob Woodward.
"He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror." - George W. Bush, on Saddam Hussein, Manhattan, Kan., Jan. 23, 2006.

This is a bit long but please take the time, it's well worth it !!

Anger Management

(there's a time and a place for the c word!)

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know...

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell ?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*ckin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled " You're a C*nt!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call

him up and yell, " You're a C*nt!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'C*nt' calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from BT. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"

A few days later I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the

spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" "Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Steve Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Steve?"

"I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed."

"Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Steve, you're a C*nt!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea.

I called C*nt #1.

"Hello. You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Steve Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"C*nt, I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up.

Then I called C*nt #2. "

Hello?" he said.

"Hello, C*nt," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your arse," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 129 Alice Street, Ilford , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the crap out of each other in front of six police cars, an

overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.


Anger management really works...

So what happens if you have two mobile phones, and you use the first phone to ring one Garda (Irish police force) station and the second phone to ring another Garda station and you hold the two phones together to "talk" to each other?

Listen here.

It could only happen in Mayo...

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts .

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

You're paying to dryclean my trousers, Searchboy !

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Two teenage boys turned up at church and the first went in for confession. He told the priest he'd had sex the night before.

"Who was the girl involved?" asked the priest.

"I don't know, it was dark," replied the boy.

"Was it Bernadette McLafferty?"

The boy said he still didn't know.

"Was it Theresa O'Hare...or Rosemary McGinty?" asked the priest.

"I don't know, it was too dark," insisted the boy.

"Could it have been Anne-Marie, the baker's daughter?" asked the priest.

The boy continued to deny any knowledge of the girl's identity.

Finally, the exasperated priest sent the boy away and told him to return when he could reveal the girl's name.

Outside his friend was waiting anxiously.

"Did you get absolution?" he asked.

"Naw," said his pal, "but I got four good leads for this Saturday night!"

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response,

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language..."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Whats the shortest book ever writen.


The German book of Humour.

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.

St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, "I'm still working on it."

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"

.

The Advantage of Being an ARAB





An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years.

One day, he decided that he would love to plant potatoes and herbs in his garden, But he knew he was alone and too old and weak. His son was in college in Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail explaining the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, that you would help me and dig up the garden for me. I love you, your father."

The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his son: "Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. That is where I have hidden 'the THING.' I love you, too, Ahmed."



At 4pm the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old man and took the whole garden apart, Searching every inch. But they couldn't find Anything. Disappointed, they left the house.



The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son: "Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes. That is all I could do for you from here. You're loving son, Ahmed".

Mad keen golfer stops teeing off to remove his cap and bow his head as a funeral cortege goes past. His mate says 'whats come over you getting all respectful and stopping your game'

He replys ' Well she was a good wife to me for over 40 years'

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.

A hooker comes along and says to him,

"Like to come home with me, buddy? "

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars," the hooker answers.

"I'll give you five bucks," he replies.

The hooker swears at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker. She takes one look at the man and his wife and says,

"HA! see what you get for five bucks?"

Guy goes into a bar and sits down.

"What'll you have?" asks the bartender.

"Gimmee a beer," replies the guy.

The bartender asks, "What kind of beer?"

The guy says, "Oh any kind, so long as it's not a Budweiser."

So the barkeep pours him a Miller and says, "What do you have against Budweiser?"

"Oh man," groans the guy, "I drank twenty three Budweisers last night, went home, and blew chunks."

The bartender says, "Listen pal, you drink twenty three of any beer and you're gonna blow chunks."

The guy says, "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog!"

> MALE MATURITY
>
>When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
>
>When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided
>I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
>
>In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
>Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time
>and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some
>stability.
>
>When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
>totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
>dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
>
>When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
>her..
>She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She
>did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made
me
>miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very
>energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some
>ambition.
>
>When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
>firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
>divorced me and took everything I owned.
>
>Now I am 40 and all I want is a girl with big tits.

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh1t that cue ball out, he measures everything first

Irish Virus

Edit : Finally got the fecking thing to upload !

Why'd the blonde get fired from the M&Ms factory?

She kept sorting out the "w"s.

-----------------------------------

What do you call a bloke that hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

-----------------------------------

What's Helen Kellers favourite colour?

Corduroy.

The new Garda reserve:

Roy Keane interviews for a job.
In the interview he is asked: -Who killed Jesus Christ?
He replies: Pontius Pilate.
>-Ok, you pass, go out there on trafiic duty.

Ronaldo shows up and he is asked
-Who killed Jesus Christ?
he replies: Puntius Pilot.
>-Ok, you pass, you go on traffic duty.

Then David Beckham turns up for interview and he is asked: -Who killed Jesus Christ?
He replies: umm, i don't know
The garda commissioner says OK, go across the road there to the library and read up on it.

>As he is crossing he meets Roy Keane who says to him: -Did you get traffic duty as well?
>-No, David replies, I'm solving a murder case!

Mild chuckles.

Ahne
Zwiegespräche mit Gott - heute: Der Rückfall

A: Na Gott.
G: Na.
A: Na, du Gott.
G: Ja?
A: Mir ist langweilig, Gott.
G: Soso.
A: Kennste dit?
G: Langeweile meinste?
A: Ja Langeweile, wo so richtich allet total öde is. Du kannst anfangen, watte willst, dit ist völlich wurscht eigentlich, am liebsten würdeste damit sofort wieda uffhörn.
G: Aha.
A: Ja, und wenn de dann damit uffhörst, dann isset aba fast noch langweiliga, als vorher.
G: Dann würdeste am liebsten glei mit irgendwat anfangen, wa?
A: Jenau.
G: Aba du weeßt nich mit wat, wa?
A: Stimmt.
G: Du übalegst und übalegst ...
A: Eben.
G: Zermarterst dir den Kopp. Dit qualmt schon richtich ...
A: Wem sachste dit.
G: Funken stieben ...
A: Naja.
G: Allet jeht in Flammen uff, dit janze Haus, dit fängt sofort an zu brennen, lodert lichterloh, infernomäßig.
A: Also ...
G: Schreie, entsetzliche Schreie, aus den oberen Stockwerken, da springen sie bereits ...
A: Moment ma, dit ...
G: in den Tod, den sicheren Tod, Kinder, oh Mann es ist furchtbar, und alles alles nur wegen dieser entsetzlichen Langeweile, dieser entsetzlichen.
A: Gott.
G: Ja, ich weiß, du wolltest es natürlich nicht!
A: Nee. Außadem. Aba ausßadem nimmst du mich ooch ja nich ernst.
G: Doch, doch.
A: Nee, du spinnst dir hier nur wat aus.
G: Nich wirklich, ick hab die Jeschichte lediglich 'n bisschen weita azählt.
A: Wat für ne Jeschichte?
G: Na deine. Mit die Lageweile.
A: Dit is aba keene Jeschichte, Gott. Dit is die Wahrheit.
G: Eine wahre Jeschichte eben, wie sie das Leben schrieb.
A: Schreibt.
G: Denkste, aba nee, nee, falsch jedacht, bald wirds nich mehr langweilig sein, ick hab da nämlich wat vorbereitet.
A: Nee, wa! Wat denn?
G: Wird nich verraten.
A: Wat gutet oda wat schlechtet?
G: Is ne Überraschung.
A: Hat ab nüscht mit na Welle zu tun, oda?
G: Nee, Wellen habick erstma aus'n Programm jenommen.
A: Würde dit, watte dir hast einfallen lassen, eventuell mir weh tun?
G: Denn isset ja keene Überraschung mehr, wennick dir dit jetze sage.
A: Gott.
G: Ja.
A: Du, Gott.
G: Nochmal ja.
A: Du, ick gloob, ick hab'n bisschen übatrieben, vorhin.
G: Nich möglich.
A: Doch. Ick gloob sojar, ick war vorhin ma kurz wieda inne Pubatät. Dit war so'n pubatärer Rückfall vorhin. Ick bin jetz übrigens wieda erwachsen, und dabei fällt mir ein, dass ick Langeweile ja nich mal so übel finde.
G: Soso.
A: Jenau jenommen find ick Langeweile sojar richjehend interessant.
G: Hört, hört-
A: Ja, spannend, aufregend. Dit is schon jut, so wie't is, wollt ick damit nur sagen.
G: Findste?
A: Mmh.
G: Spießa!
A: Ja, haste recht wahrscheinlich, Gott. Tschuldigung! Ick jeh übrigens nachher noch schnell bei de Vasicherung vorbei. Falls de ooch wat willst?
G: Nee. Keen Bedarf.
A: Habick ma schon jedacht. Is nich so dein Ding, na denn. Tschüss Gott!
G: Tschüss Spießa.
A: Bis morgen.
G: Bis morgen!

@MrFixit. Can we please make this a Bavarian free zone. Don't mind a bit of German, but am not going to read a joke in Bayerisch

Und, it ist against ze rulez!

[img]http://www.keydeck.com/smilies/0rules.gif[/img]

Oum i am a bit offended: thats berlinerisch

That's Berlin dialect.
EDIT: And also verboten. No posts solely in a foreign language.

Well, the only thing that could be translated without killing the humor is the title. I guess that wouldnt make that much of a difference. So feel free to delete away Mods.

HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.

Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them.

Put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.

Put them in engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.

Put them in planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.

Put them in operations.

If they are sleeping.

Put them in security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces.

Put them in information technology.

If they are sitting idle.

Put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.

Put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day.

Put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.

Put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least.

If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.

Congratulate them and put them in top management.

That reminds me of the following project consultation chart:

Through some study of jokes, penguins were determined to be the funniest of animals.

Having said that...

A penguin is driving along when suddenly his car breaks down. He manages to roll it into a shop.

The penguin asks the mechanic, a walrus, if he can fix the car.

The walrus says, "Give me about 20 minutes to look it over."

The penguin walks away and notices and ice cream shop across the street.

He eats his ice cream than returns to the garage 20 minutes later.

"Have you found out what's wrong?"

"Yep, it looks like you've blown a seal."

"Nope, that's just ice cream."

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went "ROARRRR!"