Jokes

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work,Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled ... "Only white man is dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that."

WIFE's DIARY

Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

(Scroll down to see HUSBAND's DIARY)

HUSBAND's DIARY
Today Liverpool lost the match. DAMN IT..!!

Typical lady, think too much...

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant,
"I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated:
"Just who the hell is this Camilla Parker-Bowles???"

Man asks God: Why did you make woman beautiful?

God replies: So that you lover her.

Man to God: But why did you make her so stupid?

God replies: So that she loves you.

Warning: Foul Language...

How do you make a woman scream twice?

You fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick with the curtains

Quasimodo comes home from a hard days work at the Notre Dame to find Esmerelda getting the wok out of the kitchen cupboard
He says "Awww, not chinese food again!"

And she replies "No! I'm just about to iron your shirts!"

So...John was a truck driver from Stuttgart and one morning he had to take a truckful of penguins from Stuttgart to Berlin Zoo. So he loaded up his truck and started off.

About 2 hours out of Stuttgart his truck broked down. So he pulled over and realised that he couldnt fix it without part. Then another truck pulled up beside him and asked wat was wrong...

John told him he had a load to take to Berlin but he had to wait for a part which could take hours. The other driver (Mark) said luckily that he was on his way to Berlin and he had an empty truck so he could take his cargo to for him. John said great and told him he had a truck load of penguins he had to take to the Berlin Zoo...Mark said not a problem i can do that...so John gave him 500 euros for expenses and sent Mark on his way.

Later that day John got his truck fixed and carried on to Berlin anyway. He was sitting at a coffee shop drinkin a coffee when he saw Mark walking past with a long line of penguins walking behind him...
John lept up and yelled 'Oi what are you doin...didnt i tell you to take those penguins to the zoo!!!' Mark replied 'Yeah i did! but i had some money left so now im taking them to the movies!!'

I love that joke...i always crack my self up when i tell it

TGIF!

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.

The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"

The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says, 'Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day'".

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells
them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You shag her again."

This isn't very pc, but so what:
What's brown and half eaten?

The Pope's Easter egg.

YOU ARE A CHILD OF THE 80'S IF:

- You know what a "burnout" is.
- You know what "Sike" means.
- You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off".
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a"Synthesizer".
- You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack".
- You wanted to be a Goonie.
- You felt ashamed when Rob Lowe got in trouble for sex with minors and videotaping it, because you liked him.
- You know who Max Headroom is.
- You wore flourescent, neon clothing.
- You could breakdance, or wished you could.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
- Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.
- You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
- You wanted to be on StarSearch.
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
- You wore a banana clip at some point during your youth, or knew someone who did.
- You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's ass
- You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
- You HAD to have your MTV
- You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future".
- You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name".
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
- You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
- You have heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
- You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called"Prince".
- You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
- You remember And/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from Pizza Hut or any other stupid collection they came out with.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
- You know what a Doozer is.
- You wore bike shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish,or knew someone who did.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman), or knew someone who did.
- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
- You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
- You know what a "Whammee" is.

I like it when I start my Monday with a lil Johnny joke. You learn so much from lil J.

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." !
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.

She says to him: "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or naffink, But why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"

So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies: "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."

"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."

heehee.

An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3i. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is alright.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.
"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight.
He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!"

hee...last one then...

Q: What does an Essex girl say after sex?
A: Do you all play for the same team, then?

What's green and smell like a pig...

Kermit's finger

hahahaha

Mauricio - never laugh at your own jokes dude!

I heard this one for the roommate of my girlfriend when I was in Munich a little while ago...

A guy is running on the beach and he see a woman with no arms and no legs, and she crying.

He asked her what's wrong, she told him "Nobody loves me, nobody hugs me, so he give her a hug and continues running.

He passed the spot again as he's running and comes upon the woman again and she still crying again. She says nobody loves me, nobody kiss me, so he give her a kiss and continue running.

He leaving the beach running back to his car and he sees the woman there crying again. He asked her what more can I do. I give a hug and kiss.. What more can I do...

She nobody love, me nobody fucks me... So, he throws her into ocean and says now your fucked

The US National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "OH SH*T!"

Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Louisiana, Mississippi,Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this".

An Essex girl goes into an Ann Summers shop and asks the assistant if she can have a look at an assortment of toys.

Despite a wide range of colours, shapes and sizes, none of them appeal.

She looks up and says to the assistant, "can i have a look at that tartan one up there on the shelf?"

No, replies the assistant, thats my thermos flask.

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike"
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony too"

An Irishman walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing
them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the Irishman had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

Jack Schitt
Remember this and you'll no longer be at a loss when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt!"

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? Well thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can respond in an intellectual way.
______________

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Needeep N Schitt, Inc. They had one son Jack.

In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Despite her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorce.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she became known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son with rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the local newspaper announced the Schitt Happens nupitals. The Schitt - Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt left home to tour the world and recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them.

Yours sincerely,
Crock O Schitt.

When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out that the pens wouldn't work at zero gravity (Ink won't flow down to the writing surface). In order to solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater, in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

And what did Russians do? The Russians used a Pencil!!!

Moral of the story: Keep It Simple, Stupid (KISS) i.e. always look for simple solutions. Devise the simplest possible Solution that solves the problem so, learn to focus on solutions not on problems
"If you look at what you do not have in life, you don't have anything"
"If you look at what you have in life, you have everything"

There can only be one reply to that:

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the
Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf",says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a
tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams...

"Will you ever fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!"

Two little pigs walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, "What are you having?"
They each said, "Five beers."
They sat there drinking until all five beers were empty and then asked where the bathroom was.
The bartender told them, "Just down the hall that way,"

Just then two more little pigs walked in the bar.
"What are you having?" the bartender asked them.
"Were our two brothers here?"
"I guess they might've been your brothers. We don't get many pigs in here."
"Well, what did they have have?"
The bartender said, "They each ordered five beers, drank 'em and headed to the john."
"In that case, I'll have ten beers and so will my brother."
After drinking them all, one of the pigs asked where the bathroom was.
"Just down that hall right there."

As the second pair of pigs disappeared a really small pig walked in.
The bartender asked, "What are you having?"
"I know my brothers are here. What did they have?"
The bartender said, "Well, two of 'em had five beers and two others had ten."
The pig said, "Fine. Give me fifteen beers."
He drank them all and then started eating the peanuts off the bar.

The bartender said, "Ain't you gonna ask me where the bathroom is?"
The little pig replied, "Nope. I'm the one that goes 'wee wee wee' all the way home."

While out walking one day, a man met a redneck riding along with his dog and his sheep and so began a conversation.

Man: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Redneck: "Dog don't talk."

Man: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "I'm doin' alright."

Redneck: (Look of shock)

Man: "Is this redneck here your owner?"

Dog: "Sure is."

Man: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. Walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Redneck: (Look of disbelief)

Man: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Redneck: "Horse don't talk."

Man: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Good."

Redneck: (Again, a look of shock)

Man: "Is this redneck here your owner?"

Horse: "Yep."

Man: "And how does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good. He rides me regularly but not harshly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me when it's cold or raining."

Redneck: (Completely amazed)

Man: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Redneck: "The sheep's a damn liar."

German Lesson # 7

Dog: Barkenpantensniffer
Dog Catcher: Barkenpantensniffersnatcher
Dog Catcher's Truck: Barkenpantensniffersnatcherwagen
Garage for Truck: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenhaus
Truck Repairman: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenmechanikerwerker
Mechanic's Union: Barkenpantensniffensnatcherwagenmechanikerwerkerfeatherbedden gefixengruppe

Doctor: Chestergethumpenpulsentooker
Nurse: Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelper
Hypodermic Needle: Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelperhurtensticker
Backside: Chestergethumpenpulsentookerhelperhurtenstickerstabbenplatz

Piano: Plinkenplankenplunkenbox
Pianist: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounder
Piano Stool: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderspinnenseat
Piano Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspelle
Fathers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspellensnoozengruppe
Mothers at the Recital: Plinkenplankenplunkenboxgepounderoffengeshowenspellensnoozengruppenuppenwakers

Automobile: Honkenbrakenscreecher
Gasoline: Honkenbrakenscreecherzoomerjuicen
Driver: Honkenbrakenscreecherguidenschtunker
Auto Mechanic: Honkenbrakenscreecherknockengepingersputtergefixer
Repair Bill: Bankenrollergebustenuptottenliste

I was in a quarry the other day and asked one of the workmen "What kind of rock is that?".
He said "Boulder".
So I said "What kind of rock is that?"

Ok, just forwarded from a colleague, no personal opinion...

Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".
"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me ..." says the other.
And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"...

Since the mods murdered our old Joke thread, I have to give life to a new one.

I will go first.

MURPHY goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had an affair with a woman. . . almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" MURPHY says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped" The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." MURPHY leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "MURPHY!!! I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" MURPHY replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

3 Wishes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home."

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too."

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?"

The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

Little Johnny walks into the living room pushing a large armchair.
His dad looks a little confused but little Johnny just leaves the armchair in the middle of the room and walks back out again.
10 minutes later he comes back into the living room again pushing yet another armchair and once again he just leaves the armchair and walks back out again leaving his father even more confused.
10 minutes further on, he re-enters the living room but this time he is pushing a 3 seater sofa!
At this point his father can't take any more and says "Where on earth are you getting all this from??"
Little Johnny replies "Some geezer down the end of our street is givin' them away!"
At this the father looses all control and belts Johnny around the head.
"OUCH!!" cries Johnny, "What did you do that for??"

His father replies

"I've told you a thousand times not to accept sweets from stangers!"

(I know its awful but hey, its Friday)

The teacher is teaching the alphabet to the students and Little Johhny is in the back row.
"Can anyone name something that begins with the letter 'A'?"
Little Johhny raises his hand. "An ASS!"
The other kids giggle.

"Ok, can anyone name something that begins with the letter 'B'?"
No one raises their hands except Little Johhny.
"Ok, Little Johhny."
"BITCH!"
The other kids giggle.

"Ok, can anyone besides Little Johhny name something that begins with the letter 'C'?"
Thinks to herself... 'I know a bad word that begins with C and I won't call on Little Johhny.'
"Mary?"
Mary says "a cat?"
"That's right Mary, a cat begins with 'C'. Now how about the letter 'D'?"
Thinks to herself... 'I know a bad word that begins with D and I won't call on Little Johhny.'
And so on and so on till she gets to the letter Z without calling on Little Johhny for the rest of the alphabet.

Thinks to herself... 'I don't know any bad words that begin with Z and perhaps I will give Little Johhny one more chance.'

"Little Johhny, do you know a word that begins with the letter 'Z'?"
"Yes, I do." Little Johhny says. "Zebra!!!"

'whew'.

"A ZEBRA. With a DICK THIS LOOONG!!!"

Two nuns in a bath.

The first : "Where's the soap ?"

The other: "It does, doesn't it?"

For all those fans of old nun jokes, (didn't realise they were brain teasers too).

Two nuns cycling home late at night get lost in an old part of town.
On thinks she knows the right direction home and leads the way.
As their bikes rattle across a cobbled street the other one says "I've never come this way before". the first replies "Neither have I".

Man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and says to the barkepper "If I can show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen in your life, will you give me a free drink?". The barkeeper replies "I've seen a few pretty amazing things in my life, so yeah, if you can show me the most amazing thing I've ever seen, you can have a free drink". The guy puts his hat on the bar and out climbs a very small man, round about a foot tall. He lifts a miniature piano out of the hat and sits down and starts playing Beethoven. The bar man is well impressed and says "That is absolutely amazing. Tell you what, you can have free drinks all night" and starts pulling the guy a pint. As he does so, he asks the guy where he got the little man from. The guy says "I was clearing out my loft and I found a lamp. It was all dirty so I rubbed it and out came this genie. So I made my wish and here he is." The bar man doesn't beleive him and asks to see the lamp. The guy pulls it out of his pocket and the barman asks if he can have a go. The guys says "Sure, seeing as you're giving me all these drinks, why not". So the barkeeper rubs the lamp, out comes the genie and the barman makes his wish. All of a sudden the bar fills up with ducks. The barkeeps says "Wait a second, I wished for a million bucks" The guys replies...

"You don't think I wished for a 14 inch pianist..."

An elderly couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when
the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "Its fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm
ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal,
I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he
strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he shits in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

Back to Nuns...

Difference between a Nun and gal in a bathtub.

The nun has hope in her soul and the gal has...

So I was recently in a nice restaurant with my family. Our waiter was very nice, and the food was great. Instead of the salad I usually get, I ordered the soup of the day. But while I was trying to decide, I was looking around and noticed that all the staff had a spoon in their breast pocket. While ordering, I asked our waiter "Why is it that all of the staff carries a spoon with them?" The waiter smiled and said "A little while ago we had an efficiency expert come in and observe both the staff and the patrons. What we found out was that the spoon is the most dropped utensil. So because of that, we found that if everyone has a spoon ready, we could save an extra trip to the kitchen and still keep the guests happy."
Well, sure enough, mid way through eating my soup, the spoon fell off the bowl and onto the floor. Our waiter smiled as he handed me the spoon and was quickly on his way to another table.
A short while later, as we were eating dessert, I noticed that all the waiters had a string sticking out of the front of their pants. When it came time to pay, I asked the waiter about the strings. "Wow, not many guests are as observant as you are," he said "The string is for when we go to the bathroom. The efficiency expert said that if we use the string to pull it out instead of our hands, we can save time by not washing our hands when we are done." I then asked "So, how do you put it back away without touching it when you are done?"

"Well," our waiter said in a quieter voice, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Replace redhead and Brunnette with Subordinates and the Blond as boss.

Moral of the story: Always let your boss choose first!

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
  _____  

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
  _____  

How do you drown a blonde?
Hold her head underwater until she can no longer breathe and stops struggling.
Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.
  _____  

A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"
  _____  

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
" Would you like an ice pack? "
  _____  

A duck walks into a bar...
Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.
  _____  

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
  _____  

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.
  _____  

A man walks into a bar.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
  _____  

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
  _____  

A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed and has a difficult life.
When asked if he could see the humor in the situation, the child replied "No. No I don't."
  _____  

A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer three questions?"
The lawyer said "$400."
"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"
"I guess so." said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"
  _____  

How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
  _____  

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'
The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.
The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all."
  _____  

What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadilliac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.
  _____  

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertantly left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distacted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removalists van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flys". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most irridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.
  _____  

Satan takes the form of Jesus and appears to three priests saying that if they do something evil, he'll let them drink of the holy water.
The three priests discuss the offer and come to the conclusion that Satan must be tricking them into comitting sin. When confronted with this accusation, Satan reveals his dastardly plot and salutes the priests on their cunning and steadfast faith.
  _____  

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was blind and deaf.
  _____  

The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.
  _____  

Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No.
Well, it's really nice.
  _____  

Where did Hitler keep his armies?
The brunt of his forces were applied to the Eastern front, but throughout different periods of the war, a sizable chunk were used to protect the Atlantic Wall and a handful of divisions were used in Africa, to secure shipping routes.
  _____  

A kid is riding down the street when his chain pops off his bicycle. The kid yells "God damm!" as he begins to fix it. A priest walking nearby overhears the boy taking god's name in vein and says "Don't say 'God damm' say 'God help us'".
The kid says, "I am an atheist, get away from me".
  _____  

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.
  _____  

What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
An embarrassing situation
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
She was a schizophrenic
How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her
  _____  

What's the deal with airline peanuts?
The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn't want a "Peanut Fee" attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It's free food, and it's a nice snack. If you're really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish.
  _____  

How do you make a swiss roll?
Generally it involves a thin layer of sponge cake and a layer of either jam or cream. The resulting flat cheet of cake and cream is then rolled into a cylinder. It's quite delicious, actually.
  _____  

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.
One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and the other's a shopping bag.
  _____  

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough mice to lend their strength to such an endeavor, the chances of them having the intelligence and wherewithall to perform suich a complex activity is really quite low.
  _____  

A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the girl, this time louder.
  _____  

A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.
"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."
The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming, some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.
"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.
"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."
"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."
Nobody says a word.
  _____  

A man has been trapped on a desert island for 8 years. One day, he sees a boat on the horizon and lights a fire to let it know he is there.
The boat comes towards the shore. On board there is a beautiful woman in a body hugging wetsuit.
"Thank God", he says, "I've been trapped on this island for eight years. Thank god someone has come at last."
"Eight years?" she says, "So it's eight yerars since you last smoked a cuban cigar?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigar. She passes it to him, pulls out a zippo, and lights it for him. He enjoys the first cigar he has had in eight years.
"So is it also eight years since you had a drink?"
She unzips a pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a hip flask, tossing it to him. He takes a swig, and it's 25 year old single malt whisky. It's smooth and mellow and utterly delicious.
"So," she says, beginning to unzip the long zipper on the front of her costume, "Is it eight years since you played around?"
"Oh no," he says, "This is all a dream, isn't it? A beautiful woman with whiskey and cigars wanting to have sex with me? I must be dreaming."
Suddenly he is woken up by a flash of lightning. It's the middle of the night, and he is all alone in his primitive shelter on his desert island. So alone, so terribly alone.
  _____  

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, did not recognize the sender's name, and rightly deduced that she was not the intended recipient. She replied, pointing out the man's mistake, who then resent the e-mail to the proper address.
  _____  

How do hedghogs have sex?
Like all other mammals, the make inserts his penis into the female's vagina and moves vigorously in and out until the friction causes him to ejaculate.
  _____  

What's the difference between a duck?
I'm sorry, I was typing too quickly and missed off the end of my sentence. I meant to say "What's the difference between a duck and a goose?" and the answer is that they are entirely different species of waterfowl.
  _____  

What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?
A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.
  _____  

Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.
  _____  

A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy, one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and explodes.
  _____  

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and effort in a present more than money.
  _____  

Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?
The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the year this sea is too cold to comfortably swim in.
  _____  

There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen him in years.
  _____  

As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible. He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However, she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit. They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

I love those ones Keydeck! My favourite so far I think.

how to kill a jokes thread!

Awesome stuff.

And my joke for today..

What do you tell a woman who has two black eyes?

Nothing. You have already told her twice...

hehe

what do you call a dear with no eyes?

...

No idea.

what do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs

...

Still no idea.

what do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs and shagging

...

Still no fucking idea.

How do you kill a Jokes Thread?

Ask keydeck to post on it.

You can't handle my posts. Son, I post on a thread that has jokes. And those jokes need to be posted. Who's gonna do it? You? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep over my non-jokes and long post and curse my existence. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of knowing that my presence while grotesque and unfair to you, can keep this thread going. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at curry nights, you want me on this thread. You need me in this thread. I use words like "thread" and "forum". I use these words as the backone of years spent posting here. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to someone who replies to the very post that I made and then questions the manner in which I do it. I would rather you just bought me a beer and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you get involved and post a joke. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you will happen after I post.

Crystal, Keydeck, crystal !

You obviously eat breakfast 80 yards from 4000 begrudgers trained not to laugh at your jokes.

Fight... Fight!!!