Jokes

Yo mama is so fat that her driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

Yo mama's so ugly, she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo' mama so fat, when fighter pilots see her they say, "Bogie at 11, 12, 1, 2, and 3 o'clock."

Yo Mama's so fat that when she goes to the beach in her blue bathing suit, the whales come up and sing "We Are Family".

A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."

Yo mama's so fat that when you want to go around her on a motorbike you have to refuel half way round

Yo mama's so dirty, the U.S. Army wants to use her bath water as a biological weapon.

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn''''t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn''''t even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

Problem page

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in Torry, Aberdeen and
one of my sisters, is married to a guy from England. My Father and Mother
have recently been arrested for dealing crack cocaine and are currently
dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes..

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in

Peterhead Prison for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other
currently being held in Craiginches on-remand centre on charges of incest
with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former
Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel;
however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with
an
STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into
the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her
knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two
sisters
would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not
to
prostitute it would at least get them off the streets and
hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this:...I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing
her
into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being English?

An elderly barfly was doing her weekly grocery shopping at the supermarket. Shuffling around the aisles, she came upon a handsome young man stacking shelves. His athletic physique sent a rustle through her loins, so she quickly hatched a cunning plan. Throwing all and sundry into her trolley, she hurried to the checkout and enquired if it would be possible for the lad to help her load the groceries into her car. The young hunk was summoned and they made their way to the exit. As they passed through the sliding door to the carpark, the old lush pressed herself against his side and purred “Young man, I have an itchy pussy…� He looked down at her with dismay. “We ma’am, you’ll have to show me which one it is…there are a thousand Jap cars out there!�

A red indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the red indian a tall mug of coffee, which is swallowed in one gulp. Then the red indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, and then he just walks out.

The next morning the red indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Chief! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The red indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators... and another/////

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Lawyer: Have you any grounds?
Man: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case.
Man: It made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
Man: No, we have carport, and not need one.

Lawyer: I mean. What are your relations like?
Man: All my relations still in Poland.

Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Man: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Man: No, I always up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Man: No, she white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Man: She is going to kill me.

Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Man: I got proof.

Lawyer: What kind of proof?

Man: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover."

A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little boy turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"

I've been married 36 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said:
"Honey, 36 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, no car, no TV, no money
And slept on a sofa bed but I got to sleep every night with a hot good looking 18 year old.
Now, we have a beautiful house, two nice cars, king size bed, money and a 50" screen TV,
But I'm sleeping with a 54 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your
Side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18 year old beautiful girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, no car, no money and sleeping on a sofa bed.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

what's the difference between a jew and a canoe?

a canoe tips.

what's the bird of love?
a dove.
what's the bird of true love?
a swallow.

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President one morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a brazilian"?

what's the difference between a duck and an ex-girlfriend?
if a duck starts to waddle, it won't stick you with the bill.

> >Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John went for a night on the
> town,
> >as they left the night-club, Kylie, half-pissed, slipped and got her
> head
> >stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club.
> >Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her
> >little skirt, pushed her g-string to one side and gave her a good seeing to.
> >After he'd finished, Robbie turned and said "It's your turn now,
> Elton",
> >but
> >Elton started crying.
> >Robbie asked, "Why are you crying, Elton? What's wrong?"
> >Elton sobbed, "My head won't fit between the railings!!!"

An alleged true story from an Arsenal season-ticket holder:

His season-ticket last year was an absolute plum seat half way up the Highbury main stand close to the half-way line. In other words, a TV camera style view.

Anyway, after the first few games of the season it became apparent that despite all the home games being sell-outs, the two seats on his left were always empty. This continued until just after Christmas when all of a sudden a guy and his young son appeared there.

After a few weeks of sitting next to this guy and his son, he decided to ask if the guy knew why the seats had been empty for half the season. The response is legendary:

"Yeah don't even go there mate. The wife bought me and my son a season ticket but decided it would be a nice idea to give us them for Christmas. I was f***in' raging!'

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.He realized she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She took the seat right beside him.>Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States."
The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.""Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said.
I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me Paddy."

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian," Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says, "F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"

A bloke walks up to a girl in a night-club and says,

"Hi, my name's Bond"

She says, "Don't tell me, it's James!"

He says, "No it's UNI, and I'm here to fill your crack."

The story of the tourist who walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to have it anyway. So he took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

The owner replied: "It is £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story."

Well the tourist gave the man his £12 and said: "I'll just take the rat - you can keep the story."

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing & screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, he ran to the edge of the sea and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: "Ah, you've come back for the story then!"

"No," said the tourist - "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim fundamentalist cleric, and anything French."

A SQUIRRELS TALE
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.
The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".
Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.
Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house.
He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END

Sir Richard Branson has offered to sponsor the English rugby team. Apparently it's a BIG money deal but the RFU declined the offer this morning saying, "You really can't have Virgin on your shirt when you get fucked every week".

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!
Pursue at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English
language is so hard to learn:

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or
French fries in France (surprise!).

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose two geese, so one moose, two meese? Doesn't it seem crazy,
that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of
odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people
recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo
by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a
fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

Q. What did Cinderella do when she
got to the ball?

A. She gagged.

Be sure to read to the end.

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like
their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running
the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have
to leave Southern California to do so.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a
seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running
the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably
while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country
but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure
there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they
oppose all that they stand for. The only exceptions are if the leaders
are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be
illegal aliens or from another galaxy, provided, of course, that they
are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.

12. None of these is read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.

Bohemian Rhapsopdy Curry Lyrics

Apologies if this is posted elsewhere . Gave me a good laugh and I need one tonight.

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish house. He had a rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night, he discovered the rooster missing and as it was around the time he suspected cockfights occurred in the village, he decided to say something at the church the next morning. At mass, he asked, “has anybody got a cock?� and all the men stood up. No that’s not what I meant he said, “has anybody seen a cock�, all the women stood up. “No no, has anybody seen a cock that does not belong to them� to this, half of the women stood up. “No that’s not what I mean, has anybody seen my cock� and all the choirboys stood up.

He laid her on the table, so white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here ..he rubbed her there.

He touched her neck and felt her breast, then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry.

The hole was wide, he looked inside ...all was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms ..then STUFFED
...the Xmas Turkey.

May I be the first to wish you and your dirty little mind a very Merry Xmas.

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner.

Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Thanks,

Bob

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look,
"What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Apparently, police discovered early in their investigation that Jeffery Dahmer was an avid golfer...
They found a bag of balls under his bed.

Anyone out there play rugby?

I hear that Ipswitch Town are missing a couple of hookers.

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mum", he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.

You know,he's only been there twice in the last four years.

Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Holiday Greetings

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with Human Resources yesterday, and on their advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions or celebrate this festival at all .

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that the UK is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wisher.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. **

Thankyou.

*Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this girl passes them going to the toilet.
Guy says " I think she,s nice "
Guys mate " well nip over and give her the patter "
Guy " the patter ? "
Guys mate " aye the patter "
Guy " I don't know any patter I've never found it easy to talk to girls "
Guys Mate " Fu*ks sake its easy all you have to say is "hello and she will say hello". Then say "it's a nice day isn,t it". Then she will say " Yes it is ". Then you say " but not half as nice as you ! ". Then she will say " Oh thank you " Then the patter will just flow.

Guys Mate " look there she coming back out , go and give it a go "

So nervously off he goes re- running the patter in his head

He walks up and says " Hello "
She says " Hello "
He says " it's a nice day isn,t it ? "
She says " Yes it is "
He says " but not half as nice as you "
She says " Oh thank you "

Few seconds of uneasy silence...

Then he says...

" Been for a shite then ? "

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit."

nice one KeyDick...

BREAKING NEWS:

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, George W. Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

Guinness Book of Records - Female Achievements

Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2in), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on October 12th, 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th of October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2min 40sec before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?", revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2min 38sec of '633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km (313 miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd of April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between August 21st and September 2nd 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both on sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting in a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks and two days before eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at the Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10:00am, the initial scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised 5.28 for local boyscouts.

Talking About Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham and Mrs. Majorie Steele sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from May 1st to August 7th 1978, pausing only for a coffee, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever. The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth of Ipswich, who between November 11th 1983 and January 12th 1984 chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she'd left the bath running.

Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury, popped around for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2:10pm, Mrs. Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 2:30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2:50pm it had risen to 372, and by 4:00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coach-load of American tourists which she flagged down and the butcher's wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11:55pm that night Mrs. Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hr 37min later.

Single-Breath Sentence
A Berkshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow, but was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasm.

Stories From Local Newspapers in Africa
The Cape Times
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential", said Jack Maxim, a spokesperson for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment. We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied: 'Well, there are four of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them aren't there'. Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and he cleaned the same one twelve times. We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for GE Lighting."

The Star, Johannesburg
"The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraem Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nation's merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just don't know where it is, that's all."
Replying to an MP's question, minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the 'Swazimar': "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it. And so technically, yes, we've lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government.
"The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the otherside of his face when my ship comes in."

The Standard, Kenya
"What is all the fuss about?", Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots. You just want to cause trouble."
Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflating, but unluckily the jack had gone missing, so we couldn't get the wheel off.
"Our engineers tried heroically to reinflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out.
"When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr. Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacket whistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in two weeks. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."

From a Zimbabwean newspaper
While transporting mental patients from Harare to Bulawayo, the bus driver stopped at a roadside shebeen for a few beers. When he got back to his vehicle, he found it empty, with the 20 patients nowhere to be seen. Realizing the trouble he was in if the truth were uncovered, he halted his bus at the next bus stop and offered lifts to those in the queue.
Letting 20 people board, he then shut the doors and drove straight to the Bulawayo mental hospital, where he hastily handed over his charges, warning the nurses that they were particularly excitable. Staff removed the furious passengers; it was three days later that suspicions were roused by the consistency of stories from the 20. As for the real patients: nothing more has been heard of them and they have apparently blended comfortably back into Zimbabwean society.