Jokes

Duct tape

Our curry house has made a new 'special' menu with 'Chicken Tarka' as the Dish of the Day.

It's like Chicken Tikka, but a little 'otter'!!

failed to understand how "chicken tikka" and "chicken tarka" can be alike.
also failed to understand how this qualifies as a joke.

Um... the dropped 'H' on 'hotter'... nevermind.

@Sin



@Zeotype

Tarka

[attachmentid=33728

Comes to sumfink when ya gotta explain the bleedin' jokes, eh?

Received this morning

Subject: What's a 710?
Importance: High

What's a 710?

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer. A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

They all looked at each other, and one of the mechanics asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I
lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is
holding a 10 pence piece.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The
dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking,
shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious- looking woman in a
blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market, reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee
cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the
market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more
firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up
the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the money to the father and
walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies,

"I work for the Inland Revenue"

CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!" " I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly. Peter, Peter, something or other...

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision; they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."

Harley
On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to
sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer
for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and
searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only
tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope
hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive
on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the
chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken
then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the
horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the
farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to
sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he
would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his
life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

The mayor of Houston Texas was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
Houston. The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of
Houston was full of pigeon poop. The people of Houston couldn't walk on the
sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to keep the
streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. "I can
rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without cost to the city.
But, you must promise not to ask me any questions. Or, you can pay me five
million dollars and ask one question." The mayor considered the offer
briefly and accepted the free proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and
released a red pigeon. The red pigeon circled in the air and flew up into
the bright blue Texas sky. All the pigeons in Houston saw the red pigeon.
They gathered up behind the red pigeon. The Houston pigeons followed the red
pigeon as she flew eastward out of the city.

The next day the red pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City
Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man and the red pigeon
had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Houston of the plague of
pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented
him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did
have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man
had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 5 million just to get to
ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have any red Mexicans?

an 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.
very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
the test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? i want to know!"
the girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and
impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out and enter the house.
he sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl.
he says, "good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
i can't marry her because of my personal family situation but i'll take charge.
i will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
additionally, if a girl is born i will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and $2,000,000 bank account.
if a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and $4,000,000 bank account.
if twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
however, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest i do?"
at this point, the father, who had remained silent, places his hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"you fcuk her again."

Old one ..but still funny:)

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull shit. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

da daaahhh

What's the difference between a queer and a fridge?

A fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

Can we please turn the page so that I don't have to look at that bloke's butt every time I want to read a new joke?

miaaaow

Nice to see things are slowing down a bit for you at work, Dave.

A blonde calls her boyfriend on the phone with a problem.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard.
None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?", he asks.
"It's of a big rooster", she replies.
"All right," he says, "I'll come over and have a look."

When he arrives, she thanks him for coming over and leads him over to the kitchen table where she has it laid out. He takes one look at what she's been struggling with and says, "Oh, for fuck's sake, put the cornflakes back in the box!"

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Believe it or not, this is totally work safe...

http://www.fatuglycunt.co.uk/

now, Wee Mun, if somebody actually is in a position to read your post, work safe is already a lost cause
(the pic just above your post?)

The shamrocks cocktail menu

3 guys are in a bar discussing what the fastest thing in the world is. "A thought. That's pretty fast. It's in your head instantly.", says one.

"Good, but what about a blink?" says another. "That's a reaction and you don't even realise you've done it. That's gotta be pretty fast."

"Yes, but electricity is quicker isn't it. You flick a switch and a light comes on instantly."

"You're all wrong!", says the old geezer in the corner. "Chicken curry is the fastest thing in the world. Yes, chicken curry. I left here last night after a few beers and picked up a chicken curry on my way home. I ate the curry, went to bed and fell asleep. In the middle of the night I woke up feeling unwell and I'll tell you, I didn't have time to think, blink or switch on a light and I shit myself!"

not really a joke but...

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your
foot.
But you can't!!!

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with
your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!

I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make
sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able to
believe
it

Andrew LLyod webber walks into Burger King and says " Give me 2 big Whoppers"

The guy behind the counters says " You are so good looking and your Musicals are Great!"

what do hurricanes and women have in common?

when they arrive they're wet and wild...when they leave they take your house and car

i know thats a bit sick but i just heard it on a movie and couldn't stop laughing

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly
gates.
St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have
to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some
mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most
beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and
serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier
place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will
completely redesign the fashions up here, from the
archangels to the Cherub to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you
look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier
place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"
The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and
pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian
water into her fanny, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush
out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a f*cking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of
Queens..."

Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc.''

Whats Elton John and Richard Hammond Both got in common?
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.They both have skidmarks on their helmets!

This is your captain speaking:

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus!

CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse!!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an de brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de Holy

Mudder a Gad!!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,

puts the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the

Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched , the tyres

squealed, and there was smoke everywhere, but, to the relief of all the

passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came

to stop but a few meters from the edge of the runway!!!

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure,Paddy

looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de

shartist fookin runway in de world!"

Shamus replied, "Yes, but did ya see how fookin wide it is.

A Bavarian is summat 'twixt an Austrian and a human being...

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman.
"I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him.

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic,"
thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"

Only one word leapt to mind.

"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that.
There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?

This is something for anyone to read, but especially good if your having late pregnancy impatience and discomfort, it will cheer you up no end...happy reading

Someone posted to read this in humour, which I did and wet myself laughing it really cheered me up so thought as everyone seems to be down in the dumps at the mo I could copy and past it over.*dr* *dr* Test 1 - PREGNANCY AND PREPARATIONS Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the beans. Men: To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time. Test 2 - EDUCATION Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. Test 3 - DISCOVERING HOW THE NIGHTS WILL FEEL 1) Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. 2) At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep. 3) Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am. 4) Set the alarm for 3am. 5) As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea. 6) Go to bed at 2. 45am. 7) Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. 8) Sing songs in the dark until 4 am. 9) Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off. 10) Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Test 4 - DRESSING Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems. 1) Buy a live octopus and a string bag. 2) Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning. Test 5 - VEHICLES Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door saloon. And don't think that you can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don'tlook like that. 1) Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2) Get a coin. Insert it in the cassette player. 3) Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits, mash them into the back seat. 4) Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There ... perfect! Test 6 - GETTING READY TO GO OUT 1) Wait. 2) Go out the front door. 3) Come in again. 4) Go out. 5) Come back in. 6) Go out again. 7) Walk down the front path/driveway. 8) Walk back up it. 9) Walk down it again. 10) Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. 11) Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. 12) Retrace your steps. 13) Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you. 14) Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. Test 7 - INSTRUCTIONS Repeat everything you say at least 5 times. Test 8 - SHOPPING Go the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks' groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. Test 9 - FEEDING 1) Hollow out a melon. 2) Make a small hole in the side. 3) Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side 4) Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5) Continue until half the cornflakes are gone. 6) Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it fa

PART 2 *dr* *dr* Test 10 - LEISURE Learn the names of every character from the Fimbles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years. Test 11 - HOUSEKEEPING Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look? Test 12 - TRIPS Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each "Mummy " occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler. Test 13 - CONVERSATION Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing The Mummy" tape made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room. Test 14 - WORKING MUMS Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting. Now: 1) Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it. 2) Stir. 3) Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture. 4) Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel. 5) Do NOT change. You have no time. 6) Go directly to work. Test 15 - GOING SOMEWHERE? Go for a drive, but first ... 1) Find one large tomcat and six pitbulls. 2) Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car. 3) Put the pitbulls in the front seat of your car. 4) While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat. 5) For the really adventurous... Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop. You are now ready to have kids!

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...but she
belonged to someone else...One day Johnny got so frustrated that he
went up to her and said I'll give you a £1000 if you let me
make love to you...but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you
bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend...so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for £2000, pick up the money
very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and
the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45
minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...

She said "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the crowd pierces the silence...

"Well, fucking stop doing it then!"

Sorry to report the death of an Irish woman in Münich yesterday.
She lived on the 14 th floor of a high riser and fell out of the window.
Police asking her husband if the wife was depressed or maybe suicidal.

No way replies the husband, she was doing her spring cleaning today and was really looking forward to iroining the curtains.

silly cow forgot to take them down before hand though

So did the husband burn his ear when he phoned for the ambulance ?

Not sure.

A woman walks into the local Pharmacy and asks for some Cyanide pills to kill her husband.

The Pharmacist refuses, telling her that murder is against the law and she couldn't just kill her husband.

The woman maintains that her husband is being unfaithful and divorce would be too costly, it would be better just to kill him.

Once again the Pharmacist refuses.

At this point the woman produces a small photograph of her husband in bed with the Pharmacist's wife.

"That's different" says the Pharmacist, "I didn't realise you had a prescripton!"

Murphy calls on his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says "would ye be a mate Murphy and go upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezin'"

"No bother" says Murphy. He runs up the stairs to see Paddy's two 19 year old, gorgeous, twin daughters sat in their room.

"Hello girls, your dad sent me up to shag ye both"

"Feck off ya liar" one twin says.

"I'll prove it" says Murphy. He shouts down the stairs "Both of them, Paddy".

Paddy screams "Of course yer ejit, what's the use of fecking one!!!

I parked in a disabled space yesterday and a traffic warden shouted to me,

"Oi, what's your disability mate?"

I said, "Tourettes you c*nt, now f*ck off!!!"

Had this Muslim woman knock on my door last night. Did I answer it? Did I fook, I just looked through the letterbox and shouted, “Ha, how do you like it bitch�

btw I just noticed what this smiley ----> looks like now

Zoo keeper and Three Boys:

A zoo keeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.

The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."