Jokes

A little girl turns to her mother and says, "Mummy,
Billy next door has a willy just like a peanut."
"Do you mean its really tiny?" replies her mother.
"No", the girl answers, "I mean its really salty."

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The barman says "That's a nice newt. What's his name?"
The man says "Tiny". The barman says "Why do you call
him Tiny?". "Because", he replies, "he's my newt."

Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis.

So space, how's the diet working for you this time?

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador Retriever
and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(???).

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the
last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both
arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.

Horrifie! d, she asked if I'd been poisoned by the dog food and was that
how I ended up in the hospital.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt and a car
hit me.

(ooops this one is only a couple posts above)

Two eskimos feeling chilly in their canoe on the icy waters so one lights a fire. As the hole in the bottom of the canoe leaks water and they begin to sink one turns to the other and says 'well I guess that justs goes to prove that you can't have your kayak and heat it'

Why did Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella in the rain?

Fo Drizzle

The Ages of Woman:

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa...
virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia...
hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America...
fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe...
exhausted but still has points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia...
everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn?

The Ages of Man:

1. Between 16 and 26: Tri-weekly
2. Between 27 and 46: Try weekly
3. Over 47: Try weakly

BBC News is saying that 5 thousand troops have entered Jordan.

Early reports say she's a bit tired and her fanny's sore but otherwise she's quite happy.

Hmmm, could be a bit tooo S.A.

again, a little bit too S.A.

Perhaps this has been posted before, but too lazy to go through and check.

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

One Christmas she turns up on the doorstep, upon her return, her father
cussed her ;

" Where have you been all this time, you ingrate!
Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing?
Why didn't you call? You little tramp!
Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give out a few Christmas
presents, for Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed
mansion, plus a savings account, certificate for £5 million.
For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new
Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime
membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you
all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" interrupts the Dad

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! . Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a
Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Musical Anagrams:

I Come - He Gargle! - George Michael

Michael Jackson - Manacle his Jock

Britney Spears - Best PR In Years

Kelly Osbourne - One bulky loser

Justin Timberlake - I'm a jerk, but listen.

Garry Glitter - Try Large Git

Meat Loaf - O! Fat Male

Alanis Morissette - It's Nasal, Tiresome

Kylie Minogue - I Like 'Em Young

Chris Rea - Rich Arse

David and Victoria Beckham - Bravo! Victim And A Dickhead

Marilyn Manson - My norm anal sin

Gloria Estefan - Large Fat Nose

Whitney Houston - Shut it now, honey!

Michael Bolton - I'm The Local Nob

Elvis Aaron Presley - Seen alive? Sorry, pal!

Eric Clapton - Narcoleptic

Michael Jackson - He's Jail Cock Man

@Expat, you forgot the best and ultimate musical anagram: LIVES

dont forget Levis

Thoughts of the day
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmm, boy.

When you’re riding in a time machine way far into the future, don’t stick your elbow out the window, or it’ll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,� I said. “Disneyland burned down.� He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?� you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.�

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!� and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.� Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’d like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind�. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words - “mank� and “ind�. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!�

I’d rather be rich than stupid.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you’re coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhoea.

If you’re a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.� We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.� And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.�

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Floppy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Floppy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.� But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.

If you’re a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it’s real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn’t open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

The crowd seemed to be calling his name, thought More.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?� or “Do you have that $50 you borrowed?� Man, quit being so cheap!

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say, “Oh, you mean this?� and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can’t get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you’re talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

I think a good product would be “Baby Duck Hat�. It’s a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, “If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky.� Just then the eclipse would start, and they’d probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
proclaims: "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport
their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and say "If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally
double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the
college education of all his children!." More sighs
and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the preacher
stays, I will give him sex," There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you
to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his
head from side to side while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my
husband how we could help, and he said "Screw the Preacher.

Probably already on here, but here you go anyway

Bush Pilot

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I
REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Men just don't listen !

Search the word "Failure" on google. Check whose name comes first.

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male!

Aynuk decides its about time he got himself fit and decided to take up jogging. One day while he was out jogging, he noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road.

He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and continued on his way.

When he gets to the end of his jog, he happens to see Ayli sitting outside the pub, doing his training, downing a pint.

Ayli looks at old Aynuk standing there huffing and puffing, red faced and doubled up.

"What am them big bulges yove got in your shorts?" he asked.

"Tennis balls," pants Aynuk

"Yow poor sod " said Ayli,. "Our kid they must be really hurting, no wonder yome in agony, I once had tennis elbow and I know the pain was unbearable."

A man is in bed with his wife on a cold and icy night when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's two a.m.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs and opens the door.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "I'm stuck, can you give me a push?"

"No, get lost. It's two a.m." says the man and he slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you," she says. "Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter, and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy seems drunk," says the husband.

"All the same" says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"

And he hears a voice cry out in the darkness "Yes please"

"Where are you?"

"I'm here in the garden" the stranger replies, "on your swing".

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that
there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his
word he made contact,

"Mary Mary. ..."

Is that you, Fred?"

Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

What's it like?"

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, Then
dodge a few aeroplanes, then I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and
then I have sex twice. I have lunch, dodge a few more aeroplanes,
then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, dodge a few more
planes. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again"

Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."

Not exactly, I'm a rabbit at Heathrow Airport!!

Jimmy Saville thing

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father .. during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

(You can depend on a doctor to be sympathetic in a situation like this).
A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole, he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell-phone rang.

It was a doctor, notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd bethere as soon as possible. As he hung up, he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best-ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital--and ended up finishing all eighteen. He completed the round, shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant--and then he remembered his wife. Feeling terribly guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He met the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been on a ventilator in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will more than likely be your last. For the rest of her life your poor wife will require around-the-clock care. And you will be her care giver".

The distraught man broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just kidding. She died more than two hours ago.
What'd you shoot?"

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and
fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks horrified, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
..

And Tigger?

Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0

Dear IRF Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,

"A Troubled User"

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0.

It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support) .

I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.

I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

a bloke goes to the doctor and says,"doctor, i've got a bit of a problem with my nob." so the doctor says,"ok, well, what appears to be the problem", and the guy replies,"erm, perhaps you should take a look."

so, he gets his nob out and it's bright orange. "hmm", says the doctor,"what line of work are you in?". "well, at the moment i'm unemployed". so the doctor asks "and what hobbies do you have?". "nothing really", replies the bloke. "so if you're not working and you don't have any hobbies, what do you do with your time?", asks the doctor.

"um, not a lot really", replies the bloke,"just sitting around, watching porn and eating wotsits"

(as inspired by the german wotsits thread)

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find Another Oil-Rich Nation For Regime Change".
Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack Random Countries (Ideally Those Without Any Credible Military)" and "Beg The British For Help".
The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombing threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance".
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of London in 1666

Going to the Toilet at work?,

CROP DUSTING -- When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY -- The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE -- A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK -- When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the cubicle until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH -- The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME -- Walking from the cubicle, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER -- A colleague who poos at work and is proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) -- A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS -- A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite gender . This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your gender entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR -- Someone who does not realise that you are in the cubicle and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the cubicle until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH -- A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a cubicle. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE -- A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a cubicle. This will remove all doubt that the cubicle is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON -- A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET -- A case of diarrhoea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED -- A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

LIFE

One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

God then created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and
make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And
God agreed.
God moved on to create the cow and said: "You must go into the field with
the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun and have calves and
give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life
span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God
agreed again.

Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we act like a monkey to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you

Well, I never knew that !!!

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you
can read it...

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer bein the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

FACE-LIFT
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000
and feels really good about the results.
On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch,
and asks the order taker the same question,
to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".

"I am actually 47," he answered.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.
But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.
If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes,
I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell
and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done.
You're 47 years old."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the queue at McDonalds.

A plane is en route to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, wlaks forward and takes a seat in first class.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she only paid for economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot there's some blonde bimbo sitting in first class who only bought an economy ticket and who won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she is only entitled to the economy section and she'll have to return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Sydney and I'm staying right here!'

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry! I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in economy. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replies, "I told her first class isn't going to Sydney."

woof.

Talking of blondes:

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift Cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
Malt whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he ad ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, here the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage, eans, Mushrooms And Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured Him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cups bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's The five quid for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you, so I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F**k him. Give him a fiver!"
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

The Wailing Wall

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish
man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday,
for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, she approached him for an interview.

"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years".

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray
for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in
safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' brick wall."

FART DEFINITIONS

THE ALARM FART: This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnatural high note and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong and will usually get you alarmed. If it happens to you you will know right away because of the nervouse feeling you will have.

THE AMPLIFIED FART: This is any fart that gets is power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time as will a tin drum, a cardboard box etc. These are common farts under the right conditions.

THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?

THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.

THE BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD: Like the great bal eagle, this fart is pretty well described by its name this can either be a group one or two. This fart is totally awe-inspiring.The first time I heard it was in a high school auditorium, right after the national anthem. After the fart the whole auditorium rose clapping.

THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.

THE CROWD FART: The crowd fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people turn look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and makes a caughing noise, or looks up to the ceiling as if something up there fascinates him. Verry common in the supermarket.

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

THE DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART: Very simply any fart in church, temple, or any place of worship. For fart watchers who go to this is a must to watch for as this is the only place it can occur.

THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails. For this reason it is stricly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo.

THE ENGLISH FART: A very classy fart. The sound alone distinguishes it from all other farts. There are some who will say that this is a put-on accent, but that is silly. When it comes to farting goes around sounding like an Englishman. It happens or it doesnt. The sound it makes is a _THIP_. Sometimes it will go__THIP__THIP__. It is unmistakable. It is probably as proper and upper class as a fart can get.

THE EXCLAMATION FART: This is a punctuation fart. Timing is the whole thing. The farter, or someone, must be speaking. For instance the speaker will say "Ah shut up!" and then someone will fart a loud sharp fart. This is a true exclamation fart. If the speaker is also the farter he may delay it until just the right moment them force it for all he's worth (usualy causing an unwanted load in his pants). Rare.

THE EXECUTIVE FART: A very loud fart by a very important person is an executive fart. It is either sharp or flat, somewhat off key but otherwise a very business like fart. No nonsense about it! but noone is supposed to notice. Particularly the farter. If you do not laugh at the executive fart its either your afraid of the the person who farted or the fart was just to gross. Common with very important people

THE FRENCH FART: Said to be the most beautiful of farts. Usually in a minor key. Soft and musical with many half tones. Any long drawn out fart that seems beautiful to you is most likely a French Fart. Very Rare.

THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART: The heaviets of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.

THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable.

THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE POO-POO FART: This is a fart by a very small kid. The kid farts and then says "go poo-poo now". And somebody takes him and he does.

THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.

THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.

THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.

THE S'CUSE ME FART: This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted. It is about as close to words as a fart can get. The sound it makes is like a little soft whisper that says "S'cuse me." The most polite of all farts and very silly when you are alone.

THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.

THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.

THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER FART: This is one of the few farts that can bring tears to people's eyes and lumps to their throats and otherwise get them all stired up.

THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.

THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out of there.

THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the fart for you.

No offence intended

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell
where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the
devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely
have to stay here, I'm going to have to let some-one else go. I've got
three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them
go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who
leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large
pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not
a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day." The
devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time
after time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented
George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton
lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs
staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing
what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while
and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said,
"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

How many guns do the US need to combat an enemy?

Two: one to shoot and one to sell him to shoot back.

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks his
sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them, and
then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

Hmmm my thread became a post

Naughty, but nice!