A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him," she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
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Jokes
No chat, just jokes
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It is just before England v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game.
Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his
teammates
looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game.
We know it's important but it's only England . They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these guys
by myself, so you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few ales.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)." He is beating England all byhimself!"
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put theteletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 ( Lampard 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly managed a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho and find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting in a corner with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you managed a draw against England all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I was sent off after 12 minutes"
Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his
teammates
looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game.
We know it's important but it's only England . They're crap and we can't be bothered".
Ronaldinho looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these guys
by myself, so you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the
Brazilian team go off for a few ales.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10minutes)." He is beating England all byhimself!"
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put theteletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1 ( Lampard 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly managed a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho and find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting in a corner with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you managed a draw against England all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I was sent off after 12 minutes"
An old lady who is about to die goes to a funeral parlour to make arrangements. She says that she wants the following words on her gravestone: Born a virgin. led her life as a virgin and died as a virgin. She was told that it would be rather expensive because you hav to pay oer letter, so she asked if she could get it any cheaper. The man at the funeral parlour suggested the following solution: Returned with seal intact.
Doesn't Ronaldinho have a 1 match ban from the Scotland game ? Or does it depend on the number of posts in between ?
The Last Fling
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had
been dating for over a year, and we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me ... her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts
and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me and I always got a very good view. It had
to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day the little sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love
to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.
Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs.When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,
then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened
the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside,
all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test...we
couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!"
... and ! the moral of this story is :
Always keep your condoms in your car.
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had
been dating for over a year, and we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me ... her beautiful
younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts
and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me and I always got a very good view. It had
to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day the little sister called and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and
whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that
she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love
to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her
sister.
Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one
last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the
stairs.When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and
threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,
then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened
the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside,
all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test...we
couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!"
... and ! the moral of this story is :
Always keep your condoms in your car.
dude - that gag was actually #2 on this thread! Keep up.
Renia's delivery was much better though. It really is the way you tell them.
DOH!!
My 4 year old daughter asked me what I was laughing at today while reading this, had to make something up to tell her quick!
My 4 year old daughter asked me what I was laughing at today while reading this, had to make something up to tell her quick!
An Australian man has been arrested in Stuttgart after assaulting an Italian
supporter following the Italy / Australia knock-out match on Monday.
The man was said to be 20 metres away from his victim who sustained head
fractures, several broken ribs, a punctured lung, two broken legs, severe
lacerations and burns to 75% of his body.
The Australian man was shot dead by Authorities and the Italian victim is
expected to make a full recovery in a couple of minutes.
supporter following the Italy / Australia knock-out match on Monday.
The man was said to be 20 metres away from his victim who sustained head
fractures, several broken ribs, a punctured lung, two broken legs, severe
lacerations and burns to 75% of his body.
The Australian man was shot dead by Authorities and the Italian victim is
expected to make a full recovery in a couple of minutes.
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
. . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
PLZ DONT HUNT ME DOWN...
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key?
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
. . . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
PLZ DONT HUNT ME DOWN...
booooooooo!
hissssssssss!
hissssssssss!
@zeotype: don´t you just love those shaggy dog stories!
I guess this is a place only for jokes and no chat.
While on holiday, Pope Benedict suddenly sees a commotion just offshore. He looks out and spots a helpless man wearing a German football top, struggling to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.
The Pope watches, horrified, but spies a speedboat racing up with three men wearing England football tops on board. One fires a harpoon into the side of the shark. The other two reach out and pull the bleeding, semi-conscious German from the water. The English heroes beat the shark to death and haul it into the boat.
The Pope summons them to the beach. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions and saving my fellow countryman' he said. 'I grew up thinking there was bitter hatred between English and German football fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.'
As he drove off, the harpooner asked his mates 'Who was that ?'
'It was the Pope', one of them replies. 'He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom.'
'Well', the harpooner replies, 'he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he knows nothing about shark fishing...How's the bait holding up?'
The Pope watches, horrified, but spies a speedboat racing up with three men wearing England football tops on board. One fires a harpoon into the side of the shark. The other two reach out and pull the bleeding, semi-conscious German from the water. The English heroes beat the shark to death and haul it into the boat.
The Pope summons them to the beach. 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions and saving my fellow countryman' he said. 'I grew up thinking there was bitter hatred between English and German football fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.'
As he drove off, the harpooner asked his mates 'Who was that ?'
'It was the Pope', one of them replies. 'He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom.'
'Well', the harpooner replies, 'he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he knows nothing about shark fishing...How's the bait holding up?'
Don't think I will be telling that one to my German friends.
Don't think I will be telling that one to my German friends.
Sky Sports have reported that Saddam Hussein has been found guilty
and will be sentenced to death by firing squad. His last request was
reported to be the naming of his own firing squad.
He is reported to have chosen Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12
yards.
and will be sentenced to death by firing squad. His last request was
reported to be the naming of his own firing squad.
He is reported to have chosen Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher from 12
yards.
If I was Saddam, I would've added Ayala and Cambiasso to the list.
And he has requested Christiano Ronaldo to be there, so he can guarantee someone will cry!
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch ... you may choose any
man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch ... you may choose any
man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.
And the winner of this weeks "Revoking the independence of the USA" award goes to ...
Again!!! For F@*k sake man!!
For F@*k sake man!!
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise whe n they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between a new girlfriend and a new dog?
After 2 weeks, you still call the dog.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
AND...LAST BUT NOT LEAST
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise whe n they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between a new girlfriend and a new dog?
After 2 weeks, you still call the dog.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
AND...LAST BUT NOT LEAST
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man
replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk
out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he
was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man
standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants
to buy the other half...
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself
in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy
replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?"
asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and
hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy
replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man
replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk
out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he
was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man
standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants
to buy the other half...
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later
the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself
in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
we like that around here. Where are you from son?" The boy
replied, "Canada sir." "Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?"
asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and
hockey players up there."
"Really," replied the manager, "My wife is from Canada!!" The boy
replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?
An oldie...
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, SHIT!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, SHIT!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.
Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:
"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:
"Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott Esq aged 8 1/2
I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown ups. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown ups say I can't talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden, that's a silly name. Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.
On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.
Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol says Uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.
In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.
While the grown ups went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls. She bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She says she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.
I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundreds & thousands on it.
All the other grown ups have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.
The grown ups went to play football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.
Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of our holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.
All the grown ups started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.
By Theo Walcott Esq aged 8 1/2
I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some other grown ups. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf used to live with his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does live there, and the grown ups say I can't talk about the bad man as it will make Uncle Owen cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles and some mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden, that's a silly name. Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.
On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.
Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne, Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol says Uncle David wears dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol got me some pop.
In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a long time ago.
While the grown ups went to play football so I went shopping with Auntie Vicky and some other girls. She bought me a big ice cream and got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me play with Brooklyn. She says she used to be in a pop band and sang me one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.
I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundreds & thousands on it.
All the other grown ups have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.
The grown ups went to play football against somebody called Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see in books, he is rubbish at football though.
Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of our holiday but it got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I should while we are here, they are too tight for me.
All the grown ups started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all saying that we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket, I think.
--- Breaking news ---
Sophie Ellis Bextor was found headbutted to death in a French football player's hotel room.
The police are keeping an open mind, but think it was murder on Zidane's floor.
badumtish...
Sophie Ellis Bextor was found headbutted to death in a French football player's hotel room.
The police are keeping an open mind, but think it was murder on Zidane's floor.
badumtish...
Little Johnny was watching TV in his room one night & decided to go &
ask his mum & dad about something he'd just heard.
He goes downstairs & asks them
"What's Love Juice?"
Dad is horrified & after looking at mum who's also gob smacked
proceeds to give little Johnny the dreaded explanation.
Johnny sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement.
Dad finishes the talk & asks "So what is it you've been watching that
you shouldn't be?"
Johnny replies
.
.
.
.
.
"Wimbledon."
ask his mum & dad about something he'd just heard.
He goes downstairs & asks them
"What's Love Juice?"
Dad is horrified & after looking at mum who's also gob smacked
proceeds to give little Johnny the dreaded explanation.
Johnny sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement.
Dad finishes the talk & asks "So what is it you've been watching that
you shouldn't be?"
Johnny replies
.
.
.
.
.
"Wimbledon."
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britains apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs.
Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care ofthe probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END
THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrels's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrels food is siezed and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britains apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrels's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs.
Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care ofthe probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END
I LOVE that one
Out on her royal yacht the queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.
Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling . It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching the yacht, the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give
you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England Team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"
Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling . It was the Queen calling them to the yacht.
On reaching the yacht, the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give
you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England Team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She knighted them and sailed away.
As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"
To prevent the above joke going the way of that independence rescinding fiasco please feel free to use the following template
Out on her royal yacht the <figurehead> was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.
Through her binoculars she could see it was <random figure of ridicule>, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The <figurehead> ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled <random figure of ridicule> from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious <random figure of ridicule> into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling . It was the <figurehead> calling them to the yacht.
On reaching the yacht, the <figurehead> went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give
you a <dodgy gong> for your brave actions. I thought the <national grouping> team would hate <random figure of ridicule> after the world cup. But I see that the <national grouping> are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She <suspect hand movement> them and sailed away.
As she departed <random protagonist 1> asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," <random protagonist 2> answered, "was our <figurehead>. She rules the <random organisation> and knows everything about our <random geographical area, imaginary or real>"
"Well," <random protagonist 1> replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"
Out on her royal yacht the <figurehead> was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark.
Through her binoculars she could see it was <random figure of ridicule>, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The <figurehead> ordered the captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled <random figure of ridicule> from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious <random figure of ridicule> into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling . It was the <figurehead> calling them to the yacht.
On reaching the yacht, the <figurehead> went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give
you a <dodgy gong> for your brave actions. I thought the <national grouping> team would hate <random figure of ridicule> after the world cup. But I see that the <national grouping> are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries." She <suspect hand movement> them and sailed away.
As she departed <random protagonist 1> asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," <random protagonist 2> answered, "was our <figurehead>. She rules the <random organisation> and knows everything about our <random geographical area, imaginary or real>"
"Well," <random protagonist 1> replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"
@yeti - Spoilsport. Find me the template for this one then.
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is.
It's Cristiano Ronaldo!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.
You have two options, you can save the life of Cristiano Ronaldo or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.
You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer, somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realise who it is.
It's Cristiano Ronaldo!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to pull him under.
You have two options, you can save the life of Cristiano Ronaldo or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the football world's most exiting player's.
So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
Like all really important questions the answer is 17.25.
it's noon, you are sitting on the beach at Carmel, California, when you see a lawyer drowning in the Pacific. Do you read the paper or have lunch?
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered thus "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
Judge's decision: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.
His lawyer said "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered thus "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
Judge's decision: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached and provided to the plaintiff for damages."
The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night.
The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. Clever enough!
After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hangover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter.
The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives. Clever enough!
After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hangover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
"What's this, honey?" the husband enquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
Hamish and Dougal are sitting in the pub discussing Hamish's forthcoming
wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Hamish. "I've got everything organised
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night."
Dougal nods approvingly.
"Heavens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Hamish.
"A kilt?" exclaims Dougal. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that.
And what's the tartan?"
"Och," says Hamish, "I imagine she'll be in white."
wedding.
"Ach, it's all going grand," says Hamish. "I've got everything organised
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night."
Dougal nods approvingly.
"Heavens, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Hamish.
"A kilt?" exclaims Dougal. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that.
And what's the tartan?"
"Och," says Hamish, "I imagine she'll be in white."
I apologise if you have seen this before, but for those non pedants amongst you, please enjoy.
for the pedants, get a life, you sad "Father Unknowns"!
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband
Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly; she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in
the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting
to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone,
she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.
"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below
your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.
for the pedants, get a life, you sad "Father Unknowns"!
Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband
Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly; she took out
Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in
the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting
to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone,
she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.
"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below
your left breast. Why do you ask?" She hung up without answering.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a
gunshot wound to her knee.
Tax Laws for 2007
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the PENIS.
This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up, and
5% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for
early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms
deductible as work clothes?
Effective January 1, 2006, penises will be taxed according to size. The
brackets are as follows:
10"- 12" Luxury Tax
8" - 9" Pole Tax
6" - 7" Privilege Tax 4" - 5" Nuisance Tax
Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4"
is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!
The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the PENIS.
This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up, and
5% of the time it's in the hole.
It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for
early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms
deductible as work clothes?
Effective January 1, 2006, penises will be taxed according to size. The
brackets are as follows:
10"- 12" Luxury Tax
8" - 9" Pole Tax
6" - 7" Privilege Tax 4" - 5" Nuisance Tax
Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4"
is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!
Dear Friend,
Good day to you. I may have to trouble your sense of personal achievement and reward for an opportunity properly taken advantage of.
I am Mr. Michael Ramsey, a representative and an attorney to the late Mr. Kenneth Lay, the former chairman & CEO, Enron Corp. Industry: Energy & Natural Resources Home, was previously in jail and facing trial on charges of corruption and embezzlement of funds while in Power, before his untimely departure of his mortal coil in July of 2006 (God Bless).He deposited TWENTY ONE MILLION U.S DOLLARS ($21,000,000.00) with me when he was in power as the chairman.
I am contacting you because I want you to deal with the Finance house and claim the money on my behalf since I have declared that the Funds belong to my foreign business partner. You shall also be required to assist me in investment in your country. I hope to trust you as a God fearing person who will not sit on this money when you claim it, rather assist me properly, shared in these percentages, 60% to me and 40% to you. When I receive your positive response I will let you Know where the Finance houses his and the document's to lay claims to the funds, which is very important. What I need is for you to indicate your interest that you will assist us by receiving the money on my behalf in Europe.For this, you shall be considered to be the
beneficiary to the funds.
The project in brief,is that the funds with which we intend to carry out our proposed investments in your country, is presently in the custody of a bank in Europe. I do not want the government of my Country to know about the money because they will believe I got the money from the sales of Enron stock when he was the Chairman of Enron & C.E.O.Once I have your details in full,the finance house will contact you for Release of the funds to your account As soon as payment is effected, and the amount mentioned above is successfully transferred into your account, I intend to use my own share in acquiring some estates abroad. For this too you shall also be the overseas manager of all our properties and you will be paid based on a certain percentage agreed on by both parties.
I guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect yoa from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me urgently by E-mail:ssw1012005@computermail.net
I am presently in LONDON.
Please, provide me the following:
1. Your Full Name
2. Your Telephone Number and Fax Number
3. Your Contact Address
Best Regards,
Michael Ramsey.
Good day to you. I may have to trouble your sense of personal achievement and reward for an opportunity properly taken advantage of.
I am Mr. Michael Ramsey, a representative and an attorney to the late Mr. Kenneth Lay, the former chairman & CEO, Enron Corp. Industry: Energy & Natural Resources Home, was previously in jail and facing trial on charges of corruption and embezzlement of funds while in Power, before his untimely departure of his mortal coil in July of 2006 (God Bless).He deposited TWENTY ONE MILLION U.S DOLLARS ($21,000,000.00) with me when he was in power as the chairman.
I am contacting you because I want you to deal with the Finance house and claim the money on my behalf since I have declared that the Funds belong to my foreign business partner. You shall also be required to assist me in investment in your country. I hope to trust you as a God fearing person who will not sit on this money when you claim it, rather assist me properly, shared in these percentages, 60% to me and 40% to you. When I receive your positive response I will let you Know where the Finance houses his and the document's to lay claims to the funds, which is very important. What I need is for you to indicate your interest that you will assist us by receiving the money on my behalf in Europe.For this, you shall be considered to be the
beneficiary to the funds.
The project in brief,is that the funds with which we intend to carry out our proposed investments in your country, is presently in the custody of a bank in Europe. I do not want the government of my Country to know about the money because they will believe I got the money from the sales of Enron stock when he was the Chairman of Enron & C.E.O.Once I have your details in full,the finance house will contact you for Release of the funds to your account As soon as payment is effected, and the amount mentioned above is successfully transferred into your account, I intend to use my own share in acquiring some estates abroad. For this too you shall also be the overseas manager of all our properties and you will be paid based on a certain percentage agreed on by both parties.
I guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect yoa from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me urgently by E-mail:ssw1012005@computermail.net
I am presently in LONDON.
Please, provide me the following:
1. Your Full Name
2. Your Telephone Number and Fax Number
3. Your Contact Address
Best Regards,
Michael Ramsey.
CONGRATULATION !!! YOU HAVE WON
126 KONINGSTABELSTRAAT,345HS
AMSTERDAM,NETHERLAND.
WROM: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOHMKHJYFMYXOEAIJ
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPT,
SCFN: GWK/5333/025648/03UAD.
BATCH: 241/2002/BLL.
Attention: Winner,
The CONTENT NOKIA INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY/PROMOTIONS Netherland,is
pleased
to inform you that your company/individual name
attached to the ticket numbers 1001-58255563-2285 with serial number
8888/03 drew from the lucky numbers02-22-00-66-99-85-52-12-36-50,
which consequently won the lottery in the FIRST category. You
havetherefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of FOUR HUNDRED
THOUSAND EUROs (400,000.00 EUROE) in cash credited to security file
number GWK/4578/789834/746YU.This is from a total cash
prize of 19 million EUROE share among ten individuals and Six
international companies lucky winners in this category.
CONGRATULATIONS.
Your funds is now deposited with our Payment/Finance Department in the
security company to your name ,Due to the mix up of
some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this winning a top secret
from the public notice until your claims has been
processed and remitted to your account as this is a part of the
security
protocol, to avoid double claiming or unwarranted
taking advantage of this program by participants.
All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn
from the 100,000 company/individual email addresses
from all over the world as part of our international promotions
program,
which we conduct every decade. We hope with a part
of your winnings, you will take part in our next end of year stake 20
million euro international lottery.
TO begin your claims, please contact your claim agent in (Lottery
payment centre),
Dr.williams davis (Director of operations).
TEL.+31-648511303
Email (financialsecbv@netscape.net)
For processing and remittance of your cash to a designated account of
your choice.Remember, all winnings must be claimed
not later than 5th august 2006, After this date, All unclaimed funds
will
be returned to the promotion company.
NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please
remember to quote your security credited file number
and batch numbers and also with your telephone and fax numbers
respectively in every correspondence with your claim agent.
Furthermore,should there be any change of your address, do inform your
claim agent as soon as possible.
Congratulations once again from all members of our staff and thank you
for being part of our promotions program and publication.
Yours sincerely,
MRS.jenet.
(Promotion Manager).
126 KONINGSTABELSTRAAT,345HS
AMSTERDAM,NETHERLAND.
WROM: TTZRCLBDXRQBGJSNBOHMKHJYFMYXOEAIJ
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPT,
SCFN: GWK/5333/025648/03UAD.
BATCH: 241/2002/BLL.
Attention: Winner,
The CONTENT NOKIA INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY/PROMOTIONS Netherland,is
pleased
to inform you that your company/individual name
attached to the ticket numbers 1001-58255563-2285 with serial number
8888/03 drew from the lucky numbers02-22-00-66-99-85-52-12-36-50,
which consequently won the lottery in the FIRST category. You
havetherefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of FOUR HUNDRED
THOUSAND EUROs (400,000.00 EUROE) in cash credited to security file
number GWK/4578/789834/746YU.This is from a total cash
prize of 19 million EUROE share among ten individuals and Six
international companies lucky winners in this category.
CONGRATULATIONS.
Your funds is now deposited with our Payment/Finance Department in the
security company to your name ,Due to the mix up of
some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this winning a top secret
from the public notice until your claims has been
processed and remitted to your account as this is a part of the
security
protocol, to avoid double claiming or unwarranted
taking advantage of this program by participants.
All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn
from the 100,000 company/individual email addresses
from all over the world as part of our international promotions
program,
which we conduct every decade. We hope with a part
of your winnings, you will take part in our next end of year stake 20
million euro international lottery.
TO begin your claims, please contact your claim agent in (Lottery
payment centre),
Dr.williams davis (Director of operations).
TEL.+31-648511303
Email (financialsecbv@netscape.net)
For processing and remittance of your cash to a designated account of
your choice.Remember, all winnings must be claimed
not later than 5th august 2006, After this date, All unclaimed funds
will
be returned to the promotion company.
NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please
remember to quote your security credited file number
and batch numbers and also with your telephone and fax numbers
respectively in every correspondence with your claim agent.
Furthermore,should there be any change of your address, do inform your
claim agent as soon as possible.
Congratulations once again from all members of our staff and thank you
for being part of our promotions program and publication.
Yours sincerely,
MRS.jenet.
(Promotion Manager).
A battle weary American soldier boarded a crowded train in in London during the early days of post-WWII, only to discover he was unable to find a place to sit. As he walked the length of the train, he noticed a small white dog curled up on one of the seats. A large, well dressed woman sat in the seat next to the dog. The man hovered near the seat, hoping the woman would take the hint, but she pointedly ignored him.
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
"Excuse me, Ma'am," the soldier finally spoke, "Is this your dog? Would you mind holding it on your lap so that I may sit down?"
The woman raised her icy gaze to the young man and said in a haughty British accent, "oh! You Americans. You are so rude.
Fluffy is in that seat, and i see no reason why she should give up her comfort for you."
The exhausted soldier nodded, picked up the small dog ... leaned over ... opened the window of the moving train and tossed the dog out. The woman gaped and spluttered in horrified indignation, and the man sitting across from her lowered his newspaper.
"You Americans", he said, "You drive on the wrong side of the road ... you eat with the wrong fork ... and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window."
A SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF IRONY
Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks, and I burned them, and I said "Hey, great weather.
Jay Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of irony.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use irony himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks, and I burned them, and I said "Hey, great weather.
I was in Tenglemans buying a large bag of dog food for my Labrador Retriever and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting
The dog food diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a fat guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no...I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the fat guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting
The dog food diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with dog food nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a fat guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital.
I said no...I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the fat guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Best joke ever!
Listen to this:
Question: 'Can I design a new running shoe for Arabs and name them"Flag Stompers"?'
Answer: 'Better yet, put Muhhamed on the sole of the shoe!'
Listen to this:
Question: 'Can I design a new running shoe for Arabs and name them"Flag Stompers"?'
Answer: 'Better yet, put Muhhamed on the sole of the shoe!'
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