Jokes

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A South African gold miner was one of a unfortunate duo who were working on a seam when the roof collapsed.

Sadly, one of them had his leg severed just below the knee in the incident.

As his mate tied off the tourniquet, he moaned:

"That's me well and truly fucked now! Who on earth is going to want a one legged gold digger?

"Don't worry too much" replied his oppo "You could always try Paul McCartney!"

Did anyone hear about the Dyslexic Pimp who bought himself a warehouse?

ARSENAL F.C.
END OF SEASON DINNER DANCE

Starter
Egg on Face
Seasoned Hash
Frogs legs (past their best)
Spanish Surprise (well beaten)

Main course
Humble Pie
Chump Chops
French (has) Beans
Manager's Beef (not rare)
Catch of the Day - big lemon Sol (gutted)
NB: everything is imported, nothing is home grown.

Dessert
Sour Grapes (may be hard to swallow)
Fruitless Tarts
Raspberry Fools
Hard Cheese

Drinks
Bitter
Little Spirit
French Whine
Cabernet Empty 2006
Champagne - sorry none ordered
STRICTLY NO DOUBLES OR TREBLES

NB: drinks should be consumed from glasses as there will be no cups this year.

Guest speaker:
Rafa Benitez - "What it's like to win the European Cup"

Please note that the club’s European Tour for the season 2006-07 is not guaranteed.

Totally piss off your local librarian by asking her if she has any 'books on shelves'.

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg

Personally, I think it's prosthetic

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/48747

I know I shouldn't find this funny, but I can't help myself.

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?" The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself:
"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:"Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself:
"Dash, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again:"Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look.
He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him and said "What the F*** do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh, Easyjet"

It is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup Group game.

Ronaldino goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game.
We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered".

Ronaldino looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldino goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldino 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldino 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (Angus 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldino. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

the old ones are the best eh fannyballs

They're all wondering why I'm cryin' with laughter here. Cheers Raffles.

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!! What have I just said?!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

(Translated from the German)

I was sitting in my car at the traffic lights this morning and was surpised by a man knocking on my window. I lowered the window and he said "Have you heard? The entire Dutch football team has been kidnapped and held for ransom! If 20 million Euros aren't paid by tonight, the whole team will be doused in petrol and set alight. So I'm having a collection. Will you contribute?"

"How much have you collected already?" I asked him.

"Oh," he says, "about 5 litres."

40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Scotland sunbathe.

35 degrees - Italian cars won't start.
People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state.
People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on.
People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

-10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct.
People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

-20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico.
People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

-80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets
cold enough.

-100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

-173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes.
People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs.

-297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops.
People in Scotland start saying " A bit hill billy ... eh? "

-500 degrees - Hell freezes over.
Scottish people support England in the World Cup.

With the World Cup in mind let's take a look at some classic Keeganisms...

In some ways, cramp is worse than having a broken leg.

The 33 or 34-year-olds will be 36 or 37 by the time the next World Cup comes around, if they're not careful.

There'll be no siestas in Madrid tonight.

The tide is very much in our court now.

The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today.

Hungary is very similar to Bulgaria. I know they're different countries...

Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America.

Goalkeepers aren't born today until they're in their late twenties or thirties.

I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is.

But the onus is on us to perform and we must control the bandwagon.

Despite his white boots, he has real pace...

I came to Nantes two years ago and it's much the same today, except that it's completely different.

There are two schools of thought on the way the rest of this half is going to develop; everybody's got their own opinion...

It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.

...using his strength. And that is his strength, his strength.

Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.

The referee was vertically 15 yards away.

I'd love to be a mole on the wall in the Liverpool dressing room at half time.

The England fans are the best in The World and the Scotland fans are second to none.

A few years ago an American magazine ran a competetion for alternative computer error messages in the form of Haiku.

http://archive.salon.com/21st/chal/1998/02/10chal2.html

These were some of the best:

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending £65.00 on make-up.
So I asked her...how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back. ...

Oldie but A Goodie

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.
While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."
His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.
"Mum?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday".
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."
The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says:
"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.
The father turns to his son and says;
"Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says,
"Yes dad I have."
"Good son, what is it?"
The son replies,
"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German Bastards!"

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following
period:

Date:__ /__ /__ Time of departure: __ : __ Time of return(NOT to exceed!!): __ : __

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the
stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak
to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile
after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for
a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if
permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me
the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units). Beer + Wine + Liquor = Total:

Locations to be visited:

Females with whom conversation is permitted:

IMPORTANT – STRIPPER CLAUSE: Not withstanding the female contact permitted above,
I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic
dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of
the relationship.
I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree
it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost
me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards
whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you on an unlimited shopping spree,
should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any
stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I
promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you
up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.
I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half),
the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

Request is:
APPROVED
DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.
……………………………………………………………………â€
¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦â€¦
Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date:
Time of departure:
Time of return:

Signed – Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife

APPLICATION FOR A NIGHT OUT WITH THE GIRLS

Name of Girlfriend/Fiancé/Partner/Wife:

I’m going out.

Signed: (me) ____________________________

A little something for the South African's...

Coloured Logic
An old man lived alone in Cape Town. He wanted to spade his potato
garden,
but it was very hard work. His only son, Clemence, who used to help
him,
was in Polsmoor Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament. "Dear Clemence, I am feeling pretty bad
because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this
year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you
were here, all my troubles would be
over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Papa"
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
"Dear Papa, For heaven's sake, Papa, don't dig up that garden, that's
where I Buried the BODIES. Love, Clemence" At 4 A.M. the next morning,
the Scorpion Unit, NIA agents and local police showed up and dug up
the
entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his
son.
"Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I
could
do under the circumstances.
Love Clemence."

Another little something for the South Africans...

An elderly man was asked how he and his wife had had such a happy 45 year long marriage.
He replied, " Well, we go out twice a week for a romantic candle-lit meal in an expensive restaurant, and do some really smoochy dancing. Then we leave in our car and find a secluded country lane and have a passionate sexual session, that's what keeps the marrige alive and exciting."
"I go out on Tuesday night, the wife goes out on Thursday night." !!!

Raffles.

http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/kissballs.asp

2 Deaf guys go into a bar in Manchester and one of them goes up to the bar.

Deaf guy: Can I haaaaaave twoooooo piiiiiiiiiints?
Barman: that'll be 6 pounds
Deaf guy: 6 pouuuuuuuuuunds? That's blooooooooody expeeeeeeensive
Barman: We've a band in tonight
Deaf guy says, "is it rrrooooooooock and rooooooooooooollll musssiiic?"
Bartender replies, "no'
Deaf guy Says, "is it disssccccoooooooooo musssssiiiccc?"
Batender replies, "no"
Deaf guy asks, "then what muuussiiic is it?"
Bartender replies, "country western"
Deaf guy walks up to his mate and says, "Guess hooooooowww much theeeese were"
Mate says, 'Don't knooooooowwwww"
Deaf guy says, "6 poooooounds"
Mate says, '6 poooooooounds?!!!"
Deaf guy says, "Yer, they've a baaaaand in"
Mate asks, " is it rooockkkk and rolllll mussiiicc?"
Deaf guy Replies, "nah"
Mate Asks, "is it diiisccooo music?"
Deaf guy replies, "nah"
Mate asks, "then what kind of baaaaaaaaaaand is it?"
Deaf guy replies, " some Cunts from Preston."

Three Little Pigs

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and
took their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for
dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter aproached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.

"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, "but why have you only ordered beer all evening?"

You're gonna LOVE me for this...

The third piggy says -

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"

In an interview about his failed marriage, Sir Paul McCartney was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again...

In response he said, "I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womaniser. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died.
Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven." God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere." "I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde. The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad." God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

check this out:

Shakira Imitation

Very good.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"

OH NO! The President exclaims. That's terrible!

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks... “How many is a Brazillion?�

Two old ladies are sitting on a porch in Florida.
One says, "Do you still have sexual desires?"
The other answers, "Well, yes, I do."
Asks the first, "Whadda you do then?"
Says the second, "I just suck a life saver."
"Oh" After a slight pause the first one asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
(Non-US may not get this one.)

For those who aren't rugby fans, the "Super 14" are the top rugby clubs in the Southern Hemisphere, who's players aren't renowned for their intelligence !!!

· "Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -Jono Gibbs - Chiefs

· "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -Rodney So'oialo- Hurricanes

· "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." -Colin Cooper - Hurricanes head coach

· Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

· "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito

· John Senio (Auckland), on Night Rugby vs Day Games "It's basically the same, just darker."

· David Nosafora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.'

· David Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season, whichever comes first."

· "Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Murray Mexted)

· "Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Ma Nonu)

· "He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Murray Mexted)

· "We actually got the winning try three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Phil Waugh Warratah)

· "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Jerry Collins)

· "That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Tony Brown)

· "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Tana Umaga)

· "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby - but none of them serious." (Doc Mayhew)

· "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Anton Oliver)

· "I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left winger in the Super 14, but there are none better." (Murray Mexted)

· "I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie)

· Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" Tana Umaga: "On what ?"

· "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Murray Mexted)

· "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."(Murray Mexted)

My mother sent me this one. Go to google, enter "asshole" (sorry about the expletive), and click "I'm feeling lucky". It's a bit over the top, but in the right general direction.

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.


Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...


Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.


Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would
hit the ground first?
A: Who cares???...


Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.


Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.


Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions .

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

An Italian lad goes to confession...

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I was with a loose woman."

"Is that you Pietro?" the Priest asked.

"Yes Father, it is me."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well Pietro, I will find out her name sooner or later. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I'm sorry, I can't say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"Please Father, I would rather not say."

"Was it Nena Capelli?"

"Father. Please forgive me, but I cannot say."

"Was it Katharina Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa di Angello?"

"Please Father, I cannot say."

"You are very close lipped Pietro. You are not allowed to come to Mass for four months, now leave!"

Pietro returned to his seat and his friend whispered "What did you get?"

"Four months off and five good tips."

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City.
A woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good
looking. Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and
help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly
stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help
with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store !

THE WIFE STORE

A new wives store opened across the street.
The first floor has women that love sex.
The second floor has women that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Jürgen Klinsmann, Joachim "Jogi" Loew and Lothar Matthäus arrive at an airport and are later asked for their passports.

The officer asks Klinsmann:"Where are you from?"
Klinsmann says:"I'm from Germany". Ok you can pass.

Loew is asked the same question:"Where are you from?"
Loew answers:"I'm from Germany too."

Matthäus is the next one. The officer repeats his question.
Lothar replys instantly:"I'm from Germany three!"

One DJ says to the other. "You want to go see a film on Tuesday?" to which the other replies "I don't know. Who's the projectionist?"

Frank Lampard's long range shooting ability

And while we're on footie jokes:

Michael Owen walks into a night club in Germany and sees a stunning leggy blonde beauty on the dance floor.

He approaches her and says, "Get your coat, your coming back to my hotel with me tonight."

She looks at him and replies, "Goodness, You're a little forward!"

- - - - -

The Scotland manager phones Sven to find out how to improve his training methods.

"Dustbins" says Sven, "Position dustbins around the training pitch and get your players to pass the ball between them, dribble round them, chip the ball over them, it'll improve all round ball control".

The next day Sven's phone rings, it's the Scottish manager, "Hi, The dustbin's are winning 3-1. What do I do now?"

- - - - -

Beckham gets home late from training to find Posh with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. “Where the hell have you been?� she yells at him.

“I did exactly what we were discussing this morning� he says, “And been to get a new tattoo.�

He takes off his top and reveals an ornate new design on his upper arm. “There you are babe� he says, “What do you think of that?�

Posh puts her head in her hands. “You prat!� she sighs, “I told you to ask for a transfer.�

- - - - -

David Beckham is celebrating, "43 days! 43 days!" he shouts happily.

Posh asks him why he's celebrating. He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days."

"And that's good?" asks Posh.

"You bet Hon" says David, "It says 3 to 6 years on the box."

- - - - -

Some flies were playing football in a saucer using a sugar lump as a ball. One of them says, "We'll have to do better than this, lads. We're playing in the cup tomorrow."

- - - - -

Referee: "Penalty!"

Michael Ballack: "Who for?"

Referee: "Us!"

- - - - -

Ronaldinho, Beckham and the pope are at a lake to find out who can walk on water.

Ronaldinho runs first, goes up comes back. Then Beckham, goes up comes back. Now the pope, he gets half way turns and falls.

Beckham looks at Ronaldinho and say's, "That's harsh didn't you tell him about the stepping stones" and Ronaldinho replies, "What stepping stones?�

- - - - -

Problems in the England camp.

Wayne Rooney has been told he can take part in the later stages of the world cup, but only if he has a cortizone injection, apparently David Beckham overheard this and is demanding that if Rooney is getting a new car out of it he wants one as well.

- - - - -

David Beckham goes shopping and spots a Thermos flask. "What's that for ?" he says.

"It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold," says the salesman.

Beckham buys one and takes it home to show Posh. "It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold," he says.

"You ought to take it to work," she tells him. So he takes it in to training the following day.

"What've you got there, son?" asks Luis Gómez-Montejano.

"It's to keep hot things hot and cold things cold" says David.

"That's a good idea,' says Gómez-Montejano. "What have you got in it?"

"Coffee," says David, "And some ice cream."

- - - - -

The 7 dwarfs are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the dark distance a voice screams out "Australia are good enough to win the World Cup."

Snow White says, "Thank God - at least Dopey's still alive!"

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your
sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then
ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money
to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him
in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks
would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three
million dollars... but realistically,...
we're living with two sluts and a queer."

A Free State "Boer" walks into his local bar and to his surprise
finds
a little Japanese man sitting in his regular chair.
"Kleingat, you sommer sitting op my stoel" he angrily shouts.
Before he knows it, the Jap is up and knocks the farmer flying.
After the farmer recovers he asks: "What the blerry hell was that?"

"Zat martial art from my country Japan" replies the Jap and strolls
off
in a stroppy way.

The following day the farmer finds the Jap in "His" seat again.
The farmer goes: "You is alweer sitting op my stoel" and again the Jap
knocks the farmer out with some nifty Kung Fu.
On regaining consciousness the farmer asks: "What the blerry hell was
that?"

"Zat Karate from my country Japan" and as stroppy as ever ambles off.

Now the farmer is dik die moer in...
The next day the farmer finds the Jap sitting in "His" chair again!
"So, you is alweer sitting op my stoel. Vat So" and he knocks the
daylights out of the Jap with one blow.
The little Jap comes around after some time and asks the farmer what
was that?

The farmer replies: "That, my china was a bliksemse Isuzu 2.8 litre
turbo diesel bakkie se wheelspanner...also from your country Japan "

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.

"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

A few days before the World Cup. little fritz comes home from a shopping trip and shows his brother what he has bought:
Hey Hans, look what I hvae just bought. An England T-Shirt.
His brother looks at him all angry and shoves him away.
He decides to go and show his mother that is working in the kitchen.
Hi mum, look what I got today: An England T-Shirt.
His Mother looks at him all angry and shoves him away saying: How could you ??
So he decides to go and tell his father, that is reading the paper in the living-room.
Hi dad, look what I got today: An England T-Shirt.
His Father looks at him all angry and also shoves him away saying: How dare you show up here with that T-Shirt ??
Fritz is mighty pissed off at the situation and replies: look, the WC hasn't even started yet, and I hate the germans already !!!