Asian feller turns up at the pearly gates, "YES" says St Peter. "What can I do for you??"
I've come because of Jesus, says the asian chap.
Oh I see says St Peter, just wait a minute... (Cups his hands round his mouth) and shouts...
JESUS!!! Your taxi is here!!!
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Jokes
No chat, just jokes
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An older Jewish man married a younger woman.
After several months, the young woman complained that she had never
climaxed during sex and by birthright; all Jewish women are entitled to
at least one climax during sex.
So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a strong,
virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex.
This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple
tries it.
After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the rabbi. The
rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young
man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel.
They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming
earsplitting climaxes, one after the other.
When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and
says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"
After several months, the young woman complained that she had never
climaxed during sex and by birthright; all Jewish women are entitled to
at least one climax during sex.
So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi tells them to get a strong,
virile young man to wave a towel over them while they are having sex.
This, the rabbi says, will cause the woman to climax, so the couple
tries it.
After several attempts, still no climax. They go back to the rabbi. The
rabbi says for the bride to change partners and have the virile young
man have sex with her and have the husband wave the towel.
They try it that night and the young woman goes into wild, screaming
earsplitting climaxes, one after the other.
When it is over, the husband smugly looks down at the young man and
says, "You see, schmuck, THAT's how you wave a towel!"
What an Ass!
[img]http://www.wernersplace.com/images/ass.jpg[/img]
[img]http://www.wernersplace.com/images/ass.jpg[/img]
15 things to do in Tesco when you're bored:
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolley when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in houseware to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the toilet.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 10 at Pharmacy" ... and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on hold.
6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the houseware and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When an assistant asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling knives in the kitchenware department ask the assistant if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. In the car accessory department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through shout, "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the foetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly..."Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"
hmmm... just found this list, but I've already done a coupla things on it
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolley when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in houseware to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the toilet.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 10 at Pharmacy" ... and see what happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on hold.
6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the houseware and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When an assistant asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
10. While handling knives in the kitchenware department ask the assistant if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.
12. In the car accessory department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through shout, "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the foetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly..."Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"
hmmm... just found this list, but I've already done a coupla things on it
I've started taking VIAGRA...well,it stops me falling out of bed.
Raffles.
Raffles.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and
the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Not really a Joke but here goes...
A Ukranian man arrives in Edinburgh as a new immigrant to Scotland. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Scotsman for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am from Poland".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Scotland." "The person says I no Scottish, I Indian."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Scotland." That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Pakistan, I am not a Scotsman."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you Scottish?" "No, I am from Iran" "Where are all the Scottish people?" The Iranian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work!""
but here goes...A Ukranian man arrives in Edinburgh as a new immigrant to Scotland. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Scotsman for letting me in this country!" But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am from Poland".
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Scotland." "The person says I no Scottish, I Indian."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Scotland." That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Pakistan, I am not a Scotsman."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you Scottish?" "No, I am from Iran" "Where are all the Scottish people?" The Iranian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says... "Probably at work!""
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the
morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends,
Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the
mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean
in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him
over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it
ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say,
"Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes..."
morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends,
Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the
mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean
in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him
over".
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,"No, it
ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,
folks would say,
"Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes..."
Irish jokes are unforgiveable, hurtful and politically incorrect - however, here's another one...
Paddy was out at lunchtime in Dublin town centre.
An American tourist comes up, points at a new office block and says "Hey bud, how long does it take you guys to build something like that?"
Paddy says "Ah, to be sure, dat took about foive months" The American guy says "Hey, in the States we could build that in five weeks!"
American tourist points at the nice new shopping centre and says "How long to build a mall like that?"
Paddy says "Well, oi reckon dat took about eight months, so".
Tourist says "Hell buddy, in the States we'd build that sucker in eight weeks!!"
Tourist points at the vast new Civic Centre, a huge marvel of steel, marble and smoked glass.
Says "How long to build that thing down there then?"
Paddy says "Ah, now, I don't tink dat was dere when I came to work this morning"
Paddy was out at lunchtime in Dublin town centre.
An American tourist comes up, points at a new office block and says "Hey bud, how long does it take you guys to build something like that?"
Paddy says "Ah, to be sure, dat took about foive months" The American guy says "Hey, in the States we could build that in five weeks!"
American tourist points at the nice new shopping centre and says "How long to build a mall like that?"
Paddy says "Well, oi reckon dat took about eight months, so".
Tourist says "Hell buddy, in the States we'd build that sucker in eight weeks!!"
Tourist points at the vast new Civic Centre, a huge marvel of steel, marble and smoked glass.
Says "How long to build that thing down there then?"
Paddy says "Ah, now, I don't tink dat was dere when I came to work this morning"
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too! Long?
Polaroid's
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
How Are a Texas Tornado And a TennesseeDivorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
They Take The Psycho Path
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too! Long?
Polaroid's
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
How Are a Texas Tornado And a TennesseeDivorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk
to your dog?"
villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?
Dog: "Doing' alright"
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play"
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a F*****G liar"
He figures he'll have some fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I talk
to your dog?"
villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git"
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?
Dog: "Doing' alright"
Villager: (Look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (Pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play"
Villager: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either. I think"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (Absolutely dumfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes
me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements"
Villager: (Total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (In a panic) "The sheep's a F*****G liar"
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and with
great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic
husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied, "Can't, it's Lent."
In tears, she remarked, "well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic
husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he
replied, "Can't, it's Lent."
In tears, she remarked, "well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than I." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
REVOCATION OF AMERICAN STATE OF INDEPENDENCE
A message to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your repetitive failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you actually noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium", and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it all along. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour", "colour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary", if necessary.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "ize".
You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not mature enough to handle firearms. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you'll understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (the previously-used term "gasoline" will henceforth be taboo) - at roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick-cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English roles. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. However, since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
A message to the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your repetitive failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you actually noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium", and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it all along. The letter "U" will be reinstated in words such as "favour", "colour" and "neighbour." Likewise, you will learn to spell "doughnut" without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary", if necessary.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter "u" and the elimination of "ize".
You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not mature enough to handle firearms. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you'll understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (the previously-used term "gasoline" will henceforth be taboo) - at roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick-cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English roles. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. However, since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation.
DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA
A message to the imperialist British colonizers:
In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as the 51st State of America.
Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon, which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling.
Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). Learn to live with it.
You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh. If you wanted it pronounced "Eddinburra", you ought to have spelled it that way in the first place.
You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".
There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers. Microsoft is aware of this, on your behalf, you know?
Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes, and Welsh characters will not be used since there are no notable Welsh Americans.
The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be "good guys".
You will learn your new national anthem, "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish, so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a two week period.
You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored (note spelling) strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers", they are "teasers".
November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. It is July 4th which is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there.
Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of Bud, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia.
There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".
Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so - though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance.
Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call "beer" is properly termed "ale" and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans. And perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.
All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and your therapist. Therapy, like, will take the place of speaking to family members.
You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.
You may not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town or school (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a 50-mile (not kilometre) radius. We call this hunting.
And we'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
A message to the imperialist British colonizers:
In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as the 51st State of America.
Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon, which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling.
Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). Learn to live with it.
You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh. If you wanted it pronounced "Eddinburra", you ought to have spelled it that way in the first place.
You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is "a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and "chad".
There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers. Microsoft is aware of this, on your behalf, you know?
Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes, and Welsh characters will not be used since there are no notable Welsh Americans.
The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be "good guys".
You will learn your new national anthem, "The Star Spangled Banner". It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish, so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a two week period.
You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like football and one of which is called football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored (note spelling) strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films are not "trailers", they are "teasers".
November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. It is July 4th which is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there.
Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of Bud, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia.
There is also no such activity as "caravanning". It is called "camping". The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".
Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so - though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance.
Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call "beer" is properly termed "ale" and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans. And perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.
All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and your therapist. Therapy, like, will take the place of speaking to family members.
You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.
You may not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so, i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town or school (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a 50-mile (not kilometre) radius. We call this hunting.
And we'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".
Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
Anagrams:
DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER
DORMITORY: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW: WOMAN HITLER
Shortest Fairy Tale
Two guys are pushing their shopping trolley's around a store when they
collide.
The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".
The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like"?
The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What
does your wife look like"?
The first guy says, "F**k looking for mine, --- let's look for yours.
collide.
The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for
my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".
The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".
The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like"?
The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
blue eyes, big breasts and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. What
does your wife look like"?
The first guy says, "F**k looking for mine, --- let's look for yours.
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday
Courtesy of my Ma:
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have
been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm
and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep
on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to
Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He
made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs,
and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller
skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound
asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is
everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my
life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have
been sending over are delicious!"
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have
been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm
and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep
on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to
Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He
made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs,
and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller
skates, we would not have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound
asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is
everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my
life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have
been sending over are delicious!"
Jelly Baby walks into a bar & starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?".
The Jelly Baby days "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute & says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", & off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he see them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at the Jelly Baby & start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, & generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored & walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table & wipes up his Jelly Baby blood. He turns to Smartie & says "I thought you were going to look after me!"
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are F*ukin' menthol!"
The Jelly Baby days "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
"So", Smartie says. "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute & says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", & off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in.
As soon as he see them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at the Jelly Baby & start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, & generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored & walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table & wipes up his Jelly Baby blood. He turns to Smartie & says "I thought you were going to look after me!"
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are F*ukin' menthol!"
I got this from my Mum too, as told to her by her lady vicar:
Two soldiers get killed in a war and go up to heaven. At the pearly gates St.Peter asks the first one, "When you were away from your wife were you faithful to her?"
"Oh, yes", he replies, "always"
"Good", says St.Peter," then you can have a new Rolls Royce and a mansion."
He then asks the second one the same question.
"Well", he replies " I admit I did stray just once".
"OK", says St. Peter, "then you can only heve a second hand VW Golf and a small Bungalow"
A few weeks later the second soldier is driving around heaven in his golf when he sees the first soldier sitting by the side of the road crying. He stops and says,"What's up? you can't be unhappy look at all the wonderful things you got, what ever is wrong?"
The first soldier replies," I've just seen my wife riding round on an old rusty bike with a tent on the back!"
Two soldiers get killed in a war and go up to heaven. At the pearly gates St.Peter asks the first one, "When you were away from your wife were you faithful to her?"
"Oh, yes", he replies, "always"
"Good", says St.Peter," then you can have a new Rolls Royce and a mansion."
He then asks the second one the same question.
"Well", he replies " I admit I did stray just once".
"OK", says St. Peter, "then you can only heve a second hand VW Golf and a small Bungalow"
A few weeks later the second soldier is driving around heaven in his golf when he sees the first soldier sitting by the side of the road crying. He stops and says,"What's up? you can't be unhappy look at all the wonderful things you got, what ever is wrong?"
The first soldier replies," I've just seen my wife riding round on an old rusty bike with a tent on the back!"
Before Marriage:
After Marriage:
After Marriage:
THE CURTAIN RODS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere! Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they couldn’t find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere! Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they couldn’t find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.
Compare both Diaries...
A man is walking down the road when he sees a garden full of the most beautiful Tulips he has ever seen. He is admiring them when the owner of the house comes out and the man asks him how he grows such an abundant crop of perfect tulips.
The owner invites him into his house to show him the 'secret' and lets the man see cages and cages of hamsters.
The man is still puzzled so the owner says... "Everday I take a dozen hamsters, I put them in a liquidiser and then boil them covered with sugar until the sugar melts."
"How does that help!" says the man.
"Oh sorry " he replies "I thought everybody knew that the best Tulips come from Hamster Jam..."
The owner invites him into his house to show him the 'secret' and lets the man see cages and cages of hamsters.
The man is still puzzled so the owner says... "Everday I take a dozen hamsters, I put them in a liquidiser and then boil them covered with sugar until the sugar melts."
"How does that help!" says the man.
"Oh sorry " he replies "I thought everybody knew that the best Tulips come from Hamster Jam..."
The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how
they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex
.
Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a
bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and
just a quarter-inch thick.
I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate
love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, John asks,
"Well, was it any good?"
I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about
you?"
It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how
they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex
.
Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a
bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and
just a quarter-inch thick.
I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate
love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, John asks,
"Well, was it any good?"
I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about
you?"
It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season.
Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women
Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
1) The woman buys the food.
2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
Here comes the important part:
4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
Important again:
7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.�
The boy replied,
“I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.�
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair, Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.�
The boy replied,
“I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.�
Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.
Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?
Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.
Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!
Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
A. So men can be open minded.
Q. What's the biggest fish in the world?
A. A hore, if you catch one you can eat her for months.
Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What's the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS?
A. Nothing.
Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Well aren't all kitchen appliances that colour?
Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A. Nobody eats parsley.
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Q. What's the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz cracker?
A. Ones a snack cracker, and the others a crack snacker!
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.
Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotopuss.
Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A. A Mechanic.
Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?
A. I can't see a thing with all this shit in here!
Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or Holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet...
"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or Holiday?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about s*xuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet...
"I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
So punny...
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm andsays: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this tastefunny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
"Thatsounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says toDolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believeyou," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing tolook at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't- I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the otherand says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire inthe craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't haveyour kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egyptand is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to hisbirth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They'r e! twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm andsays: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this tastefunny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
"Thatsounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says toDolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believeyou," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing tolook at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't- I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the otherand says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire inthe craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't haveyour kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egyptand is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to hisbirth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They'r e! twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)... A supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was Manufactured in England.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico... But as we know...the great ship did not make it to New York... The ship hit an iceberg and sank...and the cargo was forever lost...
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery...were disconsolate at the loss... Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day...
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th... and is known...of course...as Sinko de Mayo...
I really am sorry for that one. It's bad beyond belief.
In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico... But as we know...the great ship did not make it to New York... The ship hit an iceberg and sank...and the cargo was forever lost...
The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery...were disconsolate at the loss... Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day...
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th... and is known...of course...as Sinko de Mayo...
I really am sorry for that one. It's bad beyond belief.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi that's just dropping someone else off.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more"..."He had a memory like a computer.
Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
“Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his f***ing widow."
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to
Frank every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"
Cabbie: "There's more"..."He had a memory like a computer.
Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."
Passenger. "Wow, some bloke then"
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them."
“Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his f***ing widow."
What have John Prescott and MFI furniture got in common?
A few wrong screws and the whole Cabinet falls apart.
A few wrong screws and the whole Cabinet falls apart.
The England Football Coach, Sven Goran Ericksson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.
Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.'
Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett ?
Is it...
a) a badger
a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?
Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."
Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with. " Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
"So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sven Goran Ericksson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's".
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
Final answer?.
" Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One Million Pounds!!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"
Oh... I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock"
Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.'
Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett ?
Is it...
a) a badger
a ferret
a ferretc) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?
Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50."
Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with. " Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."
"So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.
Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sven Goran Ericksson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's".
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely."
"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
Final answer?.
" Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One Million Pounds!!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"
Oh... I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock"
THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!
Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you've got to gotta love this! It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!
Marine Corp's General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you've got to gotta love this! It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!
QUOTE (Number 10 @ May 11 2006, 10:17 am) 
THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!
No, mostest boringest repost of a crappy urban legend which has been around for about a decade. The Freepers got hold of a Welsh joke which hadn't even been correctly translated from German, reworked it and put it up on their site as fact, not surprising for a group that follows the Goebbels Propaganda Manual exactly.
woof.
Very funny Number 10. Like it. Don't worry about BD. He had his humour gene removed at birth and it was replaced by a gene that causes severe anality...
First Pictures of Trapped Tasmanian Miners
Who took the photos?
When George Bush met The Queen, he said: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied "Sorry again Mr.
Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied "Sorry again Mr.
Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think
you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at
her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at
her.
"Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."
On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a
meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How
does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself
with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or
not?" he inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that
she pressed a button and said, "Would you please
send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen
said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister
and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"
Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."
So President Bush went back to Washington and called
in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him,
"I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very
important. Your parents had a child and it was not
your sister and it was not your brother. Who was
this child?" Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very
important that we determine the answer, as no child
must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a
while?"
"Yes,"said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come
up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House
Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much
discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a
satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not
knowing what he would tell the President. As Rove
was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former
Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So
he said,
"Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me?
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister
and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy,"said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved
me my job!"
So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to
President Bush,
"I think I know the answer to your riddle. The
child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush,
"The child was Tony Blair!"
meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How
does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That`s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself
with intelligent ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or
not?" he inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that
she pressed a button and said, "Would you please
send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen
said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister
and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?"
Blair replied, "That`s easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."
So President Bush went back to Washington and called
in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him,
"I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very
important. Your parents had a child and it was not
your sister and it was not your brother. Who was
this child?" Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very
important that we determine the answer, as no child
must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a
while?"
"Yes,"said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come
up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House
Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much
discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a
satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not
knowing what he would tell the President. As Rove
was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former
Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So
he said,
"Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me?
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister
and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy,"said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved
me my job!"
So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to
President Bush,
"I think I know the answer to your riddle. The
child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush,
"The child was Tony Blair!"
Dear Wife,
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV in the afternoon, unless they replay a good game that I missed.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
(i) I will not go,
(ii) I will not go, and
(iii) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be,
"Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, FA Cup, etc.
Thank you for your cooperation.
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV in the afternoon, unless they replay a good game that I missed.
6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, its only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
(i) I will not go,
(ii) I will not go, and
(iii) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be,
"Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, FA Cup, etc.
Thank you for your cooperation.
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